Tuesday, October 2, 2001 Edition: #2144
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!
• Whyzit women don’t blink during foreplay? (They don’t have enough time.)
• Whyzit take 1 million sperm to fertilize a single egg? (They won’t stop for directions.)
• Whyzit God put men on Earth? (Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.)
• Whyzit women don’t have men’s brains? (Because they don’t have penises to put them in.)
• Whyzit men were given larger brains than dogs? (So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Kevin Spacey hosts “Come Together”, a tribute to John Lennon at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall, with performances by Alanis Morissette, Dave Matthews, Beck, Marc Anthony, Moby and Nelly Furtado (airing live on TNT) . . . THIS WEEK the horn on which jazz legend Louis Armstrong learned to play as a child is up for bid in a Sotheby’s Internet auction and is expected to fetch up to $100,000 (spit extra) . . . Rumors continue to swirl that Madonna’s marriage may be on the rocks (so, looks like Michael Jordan’s not the only one going back to the NBA!).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
After being shipped to a museum in London, the mummified body of ‘Imhotep’ once again wakes and begins his campaign of terror in the horror thriller “The Mummy Returns”, starring Brendan Fraser & Rachel Weisz . . . Sigourney Weaver & Jennifer Love Hewitt play a mother and daughter con team who seduce and scam wealthy men in the crime comedy “Heartbreakers” . . . “Boogeymen”, a compilation of clips from 17 classic slasher films (for people who are getting too much sleep) . . . And there are new ‘Special Edition’ DVD issues of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1984 sci-fi thriller “The Terminator”, and Norman Jewison’s classic musical “Fiddler on the Roof”.
NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, HEAD IN THE CLOUDS:
49% of employees say daydreaming is an ‘important part’ of their workday, according to a survey in “Business Employment Weekly”. (The poll was conducted among . . . I wonder what one of those Porsche Boxters costs? . . . Hey, there’s something in my coffee cup . . .)
A study in the “Journal of Public Health” shows that high school students given free condoms in school are no more likely to engage in sex than counterparts who don’t receive free contraceptives. (When you’re 15, fat and flatulent, a rubber ain’t gonna help your cause.)
EXCERPTS FROM THE JUST-RELEASED “2002 GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS”:
• Britain’s Ken Edwards has the new record for eating cockroaches — 36 medium-sized creepy crawlers in 1 minute. (He’s now working as an exterminator.)
• Australian Graham Barker has extracted his own belly button fluff every day since 1984, collecting a world record 0.54 ounces. (He’s just 18 years away from a sweater.)
• The record for the ‘furthest coin propulsion by an earlobe’ is held by Monte Pierce, who can catapult a coin just under 12 feet with his ear. (What’s he use for bottle caps?)
• The loudest burp on record is by the UK’s Paul Hunn, who pulled off 118.1 decibel effort — comparable to a plane taking off. (Bet he gets all the babes at the local pub.)
• And the world’s most prolific guinea pig is named ‘Sooty’. He fathered 43 babies during a single night of passion — with 24 different partners. (Well, you know what they say – once you go black . . .)
• A French shop owner who put up a neon sign announcing his wife’s affair with a banker has been fined $5000 — for infringing on the banker’s ‘right to privacy’. (Talk about a two-time loser!)
• A 19-year-old Russian soldier on frontier guard who ate part of his army bunk in hopes of getting a discharge has been forced to suffer through multiple painful operations. Doctors inserted an ‘endoscope’ (ouchh!!!) into his body more than 40 times in order to remove the metal pieces. If that’s not a big enough pain in the butt — he may also be charged with damaging state property!
• McDonald’s restaurants in the UK are now offering sex education for employees because too many teens are having children out of wedlock. (Mmm, did somebody say McJagger?!)
• The Australian government has set up an online directory of the country’s 13,000 public washrooms with a zoomable ‘Toilet Map’ showing exact locations. The site was created to aid the estimated 1 million Aussies who suffer incontinence. (Well yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do when I get a severe case of burrito cramps – look for a computer to sign on to, find a Website, then search a data bank.)
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT:
Psychiatrist Dr Leo Wollman is an expert on obesity and says the type of foods we yearn for carry a secret message about who we are. For instance . . .
• Ethnic foods — People who crave ethnic foods are sentimental and romantic and view the past with nostalgia.
• Desserts – Sweets appeal to people who want more than the normal amount of recognition. They are hard workers who do not get full credit for their efforts.
• Steaks and roasts – Beef-eaters are highly motivated, aggressive and value achievement and success. They like to take charge of things and always be in control.
• Cold, wet, slippery foods – Oysters, custards, gelatins and the like are craved by people with strong romantic inclinations and a big need for physical intimacy. These people have a lot of energy.
