Monday, September 29, 2003 Edition: #2632
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!
WEIRDEST HEADLINES OF THE WEEK:
• “Bin Laden Hiding Out in Alaska!”
• “Amelia Earhart’s Barf Bag Found in South Pacific!”
• “George Washington Wore Wooden Pants!”
• “Carving of George W Bush Found in Egyptian Temple!”
• “Alien Backs Arnold for Governor!”
• “Vengeful Frogs Eat French Chef’s Legs!”
• “The Incredible Predictions of Nostra-dumb-ass!” (now there’s a potential on-going bit!)
Source: “Weekly World News”
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Here’s an interesting side effect of modern technology – UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that guests at a Britney Spears bash thrown by “Rolling Stone” magazine in NYC had to adhere to a strict ‘no cameras/no cellphones’ rule. Why no phones? Celebs don’t want candid pics snapped by those newfangled camera-phones when they aren’t looking.
• “PeopleNews” says the video for Britney Spears’ upcoming single “Me Against The Music” will be directed by Guy Ritchie and feature his wife Madonna as the leather-clad matriarch of a nightclub who lures innocent, scantily-clad Britney into a private room filled with other scantily-clad young women on leashes.
• TODAY Madonna is scheduled to do a book-signing gig in NYC for her new kid’s book, “The English Roses”, but “Daily Dish” says she’s being extremely difficult and has imposed strict rules – all books are ‘pre-signed’ and will simply be handed out to fans, and there’ll be absolutely NO cameras allowed – thereby avoiding any posing for pics with impertinent little children.
• “NY Daily News” reports that 50 Cent has shelled out $4.1 million for Mike Tyson’s 61-room estate in Farmington, Connecticut. The house is touted as the largest in Connecticut and features 18 bedrooms, 38 bathrooms, 4 whirlpools, 7 kitchens, a 3,500-square-foot disco, indoor pool, waterfall and boathouse. 50 Cent got quite a bargain, considering cash-strapped Iron Mike’s initial asking price was a staggering $25 million!
• “News of the World” claims it managed to secure a urine sample from magician David Blaine who continues his scheduled 44-day stunt suspended above the Thames in London. So is he in fact surviving only on water or somehow cheating? The tab reports hospital tests on the sample show a combination of low salt and a high level of ketones – the main signs of starvation.
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Lisa Marie Presley is plagued by a mystery illness. Seems she began suffering severe nausea and vomiting during her summer concert tour promoting her debut album and doctors still don’t know exactly what’s making her sick. Could it be the singing?
• According to “Express”, actor Mark Wahlberg keeps the prosthetic penis he wore in the movie “Boogie Nights” in a safe in his house saying, “It’s my most prized possession. You never know when it’s going to come in handy. If things don’t work out, I could always auction it to the highest bidder.”
IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER:
Nearly 60% of us describe our own physical appearance as ‘average’. 31% say they are ‘above-average’ and 5% claim to be ‘handsome’ or ‘beautiful’. (Guess 4% are just ‘butt ugly’.)
LAUNDRY LESSONS:
A recent survey in Germany found that women do the laundry in 80% of households. That’s why a Munich department store has teamed up with an appliance manufacturer to offer – beginner’s courses on how to use a washing machine. Included are instructions on how to separate whites and colors, and where to put fabric softener. (Ask listeners for laundry horror stories. We’re betting they don’t just apply to men.)
THE LICK OF LOVE:
According to rat research at McGill University in Montréal, when mother rats lick their babies, the babies’ brains create a gene that helps soothe the body during stressful situations. The study suggests that genes can be permanently changed by how mothers and infants interact, causing long-term effects on animal behavior. Whether kissing or cuddling among humans would be the equivalent remains to be seen. (“I hate my brother. Mommy always licked him best.”)
BRAIN STRAIN:
Performing ordinary tasks in an unusual manner is a way to ‘cross-train your brain’ and keep mentally sharp, according to the book “Keep Your Brain Alive”. For instance, try wearing mittens while you drive, sniffing vanilla in the morning, or eating meals with the wrong hand. They are all said to improve your memory. (And cause people to mock you mercilessly.)
THE GAMES WE LOATH:
Here’s a new ranking of ‘Most Hated Sports’ based on a poll conducted by Sports Marketing Group –
10. ATP Men’s Tennis Tour
9. Major League Soccer
8. NASCAR Auto Racing
7. LPGA Women’s Golf Tour
6. PGA Seniors’ Champions Tour
5. PGA Golf Tour
4. Pro Boxing
3. Bullfighting
2. Pro Wrestling
1. Dogfighting
(What’s missing here – Bowling? Slamball? International darts?)
BS BODY FACTS:
• You lose around 11 ounces while you sleep.
• The average person flexes finger joints 25 million times during their lifetime.
• Fingernails grow faster on the hand you favor (ie: if you’re right-handed, your right fingernails grow faster) and the middle fingernail grows faster than all other nails.
AND WE QUOTE:
• “When I saw how hers compared to mine, I knew I needed a change. You know she’s got to be getting the best bikini wax there is” – Liz Phair in “Spin” after seeing Paris Hilton’s privates on the Internet.
• “I’m not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is” – Actress Gina Gershon in “Maxim” magazine.
