Friday, October 3, 2003 Edition: #2636
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW night the surprise TV makeover hit “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy”, starring the oh-so-tasteful ‘Fab Five’, finally debuts in Canada on Bravo! . . . SUNDAY Twisted Sister lead singer Dee Snider will perform at Arnold Schwarzenegger gubernatorial campaign rally in Sacramento CA (“We’re Not Gonna Take It” is his official campaign song) . . . SUNDAY one of the dumbest reality shows yet airs on British TV as ‘mind control expert’ Derren Brown will play Russian roulette LIVE and attempt to survive by predicting which chamber the bullet is in (why couldn’t Jay Leno try this?) . . . Syndicated talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh is finally paying the piper – resigning from ESPN’s “NFL Sunday” on which he made racial comments about Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb AND he’s now being investigated for allegedly buying thousands of addictive painkillers from a black-market drug ring . . . The International Federation of Phonographic Industries says worldwide CD sales fell by a whopping 10.9% in the first half of 2003 and illegal downloads are now matching or exceeding commercial sales . . . Halle Berry & sex-addict husband Eric Benet have separated after 2 years of wedded hell (maybe those stories of a relationship with Fred Durst are true?) . . . Teaneck NJ police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Lil’ Kim for failing to show up in court on a cannabis possession charge – from 1996 (cripes, what’s the statue of limitations on weed?) . . . There may be some truth to those reports about Britney Spears making moves with her choreographer Columbus Short – his pregnant wife has just announced they’ve separated . . . Word has it the cast & crew of “That 70s Show” has grown tired of star Ashton Kutcher’s main squeeze Demi Moore scrutinizing every move on the set . . . And, according to ‘pals’, Nicole Kidman & Lenny Kravitz are keeping their burgeoning romance private to avoid upsetting their respective children.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “School of Rock” (Comedy): Jack Black plays a rock star who gets fired from his band and takes a job as a 4th Grade substitute teacher at an uptight private school. The soundtrack featuring The Who, The Doors & Led Zeppelin will appeal to old-school rock fans.
• “Out of Time” (Crime Thriller): Denzel Washington plays the police chief of tiny Banyan Key FL who must solve a vicious double homicide before he falls under suspicion himself.
• “Prey for Rock & Roll” (Limited Release Drama): Gina Gershon & Drea de Matteo (“The Sopranos”) star in this story of an all-girl rock band called Clam Dandy who are trying to make it in the LA club scene in the late 1980s.
• “The Event” (Limited Release Drama): Parker Posey plays a District Attorney investigating a series of unexplained deaths among the gay community of NYC’s fashionable Chelsea district. Filmed in Halifax, it also features Canadian actors Don McKellar, Sarah Polley & Brent Carver.
WHADYA MEAN? I AIN’T SOUTHRUN:
A new Vanderbilt University study finds that the number of Americans who are fiercely proud to be called ‘Southerners’ is being noticeably diluted by newcomers and those who just plain reject the label. From 1991 to 2001, the number of people living in the South who identified themselves as ‘Southerners’ declined from 78% to 70%. (Coincidentally, both the possum and squirrel populations have increased by 30%.)
LAW & DISORDER:
• A dog owner in Floroe, Norway has been ordered to pay for a canine abortion after his mutt gave a neighbor’s dog … er, a bone. The Dobermann cross ‘Schico’ apparently just couldn’t control himself and wound up impregnating a local bitch whose owner sued and won. (Would have been a helluva lot chepaer to turn on the hose!)
• A British judge has ruled that a London nightclub is 30% responsible for performance artist Tutu breaking her leg when a table collapsed beneath her. The 180-pounder was attempting to snuff out birthday cake candles – with her butt. She spent 10 days in hospital after the stunt ‘backfired’.
• A Houston TX bank robber needed a getaway vehicle so he went for a test drive at a car dealer and never came back. The next day, he used the stolen car for a robbery. Rene Castillo was quickly arrested – because he left his real driver’s license with the dealer as collateral.
WHO’S MINDING THE KIDS?
