Thursday, September 02, 2004        Edition: #2858
Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Jennifer Lopez has dumped her longtime makeup man Scott Barnes after he reportedly leaked information to the media that only her inner circle would know about – false info, fed to him as a test (oops!) . . . CBS-TV is developing a sitcom based on the life of fiery college basketball coach Bobby Knight (a comedy about an idiot who yells and throws chairs – ha ha) . . . A ‘Star Wars Academy’ has opened in Bucharest, Romania where sci-fi fans can learn to dress, wield a light saber & speak like Jedi masters (get a Romanian life!) . . . Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Scarlett Johansson are among the celebs at THIS WEEK’S “Venice International Film Festival” as well as Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman – on separate days . . . Actor David Arquette claims he had every copy of “Playboy” magazine from the past 16 years but his wife Courteney Cox made him throw them away because he has to ‘be a grown-up now’ . . . Australian band Regurgitator is on constant display 24/7 in a glass dome for the next 3 weeks while they record their new album, the only privacy being a bathroom (sort of like Britney Spears’ life).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Diana Anaid – The Australian “Last Thing” singer has been writing songs since she was 9-years-old.
• Joss Stone – He’ll record the title tune “Alfie” for the upcoming movie remake starring Jude Law, with Mick Jagger providing backing vocals. A version by Cher was reportedly dumped when test audiences laughed at it.
•  Dido – TODAY she’s on daytime TV talk show “On Air With Ryan Seacrest”.
• Britney Spears – Word is plans for her tp perform at the Republican National Convention THIS WEEK were nixed by none other than George W Bush himself. The reason? She’s too raunchy.
• Andy Griggs – The “She Thinks She Still Needs Me” singer says a female fan once handed him a toilet seat to sign – a used toilet seat with no other autographs. After he signed it, she said she was going to reinstall it.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Filming in Berlin on the new sci-fi film “Aeon Flux” has been suspended while star Charlize Theron recovers from unspecified injuries suffered while performing her own stunts (she broke a nail!) . . . Word has it the new ‘Man of Steel’ in the long-delayed new “Superman” movie will be none other than Jim Caviezel, star of “The Passion of the Christ” (another film about superpowers) . . . British actress Helen Mirren (“Calendar Girls”) will presumably keep her clothes on for her next role, playing Queen Elizabeth II in an as-yet-unnamed movie about the aftermath of Princess Diana’s 1997 death . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini will play Ernest Hemingway in an untitled film about the legendary author’s love affair with war correspondent Martha Gellhorn . . . A prequel is being developed to 1987’s “The Untouchables”, the film that won a ‘Best Supporting Actor’ Oscar for Sean Connery . . . Former “Friends” star David Schwimmer is set to direct the indie pic “Run Fat Boy, Run” about an overweight guy who tries to win back his ex-girlfriend by running in the NYC Marathon . . . Former “Friends” actress Courteney Cox & “King Of Queens” star Kevin James will headline the animated feature “The Barnyard” – playing cows.

MUSICAL BRANDS:
Brand names of products are increasingly finding their way into hip-hop and pop songs. San Francisco marketing firm Agenda Inc calculates that 59 different brand names have been used a total of 645 times in songs that made “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Top 20′ so far THIS YEAR. The top mentioned brand is Hennessy cognac, mentioned 47 times, just ahead of Cadillac with 44 mentions. (Odds are the most played brand name is still “shake it like a Polaroid picture …”)
– “Newsday”

BEST BOTTOM:
1. Carmen Electra
2. Kylie Minogue
3. Beyoncé Knowles
– New “FHM” magazine survey.

WORLD’S FIRST PLASTIC MAGNET:
Scientists at the University of Durham in the UK have created the world’s first ‘plastic magnet’ to work at room temperature. (And the practical application would be? Maybe boob implants that REALLY attract?)
– “New Scientist”

DINNER SOUNDS:
Heston Blumenthal, owner and head chef of the Fat Duck restaurant in Berkshire UK, claims that hearing has become the forgotten sense in eating. “If you bite into an apple or a carrot you want to hear the crunch,” he says. That’s why he’s developed a sound system with headphones and microphone for his customers, which will pick up every chomp and slurp. Blumenthal also thinks it might be interesting to hear the sounds of other people eating. (You wanna hear slopping eating? Come on over for Thanksgiving dinner.)
– “Times of London”

PREZ SELLS DRUGS:
TONIGHT while President Bush delivers his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, he’ll inadvertently be helping US customers of a Canadian online drugstore. Orders placed at UniversalDrugStore.com during the address will get an additional 25% discount.  Pharmacy owner Jeff Uhl says he’ll also donate a meal to Meals on Wheels with each order placed because it’s unfair for Americans, especially seniors, to have to choose between meals and meds. (It’s also a helluva chance to make lots more moohla!)
– “NY Post”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 75% of raisons are consumed in the morning.
• 62% of teens try to avoid using highschool washrooms because they stink.
• 50% of all birthday gifts are never used.
• 25% of men admit to being angry while driving.
• 20% of British men say they’ve made a homemade porn film.
• 14% of Americans have done the nasty while at work.

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average length of the school year in the USA is 180 days, while in Canada it’s 186 and in England, 192. But in Japan, students are stuck in the classroom an average of 243 days!

AND WE QUOTE:
 “I’m not responsible.” – Usher when Page Six reporter Tom Sykes asked him about a crew member found dead on his yacht a day before his big “MTV Video Music Awards” party onboard.

