Friday, September 19, 2003 Edition: #2626
More From the Sheethouse!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW is the “2003 Miss America Pageant” on ABC-TV, aggravating before but now with the added annoying feature of Tom Bergeron as host (“Hollywood Squares”, “America’s Funniest Home Videos”) . . . TOMORROW another flash mob is planned on beleaguered magician David Blaine as he continues to hang over the Thames in London, this time a group is planning to pelt him with hot peppers (what did this guy ever do to deserve such wrath?) . . . The relationship between R&B singer Usher & TLC’s Chilli is apparently on again, the pair spotted getting cosy during NYC’s “Fashion Week” . . . Former “Law & Order” actor and Julia Roberts boytoy Benjamin Bratt has been signed up to play Halle Berry’s love interest in the soon-to-shoot movie “Catwoman” . . . “Playboy’s” deal to feature supermodel Heidi Klum in her first-ever naked pics has fallen apart, not because she didn’t like the $1-million offer but because she demanded the cover photo be in B&W – a magazine marketing no-no . . . According to “Us Weekly”, Ben Affleck called off his wedding with J-Lo after a phone conversation with his mom, who reportedly warned her son he’d be confining himself to a life of isolation (actually the opposite – a life surrounded by hundreds of reporters).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Underworld” (Horror Fantasy): It’s “Romeo & Juliet” with plasma-sucking monsters. Kate Beckinsale plays a vampire vixen, Scott Speedman a hunky werewolf from an enemy family. Will the bloodshed cease, or is it true that love sucks? (Beckinsale demanded her breasts be
‘enhanced’ on posters for the film, then asked that they be reduced when artists went overboard. She says the final pic is still ‘a bit generous’.)
• “Cold Creek Manor” (Thriller): A couple (Dennis Quaid & Sharon Stone) moves their family into a dilapidated house in the country that was once a grand estate, but now may be haunted by the original owners who were brutally murdered.
• “The Fighting Temptations” (Comedy): Cuba Gooding Jr plays a smooth NYC ad executive who must organize a successful gospel choir in his Alabama hometown in order to collect an inheritance, a task made easier when he comes across a sultry jazz singer (Beyoncé Knowles).
• “Anything Else” (Romantic Comedy): Woody Allen’s latest stars Jason Biggs & Christina Ricci in the story of a struggling comedy writer with a troubled relationship. Allen plays the paranoid mentor who tries to dole out romantic advice.
• “Secondhand Lions” (Limited Release): A coming-of-age story about a shy, young teen (Haley Joel Osment) sent by his irresponsible mother to spend the summer with his wealthy, eccentric uncles in Texas (Michael Caine & Robert Duvall).
55TH PRIMETIME EMMY AWARDS:
• SUNDAY on FOX-TV from the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles.
• It’s a ‘no-host’ ceremony but 11 comedians will be featured in various ways, including Bernie Mac, Dennis Miller, Ellen DeGeneres, Brad Garrett, George Lopez, Conan O’Brien, Garry Shandling, Darrell Hammond, Martin Short, Jon Stewart & Wanda Sykes.
• There are now 91 TV award categories. “Six Feet Under” leads all nominations with 16, including ‘Best Drama’. “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “Sex & the City” lead comedy series nominations with 13 apiece.
• Current and past producers & correspondents from CBS-TV’s “60 Minutes” will receive the “2003 Lifetime Achievement Award”.
THE MOMENT OF EXASPERATION:
According to researchers at the UK’s Exeter University, couples should only shop together for a total of 72 minutes. After that, they risk getting into an argument. The study shows that’s the average time at which men reach their breaking point. Interestingly, women shopping together can last a further 28 minutes on average. (Get out! More like 28 hours.)
SHOP SO YOU DON’T DROP:
Leading brain researchers Guy McKhann and Marilyn Albert claim one reason women tend to live longer than men may be – they shop more! They contend that shopping combines 3 elements that allow the brain to function better – staying physically active, challenging the brain, and maintaining a positive self-image. (Cripes, my wife’s immortal!)
