Monday, November 12, 2001 Edition: #2173
Bully For You!
WACKED OUT HEADLINES:
Forget about Osama, the Taliban and anthrax. Here’s the real breaking news stories according to “Weekly World News” —
• “Whistling Fish Serenade Fishermen With ‘God Bless America’!” (Hey, it’s better than that dumb ‘singing bass’.)
• “I Was Bigfoot’s Love Slave!” (And you know what they say about the size of your feet)
• “World’s Ugliest Man Says ‘I Left My Wife Because She’s So Gassy’!”
• “Lease Your Soul to Satan!” (For those who don’t wanna sell.)
• “Fire Up Your Love Life With Fish Hooks, Bullets And a Bar of Soap!” (I’m still trying to figure out the trapeze.)
• “World’s Fattest Twins Sued by Health Club!”
• And this piece of daily affirmation – “Your Most Treasured Beliefs Are All Wrong!”
OTHER BS TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “Star” reports that David Schwimmer is brokenhearted after being dumped by actress/girlfriend Mili Avital. The fed-up beauty has reportedly packed her bags and moved out of the $6-million hovel where they’ve co-habited for the last year. (See today’s ‘Celebirthdays’.)
• After months of hiding in baggy clothing and denying she was pregnant, “Austin Powers” star Elizabeth Hurley has finally confirmed that she is, in fact, expecting. According to “Star” the babe’s due in APRIL and the pop is Hollywood producer and heir to billions, Stephen Bing. (Or, as she refers to him, ‘the guy who shagged me’.)
• “PageSix.com” notes that several well-heeled members of the luxurious Mission Hills Golf Club in Shenzhen, China forked out $18,000 EACH to play a hole with Tiger Woods YESTERDAY. By the way, in China he’s known as ‘Taige Wuzi’ and golf is ‘gao-er fu’.
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Whitney Houston’s weight has plummeted to the low 90s and family & friends are terrified she’s dying from years of chronic cocaine and crack abuse. The tab says 2 recent tries at rehab in clinics failed miserably, one of them because she actually took drugs in with her.
• ”NY Post” reports that George Harrison has now checked out of Staten Island University Hospital after receiving experimental cancer treatment but will remain in NYC over the next few weeks for outpatient treatment. He’s reportedly recently recorded a new single which will feature the cryptic writing credit ‘RIP 2001′.
• To appear on the UK’s “Top of the Pops Awards” later THIS MONTH, “E! Online” says Jennifer Lopez is demanding a minimum of 10 DRESSING ROOMS for herself and her 100-MEMBER entourage. (She just keeps on setting new records for excess!)
• And UK’s “Guardian” reports REM guitarist Peter Buck is scheduled to appear in court TODAY, charged with ‘being drunk on an airplane’, ‘criminal damage’, ‘using threatening words’ and ‘assaulting British Airways employees’ over that incident on a nonstop flight from Seattle to London back in APRIL. (Wait a sec, you can be charged with ‘being drunk on an airplane’? They could have busted the whole plane on that all-inclusive deal to Jamaica I went on!)
FOR THE RECORD:
A German schoolgirl has entered the “Guinness Book of World Records” as the owner of the world’s longest tongue — 2.75 inches (average tongue-length is about 2 inches). 12-year-old Annika Irmler from Tangstedt, near Hamburg, says she has had to stick her tongue out to everyone at school to prove it. “My friends always said I had an incredibly long tongue and I could make lots of money with it one day,” says Annika. (Hmm, have nothing to add to that.)
PARTY PRACTICE:
A voluntary organization in Norway is encouraging people to test their drinking limits before the
holiday season so they don’t embarrass themselves at Christmas parties. (They want people to not only see how many drinks they can handle, but to practise singing ‘Rudolph’ loudly and off-key while wearing antlers without looking stupid.)
SHOPPING MALE:
A shopping center in Glasgow, Scotland has come up with a novel way to ease the shopping tensions experienced by couples — ‘surrogate boyfriends’. The scheme allows the real boyfriend to go off and play computer games while the surrogate enthusiastically helps the woman with her shopping. The surrogates are specially trained in tasks like waiting patiently outside dressing rooms. (And to say “Well I think they all look good on you, honey!”)
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• There’s a new product out called the ‘Check Mate’ which its makers say can detect whether your mate is cheating on you by analyzing stains on clothing. (Umm, don’t you take it off first? Am I doing this wrong?)
• Electrolux has developed a radar-guided robotic vacuum cleaner. A company spokesman says the launch is a ‘victory in the race to create the world’s first true domestic robot’. (There’s a lot of frazzled homemakers who might quibble with that claim.)
SOME SIZE MATTERS:
• According to an Australian study in the journal “Nature”, sperm that makes boy babies is generally smaller than sperm that makes girl babies. (If you had a really, really sensitive microphone, you could hear one sperm say to another, ”Does this tail make me look fat?”)
• Blue-jean maker Lee Cooper is re-releasing its ‘Packit’ jeans, originally marketed in 1978, designed to give men a ‘bulge enhancement’ or ‘frontal boost’. This, reputedly because ‘the bulge’ has become THE mens’ fashion statement of the season. However, the manufacturer warns, if you haven’t got the right equipment in the first place there’s only so much the jeans can do. (And a good pair of well-placed gym socks will be needed.)
