WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• The family of Dick Clark have chosen to cremate the beloved TV mogul’s remains and scatter his ashes on the Pacific Ocean in lieu of a traditional funeral service. The veteran broadcaster passed away last Wednesday at age 82 after suffering a massive heart attack. A slew of celebs have expressed interest in paying tribute but will not get the chance at a memorial service as the family will pay its respects in a private, low-key way. (Maybe already has.)
– ETonline.com
• In what’s become an annual tradition, 5 more screen stars have shed their duds for “Allure” magazine’s annual ‘Naked Truth’ issue, hitting newsstands Tuesday. The 2012 edition features  “Extra” host Maria Menounos (“Dancing With the Stars”); Debra Messing (“Smash”); Leslie Bibb (“GCB”); Taraji P Henson (“Person of Interest”); and Morena Baccarin (“Homeland”), posing in sizzling black-and-white photos for the magazine. (Empowering for these women or just embarrassing?)
– StarPulse.com
• Kevin Federline’s aunt, Diane Story, has written an erotic novel ‘inspired’ by the former dancer’s ill-fated marriage to Britney Spears. “Pop Baby Krissy Doucet” centers around the inventively named character ‘Keenan Fazio’ and his relationship with a famous pop star. To encourage readers to snap up the page-turner, a lucky winner of her online contest will become the proud owner of ‘One Britney Spears & Kevin Federline Wedding Invitation’. (How exciting! 2nd prize is two of them.)
– RadarOnline.com
• Reality TV star Kim Kardashian & rapper Kanye West aren’t even trying to hide it any more. The lovebirds were out in NYC on Saturday, and bystanders say they seemed to be having the time of their lives, constantly smiling and laughing. Kanye even bought his new love an ice cream cone. Kim is in the Big Apple with her family as they continue launching their Kardashian Kollection line at Sears stores. (We give this relationship 1 month. Wanna join the pool?)
– TheSun.co.uk
• For the first time, the “Coachella Music Festival” was split into 2 separate weekends this year, with the same set-list for both. That apparently didn’t stop actress Emma Roberts, who was photographed at the fest a week ago with boyfriend Chord Overstreet, from re-joining the festivities one more time this past weekend. (The Tupac ‘hologram’ was likely a little less surprising the 2nd time around, but then former music mogul Suge Knight is now saying Shakur isn’t dead. Maybe it was the real deal?!?!)
– PerezHilton.com
• And British online sex-toy retailer LoveHoney.co.uk is marking Queen Elizabeth II’s upcoming ‘Diamond Jubilee’ this June with a unique product … ‘Her Majazzle Diamante Jubilee Crown Jewels’ crystal tattoo kit. It’s inspired by the craze (?) for ‘vajazzaling’, most notably made famous by actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. (This is great for women celebrating the royal occasion, but guys will just be left polishing the ol’ scepter.)
– ContactMusic.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – The celebs return to the stage for dance #6.
• “Hart of Dixie” (CW) – Country singer Scotty McCreery (last year’s “American Idol” winner) makes a guest appearance, playing himself and performing his single “The Trouble With Girls”.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – The Hives (“Lex Hives”, out June 5th).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Band of Skulls (“Sweet Sour”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – fun (“Some Nights”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated) – “American Idol” cast-off Colton Dixon.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Train (“California 37”).
• “The View” (ABC) – Vince Gill (“Guitar Slinger”).
• “The Voice” (NBC) – Vocalists compete in hope of advancing; Adam Levine and Cee Lo Green perform with their teams.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Adele – She’s nominated in an amazing 18 categories for the 2012 “Billboard Music Awards”, to be handed out in Las Vegas on Sunday, May 20th on ABC-TV.
• Bee Gees – Ailing Robin Gibb has astounded doctors by awakening from his coma after being unconscious for over a week. His wife Dwina and others by his bedside have been trying to revive him through music. His brother Barry, for instance, has been singing to him. (It’s untrue Robin woke up screaming, “Stop that high-pitched caterwauling!”)
• Drake – The 25-year-old  tells “NME” magazine he lives by the saying ‘it’s never all good’. However, he points out, he’s not the depressed, emotional guy that people try to paint him to be.
• fun – Their hit single “We Are Young” has just been certified platinum by the RIAA for surpassing 1 million downloads.
• Jennifer Hudson – Today testimony is scheduled to begin in the trial of the man accused of killing her mother, brother, and nephew in 2008. William Balfour is facing charges of 1st-degree murder, aggravated kidnaping, and home invasion.
• Justin Bieber – It’s been 4 months since we’ve heard anything about Mariah Yeater’s claim he fathered her baby. She dropped her lawsuit last December in favor of pursuing the claim privately, attorney-to-attorney. But Biebs himself brought it back up Saturday with a surprising tweet suggesting they’d never met and she’d never win. (Hey kid, you lucked in … shhhh!)
• Mumford & Sons – Marcus Mumford wed actress Carey Mulligan (“Drive”) in a converted barn in Somerset, England on Saturday. Guests included actors Colin Firth, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Sienna Miller; as well as Mumford’s bandmates who played at the reception.
• Taylor Swift – She reportedly wants to portray singing legend Joni Mitchell in a planned movie adaption of Sheila Weller’s book “Girls Like Us”, which also looks at the lives of Carly Simon and Carole King. According to GossipCop.com, the film project is yet to receive a greenlight.
• Ted Nugent – The 63-year-old rocker has been axed from a June 23rd concert at Fort Knox, Kentucky after meeting with Secret Service agents over recent comments he made. At an NRA convention, Nugent said he’d be ‘dead or in jail’ if president Obama is re-elected, adding: “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November.” (Harmless ranting, let the geezer-rocker play!)

