Monday, September 16, 2002        Edition: #2378
Sheet Rocks!

WEIRDEST BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• ”Alien Probe Cured My Hemorrhoids!”
• “Wife Sells Hubby’s Body Parts on Internet!”
• “Laughter Melts Flab Away!”
• “Ghost Hookers are Haunting Sex Shop!”
• “Ancient Parking Lot Found on Mars!“
• “Hitler Clone Turns 7-Years-Old!”
• “Cow Pee Removes Wrinkles!”
Source: “Weekly World News”

OTHER TABLOID TRASH:
• If you believe “Star”, Julia Roberts’ new hubby Danny Moder noticed some disturbing black and blue marks on his new bride just days after their wedding that couldn’t be explained. Julia has reportedly since visited a doctor, worried that she is bruising easily and getting tired often. The tab claims she may be battling a mysterious ‘deadly blood disease’.
• “People” magazine has picked Julia Roberts and Halle Berry among its ‘Best-Dressed in 2002′. The ‘Worst-Dressed’ list includes Pam Anderson, Kid Rock and Macy Gray.
• “National Enquirer” reports that Ben Affleck surprised girlfriend Jennifer Lopez with a stunning $25,000 diamond Rolex watch during a weekend break from filming the movie “Jersey Girl” in Philadelphia. And as if that wasn’t enough, he dropped another 25 grand on a
matching Rolex for J-Lo’s mom Guadalupe. Could he be buttering up his future mother-in-law? In any event, the $50,000 purchase reportedly sailed through on Ben’s credit card as if it were a meager $20 buy on yours or mine. (Well, maybe on yours.)
• Elizabeth Taylor is reported to have skin cancer. “Star” says the 70-year-old opted for radiotherapy treatment to treat the disease in order to avoid facial surgery.
• As if Whitney Houston doesn’t have enough problems, she’s now being sued for $100 million – by her 81-year-old dad! “PeopleNews” says John Houston is claiming his daughter has failed to pay for services from his entertainment company. Word is he’s angry that he helped her secure a hugely profitable recording contract and also to avoid being charged for drug abuse, yet he’s never seen a dime of her money!
• “Mirror” reveals that Angelina Jolie has been beefing up for “Tomb Raider 2″ in a London gym. The curvaceous star has reportedly been working out with all the ‘regular people’ – in a cordoned-off area watched over by a bodyguard.
• The UK’s “Sun” tab says pop singer Kylie Minogue is stressed out and exhausted and has chosen to depressurize in her native Australia. TODAY she’s heading for the El Questro Resort in a remote region of Western Australia where she’ll recharge her batteries in luxury digs at a million-acre wildlife park. She’s reportedly traveling with her mother who demanded she take a break due to concerns over Kylie’s health. Kylie’s people are denying that she’s suffering from breakdown. (Which normally means the exact opposite.)
• “NY Post” says Anna Nicole Smith has been dropped as a model for Lane Bryant because
executives at the queen-size clothing line don’t want to be associated with her prime-time meltdown. The former “Playboy” Playmate has not only gained too much weight, her speech is slurred, and she’s so unsteady on her feet she has to be helped in and out of cars.
• “PeopleNews” reports that Celine Dion’s protective husband/manager Rene Angelil is demanding that a Montréal radio station stop playing a parody of her song “I’m Alive” in which the singer is called, among other things, annoying. Angelil is apparently claiming that copyright law prevents such use of a recording. (Hey Rene, it’s called parody. Remember humor, pal?)
• 37-year-old Calista Flockhart reveals why she fell for 60-year-old Harrison Ford. “It’s the best sex I ever had,” quotes “Star” magazine. “Every time Harrison looks at me I get shivers.” (Likely thinking about all the money she could inherit in just a few short years.)
• “News of the World” claims Justin Timberlake underwent hypnosis to help him get over his break-up with Britney Spears. An ‘insider’ says Justin saw celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna on the “Montel Williams Show” and liked him so much he had him flown to NYC for 2 sessions. Oh, and the so-called insider also reveals that Justin’s been seeing “Charmed” actress Alyssa Milano for a few weeks and things are going well.
• Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards tells “Mojo” mag that he went berserk when he heard Mick Jagger was going to be knighted. And he says Jagger’s decision to actually accept the title was so offensive to him he threatened to pull out of the “Licks” tour.

