Tuesday, October 19, 2004        Edition: #2890
No “Sheet”? No Service!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the soundtrack of the upcoming movie “Alfie” is released, assembled by Rolling Stone Mick Jagger and Dave Stewart (ex-Eurythmics) with guest artists that include Sheryl Crow and Joss Stone (don’t get too excited, even Jagger is quoted as saying the music chosen to be used in the film is ‘crap’) . . . The Beatles and Cirque du Soleil are producing a multimedia Vegas show to take the place of retired “Siegfried & Roy” and open the new Mirage Theater that’s currently under construction, marking the first time the Beatles have endorsed a stage show (will Ringo be performing with a white tiger?)  . . . A huge PETA billboard about to be erected on Sunset Strip in LA features actress Charlize Theron alongside her dog ‘Tucker’ above the slogan – “If You Wouldn’t Wear Your Dog, Please Don’t Wear Any Fur” (hmm, never even THOUGHT of wearing the dog … now that’s stylin’!) . . . Rumor has it Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s next “Simple Life” season may find them teaching at a Pennsylvania high school (if Paris manages to survive recent accusations of bigotry that aren’t going away).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Rod Stewart – TODAY he’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• Phil Vassar – The “In a Real Love” singer/songwriter has previously written #1 hits for Tim McGraw, Alan Jackson, and Jo Dee Messina.
• OutKast – An HBO movie based on the “Speakerboxxx/The Love Below” CD is weeks behind schedule and already millions of bucks over-budget. Word is director Bryan Barber, who helmed several OutKast videos, seems to have lost control.
• Gwen Stefani – Word is she’s devastated after DNA tests confirmed her husband, Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, is the father of a 15-year-old love child, teen fashion model Daisy Lowe. Ironically, he’s also Daisy’s godfather so they’ve regularly kept in touch.
• Bowling For Soup – TONIGHT they’re on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• 50 Cent – He has an acting role in the upcoming MTV-produced gangster movie “Locked and Loaded”, about an orphaned kid who turns his back on crime and launches a successful music career.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Van Helsing” (Horror Thriller – DVD/VHS): Notorious 19th-century monster hunter ‘Van Helsing’ (Hugh Jackman) is sent to Transylvania to stop ‘Count Dracula’ who is using ‘Dr Frankenstein’s’ research and a werewolf for sinister purposes. Kate Beckinsale co-stars. The movie’s opening sequence follows, shot-for-shot, the original version of “Frankenstein” (1931),
• “A Cinderella Story” (Romantic Comedy – DVD): Hilary Duff plays a high-schooler who’s tormented by her wicked stepmother (Jennifer Coolidge). Through instant messaging and e-mails she falls for an anonymous poet-at-heart (Chad Michael Murray) who turns out to be her school’s star quarterback and most desirable hunk. A forgotten cellphone serves as the ‘glass slipper’.
• “Garfield the Movie” (Animated/Live Action Family – DVD/VHS): Bill Murray provides the voice of the CGI-generated fat and lazy cat based on the long-running Jim Davis comic strip. Breckin Meyer plays pet owner ‘Jon’, Jennifer Love Hewitt a beautiful veterinarian. All of them set out to rescue the kidnaped pooch ‘Odie’. Even at just 82 minutes, it’s said to be a real snoozer.
• “The Ultimate Oliver Stone Collection” – A 14-disc DVD box set of 12 of the Oscar-winning director’s most popular films, including “Platoon”, “Wall Street”, “Born on the Fourth of July”, “The Doors” & “Natural Born Killers”. It also features a preview of his upcoming epic “Alexander”.

WOMEN VS MEN:
According to a survey of 400 psychiatrists, women generally find a man’s personality to be his most sexually appealing trait, followed by his interest in her, his facial appearance, body proportions and signs of success. Men, on the other hand, think a woman’s body proportions are her most attractive feature, followed by her facial appearance, personality and her interest in him. (Seems women are right … men ARE shallow!)
– “Psychology Today”

DOC, I CAN’T FEEL THE STAPLES:
According to a team of researchers from Minnesota’s Mayo Clinic, a large number of patients who have stomach surgery to lose weight develop peripheral nerve damage and complain of pain, tingling and/or numbness. Researchers believe the damage is caused by malnutrition as the body’s capacity to absorb nutrients deteriorates after the surgery. The bottom line –  nerve damage is a frequent consequence of weight-reduction surgery. (Dammit … you just can’t get around this ‘diet and exercise’ deal.)
– ANI

A DATE WITH DUBYA:
Not since former US Vice-President Dan Quayle has there been so much money to be made from a politician’s mangling of the English language. Robert Brown is making a fortune on his “Presidential (Mis)Speak” books and calendars featuring the often hilarious misstatements of George W Bush. And now the “2005 George W Bush Quote-a-Day Calendar” is ready to roll. Some of the featured verbal blunders …
• “Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.”
• “I understand politics and I know there’s going to be a lot of verbage.”
• “Any skeptic about what I’m talkin’ about oughta come and talk to the people who know what they’re talkin’ about.”
• “We can outcompete with anybody.”
• “Matter of fact, there haven’t been a morning that haven’t gone by that I haven’t saw – seen – or read threats.”
• “I am the master of low expectations.”
NET: http://www.bushcalendar.com

