Wednesday, October 3, 2001 Edition: #2145
He who tells you how great he is usually isn’t.
THE ABSOLUTE WORST BS JOBS:
• ‘Metamucil’ Strength Tester
• Photographer for ‘Miss Nude Octogenarian Pageant’
• ‘Depends’ Maximum Load Tester
• Live Organ Donor
• Leech Farmer
• National Museum of Bodily Fluids Curator
• Radioactive Waste Collector
• Human Sacrifice
• Crash Test Dummy
• Shell Gasoline Taster
• Door-to-Door Ice Cube Salesman
• Fudge Packer
• Toronto Maple Leafs Victory Parade Organizer
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
For TONIGHT’S season premiere of “The West Wing”, creator Aaron Sorkin has written a special episode called “Isaac and Ishmael” focusing on terrorism, making it one of the few shows to confront recent events instead of avoiding them (the episode begins with Martin Sheen and fellow cast members directly addressing viewers) . . . Janet Jackson has shelved the European leg of her current “All For You” tour over terrorist attack fears . . . Word is the ‘the world’s most eligible bachelor’ George Clooney and “Bridget Jones’s Diary” ‘singleton’ Renee Zellweger have secretly been an item for more than a month, with SHE practically moved in with HE at his Hollywood Hills home (has to be an improvement over his previous bedmate — his potbellied pig ‘Max’) . . . J-Lo’s Valentino wedding dress cost $50,000 (20 grand for the ‘train’, 30 grand for the ‘caboose’) . . . Sharon Stone’s hospital stay due to a brain aneurysm isn’t expected to harm her acting career, because she’s not currently working on any projects . . . The upcoming Eminem pseudo-biofilm, so far known as “The Untitled Detroit Project”, will be directed by Curtis Hanson who is reportedly trying to recruit Kim Basinger to play ‘Slim Shady’s’ mother (huh?) . . . The 8th-season premiere of “Friends”, which revealed that ‘Rachel’ is the one who’s pregnant, drew the show’s largest audience in over 5 years, with nearly 32 million tuning in . . . And Dr Dre is writing a hip hop rap expressing anger and outrage at Osama bin Laden (this oughta be good, something along the lines of — “His name is Osam, He be a mad man, Dreamin’ up evil plans, From Afghanistan, He messin’ the Koran, Yo I ain’t bin Laden 4 or 5 days . . .”).
NATURAL GAS:
Environmentalists are lobbying to replace gasoline with what’s called ‘bio-mass fuel’ – fuel made from wood byproducts and manure. (Well, I guess we wouldn’t have to worry about people siphoning it — or sniffing it!)
WHAT WOMEN WANT:
According to a “Cosmopolitan” magazine poll, almost a third of women are turned on by a man’s — feet. (We’re guessing it’s a size check rather than lust for bunions and toe jam.)
CHAT ROOM AA:
There is now a 12-step program for people addicted to Internet chat rooms. (“My name is Craig and I’m a 14-year-old lesbian. . .”)
GONE IN TEN SECONDS:
International cop organization Interpol says there’s been a worldwide surge in car theft, with 1 vehicle now being stolen every 10 seconds. (Please, take mine!)
THE KEY TO MARRIAGE:
According to psychologist Dr Benjamin Karney, the key to a successful marriage may not be good communication or honesty but rather — self-delusion. Karney says his study of hundreds of married couples suggests that satisfied couples tend to remember the past as being worse than it really was, which makes their present seem much better. In fact, many who said their marriages were growing better actually showed evidence things were getting worse.
IS MEN’S SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING NEXT?
The International Olympic Committee has approved women’s wrestling as a sport for the 2004 Olympics. (The women will be wrestling in two divisions – Jell-O and mud.)
NO MORE NEEDLES?
Scientists are in the final stages of developing spray-on medicines that could replace needles and pills within the next few years. (The public health department will be giving heroin addicts free atomizers.)
THE BULL SHEET 10.03.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [42] Greg Proops, Phoenix AZ, improv comedian (the guy with the glasses -“Whose Line Is It Anyway?”)
