Monday, September 15, 2003 Edition: #2622
We’re Bullish on Radio!
WEIRDEST BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• ”Parrot to Become UN Interpreter!”
• “Giant Space Spiders Will Save The Earth!”
• “Flea Circus Attacks Owner!”
• “New Terrorist Nuke Fits In Mayo Jar!”
• “French Foreign Legion Quitting France!”
• “Satan Selling Back Souls to Avoid Bankruptcy!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TRASHY YET TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• “People” magazine is reporting that Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez have split up. The mag’s Website is quoting unidentified sources as saying Ben decided he wanted out of the relationship, but it’s not certain if the break-up will be permanent. (Maybe even HE got sick of hearing about himself!)
• TODAY Madonna is in Paris for the worldwide launch of her first children’s book, “The English Roses”, in 30-plus languages in 100 countries. “E! Online” notes it’s the widest simultaneous multi-language release in publishing history. (Unlike her previous book, this one doesn’t have photos of how to MAKE children.) Meantime, the 45-year-old, 2-time mommy tells Britain’s “Times” that she’s consulting doctors about having another baby. (She’s also consulting baby name Websites to see if there one more really weird and cruel name left.)
• According to “Examiner”, Yoko Ono will recreate one of her classic pieces of performance art TONIGHT. She’ll stage “Cut Piece” at Theatre le Ranelagh in Paris almost 40 years after she first performed it in Japan. She’ll stand on stage wearing a long white gown, and invite the audience to cut pieces from it and send the scrap of fabric to someone they love. (Yeah, just what you wanna see – a 70-year-old revealing more and more patches of wrinkly pale skin. What’s she do for an encore?)
• “NY Post” reports that Liv Tyler’s mom Bebe Buell is busy writing “The Book of Rock ‘n’ Roll Etiquette”, a follow-up to her kiss-and-tell memoir, “Rebel Heart: An American Rock ‘n’ Roll Journey”. Bebe, who claims to have bedded Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Jimmy Page, Rod Stewart (and most of the rest of the rock star phone book) says this will be a sort-of “behavioral Bible” for the entertainment industry, showing that you can have class in rock ‘n’ roll. (Well yes, and who better to write it?)
• “Daily Star” says Russell Crowe’s wife Danielle Spencer, who is pregnant with their first child, has ordered her hubby to turn down a whopping $24 million paycheck to appear in the movie “Midlife Crisis” – because he’d be co-starring with ex-girlfriend Meg Ryan. Speaking of whom – anyone who’s seen shots of 41-year-old Meg at the Toronto International Film Festival pushing her new film “In the Cut” won’t be surprised that “Daily Express” is reporting she’s cosmetically enhanced her lips – leaving her with a ‘trout pout’. (If she could turn her head and sing, she’d be worth mounting on your rec room wall!)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Cameron Diaz says she owes everything to her makeup bag and admits she has a very odd way of dealing with acne. And we quote: “When my skin’s bad, I even touch door handles with tissues.” (She also uses wet naps to scrub off that Justin stink.)
• Due to the death of her bass player Terome Hannon, “Daily Dish” says Jewel has been forced to cancel her tour that was scheduled to kick off this FRIDAY in Charleston SC. She now plans to perform in selected solo acoustic shows.
• Anyone with a magnifying glass will be able to spot Britney Spears’ tattoo etched over her hip in those almost-naked pics for “Rolling Stone”. “Star” magazine reports the Japanese lettering was supposed to represent ‘Mysterious’ but – thanks to a dyslexic tattoo artist – actually says ‘Strange’.
IS BALD BEAUTIFUL?
An Australian medical convention has heard that more and more women are suffering from hair loss problems dues to stress, pollution, the contraceptive pill and the use of sex hormones in food. Jennifer Martinick, president of the Australasian Society of Hair Restoration Surgery, says other factors contributing to female hair loss include anemia, thyroid problems, fever, childbirth and chronic malnutrition. (Also pulling skin-tight belly shirts on and off.)
“READER’S DIGEST” ALWAYS SAID IT WAS ‘THE BEST MEDICINE’:
Indian physician Dr Madan Kataria advocates 10 minutes a day of laughter to lighten the stress of daily living and contribute to overall health and well-being. He founded ‘Laughter Clubs International’, now in more than 300 locations worldwide. (So go ahead enjoy a titter … oh hell, spoil yourself with a full-blown guffaw!)
AN HONEST WOMAN:
According to research from the University of Maryland, data from dozens of countries reveals that women pay bribes less frequently and are less likely to condone corruption. The study also finds that societies with more women in the workforce and in government have lower levels of corruption. (“Sheila for PM, Sheila for PM!”)
NO WONDER YOU HAVE A BIG HEAD:
For the first time, researchers have calculated the power of a single brain in terms of memory capacity and discovered that it is greater than all the computers ever made. While the largest existing computer has a capacity in bytes of about 10 to the power of 12, the human brain has a colossal 10 followed by 8,432 zeroes, according to the scientists who made calculations for the journal “Brain & Mind”. (Of course, they’re talking capacity, not what’s in there.)
FOR THE RECORD:
YESTERDAY in Australia, 12 University of Sydney veterinary science students broke a “Guinness World Record” by washing 848 dogs in 8 hours. That eclipses the old dog-washing record of 715 pooches by a group from the Netherlands. (But even if they snort ammonia, they’re never, ever gonna be able to forget that wet dog smell.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Teams traveling from the West Coast to the East to play on “Monday Night Football” win more often. Why? The time zone change makes them feel like they’re playing at 6pm instead of 9pm ET.
