Monday, September 24, 2001 Edition: #2138
It’s Another Bull Run!
You’ve obviously been covering the wrong stories, because here are the top headlines according to “Weekly World News”:
• “Country Music Lowers Your Kid’s IQ!”
• “Clumsy Doc Sets Patient on Fire!”
• “New AIDS Tax Will Cost Average Family $5,000 a Year!”
• “Bill Catches Hillary With Space Alien!”
ALSO FROM THE TABS:
• “NY Post” reports more than 89 million Americans watched at least some of FRIDAY night’s “A Tribute to Heroes” telethon and about 59% of American homes tuned in. It was seen in an
estimated 210 countries, including Canada on CTV and Global. Organizers won’t know until later TODAY how much money the 2-hour event raised for the ‘September 11 Telethon Fund’, but do say that 300,000 donors called in just the first 15 minutes! Donations are still being taken online at www.tributetoheroes.com. According to PageSix.com, Julia Roberts has donated $1 million to that fund and ANOTHER million to the ‘American Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund’.
• UK’s “Sun” reports the film “Enigma” is scheduled for a royal premiere TONIGHT in London. The story of British code-crackers in WW2 is the first movie made by Mick Jagger’s production company Jagged Films. Rumor has it Mick and star Kate Winslet will celebrate at a lavish dinner attended by Prince Charles. (Asked if he’d like to hear about the making the film, the prince said, “I’m all ears!”)
• Pals fear Mariah Carey is on the verge of yet another breakdown after her acting debut in “Glitter” received scathing reviews, ie: “USA Today” says “Her acting doesn’t come close to the potency of her pipes”, while “NY Daily News” is even blunter, saying, “Carey is astonishingly bad.” (What is it about her that attracts such venom? Could it be her egotistical self-absorption . . . or just the fact her ass is always hanging out?)
• “National Enquirer” claims Madonna’s 9-month marriage to Guy Ritchie is in tatters over shocking charges that he bedded an old girlfriend while Madonna was pregnant with their baby son. An insider who knows the couple says “Madonna’s furious with Guy” and “She wants a showdown with him after her concert tour ends”. (Wow, a Madonna marriage in disarray – who woulda thunk?)
• According to “Star”, Ben Affleck has been phoning former gf Gwyneth Paltrow and pleading with her to take him back. Seems the main reason they split was because of his party lifestyle, but now that he’s clean and sober he wants her back. She’s apparently responded with a thanks-but-no-thanks, as she’s happily dating Luke Wilson, her co-star in the upcoming flick “The Royal Tenenbaums”. Poor Ben is said to be crushed. (It’s a case of ‘Good Will Hurting’.)
• “Daily Variety” reports movie star Patrick Swayze (“Dirty Dancing”, “Ghost”) is set to star in his first TV series, “CID” (Criminal Investigation Division), a crime drama centered around the US Army’s investigative unit. (“Drop the gun . . . or I’ll wiggle my butt.”)
CRUNCHING NUMBERS:
• According to a nationwide poll, the average age for loss of virginity in Canada is 16.6 years, a full year earlier than the global average of 17.6. (Right about now there are thousands of parents who are shocked and a similar number of 17-year-olds who are really, really depressed.)
• We spend an average of 220,000 hours asleep in our lifetime, about a third of our lives or about the same amount of time we spend at work. (Think how you’d increase your lifespan by combining the two!)
FROM THE POLL VAULT:
• According to a new study that asked married people what you should NEVER say to your spouse, the #1 thing you should never say to a husband is “You’re just like your father.” (Especially if you say it in bed.)
• An “Ethics Journal” study of students at some 30 universities concludes that most of them cheat! Business majors are worst, with 87% admitting to cheating at least once. Researchers say they’re looking for a short cut to big bucks. (Just practising for the real business world.)
• A new Ipsos Reid poll finds that 73% of Canadians are in favor of joining the US in its battle against terrorism. But support plunges to 43% if it meant increasing the threat of terrorism here. (Yessir America, when it comes to spearheading the war on terrorism, we’re right BEHIND you all the way!)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Harrisburg PA woman has been charged with depositing a fake $1-million bill at a bank. But it’s the bank teller who’s blushing because — there is no such thing!. In fact, a $100,000 bill was the largest ever printed by the US, and it existed for only 3 weeks in the 1930s and was never circulated.
• Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. (I’m no expert but isn’t that called a horse?)
• A man was foiled while attempting to rob a store in Natrona Heights PA by threatening the clerk — with a can of ravioli. (“Hand over the cash or I’ll make you uncomfortably full!”)
• McDonald’s has announced new restrictions for companies that supply eggs to its restaurants that demand chickens have at least 72 square inches of space to themselves. (Who cares about the chickens? Have you ever tried to sit at one of those little tables at McDonald’s? How about 72 square inches for ME?)
• Sales of T-shirts bearing a picture of Osama bin Laden have surged in Indonesia, home to the world’s largest Islamic population. (It’s the T-shirt that says “Please, strafe my village.”)