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN:
On average, Americans watch 2 hours and 34 minutes of TV a day, compared with 20 minutes a day exercising and 8 minutes daily volunteering or participating in religious or spiritual activities, says John Robinson of the University of Maryland. The director of the ‘American Time-Use Project’ also notes other trends from his recent survey: a decline in men’s work hours; an increase in the time men spend on household activities (now 1 hour, 10 minutes); and a decrease in the time women spend on household activities (1 hour, 48 minutes).
– “Christian Science Monitor”

CHIRPS TO TEMP CHART:
• To convert cricket chirps to degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of chirps in 14 seconds then add 40 to get the temperature. (Example: 30 chirps + 40 = 70 F)
• To convert cricket chirps to degrees Celsius, count the number of chirps in 25 seconds, divide by 3, then add 4 to get the temperature. (Example: 48 chirps /(divided by) 3 + 4 = 20 C)
– “The Old Farmers’ Almanac”

THE SCIENCE OF COOL:
Caltech’s ‘Social Cognitive Neuroscience Lab’ uses Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) to measure subconscious response to 140 different products and celebrities, each of which is assigned a ‘coolness rating’ from 0 to 5. After test subjects are shown the series of materials and their subconscious reactions recorded, their degree of coolness can be calculated. (This would all be tres ‘cool’, except legitimate patients needing MRI scans are languishing on waiting lists across North America.)
– “Wired Magazine”

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average new car loses 12.2% of its value in the first year, according to Edmunds.com.

THE BULL SHEET 10.19.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [73] John Le Carré (David John Moore Cornwell), Poole UK, novelist (“The Tailor of Panama”, “The Russia House”)  FACTOID: A movie version of his best-seller “The Constant Gardener” is now filming, starring Ralph Fiennes.

1945 [59] John Lithgow, Rochester NY, movie actor (“Shrek”, “A Civil Action”)/TV actor (3 Emmy Awards for “3rd Rock From the Sun” 1996-2001)

1960 [44] Dawn Coe-Jones, Campbell River BC, LPGA golfer

1969 [35] Trey Parker, Conifer CO, movie producer/director (“Team America: World Police”, “South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut”)/TV producer/writer (“South Park”)

1976 [28] Cyndi Thomson, Tifton GA, country singer (“What I Really Meant To Say”, “I’m Gone”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. (Shouldn’t take long.)

OCTOBER is “National Pharmacy Month”. According to a recent poll, about 60% of Americans consider prescription drugs a ‘very important’ issue in their vote for president. (Their biggest question is – are the candidates ON prescription drugs or are they just naturally like that?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1919 [85] 1st team to ‘throw’ a World Series (Chicago’s loss to Reds becomes known as the ‘Black Sox Scandal’)

1957 [47] 1st NHLer to score 500 career goals (Maurice “Rocket” Richard-Montreal Canadiens)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1872 [132] ‘World’s Largest Gold Nugget’ found in New South Wales, Australia (215 kg/473 lbs)

1980 [24] Steve McPeak rides ‘World’s Largest Unicycle’ (101′, 9″)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Babbling Day
[Thurs] Reptile Day
[Thurs] Canadian Urban Music Awards (Toronto)
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Sat] Canned Food Day
[Sat] Make a Difference Day
[Sun] United Nations Day
[Sun] Mother-In-Laws Day
This Week Is . . . Canadian Citizenship Week / National School Bus Safety Week
This Month Is . . . Campaign For Healthier Babies (and why not, they’re campaigning for everything else!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• What are chickens called if they are scared to do something?
• Is it only coincidence that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?
• How come the foods that are good for you tend to seek the back of the refrigerator?
• Why does a woman work years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

BS THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN:
Especially if you’re hoping to get ‘intimate’ ….
• “I think fat babes are hot.”
• “You remind me of my mother.”
• “My boss says you’re a real tiger …. and so does my brother!”
• “After we do it I’ll take you to McDonald’s.”
• “When is the last time you took a bath?”
– “Weekly World News”

10 THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BUY USED:
1. Laptop
2. Child’s Car Seat
3. Plasma TV
4. DVD Player
5. Vacuum Cleaner
6. Camcorder
7. Shoes
8. Mattress
9. Wet Suit
10. Helmet
10 THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BUY NEW:
1. Books
2. DVDs, CDs and Videos
3. Little Kids’ Toys
4. Jewelry
5. Sports Equipment
6. Timeshares
7. Cars
8. Software & Console Games
9. Office Furniture
10. Hand Tools
– MSN Money

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• CBC is going to drag out its “The Greatest Canadian” TV special for 10 weeks before telling us who tops the list. We’ll tell the winner this morning of your vote on … “The LAMEST Canadian”. (A few pump primers – Pamela Anderson, Tommy Hunter, Céline Dion, Stompin’ Tom, Jason Priestly, William Shatner, The Moffatts, Red Green, Tom Green, Alan Thicke.)
• The British government is considering billing Canada a 6-figure sum for the 120-hour rescue of the fire-damaged “HMCS Chicoutimi”. Is that fair when they sold us the lemon in the first place?

SEXIEST WOMEN ALIVE:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Halle Berry
3. Britney Spears
4. Jessica Simpson
5. Beyoncé
– “Esquire” NOVEMBER edition.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: How can you tell an herb from a spice?
A:  Herbs are green. If it’s not green, it’s a spice.
– “Town & Country Farmer’s Almanac”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Studies show men are twice as good at THIS as women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dieting.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The future is just like the present … only longer.