1962 [39] Tommy Lee (Bass), Athens GRE, ex-Mr Pam Anderson/ex-Mr Heather Locklear/ex-con/ex-rock drummer (Motley Crue-Girls Girls Girls) NOTE: His mother was Miss Greece 1957
1966 [35] Darrin Fletcher, Elmhurst IL, MLB catcher (Toronto Blue Jays)
1969 [32] Gwen Stefani, Orange County CA, rock singer (w/Eve-“Let Me Blow Ya Mind”, w/Moby-“South Side”, No Doubt-“Don’t Speak”)
1969 [32] Janel Moloney, Woodland Hills CA, TV actress (‘Donna Moss’, aide to Deputy Chief of Staff ‘Josh Lyman’-“The West Wing”)
1971 [30] Kevin Richardson, Lexington KY, pop singer (oldest member of Backstreet Boys-“One”, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely”)/you’d think by now he could afford TWO eyebrows!
1973 [28] Neve Campbell (Neve [nehv], her mother’s maiden name, is an Italian word meaning ‘snow’), Guelph ON, movie actress (“Scream I-III”, “Wild Things”)/joined National Ballet School of Canada at age 9 NOTE: Her on and off relationship with actor John Cusack is said to be on again NEXT FILM: The comedy “Investigating Sex”, due later this year
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS WEEKEND “Pumpkinfest”, the international pumpkin weigh-off competition, invades Port Elgin ON, site of world record-breaking veggies. Last year’s prize punkin’ weighed in at 962 lbs!
PHONER: 800-387-3456/519-389-3714
NET: http://www.sunsets.com/portelgin/pumpkinfest/
FRIDAY-October 13th the world’s 2nd-largest Oktoberfest (after Munich), the 33rd annual “Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest” will draw over 700,000 to suck back suds and sausages in more than 20 ‘Festhallen’. It also features the greatest “Thanksgiving Day Parade” in Canada.
PHONER: 888-294-HANS
NET: http://www.oktoberfest.ca
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Justin Trudeau delivers memorable eulogy at father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s funeral in Montréal’s Notre-Dame Basilica QUOTE: “He has kept his promises and earned his sleep.”
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1955 [46] 1st edition of Walt Disney’s “Mickey Mouse Club” on TV (“MMC” alumni include Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, “Felicity’s” Keri Russell and ‘N Sync’s Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [14] France’s Michel Pruffer becomes ‘fastest skier’ by clocking 135.26 mph at Portillo, Chile
1988 [13] World’s ‘largest cocktail’ concocted – a 327-gallon pina colada
1997 [04] Japan’s Maglev bullet train breaks world train speed record at 280.3 mph
1997 [04] 69-year-old Hockey Hall of Famer Gordie Howe skates with Detroit Vipers in their International Hockey League opener, becoming only hockey pro to compete in 6 decades
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Golf Day
[Sun] Primetime Emmy Awards
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
School Bus Safety Week (to keep your driver from nodding off, always sing “99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall” over and over and . . .)
National Temp Help Week
Youth Against Tobacco Month
Spectacle of the Geese Month (something to do with poop in public parks?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORROR MOVIE RULES:
• When it appears that you’ve killed the monster, never EVER check to see if it’s really dead.
• Do NOT search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
• Never walk backwards in a horror movie. The killer will always appear behind you.
• When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone!
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once.
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice — more if you are female.
• On no account should you do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
• Never say you will be right back — because you won’t be!
• If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers.
• Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you’ll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
• Always ask why the old mansion is being sold so cheap.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What country has the most cell phones?
A: China, which now has 120.6 million users, compared with 120.1 million in the USA. The number of Chinese users is expected to surpass 200 million by NEXT YEAR. One reason – many of the previously technology-starved Chinese leapfrogged from no phone directly to cell phone.
(Source: “Bloomberg News”)
BS TAG LINE:
How do you explain these so-called ‘freedom fighters’? If you live there, men have to have a beard, you can’t laugh in public, there’s no TV, there’s no radio, women have no rights. What freedom are they fighting for?