Average hours per week spent bathing, feeding, reading, playing, etc –
Employed Women … 6.6
Employed Men … 2.5
Stay-at-Home Women … 12.9
Stay-at-Home Men … 2.6
Source: “Newsweek”)
IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERRE:
According to a new report from scientists with the World Health Organization, about 160,000 people now die every year from side-effects of global warming, ranging from malaria to malnutrition. And the UN agency warns that, unless something is done, those numbers could almost double by 2020. (Yeah, global warming is scary! Last winter alone, 82 people froze to death in northern Saskatchewan.)
STOP YOUR WHINING, KIDS:
A new report based on international surveys and research by the University of Michigan and UCLA finds that most students have less than an hour of homework per night. The percentage assigned more than an hour has dropped steadily since 1984, and only about 1 in 10 high school students does more than 2 hours of homework per night. (I remember when I was in school, we did 25 hours a night … by oil lamp … using a lump of coal.)
WHAT WE DO IN A LIFETIME:
In the average lifetime we –
Sleep for 23 years.
Work … 19 years.
Leisure Activities … 9 years.
Travel … 7 years.
Eat … 6 years.
Illness … 3 years.
Personal Care … 2 years.
Religion … 1 year.
(They forgot – Stand in Line … 57 years, Wait on Hold … 62 years, Have Sex … 28 minutes.)
Source: “Timesource”
THE BULL SHEET 10.03.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [54] Lindsey Buckingham, Palo Alto CA, rock singer/guitarist (Fleetwood Mac-“Say You Will”, “Dreams”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1998)
1962 [41] Tommy Lee (Bass), Athens GRE, ex-Mr Pam Anderson/ex-Mr Heather Locklear/ex-con/ex-Motley Crue (“Girls Girls Girls”) FACTOID: He’ll be celebrating TONIGHT with former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar, performing at the annual “Cabo Wabo Meltdown” in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
1969 [34] Gwen Stefani, Anaheim CA, rock singer (No Doubt-“Underneath It All”, “Hella Good”, “Don’t Speak”)/fashion designer-marketer (LAMB)/Mrs Gavin Rossdale COMING UP: In her movie acting debut, she’ll play the role of actress Jean Harlow in Martin Scorsese’s Howard Hughes bio-pic, “The Aviator”, coming in 2004.
1969 [34] Janel Moloney, Woodland Hills CA, TV actress (‘Donna Moss’, assistant to Deputy Chief of Staff ‘Josh Lyman’ on “The West Wing” since 1999)
1971 [32] Kevin Richardson, Lexington KY, washed-up pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”)/sometime Broadway actor (‘Billy Flynn’-“Chicago”)/cousin of Brian Littrell
1973 [30] Neve Campbell, Guelph ON, movie actress (“Scream I-III”, “Wild Things”)
1976 [27] Seann William Scott, Cottage Grove MN, movie actor (“The Rundown”, “American Pie 1-3″, “Bulletproof Monk”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [79] Charlton Heston (John Charles Carter), Evanston IL, 2nd-term National Rifle Association President/movie actor (original & remake of “Planet of the Apes”, “The 10 Commandments”, Oscar-“Ben Hur”)/diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
1946 [57] Susan Sarandon (Tomalin), NYC, movie actress (“Thelma & Louise”, “Bull Durham”, Oscar-“Dead Man Walking”)/actor Tim Robbins’ partner since 1988
1970 [33] Heidi Newfield, Healdsburg CA, country vocalist/guitarist (Trick Pony-“”On a Mission”, “On a Night Like This”)
1976 [27] Alicia Silverstone, San Francisco CA, TV actress (“Miss Match”)/movie actress (“Clueless”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “World Smile Day”, a day to do an act of kindness and help one person smile. (Sponsored by ‘ASS’, the Association of the Sickeningly Sweet.)
NET: http://worldsmileday.com
THIS WEEKEND “Pumpkinfest”, the international pumpkin weigh-off competition, invades Port Elgin ON. Last year more than 55,000 visitors watched growers compete for world titles in a variety of giant vegetables. An 894-lb Baltimore MD pumpkin beat out one from Barrie ON by a measly pound-and-a-half. So how do you move the big veggies around – by crane?