• According to an Animal Hospital Association survey, 53% of pet owners think that their pets would come to their rescue if they were in distress. (Makes you wonder – can gerbils do CPR?)
AND WE QUOTE:
“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.” – R Kelly in “Blender” magazine’s OCTOBER issue.
THE BULL SHEET 09.15.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [57] Oliver Stone, NYC, movie director/screenwriter (3 Oscars-“Platoon”, “Born on the Fourth of July”, “Midnight Express”) COMING UP: Now shooting the historical epic “Alexander” starring Colin Farrell & Angelina Jolie in Morocco, due for release in 2004.
1946 [57] Tommy Lee Jones, San Saba TX, movie actor (“Men in Black 1-2”, Oscar-“The Fugitive”)
1961 [42] Dan Marino, Pittsburgh PA, NFL analyst (“The NFL Today” on CBS, “Inside the NFL”)/legendary former NFL QB (Miami Dolphins)
1984 [19] Prince Harry (Henry Charles Albert David Windsor of Wales), London UK, Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s #2 son who’s 3rd in line to the British throne (but 1st in line at a pub or party)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua] “Independence Day” (1821)
[UK] “Battle of Britain Day” (1940)
[USA] “Felt Hat Day” (tomorrow is “Felt Thigh Day”) / Hispanic Heritage Month (through Oct 15)
TODAY is “National School Psychology Day”, a day of recognition for the field of school psychology and its contribution to education. (“Alright Kenny, we CAN talk about your aptitude test results, but you have to do a favor for me first – put the gun down.”)
TONIGHT David Bowie hypes the release of his new album “Reality” by broadcasting his recent intimate concert at London’s Riverside Studios via satellite to movie theaters across Canada, the US, and Brazil. It’s already been shown in European theaters and today’s showings will bring the total to 86 theaters in 22 countries.
NET: http://www.famousplayers.com
THURSDAY-Sunday the 21st annual “Testicle Festival” mows down in Clinton, Montana when more than 4 tons of ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters’ will be served up alongside cowboy beans in a gourmet spread. All we can say is – those poor, poor bulls. There’s a lot of higher-pitched mooing in Montana lately. The event’s motto is – “Have a Ball at the Testicle Festival!”.
PHONER: 406.825.4868 (Rock Creek Lodge)
NET: http://www.testyfesty.com
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993 [10] A 13-year-old boy files a lawsuit against Michael Jackson, alleging sexual abuse and
seduction (later settled out-of-court for an unknown sum)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1971 [32] 12 members of Vancouver’s ‘Don’t Make a Wave Committee’ found the environmental organization ‘Greenpeace’
1982 [21] 1st edition of “USA Today” newspaper (nicknamed ‘News McNuggets’) features lead story of Princess Grace dying in auto accident
1983 [20] Former Montréal roommates Chris Haney & Scott Abbott launch the phenomenally successful board game “Trivial Pursuit” (they’ve since sold out to Hasbro)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1992 [11] Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers set NFL record as neither team punts ball through an entire game
1996 [07] Toronto Blue Jays break MLB record for ‘most hit batsmen in a season’ as John Olerud becomes the 81st (previous record by 1911 Washington Senators)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] Johnny Cash funeral
[Tues] “Canadian Idol” finale
[Tues] National Working Parents Day
[Tues] Women’s Friendship Day
[Thurs] “Survivor: Pearl Island” debuts
[Sat] International Student Day
[Sun] 55th Primetime Emmy Awards
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Balance Awareness Week (oops … crash!)
National Housekeepers Week (give your household staff a day off)
Civic Participation Week
Build a Better Image Week
Fall Hat Week
Mind Mapping For Project Management Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
HOW TO IDENTIFY THE DRIVER:
• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn – Toronto.
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window – Montréal.
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone – Vancouver.
• Two hands frozen to wheel, “I hate Edmonton” bumper sticker on rear – Calgary.
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 40 kph in the fast lane with left blinker stuck on – Victoria.
HOW TO IDENTIFY THE DRIVER . . .
• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn – Chicago.
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window – NYC.
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone – LA.
• Pickup truck, shotgun in rear window, beer cans on floor, cousin/spouse in passenger seat – Little Rock.
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 40 in the fast lane with left blinker stuck on – Miami.
4 WORDS THAT MEAN TROUBLE:
Here’s a few primers, then ask listeners to call in more –
• Yoko will sing now.
• What’s this button do?
• I could be communicable.
• This doesn’t taste right.
• Hey, that’s no violin!
• Here comes the principal!
• No he’s not hibernating.
• Do you smell that?
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: Here’s some ancient history – how many channels are there on the ‘VHF’ TV dial?
A: 12 (there’s no channel 1).
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Do Gary Beals & Ryan Malcolm really deserve to be the ‘Canadian Idol’ finalists?”
• ”What’s the absolute worst CD (or tape) that you still carry around in your car?”
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Wow, the coffee this morning is terrible! At least, the piece I had was.
• It’s just as well Jen n’ Ben cancelled their wedding – she’s been married so many times she has bouquet elbow.
• In general, children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
• My family puts the ‘fun’ back in dysFUNctional.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to half of teenagers surveyed, THIS would embarrass them the most on a first date.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bad breath.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to our newest BS subscriber, Mike Sinclair @ WWCK Flint MI, and this week’s samplers that include Karen Lee @ KCBS-FM Los Angeles, DJ Jonathan @ FM 100 Karachi, Pakistan, The Radio One School of Broadcasting in LaCrosse WI, and Barry Simon @ CHBW Rocky Mountain House AB.
