Friday, October 12, 2001        Edition: #2152

THE ONLY ON-SCREEN THINGS THAT WILL MAKE A MAN PUT DOWN THE TV REMOTE:
• A car upside down in midair.
• A football wide receiver upside down in midair.
• A female voice behind a door saying, “I’ll be right out.”
• A guy with his leg practically stuck in the mouth of a bass.
• Naked women.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” improv comic Colin Mochrie replaces the departed Rick Mercer on CBC-TV’s “This Hour Has 22 Minutes” for the show’s season premiere (some 75 comedians reportedly tried out for the gig) . . . LAST NIGHT’S long-ago-scheduled episode of CBS-TV’s new drama “The Agency” was titled “A Slight Case Of Anthrax”, dealing with an outbreak of the deadly virus (creepy, huh?) . . . The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences now says the twice-canceled “Emmy Awards” show WILL go on, probably NEXT MONTH and possibly at a military base or hotel ballroom without an audience . . . “Newsweek” reports the anthrax spores that infected the “National Enquirer” building in Florida may have arrived in a ‘weird love letter to Jennifer Lopez’ that contained a ‘soapy, powdery substance’ . . . As part of her penalty for multiple drunk driving convictions, former “Charmed” and “90210″ star Shannon Doherty has been sentenced to 5 days of picking up garbage and pulling weeds . . . “Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker has been voted ‘Most Fashionable Woman on TV’ for the 2nd year in-a-row by “Women’s Wear Daily” (narrowly beating out “Drew Carey Show’s” ‘Mimi’) . . . And “Friends” star Matthew Perry has reportedly consulted with a top Hollywood plastic surgeon about having some liposuction and ‘neck-sculpting’ done because he’s embarrassed about his double chin and can’t stand looking porky on-screen.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
“SNL’s” Chris Kattan stars in the comedy “Corky Romano”, about the loser son of a Mafia honcho (Peter Falk) who goes undercover for the FBI . . . Bruce Willis & Billy Bob Thornton play a pair of bank robbers who both fall in love with the girl they’ve kidnapped in the crime comedy “Bandits” . . . David Lynch won ‘Best Director’ at Cannes 2001 for the gritty mystery “Mulholland Drive”, featuring a no-name cast and a plot that would take a half-hour to explain.

THE AGONY OF DA FEET:
A “Health” magazine study says up to 90% of women wear shoes that are too small and 75% of foot surgery performed on women is due to poor-fitting footwear. (Fashion tip — you just can’t beat the comfort of good ol’ gum boots.)

NICE BUNS:
First came the ‘Wonderbra’, now DuPont Lycra is introducing the ‘Wonderbum’ – a new type of hosiery that ‘lifts, separates and shapes’ the butt, producing a ‘peachy, pert bottom’. The uplifting new ‘technology’ won’t reach stores until the end of NEXT YEAR. (Wow, what a breakthrough — we used to call them girdles.)

ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT:
TODAY a Panama City FL judge is scheduled to announce a decision on whether waitress Jodee Berry can sue Hooters for misrepresenting a contest prize. When she won the bar’s beer-selling contest, she thought she was getting a ‘Toyota’. Instead, she was awarded an action figure of a “Star Wars” character — a ‘toy Yoda’.

SPEAKING OF DOLLS:
Mattel is reportedly coming out with a new ‘Barbie’ doll for Christmas that opens her eyes when ‘Ken’ kisses her. (By ‘opens her eyes’, they mean she realizes he’s gay.)

P-U:
44% of men, but just 22% of women claim they would tell a co-worker they have a body odor problem, according to a survey in “Men’s Health” magazine. (And men are so subtle — “By the way Bob, you stink!”)

P-U TOO:
It sounds gross but, according to “Glamour” mag, the best way to cure bad breath is to turn a spoon upside down and scrape the back of your tongue. (I keep my scrapings in a Glad bag . . . here, look!)

DIPSTICK:
Scientists in Britain have invented a swizzle stick that detects so-called ‘date-rape’ drugs in drinks, then changes color when it finds them. (Now if they could just develop one that detects jerks, women worldwide would be truly happy.)