HIGHWAY FROM HELL:
An annual ranking by the Canadian Taxpayers Federation has named Saskatchewan’s Highway 47 the worst in the country. Stretching from the US border past Yorkton, #47 was selected because it’s surface varies from pot-holed pavement to deep gravel. The Trans-Canada Highway, which topped the 2001 list, picked up another dishonorable mention, along with Highway 8 north of Gimli MB, Highway 108 in New Brunswick, Quebec’s Highway 198, Highway 3 in the NWT and BC’s Highway 97. (How about a local ‘Rotten Road’ contest?)
EDUCATIONAL FUN:
THIS WEEK a new gross-out game aimed at 5 to 11-year-olds hits the market. “Creepy Freaks” features a plastic game board with miniature figures for trading and a DVD full of stories about the characters. Oh, and the characters – there’s ‘Frosty the Snotman’ who attacks with snotty sneezes, ‘Headley’ who flings brains, ‘Spitty Cat’ who tosses what’s in the kitter litter, and ‘Swirly’ who resembles a toilet. ‘Silent But Deadly’, on the other hand, attacks with stealthy odor emissions. (We don’t need rude characters in our home – we already have a family.)
DADDY-LONG-DONG:
Scientists have discovered fossils of the world’s oldest genitals in ancient rocks in Scotland. “New Scientist” reports they belong to 400 million-year-old harvestmen insects, commonly called ‘daddy-long-legs’. One fossilized penis was two-thirds the length of the bug’s body and remarkably similar to the modern-day species, proving little has changed over the last half-billion years – at least for daddy-long-legs. (… oh excuse me, I was just trying to picture a four-foot … oh never mind.)
WHAT SIZE IS YOUR HELMET?
Condomania is marketing a new line of “They-Fit Condoms” because, the company contends, in their line of work one size definitely does NOT fit all. But there’s one hitch – before ordering, you’ll need to download their ‘Fit Kit’ to measure the Johnson in question. The 55 sizes range in length & girth from ‘J-33′ to a whopping ‘G-22′ (short for Glad Bag, 22-cubic foot).
NET: http://www.condomania.com
I CAN’T HELP IT HONEY, IT’S HEREDITARY:
A Bradley University psychology study of 16,000 men around-the-world finds that men everywhere – whether single, married or gay – want more sexual partners than women do. It’s the largest and most comprehensive test yet conducted on whether the sexes differ in the desire for sexual variety. But the idea that male promiscuity is hardwired and therefore ‘normal’ has drawn criticism from several sources. (Mainly the researchers’ wives.)
HOW TO BE COOL IN DA HOOD:
Several Websites are now selling stickers that look like bullet holes that can be stuck on a car’s body and/or windows. Word is they look so real that you’ll think twice before getting close enough to determine whether it’s a real bullet hole or a fake. (For some real fun, stick ‘em on your forehead with some ketchup.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Here’s something to look forward to. We are most likely to sleep in on SUNDAY. We average 8.7 hours Sundays, about 1 hour more than any other day. (Unless you have kids.)
• Canada’s southernmost point, Pelee Island in Lake Erie, lies south of the northern boundaries of 26 of the USA’s 50 states. Many Americans can actually ‘go south to Canada’.
