Thursday, September 16, 2004        Edition: #2867
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Jennifer Lopez returns to NBC-TV’s “Will & Grace” in the season premiere, again appearing as herself and continuing the story line from last season’s finalé in which she agreed to sing at ‘Karen’s’ wedding . . . TONIGHT the 9th edition of “Survivor” debuts, pitting 9 men vs 9 women in the South Pacific island nation of “Vanuatu, Islands of Fire” . . . Actress Kim Basinger says she got over her ugly divorce from Alec Baldwin by putting on a pair of gloves and going crazy – on a punching bag . . . There’s a new heavy metal band in Iraq called Acrassicauda (‘Black Scorpion’ in Latin) which learned their English from Megadeth and Metallica CDs . . . Actress Renée Zellweger is said to be plotting a secret Christmas holiday wedding to  rocker Jack White at her Hollywood home . . . And because you really need to know, actor Nicholas Cage says he wants to die by – being eaten by a shark (maybe try for a role in “Basic Instinct 2″?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• George Michael – He tells “GQ” magazine he became so depressed after his mother died in 1997 that he thought about committing suicide. He says only his relationship with boyfriend Kenny Goss stopped him from going through with it.
• Missy Elliot – Her concert tour rider reportedly includes a request for Dr Seuss books, specifically “Green Eggs and Ham” and “If I Ran A Circus”, which she takes with her afterward.
• Justin Timberlake – His likeness and actual golf swing are being used for a character called  ‘The Hustler’ in the new “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005″ video game. Instead of a regular golf ball, Justin’s character uses an 8-ball and has some celebratory moves the pros could never hope to copy – or want to.
• Nelly – He’s currently acting alongside Adam Sandler & Chris Rock in the upcoming comedy “The Longest Yard” (opening next MAY), and is keen to add to his acting CV. In fact, he says he wants to become the next Will Smith.

FUTURE FLICKS:
A test screening of the upcoming sequel “Ocean’s 12″ didn’t go so well, many saying Julia Roberts looks ill onscreen and a scene where she shows up as ‘Julia Roberts the Movie Star’, intended as a joke, falls completely flat . . . Actor Harrison Ford is said to be involved in the hush-hush new film from “Titanic” director James Cameron which, according to rumors will be a sci-fi extravaganza – shot in 3-D . . .The 1976 Little League baseball comedy “Bad News Bears” is coming back to the bigscreen with Billy Bob Thornton in the role of the team manager, originally played by the late Walter Matthau . . . 21-year-old Anne Hathaway (the wholesome star of the “Princess Diaries” pics) will next appear in “Havoc”, in which her character appears naked, takes drugs and has nasty sex with gang members (but she claims it all only last about 7 seconds) . . . “Little Black Book” star Ron Livingston is in talks to star in “Relative Strangers”, a guy-searching-for-his-strange-biological-parents flick . . . Penelope Cruz has joined the cast of psychological thriller “Chromophobia”, where her impenetrable accent will hopefully be obscured by lots of screaming and the British cast.

PEEING AWAY A FORTUNE:
Dyna-Tek Industries of Lenexa KS specializes in making ‘Surine’ which is – synthetic urine. Who the heck would want it? The laboratory industry. In fact, one of the main customers is the Centers for Disease Control. It seems researchers must regularly calibrate the equipment used to test real urine samples. Using the real stuff causes problems – it has to be frozen when shipped, decays rapidly when not refrigerated and, as we all know, it schtinks! Synthetic urine eliminates all these problems. (And you thought making money on fake body fluids ended with rubber vomit!)
– AP

MAYFLOWER NATION:
Statistics show that 1 in every 5 households moves in any given year. The average person moves 11 times in a lifetime. But maybe we’re getting sick of it — employers are reporting an increasing resistance to out-of-town transfers. In fact, many of us are now turning down promotions in order to stay put!
– Population Reference Bureau

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 75% of overweight employees say they’ve heard derogatory remarks made about them by co-workers.
• 51% of college students admit to drinking until they pass out – at least once a month.
• 50% of us think ‘hugging and kissing’ is the best way to tell someone you love them.
• 48% of men say the best way to impress a girl at a baseball game is to catch a fly ball without spilling your beer.
• 40% of us say we keep toilet paper in our vehicle at all times – just in case
• 6% of men say they’ve dumped a woman because she was too fat.