YOU SHOULD NEVER DRIVE & GAB:
A coroner’s inquest in Whitby ON is recommending a ban on all mobile phone use by drivers after investigating the death of a man and his 2-year-old daughter who were hit by a train while he was using his cell phone. Interesting facts from the case –
• The number of cell phones in Canada has grown from 1.8 million to more than 10 million between 1994 and 2002.
• Dr Claire Laberge-Nadeau of Montréal says the risk of accidents goes up about 38% for drivers using a cell phone on the road. Toronto researcher Dr Donald Redelmeier claims the increased risk is more like 400%!
(The application for radio – NEVER put someone on-the-air who is speaking from a mobile phone while driving. Imagine the fall-out if an accident occurred while a driver was yakking on a talk show or playing a radio contest!)

SUBSIDIZED SWINGERS:
The Borough Council in Somerset, England is offering a new ‘optional exercise’ under Britain’s National Physical Activity Referral Scheme – golf! Several hundred people have already been ‘prescribed’ exercise by physicians under the program, which encourages people with mild health problems to take part in regular physical activity rather than taking medication. Patients can also choose swimming or aerobics, but those who take the golf option get 8 rounds at a municipal course for less than half the normal green fees. (As if golf courses aren’t already clogged up with slow, overweight duffers!)

WHAT’S HOT FOR FALL?
Suze Yalof Schwartz, executive fashion director of “Glamour” magazine, says there are 5 basic looks that will be hot for women this fall –
• ‘The Lady Look’ (skirts & jackets with boots just short of the knee)
• ‘The New Suit’ (more fitted and sexier than previous suits)
• ‘Sport Luxury’ (casual wear made with expensive materials such as cashmere, fur, leather & suede)
• ‘Chunky Knits’ (big wide-woven sweaters in cable knit)
• ‘The Military Look’ (uniform ‘details’ such as brass buckles & gold buttons)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SLIM WHITMAN, ANYWAY?
Yodeling instructors in the Austrian Alps are amazed that the traditional art seems to be back in vogue. Organizers of yodeling classes in Graz say they’ve had more applicants for courses than they can take on. They’ve already had 120 students THIS YEAR and are lining up 2 more classes. Yodeling used to be a skill that young people learned at home, but now enthusiasts need to take a course to master the art. The demand for yodeling workshops at adult education centers reverses a trend of many years when yodeling was considered to be out of fashion. (Altogether now, class – ‘little old lady who!’)

FOR THE RECORD:
10 fans of ”The Simpsons” are aiming to complete a 25-hour marathon viewing session during which they’ll watch 70 episodes back-to-back in a store window in Cardiff, Wales, a stunt that proves even couch potatoes can find a way to raise money for charity!

THE BULL SHEET 09.16.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [78] Lauren Bacall (Betty Joan Perske), NYC, film legend (“Key Largo”) who’s still working, next appearing in the Nicole Kidman thriller “Dogville”/Humphrey Bogart’s widow  MOST FAMOUS MOVIE LINE: “You remember how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow” (when Bogie died in 1957 she had a gold whistle buried with him, inscribed “If you want anything, just whistle.”)

1925 [77] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)  QUOTE: “About 15 times, a lady has said ‘It’s either me or Lucille (his guitar).’ That’s why I’ve had 15 children by 15 women.”

1956 [46] David Copperfield (Kotkin), Metuchen NJ, illusionist/Claudia Schiffer’s former fiancé

1969 [33] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“You Sang To Me”, “I Need to Know”)

1982 [20] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, TV actress (Rory Gilmore -“Gilmore Girls”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Australia’s first-ever “National Sheep-Counting Championship” was held over the weekend in the Outback town of Hay. Under the rules, about 400 sheep dash past 10 competitors at a time who try to count them. The contestant whose estimate is closest to the real number of sheep wins. Peter Desailey from Wyvern Station beat Nick Wragge from Toganmain Station, accurately counting 277 sheep to his rival’s 278. (The biggest problem was all the contestants kept falling asleep.)  FACTOID: ‘Professional sheep counters’, who work at auction yards across Australia, can count up to 60,000 sheep a day.

TODAY is “Collect Rocks Day”, either a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting or a salute to the marital adventures of Elizabeth Taylor.

