Wednesday, September 25, 2002        Edition: #2385
Get Your Fresh Here – Hot ‘n Steamy!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Jennifer Aniston, Alison Janney, Martin Sheen & Megan Mullaly are among celebs who’ve donated their Emmy duds to an online benefit auction running through OCTOBER 7 (http://www.ubid.com) . . . A test screening of Madonna’s new film “Swept Away”, directed by hubby Guy Ritchie, didn’t go well – one member of the restless audience yelled out, “Jesus, no! Make it end!” (would that be the audio equivalent of 2 thumbs down?) . . . Speculation is the mid-October celebration at Buckingham Palace to which about 100 friends of Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles have been invited may be in honor of an engagement announcement (or maybe just to celebrate 30 years of boinking on the side) . . . Shakira will appear in TV ads for Reebok ‘Classic’ apparel, which includes such ‘sportswear’ items as cropped bra-tops, velour warm-ups & $80 running shoes . . . The “LA Times” reports that AOL Time Warner & Walt Disney Co have been holding talks about merging CNN and ABC News into ‘a stand-alone news powerhouse’ (hey, that’s [your newscaster’s] nickname!) . . . Word is P Diddy managed to blow over $175,000 in just 3 nights of partying at London’s oh-so-chic Mayfair Club (not hard to do when you’re drinking $20,000 methuselahs of Cristal champagne!) . . . And Steve Bing, the Hollywood producer who feels his mission in life it to spread his seed here, there & everywhere (ie: actress Liz Hurley) has been approached to become an ad spokesman – by condom manufacturer Condomi.

WORDWATCH 2002:
• ‘Six-Inch Calibration’ – Lifting a piece of equipment approximately 6 inches and then dropping it onto a hard surface to see if that will make it start working again. Similar to ‘percussive maintenance‘ where you kick it.
• ‘Organigram’ – A chart or diagram of a company’s organizational structure and hierarchy. (You know, the one with you at the very bottom?)
• ‘E-Mail Train’ – An e-mail message that keeps growing and growing as people reply without deleting all of the previous responses.
• And these words have been added to the next edition of the “Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary” – booty, treehugger, noogie, hottie, netiquette, roadrage, and dollarization.

HERE COMES “HAL”:
In his new book, “The Age of Spiritual Machines”, high-tech entrepreneur Ray Kurzweil predicts that by the year 2019, a computer worth $1,000 will have the processing power of the human brain. And by 2050, he says, a $1,000 computer will equal the processing power of ALL the human brains on Earth!

SHHH! ™:
British composer Mike Batt has settled out-of-court after a recording of his composition “A Minute’s Silence”, consisting of – well, a one-minute silence – was claimed to be plagiarism, stolen from the late avant-garde American composer John Cage. Cage wrote “4’33” in 1952, a ‘ground-breaking’ silent composition for piano, consisting entirely of silent notes that take 4 minutes, 33 seconds to perform. Batt claimed, not unreasonably, that you can’t steal silence but apparently got tired of running up legal fees and decided to pay a settlement. To show how ludicrous this case became – the two sides attempted to prove their points earlier this year by each staging a performance of their piece. The result was inconclusive. (Tell you what, you be the judge. Here’s a sample of the first recording….)

PETITIONING THE SAINTS:
In a “Details” magazine poll, 23% of respondents admit that they have prayed for a win in a sports event. An honest 5% admit they have prayed for something bad to happen to someone else. (“And if it be thy will, we pray that Marshall Faulk shall be injured on the next play in order that the spread might be covered….”)

YA, I’M HAVING THE SNIFFLES:
Speaking Swedish might help you stay healthy – at least in Finland. According to a Finnish medical study, Finns who also speak Swedish are 25% less likely to become ill than those who don’t. (It’s the meatballs in their nostrils.)

“WHORE’S BREAKFAST” IS GOOD FOR YOU?
A new review of medical studies by Harvard School of Public Health confirms previously reported associations between smoking, coffee drinking and a lower risk of Parkinson’s disease. The researchers stress the results do not suggest that smoking cigarettes or drinking coffee will prevent Parkinson’s, and any benefit is out-weighed by the increased susceptibility to other diseases.

BELL BARKING:
One of the most common barking problems for dog owners is when the family dog goes crazy when somebody rings the doorbell. Expert dog-trainer Kathy de Natale says dog owners should never yell when this happens. Why? It reinforces the behavior – because the dog thinks you’re barking, too!

“FRIENDS” – THE BOARD GAME:
Fresh of the show’s Emmy win as ‘Best Comedy’, game-maker Cardinal Industries has released a new “Friends” board game. Thanks to input from the show’s writers, the trivia questions are said to be really tough even for diehard fans. A few samples –
• What’s the name of Joey’s sailboat? (‘Mr Beaumont’)
• What’s the name of the store where Phoebe rented her wedding dress? (It’s Not Too Late)
• What’s Rachel’s astrology sign? (Taurus)
As well as trivia, the game includes charades in which players re-enact favorite “Friends” scenes. (For a real laugh, get grandpa to do the one where Rachel gives birth.)