MOST STRESSFUL JOBS:
1. Inner-City High School Teacher 
2. Police Officer 
3. Miner 
4. Air Traffic Controller 
5. Medical Intern 
– “Thrive”

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• Cuban rancher Raul Hernandez has cows that look like any other breed – except they’re no bigger than dogs. Standing 28 inches tall or less, the ‘mini-cows’ can be kept in a small area but still deliver up to 5 liters (5.3 quarts) of milk. He started with a tiny bull on his Santa Isabel Farm, 125 miles west of Havana. After breeding it with several generations of the smallest cows he could find, he now has a herd that reaches no higher than his waist.
• Debt collectors in India are using transvestite eunuchs to frighten borrowers into paying up. Known as ‘hijiras’, they approach debtors in public places and threaten to raise their saris, exposing themselves. (People would pay extra to watch this in [local seedy area]).
• A 13-year-old female chimp at the Zhengzhou Zoo in China has slipped into depression after her much older mate became unable to meet her sexual needs. Zookeepers tried to find a younger partner but ‘Feili’ has rejected all suitors. Instead, she’s taken up smoking, bumming cigarettes off zoo visitors. And if she doesn’t get what she wants – she spits on people. (Speaking of mother-in-laws …)
• A Mexican couple has been arrested and charged with engaging in a lewd act in public after being caught doing the nasty – in a glass-walled ATM booth. (Hmm, deposit or withdrawal?)

THE BULL SHEET 09.16.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [80] Lauren Bacall (Betty Joan Perske), NYC, screen legend (“Key Largo”)/Humphrey Bogart’s widow  UP NEXT: Co-stars with Nicole Kidman in the mystery “Birth”, opening NOVEMBER 5.

1925 [79] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)  QUOTE: “About 15 times a lady has said ‘It’s either me or Lucille (his guitar).’ That’s why I’ve had 15 children by 15 women.”

1956 [48] David Copperfield (Kotkin), Metuchen NJ, illusionist

1956 [48] Mickey Rourke, Schenectady NY, movie actor (“Man on Fire“, “Nine 1/2 Weeks”)

1963 [41] Richard Marx, Chicago IL, pop singer (“When You’re Gone”, “Right Here Waiting For You”)

1964 [40] Molly Shannon, Shakers Heights OH, movie actress (“Shallow Hal”, “Never Been Kissed”)/former TV comic (“SNL” 1995-2001)

1969 [35] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“I Need to Know”)/sometime movie actor (“Man on Fire”)/Mr J-Lo since JUNE 5, 2004

1981 [23] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, TV actress (‘Rory Gilmore’ on “Gilmore Girls” since 2000)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Women’s Friendship Day”, encouraging more interaction and communication between females in the hope of developing lasting friendships.

TODAY is “Collect Rocks Day”, either a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting or a salute to the many marital adventures of J-Lo.

TODAY is “National Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

TODAY is “International Day for Preservation of the Ozone Layer”, as declared by the UN. (To celebrate this momentous event, turn your face to where the ozone layer USED TO BE and damn yourself for using aerosol cans all those years!)

THIS WEEK is “Prostate Cancer Awareness Week.” An estimated 1 in 8 Canadian men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer. (So if you see a guy touching himself this week don’t be alarmed – he’s just becoming ‘aware’.)

THIS WEEK is “Build a Better Image Week”, dedicated to evaluating your current image, at home and in the workplace, and taking the necessary actions to improve it. A better self-image projects self-confidence.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1979 [25] 1st ‘rap record’ released (Sugar Hill Gang-“Rapper’s Delight”)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1908 [96] Flint MI businessman William Crapo Durant founds ‘General Motors’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [10] World record 3,960-lb burrito is made in Montebello CA, measuring 3,055-feet-long (after it’s consumed another record is set – quickest evacuation of a restaurant)

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] “Mr 3000″, “Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow” and “Wimbledon” open in movie theaters
[Sat] National Play-Doh Day
[Sat] Farm Aid 2004 (Auburn WA)
[Sun] 56th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Sun] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Mon] International Student Day
This Week Is . . . Full Employment Week
This Month Is . . . Organic Harvest Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR APARTMENT NEEDS CLEANING:
• When you walk across the kitchen floor, unidentified sticky stuff rips the shoes off your feet.
• You have to throw your whole weight at the door to get inside.
• The rats are writing nasty letters to the Board of Health.
• You can’t find the remote … or the TV that went with it.
• The stack of newspapers you were going to take to the recycling bin has fallen over, crushing your roommate.

WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN WHEN SHE’S 22 …
• Handsome.
• Financially successful.
• A caring listener.
• An imaginative, romantic lover.
WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN WHEN SHE’S 42 …
• Not too ugly.
• Works steady.
• Doesn’t nod off while she’s emoting.
• Shaves on weekends.

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• The world’s largest democracy …
a. USA
b. India [CORRECT. It has a population just over 1 billion.]
c. Turkmenistan

• The company that invented the microwave oven …
a. General Electric
b. Raytheon [CORRECT. In 1947, though it didn’t become a household appliance until the ‘70s.]
c. Mattel

• The only fish that can blink with both eyes simultaneously …
a. The Goldfish.
b. The Shark. [CORRECT]
c. The Winkfish.

• The country that produces the most wine …
a. Italy [CORRECT]
b. France
c. Zimbabwe

BS PHONE STARTER:
Who’s your all-time most-hated TV character?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the #1 thing girls do at a slumber party.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Play ‘Truth or Dare’.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Common sense, unfortunately, isn’t.