A HANDY EXCUSE:
A Leeds University researcher says that the local watering hole’s welcoming atmosphere helps men get rid of stress and is vital for their psychological well-being. Rather than complain, he says women should ENCOURAGE their men to have a few with the boys. In Dr Colin Gill’s survey, over 40% of men claim the main reason they hang out in a bar is for conversation, relaxation and the friendly atmosphere. Only 10% mention booze as the main reason. (The rest innocently exclaiming, “Oh you mean they have beer here, too?”)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Canadians snapped up a record 17 MILLION commemorative poppies for “Remembrance Day” THIS YEAR, so many that the Royal Canadian Legion actually ran out. That’s the first time that’s happened in the 80-year history of the poppy campaign, which began in 1921.
• Garage sales have become the 2nd-most-common method of getting rid of things people don’t want. (As you know, the most common method is divorce.)
THE BULL SHEET 11.12.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [57] Al Michaels, Brooklyn NY, TV sportscaster (“ABC Monday Night Football”, since 1986)
1945 [56] Neil Young, Toronto ON [raised Winnipeg], classic rock singer (“Heart of Gold”, Crosby Stills Nash &Young-“Woodstock”)
1958 [43] Megan Mullally, Oklahoma City OK, TV actress (Karen Walker-“Will & Grace”)
1966 [35] David Schwimmer, Queens NY, TV actor (Ross Geller-“Friends”, since 1994)
1968 [33] Sammy Sosa, San Pedro de Macoris DR, MLB slugger (Chicago Cubs) who joined Mark McGwire in breaking Roger Maris’s former record of 61 home runs in a single season with 66 in 1998 (also hit 63 in 1999, 64 in 2001)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day”. The word ‘pizza’ comes from the Latin word ‘picea’ which the Romans used to describe the blackening of bread in an oven. The world’s first true pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba, opened in 1830 and is still in business today in Naples, Italy. An Italian immigrant named Gennaro Lombardi opened the first American pizzeria in 1895 in NYC. Pizza is now consumed all over the world — with or without anchovies!
THIS WEEK is the 7th annual “Random Acts of Kindness Week”, sponsored by the non-profit Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. It involves tens of thousands of volunteers and school children taking part in local ‘kindness’ events in more than 5,000 communities and 35 countries.
NET: http://actsofkindness.org
TODAY is “Chicken Soup for the Soul Day”, honoring the sappy series of feel-good books.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] Toronto Blue Jay Pat Hentgen wins AL ‘Cy Young Award’ (20-10 with 3.22 ERA)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1745 [256] 1st ‘Happy Hour’, in a pub in Ireland (2 for 1 drinks and all the potatoes you can eat)
1859 [142] 1st-ever ‘flying trapeze’ act (Frenchman Jules Leotard, namesake of those cute little outfits)
1931 [70] 1st game at Toronto’s Maple Leaf Gardens (Chicago Black Hawks beat Leafs 2-1)
1951 [50] ‘National Ballet of Canada’, founded by Celia Franca, gives 1st performance (Toronto)
1973 [28] 1st ‘ATM’ installed, at a Chemical Bank branch in NYC (only function is to dispense cash from credit cards)
***
1910 [91] 1st ‘movie stunt’ (a jump into Hudson River from burning balloon)
1933 [68] 1st known photograph of ‘Loch Ness monster’ (Hugh Gray)
1946 [55] 1st ‘drive-up bank’ (Exchange National Bank in Chicago)
1987 [14] 1st ‘fast-food restaurant’ in China (a KFC outlet in Beijing)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National World Kindness Day
[Wed] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Thurs] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout Day
[Thurs] America Recycles Day
[Nov 17] Ramadan begins
Geography Awareness Week
Good Nutrition Month
National American Indian Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS “GEOGRAPHY AWARENESS WEEK” QUIZ:
• In what country would you find the most eastern part of the ‘Western’ world. [Finland]
• What lake contains the world’s only ‘freshwater sharks’ — Lake Nicaragua in Central America, Lake Worth in Florida, or Lake Erie in Ontario/Ohio/Pennsylvania? [Lake Nicaragua]
• The 2nd-tallest chimney in the world can be found in which Canadian city? [The 381-meter (1,250 ft) chimney at the International Nickel Co in Sudbury ON is the world’s 2nd tallest, after a power station in Kazakhstan.]
• What’s the most common placename in Canada — Mount Pleasant, Centreville or Brooklyn? [Those are the top 3 in order, according to “The Top 10 of Everything”.]
• Which US state has the longest coastline? [Surprisingly, it’s Michigan.]
• What’s the only city in North America to have a ‘mayor’s mansion’? [NYC’s Gracie Mansion]
• If you were standing in the northernmost point in the contiguous (48) US states, in what state would you be? [You’d be standing in Minnesota.]
• Only 2 US states’ names begin with double consonants. Which? [Florida and Rhode Island.]
• Which is the USA’s longest highway? [Route 6, from Cape Cod MA through Bishop CA.]
BS TAG LINE:
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
WELCOME!
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