Monday, October 15, 2001 Edition: #2153
Don’t you miss the old days when the only person on TV living in a cave was ‘Batman’?
Forget about anthrax and Osama, here’s the world’s REAL breaking news stories, according to tabloid headlines –
• “Noah Had Dinosaurs on the Ark!”
• “Thousands Worship Rock That Fell Off a Truck!”
• “22-Pound Housefly Captured!”
• “Teen’s Hair Changes Color — With Her Mood!”
• “How to Tell If Your Dog’s an Alcoholic!”
• “Space Alien Flasher Rocks L.A.!”
• “You Really CAN Die of Boredom!”
• “Tummy-Baring Shirts for Guys are Big at the Office!” (wow, guess we’re way out of fashion!)
JUICY CELEB BUZZ FROM THE TABS:
• “E! Online” confirms Sarah McLachlan and drummer husband Ashwin Sood are expecting their first child. No due date announced so far. (Will it be baby “Adia”?)
• UK’s”Sun” says tennis babe Anna Kournikova is set to become a ‘Bond’ girl and is currently in negotiations to appear in Pierce Brosnan’s 4th ‘007′ film. Meantime, Destiny’s Child hottie Beyonce Knowles is in advanced negotiations to make her feature film debut as the female lead in “Austin Powers 3: Goldmember”. (Will she sing the title song? And will it be called ‘Goooold Member’?)
• Nicole Kidman is definitely in the market for a new husband, says “NY Post”. “I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed,” she reportedly told a BBC interviewer. (Interested? The line forms to the left.)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Jodie Foster was so pleased with her first-born baby boy, Charlie, she went back to the same sperm bank to request a shot from the same anonymous donor for #2 son, Kit. That reportedly means both sons were fathered by a ‘super handsome donor with an IQ of 160′. (Well, guess that rules out David Crosby.)
• According to “Sun”, Eminem and his screen lover Brittany Murphy have set tongues wagging after flirting on the set of his so-far-untitled autobiographical movie in which the pair share a steamy love scene. Interesting that her role is that of his real-life ex-wife Kim Mathers. (Sounds like a case of surrogate humping.)
• And in a new interview, Paul McCartney tells “Reader’s Digest” that none of the other Beatles had anything whatsoever to do with the song “Yesterday”, and because of that he’s asked Yoko Ono to allow his name to precede John Lennon’s on the song’s credits. Her adamant refusal, he says, is one of the reasons he and Yoko aren’t the greatest of friends. (Children, children, count your billions and behave!)
THEY ALWAYS GET THEIR HIJACKER:
Transport Minister David Collenette has announced that armed Mounties will travel aboard any Canadian flights into Washington’s Reagan National Airport. (Now you can feel secure in the knowledge that somewhere on board there’s an undercover RCMP officer — in a flaming red tunic and Boy Scout hat.)
BIRD FLIPPING:
A Ledger Marketing survey finds that large numbers of commuters have been the target of rude gestures. 71% of those polled say they’ve been the recipient of someone ‘giving them the finger’. And an honest 35% admit doing it! (It’s been so cold in Sudbury, they’re flipping the mitt.)
TUBE TIME:
Stats show that on average we spend 12 years of our lives watching TV. (Watching one golf tournament would account for about 11 of them.)
PIG HEADED:
According to a study in the “Mail”, the best ‘brain food’ for breakfast is – bacon. After testing various breakfasts on schoolchildren, the study concluded that bacon is the best thing for stimulating grey matter. Seems that its protein, combined with fruit juice, can increase intelligence by several points. (And your lard butt by several pounds.)
WHAT MEN WANT:
THIS MONTH’s “Cosmopolitan” magazine features an article titled ‘How to Set His Thighs on Fire’, which instructs women on how to please a man in bed. (Rule #1 . . . Just show up.)
HUNGRY HUES:
Nutritionists and psychologists agree that colors influence our eating habits. For instance, brown stimulates appetite because we associate it with chocolate, and pink stimulates the body’s desire for sugar. In general, warm colors cause us to eat more, while calming cool colors lead us to eat less. Bottom line — if you want to lose weight, eat off a blue or green plate!
POOCH PARTY:
Animal lovers in Switzerland have formed a new political party to represent dogs. The ‘Dog Party of Switzerland’ has attracted 116 founding members to its inaugural meeting. It wants leashes banned for all but the most dangerous dogs, and to stop the breeding of dogs for their meat. (Well, I’ve decided never to eat Swiss steak again!)
FISHY STORY:
Edinburgh University researcher Callum Brown says fish need to be trained to survive in the wild. To that end, he recommends fish born in hatcheries should be shown — videos. If one fish per shoal is shown film of a predator making a kill, he claims, it would then instruct the others on how to react. (Well hell yeah, why do you think they call them ‘schools’?)
