Monday, October 29, 2001 Edition: #2163
We’ve Gone Bullistic!
BS REASONS YOU LOST THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST:
• Your Osama costume got you beat up on the way to the party — 8 times.
• You went as Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson and your entire costume involved Magic-markering your eyebrows together.
• Your Stockwell Day costume was ruined when the shoes kept falling out of your mouth.
• Your prison uniform ripped every time you bent over.
• Thanks to the sliding humps, no one could tell whether you came as a camel or Britney Spears.
• Your ‘Ally McBeal’ kept barfing in the judge’s trick-or-treat bag.
• You couldn’t get the zipper on your Russell Crowe costume to stay up.
• Much to your surprise, 23 other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, the father of alternating current.
• Even though your ‘Viagra Man’ outfit was clever, people just mistook you for a lawyer.
• Your ‘70s wardrobe just didn’t go over, especially after you revealed you forgot there even WAS a costume contest.
• After your roommate insisted on being ‘the front legs’, you discovered that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.
• You should have applied the “Something About Mary” hair gel BEFORE the party.
PHONER: “What was the weirdest get-up at your weekend party?”
BS JUICY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “Sun” claims Jennifer Lopez has presented new hubby Cris Judd with a customized Jaguar that features the initials ‘J & C’ encrusted in diamonds on the gearshift and a vanity license plate reading ‘ONLY 1 4 ME’. A friend says, “She got the car so Cris will feel close to her when she’s away on tour.” (Previously he had to resort to snuggling up to a pair of hot-air balloons.)
• “Star” reports Julia Roberts and new boytoy, married cameraman Danny Moder, shocked shoppers recently by getting hot and heavy in the front seat of her Volvo in the parking lot of a Malibu shopping center. (Wow this IS shocking — she drives a Volvo?)
• “National Enquirer” claims its exclusive investigation gives ‘startling proof’ that Saddam Hussein is behind the anthrax attacks. (Why do we need the FBI and CIA when we’ve got the “Enquirer” on the case?)
• TODAY Paul McCartney releases a new single worldwide titled “From a Lover to a Friend”. “E! Online” reports that all proceeds will benefit families of firefighters who died in the 9/11 attacks.
• “Charmed” actress Rose McGowan tells “Details” magazine that one of several factors that led to her breakup with shock rocker Marilyn Manson was a conflict in decor. “I collect Depression-era Moderne,” she says. “It doesn’t work well with devil’s heads.” (Another reason for the split — she caught him wearing another woman’s make-up.)
• And this breaking story you’ve likely overlooked comes courtesy of “Weekly World News” — “Bigfoot Kept Lumberjack As Love Slave!”
16TH ANNUAL GEMINI AWARDS:
Canada’s TV awards from the Academy of Canadian Cinema & Television will be handed out TONIGHT on CBC-TV at 8pm. CTV’s miniseries “Nuremberg” leads nominations with 12. Alec Baldwin, Kate Nelligan and Helen Shaver are among the acting nominees.
HOW KLUTZY ARE WE?
The Consumer Product Safety Commission reveals there are 120,000 clothing related injuries each year. Actual recorded injuries have included: ‘shoulder dislocation while putting on a t-shirt’, ‘falling and breaking a nose while slipping off a nightgown’ and — the one mom warned you about – ‘poking an eye while pulling on socks’.
FOOD FACTS:
• A survey conducted for Nestle finds that nearly 3 times as many women as men crave chocolate. Of those who said they’d eat a piece of chocolate as a treat, 77% were women, while only 23% were men.
• According to “Health” magazine, 75% of the sodium in our diet comes from processed foods, NOT from table salt. (No, really? You mean Doritos aren’t all natural?)
WATCH YOUR PREMIUMS VANISH:
UK insurance company Ultraviolet will pay out up to $144,000 under its ‘Spooksafe’ policy for ‘death, injury or damage to personal affects caused by a ghost or poltergeist’. The policy also covers the consequences of being turned into a werewolf or vampire. The company has written around 500 policies so far THIS YEAR, mainly in California.
VAMPIRE FACTS:
• In ancient times baths of human blood were prescribed as a remedy for leprosy.
• Greek Christianity has been credited by many as the origin of the vampire belief.
• In Diesdorf, Germany it is believed that if money is not placed in the mouth of a dead person at burial, he will become a ‘Nachzehrer’ (vampire) and his ghost will rise from the grave in the form of a pig.
• In addition to the wooden stake through the heart, another preventive measure is to break the neck of the dead body.
(Source: “The Book of Vampires”)
WE NEED THIS HERE:
A Hong Kong theater chain is seeking permission to jam mobile phone reception in their movie houses, claiming ringing phones disturb patrons. (Well, that’s just stupid. How can anybody enjoy a movie without talking to four or five friends on the phone?)