PHONER: 800-387-3456/519-389-3714
NET: http://www.sunsets.com/portelgin/pumpkinfest
TOMORROW is “National Golf Day”. While much of the modern game is attributed to Scottish origins, the very first version of the game can be traced back to the Roman Empire when they played a game that involved hitting feather-stuffed balls with club-shaped branches. The oldest established golf club in North America is the Royal Montréal, officially founded in 1873.
The first 18-hole course in the USA was the Chicago Golf Club founded in 1893.
TOMORROW is “International Toot Your Flute Day”, to encourage the idea of selling yourself and telling others how good you are, while rejecting the idea that self-promotion is ‘bragging’.
TOMORROW-October 10th is “World Space Week”. ‘N Syncer Lance Bass is the official 2003 ‘Youth Spokesperson’ and will lead a contest for students to design a hypothetical International Space Station module. Winners will get to meet him at an awards ceremony early NEXT YEAR.
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [16] France’s Michel Pruffer becomes ‘fastest skier’ by clocking 135.26 mph at Portillo, Chile
1988 [15] World’s ‘largest cocktail’ concocted – a 327-gallon pina colada
1997 [06] Japan’s Maglev bullet train breaks world train speed record at 280.3 mph
1997 [06] 69-year-old Hockey Hall of Famer Gordie Howe skates with Detroit Vipers in their International Hockey League opener, becoming only hockey pro to compete in 6 decades
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Story Telling Day
[Sun] World Teachers Day
[Mon] German-American Day
[Mon] International Frugal Fun Day
[Mon] Yom Kippur
[Tues] Child Health Day
[Tues] California election
This Week Is – Mental Illness Awareness Week
This Month Is – Computer Learning Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘BEST BEFORE CONTEST’:
Have a look in your fridge & cupboards – we have a prize for the oldest expiry date!
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• French scientists have announced that they’ve cloned a rat. That’s great, this will solve that terrible worldwide rat shortage!
• I’d go on welfare but I’m not used to living that well.
• The US Navy is changing the name of a new warship called ‘Sea Blade’ because an official complained it sounded too gay. I believe it was a rear admiral.
• Chinese scientists have managed to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. They’re hoping to develop a human with a lucky foot.
BS ‘QUICK-PICK QUIZ’:
• What usually happens to firearms confiscated from criminals?
a. To save costs, they’re added to police arsenals.
b. They’re destroyed, usually by melting. [CORRECT]
c. They’re sold at police auctions.
• Why does the water seem cloudy when you first turn on a tap?
a. Air bubbles. [CORRECT]
b. Mineral build-up.
c. It’s just an optical illusion.
• Why do cows stick their tongues up their nostrils?
a. Because they can.
b. They use the watery secretions to help digest their food. [CORRECT]
c. Well you can’t pick your nose with a hoof, stupid.
• Why do we wake up with bad breath in the morning?
a. It’s the aroma of digested food in the colon.
b. It’s not really that bad, we’re just not used to our natural odors anymore thanks to modern hygiene products.
c. It’s a side-effect of your tongue crusting over. [CORRECT. Lack of saliva flow overnight allows bacteria build-up.]
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What common catch-words or phrases have been twisted into misuse?” Here’s a few primers to get you going –
• ‘Savings’ … even when you purchase an item at a bargain price you’re not SAVING anything, just spending less. The only time you SAVE money is when you don’t buy at all.
• ‘New & Improved’ … it doesn’t matter what it is, it can’t possibly be BOTH.
• ‘Hotel Guest’ … you’re not a ‘guest’ at all, you’re PAYING to stay there.
• ‘Associates’ … big companies have taken to calling workers this in order to foster the feeling that ‘we’re all in this together’. You’re not a ‘sales associate’ … you’re a freakin’ employee!
• ‘Safe Haven’ … the word ‘haven’ itself means ‘safe shelter’, so it needs no qualifier.
• ‘Near Miss’ … a prevented airplane crash is actually a ‘near HIT’, or maybe a ‘TOTAL miss’.
For more ideas, check out the ‘Word Pirate’ Website –
NET: http://www.wordpirates.com
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A recent poll finds that most people would rather clean toilets than do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sort through all their spam e-mail.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