TODAY is ”National Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

TODAY is “Yom Kippur” or “Day of Atonement”, a day for repentance and the holiest Jewish
observance.

TODAY is “International Day for Preservation of the Ozone Layer”, as declared by the UN. (To celebrate this momentous event, turn your face to where the ozone USED TO BE and damn yourself for using aerosol cans all those years!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1949 [53] 1st ‘Road Runner’ cartoon, co-starring ‘Wile E Coyote’ (“Fast & Furryous”)

1956 [46] 1st ‘Play-Doh’ marketed

1979 [23] 1st ‘rap record’ released (Sugar Hill Gang-“Rapper’s Delight”)

1984 [18] 1st baboon heart transplanted into a human (who immediately begins acting like Jim Carey)

1988 [14] Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” becomes 1st a cappella recording to reach #1

1993 [09] 1st episode of “Frasier” on NBC-TV (became Emmy Awards most-honored show of all-time when it received 3 creative arts awards SATURDAY for a total of 30 Emmys, one more than “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. More Emmys are possible as both Kelsey Grammar & David Hyde Pierce are nominated for the main awards ceremony this SUNDAY.)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [08] World record 3,960-lb burrito is made in Montebello CA, measuring 3,055 feet long (after it’s consumed another record is set – quickest evacuation of a restaurant)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] US Citizenship Day
[Tues] International Day of Peace
[Thurs] “Survivor: Thailand” premieres
[Thurs] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Fri] International Student Day
[Sat] 2nd leg of Paul McCartney “Back in the US” tour begins (Milwaukee)
[Sat] 15th Farm Aid Concert (Pittsburgh)
[Sat] Miniature Golf Day
[Sun] 54th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Sun] Hobbit Day
[Sun] National Centenarians Day
[1 week TODAY] Autumn begins (12:55 am EDT)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
School Internet Safety Week
Childcare Week
National Flower Week
Deaf Awareness Week
Farm Animals Awareness Week
National Farm Safety Week
Chiropractic Week
National Courtesy Week
Balance Awareness Week
Build A Better Image Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
A NYC psychoanalyst plans to create a dating service in which people are matched up by their therapists. Clients of ‘TheraDate’ will be assessed on factors such as obsessiveness, defence mechanisms and nervous tics. Frederick Levenson claims people in therapy are attracted to others with similar experiences and data obtained from confidential questionnaires completed by a client’s therapist can lead to happy relationships. Imagine what these personal ads might look like!
BS THERADATE PERSONALS:
• “Lonely guy with low self-esteem issues seeks anybody. Please write me, although you probably won’t. Oh, never mind.”
• “Agoraphobic seeks home-body for lots of cozy nights in.”
• “Kleptomaniac seeks generous single male 28-35. Let me steal your heart away!”
• “Loveable single white male with very mild case of  multiple personality disorder seeks a slim blonde/voluptuous redhead/adventurous brunette and gentleman companion. I want a gentleman companion? Yes, I do.”

BS OUT OF SORTS:
• Sort the following politicians from when they first served as Canadian PM, from the earliest to the most recent –
a) Wilfred Laurier
b) William Lyon MacKenzie King
c) Pierre Trudeau
d) Louis St Laurent
[ANSWER: a, b, d, c]
• Sort the following groups based on the number of people singing, from the least to the most –
a) quartet
b) solo
c) duet
d) trio
[ANSWER: b, c, d, a]

WHO SAID IT?
“There’s no way I set out to be a certain kind of symbol. The way I dress is the way I am, the way I live my life.”
a) Michael Jackson
b) Pamela Anderson
c) Marilyn Manson
ANSWER: Pamela Anderson (one of “People” mag’s ‘Worst-Dressed of 2002′).

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 40% of us say we keep this in our vehicle at all times – just in case.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Toilet paper.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Everybody repeat after me – “We are all individuals.”

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW:
Welcome to this week’s samplers that include Lakeshia Velcoff @ KCCC Mineral Springs AR, Cheri Okies @ COW-FM Sparta WI, Arron Daniels @ KBNJ Corpus Christi TX, Melanie Hutchinson @ KISS-FM Vernon BC, Vimal @ RTM in K-L Malaysia, and Derek Cooper @ Q-FM Glasgow SCOT. You can subscribe to “BS” simply by clicking on the link at the top of this issue.