THE BULL SHEET 09.02.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [61] Glen Sather, High River AB, NY Rangers President-General Manager since 2000/former Edmonton Oilers GM/coach (4 Stanley Cups)

1948 [56] Terry Bradshaw, Shreveport LA, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/Hall of Fame NFL QB (Pittsburgh Steelers 1970-1983)

1951 [53] Mark Harmon, Burbank CA, TV actor (‘Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs’ on “Navy NCIS” since 2003)/movie actor (“Freaky Friday”)

1964 [40] Keanu Reeves, Beirut LEB [grew up in Toronto], movie actor (“The Matrix” trilogy, “Speed”)

1966 [38] Salma Hayek, Coatzacoalcos MEX, movie actress (“Frida”, “Once Upon a Time in Mexico”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the “35th Anniversary of the Internet”. On September 2, 1969 UCLA professor Len Kleinrock and graduate students Stephen Crocker & Vinton Cerf linked 2 bulky computers using a 15-foot cable, testing a new way for exchanging data over networks that would ultimately become the Internet. By January of 1970, 3 other ‘nodes’ joined the fledgling network.

THIS WEEKEND is the 31st annual “World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-off” in Brady TX. 125 teams will try to get your goat tasting best. What’s the proper wine to serve?
PHONER: 325.597.3491 (Brady Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.bradytx.com/calendar4/index.html

THIS WEEKEND the “World Champion Frog Jumping Contest” hops to it in Rayne LA at the 32nd annual “Frog Festival”. The long-standing record is just under 21-and-a-half feet by ‘Rosie the Ribiter’ in 1986.
PHONER: 337.334.2332 (Debbie Foreman)
NET: http://www.rayne.org/frog_fest.html

SUNDAY is the 26th annual “Great Klondike International Outhouse Race” in Dawson City YT, a crazy dash though downtown streets involving decorated outhouses on wheels pulled by costumed runners. If you don’t happen to own one, that’s okay – they’ll rent you one!
PHONER: 877.465.3006/867.993.5575 (Wendy Burns, Klondike Visitors Association)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1995 [09] Grand opening of Cleveland’s “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” features 7-hour concert featuring Bruce Springsteen, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, Martha & the Vandellas, John Mellencamp and oodles more

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
490 BC [2494] 1st ‘marathon’ as Phidippides runs 26 miles from Marathon to Sparta (seeking a men’s room)

1912 [92] 1st ‘Calgary Stampede’

1964 [40] Norman Manley scores 2 holes-in-one consecutively at Del Valley CA, the 1st recorded ‘double albatross’ (or ‘double ace’) in golf

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] Skyscraper Day
[Sat] Newspaper Carriers Day
[Sun] Be Late For Something Day
[Sun] Working Mother’s Day
[Mon] Labor Day (NO BS SERVICE)
[Mon-Sept 12] 100th Canadian Open Golf Championship (Oakville ON)
This Week Is . . . International Enthusiasm Week
This Month Is . . . Children’s Good Manners Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
SEPTEMBER is officially “Self-Improvement Month”, a good excuse to review the …
LEAST POPULAR BS SELF-IMPROVEMENT BOOKS:
• “Ego Gratification Through Violence”
• “Moulding Your Child’s Behaviour Through Guilt & Fear”
• “Self-Actualization through Macrame”
• “The Underachiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities”
• “Gambling Your Way to Prosperity”
• “Guilt Without Sex”

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why can’t we spell ‘creativity’ however we want?
• What’s the street value of a street?
• What does ‘new and improved’ say about the old product?
• Does wild rice have to be hunted?
• On pet food, just what flavor is ‘original’?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn’t it #1?
• Do fish get cramps after eating?

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• The city of Atlanta is searching for a new slogan. Suggestions, anyone?
• What’s the wackiest wine name you’ve come across? (There are currently wines on the market named ‘Bad Dog’, ‘Little Penguin’, ‘Thirsty Lizard’, and ‘Fat Bastard’.)

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – The world loves a winner! Too bad for you.
• Taurus –  Be thankful for all your abilities. Not everyone can type with their nose hair.
• Gemini – Your parents refuse to buy you any school supplies. Don’t feel bad, most parents of 35-year-old basement dwellers do the same.
• Cancer – Not a good week for you. Buried alive, eaten by a shark, decapitated with a sword. Pick 2.
• Leo – We know laundry day is long overdue but it’s still not appropriate to only wear Post-its to the laundromat.
• Virgo – You’ll be reminded of the legend of ‘Icarus’ as your masterpiece ‘Self-Portrait in Earwax’ sits on the windowsill a bit too long.
• Libra – It might be harder to explain your ‘My Wife’s a Bitch’ T-shirt than you first assumed.
• Scorpio – Good news is you’ll receive first prize for ‘Best Costume’ at this weekend’s sci-fi convention. Bad news is you dress that way every day.
• Sagittarius –  Being a vegetarian has become a lot harder since you’ve actually given up meat.
• Capricorn – The bad news is you ARE going blind. The good news is it’s caused by your 14″ computer monitor, not what you’re doing while looking at it.
• Aquarius – Until science figures out what that red mark on your forehead is, you better not pick at it.
• Pisces – You will find the need to upgrade you memory after receiving a severe blow to the head.

BS ‘CRASH & BURN’ CONTEST:
A long-running contest where callers pick who they think the next celebrity will be to ‘Crash and Burn’ – go into rehab, get charged with DUI, get arrested, or die. After you get a 100 or so guesses (with names & phone numbers) in your data bank, monitor the news for the first celebrity to run into trouble (shouldn’t take more than a week or so). Whoever guessed correctly wins your prize. Maintain the data bank and continue to award prizes as long as you want. To help you out, the ‘Celebrity Death Beeper’ Website will automatically e-mail you each time a star kicks the bucket.
NET: http://celebritydeathbeeper.com

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Seen the new ad with Jim Belushi? He says “I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV”.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Studies show that men who have more of THIS are usually more intelligent.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Chest hair.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Hockey has more to offer than other religions.