THE BULL SHEET 09.29.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [68] Jerry Lee Lewis (“Killer”), Ferriday LA, oldies rock ‘n roll singer (“Great Balls of Fire”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)/Hollywood Walk of Fame (1989) FACTOID: He’s cancelled an appearance at a fan-based 68th birthday party organized by his 6th ex-wife, who’s also president of his fan club.
1964 [39] Tom Sizemore, Detroit MI, movie actor (“Black Hawk Down”, “Saving Private Ryan”) who faces up to 4 years in prison at his OCTOBER 2nd sentencing following conviction for assaulting & harassing ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss
1970 [33] Danielle Spencer, AUS, movie & TV actress (“Home & Away”)/singer (“White Monkey”)/Mrs Russell Crowe since APRIL 2003/expecting 1st child JANUARY 2004.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT CTV begins airing Ashton Kutcher’s hit MTV hidden-camera series “Punk’d” in prime time.
THIS MONTH is “Baby Safety Month”, a reminder to ‘baby-proof’ your home by checking car seats and cabinet latches, discarding old medications and sharp-edged toys, tying up the cords of mini-blinds and drapes, and making sure sleepwear is flame retardant.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1963 [40] Rolling Stones 1st concert tour, as opening act for Bo Diddley & the Everly Brothers
1999 [04 ] Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker” becomes her 14th #1 single on “Billboard” ‘Hot 100′, a feat surpassed only by the Beatles (20) and Elvis Presley (18)
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 Toronto Blue Jays ‘World Series’ tickets go on sale
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1793 [210] The term ‘tennis’ is 1st mentioned in an English sporting magazine
1930 [73] 1st Canadian football game played under lights (Hamilton vs UBC)
1950 [53] 1st ‘telephone answering machine’ (Bell Labs)
1987 [16] Compaq introduces its leading edge ‘laptop computer’, using an Intel 386 processor, weighing 20 lbs, and costing $10,000
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2002 [01] San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds breaks MLB record for ‘walks in a season’ (198 walks, 68 intentional)
2002 [01] Oakland Raider Jerry Rice surpasses Walter Payton to becomes NFL’s all-time leader in ‘yards from scrimmage’ (21,280 and still counting)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Mud Pack Day
[Wed] World Vegetarian Day
[Thurs] World Farm Animal Day
[Sat] National Denim Day
[Sat] “Queer For The Straight Guy” debuts on Bravo Canada
This Week Is . . . Pickled Pepper Week
This Month Is . . . National Honey Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Quit worrying about your hair! It’s your gawdawful body odor that makes people look at you like that.
• Taurus – Today you will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
• Gemini – It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse … just without the fun.
• Cancer – You are about to scare several people out of their socks! Even worse, it will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
• Leo – Oh the excitement! Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
• Virgo – Pinch your pennies today. Tomorrow fondle your nickels.
• Libra – Someone to whom you owe money is likely to beat the crap out of you today. The worst part is … your mother will send a ‘Thank You’ card to the guy who did it.
• Scorpio – Good day to impress someone in authority. While it may seem just the ticket at first, it’s probably best to avoid a concert of arm-pit noise.
• Sagittarius – Today tell everyone what you REALLY think of them. Sure you may lose your job, family and friends, but think how cleansed you’ll feel!
• Capricorn – Today a blunt remark will get you into trouble. So watch your mouth, butthead!
• Aquarius – You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving zucchini today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.
• Pisces – You will never amount to anything. Most Pisces people are living on welfare. By the way, have a nice day!
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Does the ‘reverse side’ also have a reverse side?
• When an agnostic dies, does he go to the ‘great perhaps’?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why do scientists call it ‘REsearch’ when they’re looking for something new?
• People beginning work with a new company are usually on probation for the first 3 months. Why can’t we do that with politicians?
YOUR BIG BREAK:
For an upcoming edition of the FOX-TV special “Outrageous Behavior”, they’re looking for videotape from outrageous, weird or wacky radio promotions and contests. Got something on tape from a wild station stunt? Give ‘em a call (but hold out for big bucks)!
PHONE: 323-468-4784 (David Lizama, Hollywood CA)
E-MAIL: dlizama@nashentertainment.com
BS ANIMALIA:
• A group of these animals is called a ‘sleuth’. [Bears.]
• This sea creature’s babies are called ‘elvers’. [Eels.]
• What do you call a group of geese? [A group of geese on the ground is a ‘gaggle’, but a group of geese in the air is a ‘skein’.]
• This animal is used by police to find dead bodies in lakes, ponds and swamps. [The snapping turtle, which eats carrion.]
• What do you call a female ferret? [The female ferret is referred to as a `jill’.]
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
A man is blindfolded, then someone hangs up his hat. Revolver in hand, the man walks 100 paces, turns around and shoots a bullet directly through his hat. How is this possible? (The hat is hung over the end of his gun.)
PHONE STARTER:
“What physical feature do you notice first when you look at a guy?” (A poll of women finds the following – face 56%, chest 21%, eyes 12%, buns 8%, and legs 3%.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
Don’t you hate it when the weather is this nice? There’s nothing to complain about.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: New research shows that women have bigger ones than men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hangovers.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