CLASSIC RÉSUMÉ BLOOPERS:
Collected from real-life résumés of job seekers from all levels, industries and career fields, the following bloopers illustrate the importance of proofreading. They also prove you should never trust your computer’s spell checker!
• “Consistently TANKED as top sales producer for new accounts.”
• “Dramatically increased EXITING account base, achieving new company record.”
• “Directed $25 million ANAL shipping and receiving operations.”
• “REVOLVED customer problems and inquiries.”
• “Promoted to district MANGER to oversee 37 retail storefronts.”
• “Experienced supervisor, DEFECTIVE with both rookies and seasoned professionals.”
• “Seeking a PARTY-time position with potential for advancement.”
Source: monster.com

BS AMAZING FACT:
If you marry at age 30 and stay married until you’re 90, you will have spent 18 years in the sack with your mate! (When you live with ‘Flatulent Phil’, that truly is cruel and unusual punishment!)

THE BULL SHEET 09.25.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] Barbara Walters, Boston MA, $12-million-a-year ABC-TV anchor (“20/20”, “The View”)/first woman to co-host network news

1933 [69] Ian Tyson, Victoria BC, legendary Canadian folk/country singer (Ian & Sylvia-“Four Strong Winds”)

1944 [58] Michael Douglas, New Brunswick NJ, movie actor/director/producer (“Traffic”, “The American President”, Academy Award-“Wall Street”)/Mr Catherine Zeta-Jones UP NEXT: The comedy “Till Death Do Us Part” coming in 2003

1952 [50] Christopher Reeve, NYC, movie actor (“Superman”) who was paralyzed in riding mishap and is now a proponent of stem cell and spinal chord research

1961 [41] Heather Locklear, Westwood CA, TV actress (3-episode guest stint on “Scrubs” could lead to full-time role, ex-“Spin City” 1999-2002, ex-“Melrose Place”)/Mrs Richie Samboro since 1994/ex-Mrs Tommy Lee 1986-94

1962 [40] Aida Turturro, NYC, TV actress (Tony’s sister Janice Soprano-“The Sopranos”)

1968 [34] Will Smith, Philadelphia PA, movie actor (“Ali”, “Men In Black 1 & 2”, “Independence Day”)/rap artist (“Wild Wild West”, “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”)  NEXT MOVIE: The action comedy sequel “Bad Boys 2″ with Martin Lawrence, opening AUGUST 2003

1969 [33] Catherine Zeta-Jones, Swansea WALES, movie actress (“America’s Sweethearts”, “Traffic”)/Mrs Michael Douglas (25 years younger)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Renée Zellweger & Richard Gere in the bigscreen adaptation of the musical “Chicago”, coming DECEMBER 25

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “One Hit Wonders Day”
• “National Comic Book Day”

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Florida judge rules that it is legal for a child to divorce biological parents as 12-year-old Gregory Kingsley decides he doesn’t want his ma & pa anymore

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 At George Clooney’s urging, the season premiere episode of “ER” is performed LIVE

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1954 [48] Cleveland Indians become winningest team in MLB history with 111th victory

1965 [37] 60-year-old Satchel Paige becomes oldest-ever MLB player (pitches 3 scoreless innings for KC)

1965 [37] At 34, Willie Mays becomes oldest MLB player to hit 50 home runs (what’s amazing is – 10 years before he had become the youngest to accomplish the same feat)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] World Tourism Day
[Sat] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Sat] National Hunting & Fishing Day
[Sun] Pumpkin Day
This Week is – Fall Hat Week
This Month is – Pleasure Your Mate Month (just 1 month a year?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If early birds get worms, isn’t it better to sleep in?
• If ‘a thing of beauty is a joy forever’, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?
• Who cares whether the glass is half full or half empty, shouldn’t the question be who’s been drinking out of my glass?
• If you’re on a low-fat diet, can you wear a ‘bacon patch’?
• Is it a Freudian slip when you say one thing but mean your mother?
• Isn’t there something kleptomaniacs can take to help them?
• If maple syrup comes from maple trees, where does cough syrup come from?
• Are you making progress if each mistake you make is a new one?
• If your imaginary friend thinks YOU are imaginary would that make you a figment of your own imagination?
• If it’s stupid but it works, is it still stupid?

BS DOUBLE ‘A’ GAME:
Each word of the 2-word answers to the following begin with the letter ‘A’ –
• He was the star of the classic TV series “M*A*S*H”. (Alan Alda)
• It’s the original ’12-step program’. (Alcoholics Anonymous)
• It’s the way sailors say ‘yes sir’ to the captain. (Aye aye)
• She played Harrison Ford’s wife in both “Clear and Present Danger” and “Patriot Games”. (Anne Archer)
• It’s the preferred term for ‘secretary’ these days. (Administrative Assistant)
• This type of gun shoots at airplanes. (Anti-Aircraft)
• It’s the biggest city in the northern-most US state. (Anchorage, Alaska)
• It’s what you might be charged with if you beat up somebody. (Aggravated Assault)
• It’s a bizarre-looking, long-nosed animal that eats bugs. (African Anteater)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the greatest sports movie of all time?” (An online poll picked Kevin Costner’s “Field of Dreams.”)
• “Should we be able to enjoy a beer at the movies?”
• “What’s the best show people AREN’T watching on TV?” (Some critics say it’s “The Gilmore Girls”.)

BS TRIVIA:
Q: You’re playing the ‘footsie’ in London. What the heck are you up to?
A: Investing in stocks. The ‘Financial Times Stock Exchange’ or ‘FTSE’ is nicknamed ‘footsie’. It’s an economic indicator similar to the ‘Dow Jones Average’ or the ‘TSE 300′.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: North American hospitals treat over a 100 patients a year who are injured by this.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A toilet seat.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
What men don’t realize is how many women go on a date just so they won’t have to cook dinner.