AMERICAN SNAPSHOTS:
• The average car in the USA is now 8-years-old, up from 6.5 years in 1990, says the “Chicago Tribune”. The number of vehicles that are 11-years or older has been growing steadily since 1992 and now entails more than 83 million out of the 213.3 million cars on the road.
• We’re living longer! The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta reports life expectancy in the USA reached a record 76.9 years in 2000, mainly because of medical advances in fighting disease.
THE BULL SHEET 10.15.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] Penny Marshall, Bronx NY, film director (“The Preacher’s Wife”, “A League of Their Own”)/former TV actress (“Laverne & Shirley”) NEXT FILM: Directs Drew Barrymore in the comedy “Riding in Cars with Boys”, opening this FRIDAY
1954 [47] Tanya Roberts, Bronx NY, TV actress (Midge Pinciotti-“That ’70s Show”, Julie Rogers-“Charlie’s Angels” [1980-81])
1959 [42] Emeril Lagasse, Fall River MA, TV chef born to a Portuguese mother and a French-Canadian father (“Essence of Emeril”, “Emeril Live”)/bad sitcom actor (“Emeril”)/restaurateur (owns restaurants in New Orleans, Las Vegas, Orlando) QUOTE: “Bam!”
1959 [42] Sarah Ferguson (“Fergie”), London ENG, Duchess of York/Prince Andrew’s ex-/Weight Watchers spokesperson/sometime newspaper columnist
1966 [35] Eric Benét, Milwaukee WI, R&B singer (“Spend My Life With You”)/movie actor (appears in the Mariah Carey vanity film “Glitter”)/main claim to fame is he married actress Halle Berry 1/24/01
1975 [26] Ginuwine (Elgin Lumpkin), Washington DC, R&B singer (“So Anxious”, “Pony”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Grouch Day,” a day to allow grouches everywhere time to spout off. (For the boss, just another day.)
TODAY is “World Poetry Day”, a good day to sample some ‘modern poetry’ by reading the inane lyrics to a hit song over a mushy violin background track. You can find dumb lyrics on CD liner notes or by clicking on to lyrics.com where you can search for lyrics to hundreds of tunes by artist (ignore the ‘user name’/’password’ log in — you don’t need to).
NET: http://www.lyrics.com
TODAY is “My Mom is a Student Day”, when kids are to show support for moms who’ve gone back to school by giving gifts of school supplies. (They should also ask mom at least 27 times if she’s finished her homework.)
TODAY is “National Train Your Brain Day,” a day to ‘clean out the cobwebs, blast through the barriers and click on the light bulbs’ because humans use only a small percentage of their brain power. Yeah, OK. Makes a good excuse to challenge listeners with some brain teasers anyway. There’s some on this kids’ site that are tough for even for big kids like us . . .
NET: http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/rd7.htm
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1949 [52] 1st appearance by Billy Graham as an evangelist (on the 40th anniversary of his career, October 15, 1989, he was honored with the 1,900th star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!)
1951 [50] 1st episode of “I Love Lucy” on CBS-TV
1953 [48] 1st televised ‘weather report’ (next day, 1st televised weather report is found to be wrong)
1968 [33] Rene Levesque is elected 1st leader of ‘Parti Quebecois’, dedicated to bringing about Québec’s independence
1981 [20] 1st ‘wave’ created in a sports stadium by professional cheerleader George Henderson, aka ‘Krazy George’, at Oakland Coliseum (is the ‘wave’ passe these days?)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1989 [12] Edmonton Oiler Wayne Gretzky scores his 1,851st point, surpassing his childhood hero Gordie Howe as NHL’s ‘greatest scorer’
1991 [10] ‘Tallest sand castle’ recorded (19.5 ft)
1993 [08] ‘Largest cookie’ measures 1,001 sq ft and includes 3 million chocolate chips (Arcadia CA)
1997 [04] British Royal Air Force pilot Andy Green drives a jet-powered car in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert faster than the speed of sound (a 2-way average speed of 763.035 mph or Mach 1.02) shattering the ‘world land-speed record’ (1st land-based vehicle to break sound barrier)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Bosses Day
[Wed] Gaudy Day
[Thurs] No Beard Day
[Fri] Evaluate Your Life Day
Getting the World to Beat a Path to Your Door Week
Family Sexuality Education Month (ask your teen about exciting new positions)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What 5-letter word does every Harvard graduate pronounce wrong?
A: W-R-O-N-G.
Q: Out of every 10 men, how many sleep in the nude?
A: According to a recent poll, 1 in every 10 men hit the hay naked. (Which is fine — we just wish they wouldn’t do it at the bus station.)
Q: You just experienced a ‘sternutatory reflex’. What happened to you?
A: No need to worry, you just sneezed!
BS TAG LINE: Things are so different over there. In Afghanistan, if you commit adultery you can be stoned. Here, we get stoned then commit adultery.