ANIMAL APP:
If you’re hoping to catch a glimpse of wolves, grizzly bears, and bison in Wyoming’s Yellowstone National Park, the best place to be on the lookout just might be … a smartphone. New apps enable users to pinpoint exactly where they’ve recently spotted critters, so others who drive to these locations can – in theory – improve their odds of seeing wildlife. Recently a website called ‘Yellowstone Wildlife’ began offering locations of wildlife spottings; and an app called ‘Where’s a Bear’ is now promising ‘up-to-the-second’ animal sightings in the park. (Unfortunately, grizzlies also carry smartphones and use an app called ‘Where’s Lunch?’)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

CRASS CONCERT CONDUCT:
Some of the annoying people/things you run into at a live concert …
✗ The superfan that sings the lyrics to every song at the top of their lungs … off-key.
✗ The couple that asks you to put your joint out. Hey folks, read the marquis … it’s the Statler Brothers.
✗ The couple that insists everyone in the 98 rows in front of them sit down.
✗ Anyone yelling “Freebird!” at the band. Unless, of course, it’s us … then it’s hysterical.
✗ Any venue that stops selling beer after 3 songs.
– Adapted from TheToiletPaper.com

FOR THE RECORD:
In the suburbs of Tokyo, Japan lives 29-year-old Kenichi Ito, the ‘World’s Fastest Man on Four Legs’. For nearly a decade, he’s been perfecting a running style based on the wiry Patas monkey of Africa. He walks around his neighborhood on hands and feet, wearing gloves and cleated shoes; he’s turned household chores into challenges on all-fours. He even squats like a monkey while talking. Perhaps his greatest feat is running 100 meters on all-fours in just under 20 seconds, a Guinness World Record. (We’ll look for you in the Kentucky Derby, dude.)
– Reuters.com

BS AMAZING HUMAN FACTS:
• Fingernails grow about 4 times faster than toenails.
• Humans blink over 10 million times a year.
• It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
– GreatFacts.com

BS CHRONOMETER 04.23.12

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [58] Michael Moore, Flint MI, documentary filmmaker (“Fahrenheit 9/11”, 2003 Oscar-“Bowling For Columbine”)

1961 [51] George Lopez, Mission Hills CA, former TV host (“Lopez Tonight” 2009-11)/standup comedian (“America’s Mexican”)/TV actor (“George Lopez” 2002-07)/movie actor (“Swing Vote”, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”)