FOR THE RECORD:
A Dorset UK man is claiming to have missed only one night drinking in his local pub in the past 51 YEARS. David Roper says he’s drunk 74,000 pints at the Three Horseshoes pub for a total tab of about $175,000. He’s looking for a mention in the “Guinness Book of World Records”, but a spokesperson for the book says she would need some sort of evidence. (An X-ray of his liver ought to do it.)
QUANTIFYING CRISES:
A new study by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center finds the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy was more emotionally devastating for Americans than the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Kelowna BC woman says provincial child welfare officials have told her to get rid of the family pet or risk losing her 9 children. The family pet? A 5.5-metre, 63-kg python snake whose tail her 18-month-old toddler has been observed chewing.
• As punishment for throwing beer bottles at a car, a pair of Coshocton OH men were given the choice of 60 days in jail or an hour-long stroll down Main Street — wearing dresses, wigs and makeup. They chose the dresses and served the sentence FRIDAY. (It seemed to work out well — both lined up dates for Saturday.)
• A German tourist who pleaded guilty to having oral sex in Lusaka, Zambia has been sentenced to 6 years of ‘hard labor’ in jail. (What, he needs practice?)
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else.” – Britney Spears, explaining she’s not interested in being a role model.
THE BULL SHEET 10.29.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [54] Richard Dreyfuss, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“The Education of Max Bickford”)/film actor (“Mr Holland’s Opus”, Oscar-“The Goodbye Girl”)
1965 [36] Peter Timmins, Toronto ON, pop/rock musician (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)
1971 [30] Winona Ryder (Horowitz), Winona MN, movie actress (“Zoolander”, “Girl Interrupted”, “Alien: Resurrection”) who’s most noted for who she’s slept with (David Duchovny, Matt Damon, Johnny Depp, NY Yankees, etc) NEXT FILM: The Adam Sandler romantic comedy “Deeds”, opening next summer
1977 [24] Jon Abrahams, NYC, movie actor (“Scary Movie”, “Meet the Parents”)
1977 [24] Brendan Fehr, New Westminister BC [raised Winnipeg], TV actor (Michael Guerin-“Roswell”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Basketball Coaches Day”, honoring the thousands of dedicated leaders who teach youngsters how to dribble.
TODAY’S MUSIC HISTORY . . .
1966 [35] “96 Tears” by ? & The Mysterians hits #1
1982 [19] Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson release “The Girl is Mine” (ya right, Mikey)
1983 [18] Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” becomes ‘longest-charting album of all time’ as it logs its 491st week on “Billboard” ‘Top 200′ album chart (lasts 740 weeks altogether until July 13, 1988)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [112] Vancouver’s popular Stanley Park is dedicated
1945 [56] 1st ‘ballpoint pen’ goes on sale, 57 years after it was patented (for $12.95)
1947 [54] 1st ‘artificial rain’ created by seeding clouds with dry ice (Concord NH)
1966 [35] ‘National Organization of Women’ (NOW) founded
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1995 [06] San Francisco 49er Jerry Rice becomes NFL’s career leader in receiving yards with 14,040 (the old guy’s still adding to them with the Oakland Raiders)
1998 [03] 77-year-old return astronaut, US Senator John Glenn, becomes ‘oldest person to travel in space’ aboard Discovery (1st space shuttle with ‘Ask Me About My Grandchildren’ sticker on rear bumper)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Devil’s Night / National Candy Corn Day
[Wed] Halloween / National Magic Day / Increase Your Psychic Powers Day
[Thurs] Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) / All Saint’s Day
[Fri] All Soul’s Day
[Sun] Emmy Awards rescheduled (again)
National Magic Week
National Clock Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which TV show does your family pet like the most?” (Compile ‘pet ratings’ ie: #1 with cats, etc)
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTERS:
Q: If you pick 100 names at random from the phone book, how many are likely to have unlisted numbers?
A: Zero. Unlisted numbers aren’t in the phone book. Stats show about 25% of us are unlisted.
Q: How many grooves are on an old 33 rpm vinyl record?
A: Two. One per side, both continuous.
BEST VEHICLES BY OCCUPATION:
• Cowboy . . . Bronco
• Exterminator . . . VW Bug
• Fireman . . . Blazer
• Proctologist . . . Probe
• Astronaut . . . Explorer
• Photographer . . . Focus
• Diplomat . . . Accord
• Forester . . . Ford Ranger
• Quarterback . . . Dodge
• Astrologer . . . Taurus
• Hooker . . .. F-Series pick-up
• Contortionist . . . Mercedes-Benz (bends)
(Bet your listeners have ideas for more!)
BS TAG LINE:
Definition of optimism — a bagpiper with a beeper.
SAMPLE THIS!
This week these fine folks are uploading “Sheet” – John Hammersley @ THE MOOSE Bancroft ON (our favorite animal-named station), Jennifer Page @ WBBE Baton Rouge LA, Jammer@ KNOU New Orleans LA, and Darren Chapple @ BFBS British Armed Forces Radio, Gibraltar (it’s a ‘rock’ station). Welcome aboard, and remember, you can subscribe by following the link at the top of the page.