THE DRAMA OF DREAMS:
While the meaning of our dreams can vary, Dr Morton J Aronson, Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University says the interpretation of some symbols is universal and easy to translate. Here are a few of the common themes . . .
CAVES —
• Dreams about tunnels, doorways, bureau drawers or mossy caves represent a desire for affection or the need to get closer to a female in your life.
RUNNING —
• Being chased means you are running away from something that is too difficult or you are avoiding a confrontation.
ALIENS —
• Dreaming of creatures from outer space can be an indication that some outside force is playing a role in your life and you are uncertain of your surroundings or something that is going on in your life.
WATER —
• A calm stream of water stands for security, safety and comfort, but turbulent water can mean there is a disruptive force in your current environment or that you feel overwhelmed.
FALLING —
• Falling generally means instability in your life, but a free fall with no clear beginning or end represents a lack of connection to the world around you.
THIS THERAPY STINKS:
Aromatherapy, the application of aromatic plant oils to create a sense of well-being, has gained wide acceptance as an alternative form of medicine. A few suggested aroma treatments . . .
• Depression — a little nutmeg oil will cheer you up.
• Anxiety — try a touch of basil behind the ears.
• Impotence — cinnamon, clover or ginger will perk you up.
• Irritability — slap on some vanilla and you’ll calm right down.
(Source: “Rejuvenation: A Wellness Guide for Women & Men”)
THE BULL SHEET 09.24.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [D-1998] Linda McCartney, NYC, Sir Paul McCartney’s wife (1969) who died of cancer/photographer/singer (Wings-“Ram”)
1943 [58] Julio Iglesias, Madrid SPA, syrupy singer (“To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”)/Enrique Iglesias’ pop
1948 [53] Gordon Clapp, North Conway NH, TV actor (Det Greg Medavoy-“NYPD Blue”, since 1993)
1948 [D-1998] Phil Hartman, Brantford ON, TV actor fatally shot by wife (“News Radio”, “SNL”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW is “One-Hit Wonder Day”, originally sponsored by “One Shot Magazine”, to honor musicians who made it big only once before fading into obscurity. If you’re looking for a list, try the ‘Dog Pound’ . . .
NET: http://members.aol.com/DogPound5/onehit.html
THIS WEEK is “National Dog Week”. A study shows that men who are crazy about dogs make better fathers. The research shows that dog lovers exhibit more love for their children and spend more time with them.
THIS WEEK’S annual “Engagement Festival” in Imilchil, Morocco is one of the world’s largest ‘marriage markets’. Some 20,000 gather each year to party and arrange marriages — which includes shouting negotiations and waving legal papers, then having young people sign marriage contracts.
SEPTEMBER is “Subliminal Marketing Month”. The journal “Science” says that subliminal messages actually CAN influence how people think, but only for a brief period of time and only if the message is limited to one word.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1988 [13] Bobby McFerrin’s goofy hit “Don’t Worry Be Happy” reaches #1
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1927 [74] Toronto ‘St Patricks’ hockey club 1st uses name ‘Maple Leafs’
1968 [33] Stopwatch 1st starts ticking as “60 Minutes” (TV’s longest running news magazine) debuts with Harry Reasoner & Mike Wallace (still working at age 83!)
1979 [22] 1st ‘online service’ (CompuServe [later absorbed by AOL])
1997 [04] 1st episode of hit sit-com “Dharma & Greg” on ABC-TV
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [13] Ben Johnson runs 100m in record 9.79 secs at Seoul Olympics (touching off a national celebration that goes sour 3 days later when he tests positive for anabolic steroid use and is disqualified)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Comic Book Day
[Wed] Food Service Employees Day
[Wed] Yom Kippur begins at sundown
[Thurs] Vancouver International Film Festival begins
[Fri] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Fri] Native American Day
Great American Breakfast Month
Religious Freedom Week
National Youth Activities Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
JUST KIDDING AROUND:
• What’s the best form of birth control after 50? [Nudity.]
• What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? [45 lbs.]
• What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? [45 minutes.]
• What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? [After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.]
• Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? [Ask your mom.]
• What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? [A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.]
• What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? [“Are you sure it’s mine?”]
• What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? [Beer nuts are $1, but deer nuts are always under a buck.]
BS TRIVIA:
Q: 17 years ago today (1984), the longest ever recorded set a “Guinness” record at 17 days, 10 1/2 hours. What was it?
A: The longest recorded kiss.
Q: You’re reading the comics in the newspaper when you come across a ‘plewd’. What the heck is it?
A: It’s a series of exclamation points or other typographical symbols used to indicate foul language. (“You !@?#% jerk!”)
Q: Written by Irving Berlin in 1918, this song was dropped from his WWI musical “Yip, Yip Yaphank” because it was considered ‘too solemn’. What was it?
A: “God Bless America”, which didn’t become popular until Kate Smith belted it out on radio years later.
BS TAG LINE:
I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