• Warm, soft, easy to digest foods – People who can’t resist hot breads, mashed potatoes and pancakes are sensitive, sympathetic and quick to side with the underdog. However, they find life in general to be somewhat threatening and are worriers.
• Chewy and crunchy foods – These are ‘angry foods’ that appeal to people who find it difficult to express their anger openly. On the surface they’re easy-going but inside they have pent up hostilities.
• Fresh foods – Fruits, greens and veggies are irresistible to people who are energetic, enthusiastic and want to live life to the fullest.
THE BULL SHEET 10.02.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1948  Donna Karan (Faske), Forest Hills NY, fashion designer (DKNY line of clothing)
1950  ‘Charlie Brown’ and ‘Snoopy’, cartoon characters created by the late Charles Schultz (1st “Peanuts” comic strip [originally titled “Li’l Folks”] debuts in 9 newspapers)
1951  Sting (Gordon Sumner), Wallsend ENG, rock musician (“Brand New Day”, Police-“Every Breath You Take”)/founded the ‘Rainforest Foundation’ in 1989
1955  Lorraine Bracco, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (Dr Jennifer Melfi, the shrink on “The Sopranos”)/Mrs Edward James Olmos NOTE: Voted the ‘Ugliest Girl in the 6th Grade’ at her Long Island school, she later moved to France to become a fashion model for Jean-Paul Gautier
1970  Kelly Ripa, Stratford NJ, TV talk show co-host ( “Live With Regis & Kelly”)/TV soap actress (Hayley Vaughan Santos-“All My Children”, since 1990)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Name Your Car Day”. A poll shows that about 15% of people have a pet name for their vehicle. What’s the strangest you’ve heard?
TODAY is “Custodial Workers Day”, honoring those who clean up after the rest of us. Nicer names for ‘janitor’ –’‘Caretaker’, ‘Maintenance Coordinator’, ‘Sanitation Engineer’, ‘Cleanliness Resource Supervisor’.
TODAY is “World Farm Animals Day”, as declared by the ‘Farm Animal Reform Movement’, to memorialize the ‘needless suffering and death’ of billions of innocent farm animals each year. The date honors the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, who was the world’s foremost champion of humane farming.
TODAY is “Old Man’s Day” in Braughing, England, commemorating a 16th-century funeral in which pallbearers dropped a coffin bearing an old man. The jolt woke him up and saved him from being buried alive. Villagers have commemorated the event ever since with a procession to the cemetery.
TONIGHT the “Harvest Moon” will rise in the east about a half-hour after the Sun sets in the west. The name for the Full Moon occurring closest to the September Equinox is derived from the additional light that allowed farmers to harvest their crops after sunset.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995  OJ Simpson jurors reach ‘not guilty’ verdict in less than 4 hours, a 59th birthday gift for defense attorney Johnnie Cochran
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 1st tin can with a ‘key opener’ (the ones that always break when the can’s half open)
1946  1st TV ‘soap opera’ (“The Faraway Hill”-DuMont Network)
1991  1st team in sports history to draw 4 million fans in 1 season (Toronto Blue Jays, who also clinch AL East on this day)
1994  1st-ever clash of father vs son as NFL coaches (Miami coach Don Shula defeats son, Cincinnati coach David Shula, as Dolphins beat Bengals 23-7)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Golf Day
[Sun] Primetime Emmy Awards
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day
[Mon] Columbus Day
Polish American History Month
No Salt Week
National Skin Care Awareness Week
Canadian Stamp Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• There is seaweed in toothpaste. (TRUTH. A purple, edible seaweed called Carrageenan, or Irish Moss, is a common ingredient in toothpaste — and in ice cream!)
• 50% of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct. (BS. It’s actually closer to 95%!)
• Canada’s coastline is 6 times longer than Australia’s. (TRUTH)
• Only first-generation offspring of Holstein cows have the same pattern of spots. (BS. No two are the same.)
• Shrimps’ hearts are actually in their heads. (TRUTH)
• About a third of all home buyers are now single women. (TRUTH. The latest stats show 31.7% of recent home buyers are single, unmarried women, according to the National Association of Realtors.)
• The sound of a snore can be almost as loud as a pneumatic drill. (TRUTH. Snore — up to 69 decibels. Jackhammer – 70-90 decibels.)
• After the USA, Canada has the world’s greatest number of tornadoes. (BS. Australia has a few hundred a year, a distant 2nd to the US which experiences about 1000 annually.)
• It takes the human eye an hour to adapt completely to seeing in the dark. (TRUTH)
BS TAG LINE:
The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The realist knows that if he hangs around long enough, he’s gonna have to wash the glass.