1967 [45] Melina Kanakaredes, Akron OH, TV actress (‘Detective Stella Bonasera on “CSI: NY” since 2004)

1974 [38] Carlos D (Dengler), Queens NY, rock musician (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1977 [35] John Cena, West Newbury MA, pro wrestler (19 WWE championships)/sometime movie actor (“Legendary”, “12 Rounds”)

1977 [35] Kal Penn (Modi), Montclair NJ, movie actor (“Harold & Kumar” films)/former TV actor (“House MD”)/former White House aide (Associate Director of the Office Of Public Liaison)

1983 [29] Taio Cruz, London UK, pop/hip-hop singer-songwriter (“Dynamite”, “Break Your Heart”)

1990 [22] Dev Patel, Harrow UK, movie actor (“Slumdog Millionaire”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Spring Cat Cleaning Day”, a day to give your cat a bath. Be careful!

• “Talk Like Shakespeare Day”, observed on the anniversary of the bard’s birth (and death). Forsooth, ‘tis a pity methinks, if no one deigns to giveth it a shot.

• “World Book & Copyright Day”, declared annually by UNESCO to promote reading and books on the death anniversary of both William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes in 1616.

• “World Laboratory Day”, celebrating the place where great discoveries, inventions, and medical cures are born. (Its also where mad scientists dwell.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1896 [116] 1st ‘Motion Picture’ shown to the general public (a Vitascope system is used to project a film onto a screen in a demonstration at Koster & Bials Music Hall in NYC)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1988 [24] After spending a record total of 741 consecutive weeks (over 14 years) on the ‘Billboard 200’, Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side Of the Moon” album finally exits the chart

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1964 [48] 1st MLB no-hitter pitched for a loss (Cincinnati Reds beat Astros’ pitcher Ken Johnson 1-0 on 2 costly Houston errors)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1969 [43] John Sinclair completes record walk of 215 miles in 48 hours … non-stop!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Teach Your Children to Save Day
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day
[Wed] Hairstylists Appreciation Day
[Wed] Plumbers Day
[Wed] Red Hat Society Day
[Wed] World Penguin Day
[Wed] International Guide Dogs Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Administrative Professionals Week / Canada-US Goodwill Week / Crime Victims Rights Week / Money Smart Week / Oral, Head, and Neck Cancer Awareness Week / Playground Safety Week / Preservation Week / Safe Kids Week / Sky Awareness Week / Week Of the Young Child

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
SHAKESPEARE’S BEST PICK-UP LINES:
✓ “Do me, or not do me. That is the question.”
✓ “But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?”
✓ “Romeo and Gertrude is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, m’lady.”
✓ “Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knowest what I mean.”
✓ “Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”
✓ “Et tu, Cutie?”
✓ “Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”
✓ “Greetings to you, fair sailor!”
– First published in “BS” 1997.
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
If you are ‘lentiginous’, which do you have?
a. Dandruff.
b. Freckles. [CORRECT]
c. Love handles.
– HaLife.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ Is ‘Administrative Professionals Day’ (formerly ‘Secretaries Day’) demeaning? If they were fairly paid and treated with respect, would there be need to set aside a token day for them?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Going to hell when I die would just be redundant.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: In a recent poll on our most memorable smells, coffee was most-often mentioned, followed by THIS.
Answer: Vicks VapoRub.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.

BS FRESH MEAT:
Donald Miller @ 93.7 The Ticket [WKAD] Tunkhannock PA; Captain Mark Roberts @ 102.1 Spud FM [CJRW] Summerside PEI; Daniel Da Rosa @ Urbana 106.9 Asuncion, Paraguay; Johnny Mason @ Real Classic Rock KCMQ, Columbia MO; Rich Allen @ Real Country W105 [KWMW] Ruidoso NM; Ken Jones @ Country 93.3 [CJOK] Fort McMurray AB; Angus Cole @ Classic Rock 103.3 [WGLX] Wisconsin Rapids WI; and David Syer @ Classic Hits 5AU, Port Augusta SA, Australia.