QUICKIES:
• The California Highway Patrol has received over a dozen phone calls from people who report they’ve sighted Osama bin Laden. (Yeah right, surfing off Malibu.)
• Pharmaceutical giant Bristol-Myers Squibb tops “Working Mother Magazine’s” just-released 16th annual list of employers that are the ‘100 Best Companies for Working Mothers’. (Maybe because employees get free kids’ cold remedies, pain killers, anti-depressants . . .)
• Speaking of which, Zoloft has now overtaken Prozac as the top selling anti-depressant drug. So Elizabeth Wurtzel’s best-selling book, “Prozac Nation”, is now out-of-date. (Actually it depends on your gender. For women, the best-selling anti-depressant is chocolate.)
• 24-year-old Norwegian driver Murat Cakir faces a year in jail after police caught him driving without a license THIS WEEK — for the 146th time! (Somewhere in Norway, there’s a judge that needs his head examined.)
• “LA Times” reports that American men younger than 65 are nearly twice as likely as women
to suffer some degree of hearing loss. (Just ask Rush Limbaugh. Turn your headphones down!)

THE BULL SHEET 10.12.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [66] Luciano Pavarotti, Modena ITA, big opera singer (“The Three Tenors”) now on trial in Italy for tax evasion

1965 [36] Chris Chandler, Everett WA, NFL QB (Atlanta Falcons)

1968 [33] Hugh Jackman, Sydney AUS, movie actor (Logan/Wolverine in “X-men” and the upcoming “X-men 2″, “Swordfish”)

1969 [32] Martie Seidel (Martha Elenor Erwin), York PA, country singer/fiddle player (Dixie Chicks-“Fly”, “Wide Open Spaces”)/married Gareth Maguire 8/10/01  NOTE: She appeared in McDonald’s ‘McRib’ commercials, but because she’s a vegetarian she’d spit the meat out after each shoot

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [60] Paul Simon, Newark NJ, pop singer/songwriter (“Graceland”)/Mr Edie Brickell

1959 [42] Marie Osmond, Ogden UT, pseudo-country singer (“Paper Roses”)/sometime TV personality

1962 [39] Jerry Rice, Starkville MS, NFL wide receiver (Oakland Raiders, ex-San Francisco 49er)

1962 [39] Kelly Preston, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“For Love of the Game”, “Jerry McGuire”)/Mrs John Travolta since 1991

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Moment of Frustration Scream Day” when we’re all encouraged to go outside at 12 noon and bellow for 30 seconds to vent our frustrations.

TODAY in Mexico and throughout Latin America is “Dia de la Raza” (Day of the Race), celebrating all Hispanics.

SUNDAY is “Be Bald and Be Free Day”, a day to be ‘shiny and proud’. Who’s the best-looking bald celeb? Homer Simpson?

SUNDAY is “National Dessert Day”, held annually to promote the pleasures of sweet stuff. What’s the most decadent delight you’ve ever finished off a meal with?

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 US Navy destroyer ‘USS Cole’ is victim of terrorist explosion while refueling, killing 17 crew members (now attributed to Osama bin Laden)

ALSO ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [09] Calgary’s Brett “The Hitman” Hart beats Ric Flair for WWF title

1993 [08] Toronto Blue Jays win 2nd straight American League pennant, vs Chicago White Sox

1999 [02] According to UN estimates, the world’s population reaches 6 billion

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1823 [178] 1st ‘raincoats’ as Charles Macintosh of Scotland begins selling ‘Macs’ (next day, 1st ‘flasher’ is arrested)

1872 [129] 1st game for Montréal Foot Ball Club (an exciting 0-0 tie vs Québec City)

1901 [100] US “Executive Mansion” renamed “The White House”

1934 [67] 1st ‘cheeseburger’ (Kaelin’s Tavern-Louisville KY)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1927 [74] Hermann Gorner of Germany lifts 24 men weighing 4,123 pounds on a plank — with the soles of his feet

1972 [29] Pamela Ness of Kansas City MO belly dances for record 27 hours

1991 [10] BC Lions QB Doug Flutie breaks Warren Moon’s CFL record for yards passing in a season after 582-yard performance vs Edmonton

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Bosses Day (aren’t they all?)
[Wed] Gaudy Day (finally my wardrobe fits right in!)
[Thurs] No Beard Day (not big in Afghanistan)
[Fri] Evaluate Your Life Day (only takes a minute)
American Beer Week (aka ‘Pony Piss Week’)
National Newspaper Week
National Seafood Month
Crime Prevention Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which of your five senses is most erotic?” (In a sensuality poll most men selected ‘sight’, while most women said the biggest turn-on is ‘touch’.)

BS QUICK PICKS:
Q: Who was the #1 Hollywood movie star from 1935-1938 — Clark Gable, Rin Tin Tin, or Shirley Temple?
A: Child actress Shirley Temple.

Q: Who normally lays a larger egg — an old hen or a young hen?
A: Practise makes perfect! An old hen lays larger eggs.

Q: Which country has the most area devoted to national parks — the USA, Australia or Canada?
A: Those countries are the top 3, in order.

BS TAG LINE:
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.