THE BULL SHEET 09.19.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [79] Don Harron, Toronto ON, TV actor (‘Charlie Farquharson’)/playwright (“Anne of Green Gables”)
1940 [63] Sylvia (Fricker) Tyson, Chatham ON, folk/country singer (Ian & Sylvia-“Four Strong Winds”)/songwriter (“You Were On My Mind”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1992)/CCMA Hall of Fame (2003)
1951 [52] Daniel Lanois, Gatineau QC, music producer (U2, Peter Gabriel)/singer-songwriter (“Sling Blade” soundtrack, “The Maker”)
1964 [39] Trisha Yearwood, Monticello GA, country singer (“Inside Out”, “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway”)/TV actress (Lt Cmdr Teresa Coulter-“JAG” since 1998)/Garth Brooks’ girlfriend
1974 [29] Jimmy Fallon, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“Saturday Night Live” since 1998, “Band of Brothers”)/movie actor (“Anything Else”, “Almost Famous”)
1984 [19] Kevin Zegers, St Mary’s ON, movie actor (“Air Bud 1-4″)/TV actor (“Titans“, “Traders”)
1948 [55] Jeremy Irons, Cowes ENG, movie actor (“Die Hard: With a Vengeance”, Academy Award-“Reversal of Fortune”)
1950 [53] Joan Lunden, Sacramento CA, TV personality (Biography”, “The Real Story”, “Behind Closed Doors with Joan Lunden”)
1959 [44] Carolyn McCormick, Midland TX, TV actress (Dr Elizabeth Olivet-“Law and Order”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [69] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Pozzuoli ITA, movie actress (“Grumpier Old Men”, Oscar-“Two Women”, 1991 Honorary Academy Award)
1979 [24] Rick Woolstenhulme, Gilbert AZ, rock drummer (Lifehouse-“Hanging By a Moment”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, as decided by someone somewhere with a lot of time on their hands. Sure sounds like a fun phone contest though!
TODAY is “Evaluate Your Life Day”. (Followed by ‘Drink Till You Forget What a Loser You Are Night’.)
TODAY a tradition ends at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon. The 19th annual “E Plant” will apparently be the last. That’s where engineering students kidnap an agricultural student who is then duct-taped to the top of a giant letter ‘E’. The engineers then ‘plant’ their victim in the middle of campus while hundreds of his classmates come to the rescue. Gee, what fun! So why’s it ending? The university says all student groups will lose their insurance coverage if the prank continues. (Party poopers!)
TOMORROW is “International Student Day”, honoring the ‘diligence and hard work’ of students everywhere. (Hah! You think you’ve got it tough? When I was your age, I had to crawl 6 miles to school through 10 feet of snow – uphill both ways!)
SUNDAY is “Miniature Golf Day”. The first mini-golf was the ‘Tom Thumb Golf Course’ built in 1929 in Chattanooga TN by John Garnet Carter. Nowadays there’s a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’ that holds the ‘PMGA Championship’ each year. (Try some golf-whisper play-by-play – “Oooooh, looks like he’s got a bad lie underneath the windmill …”)
NET: http://www.thePmga.com
SUNDAY is “World Gratitude Day”, ‘to unite all people in a positive emotion of gratitude, creating a world community.’ (Another observance from the ‘Association of the Hopelessly Optimistic’.)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1981 [22] Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel reunite for a free concert that attracts 500,000 to NYC’s Central Park
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1649 [354] 1st tavern in Canada opens in Québec City, featuring a powerful brew called ‘spruce beer’ (customers who drink too much are said to be ‘all spruced up’)
1893 [200] New Zealand becomes 1st country to give women the right to vote
1994 [09] 1st episode of “ER” on NBC-TV
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Hobbit Day
[Mon] National Centenarians Day
[Mon] Last Day of Summer
[Tues] Autumn begins
[Wed] Buy Nothing Day
[Thurs] Shania Twain world tour begins (Hamilton ON)
This Week Is . . . National Laundry Workers Week
This Month Is . . . National Courtesy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL OLD:
Most students entering college THIS FALL were born in 1985. Wisconsin’s Beloit College has just released its 6th annual “Mind-Set List” to help put that in perspective. For these students …
• ‘Bert & Ernie’ are old enough to be their parents.
• There has always been a screening test for AIDS.
• Stores have always had scanners at the checkout.
• Gas has always been unleaded.
• Datsuns have never been made.
• Computers have always fit in students’ backpacks.
• Test-tube babies are now having their own babies.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What would you do if you were TRYING to get fired?” (In BBC-TV’s new game show “The Sack Race”, two contestants take on new jobs in separate companies. Their goal is to bring chaos into the workplace in the most imaginative and entertaining way possible, with the aim of getting fired first. Management & co-workers have no idea they are being filmed.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
• Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 6 months.
• I need more confidence. I still worry that at any time the no-talent police may show up to arrest me.
• Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It gallops!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Every year, the FBI spends a half-million bucks on THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sunglasses.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
One person alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity nothing can beat teamwork.
