Friday, September 21, 2001 Edition: #2137
Operation: Infinite Bull
BS WAYS TO RATIONALIZE SPENDING YOUR CHILDREN’S INHERITANCE:
• Odds are, they’ll grow to love eating Spam.
• What did they ever give me other than stretch marks?
• After buying that 6-pack of Corona, it was all gone anyway.
• Someday it’ll give them a good reason to pull the plug.
• The chance of them one day actually going to truck driving school is just a pipe dream anyhow.
• I’ll never die!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT & TOMORROW Jennifer Lopez’s performances in San Juan, Puerto Rico will be filmed for NBC-TV for airing in NOVEMBER as a ratings special . . . TOMORROW Tony Danza hosts the 81st annual “Miss America Pageant” on ABC-TV (warning! warning! — he’s going to sing!!!!) . . . “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” star Colin Mochrie is replacing Rick Mercer on CBC-TV’s “This Hour Has 22 Minutes” (like he needs more work) . . . Scotland Yard is investigating reports that a grand prize winner on the UK version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” may have been helped by someone in the audience — coughing (“Hack! hack! hack!” “Um, I’ll say ‘c’, final answer.”) . . . Britney Spears’ debut movie, variously titled “Not a Girl” and “What Are Friends For”, is now due for release in FEBRUARY (should be called “Dude, Where’s My Bra?”) . . . And Willie Nelson has recorded a new version of his hit “On the Road Again” with some rap artists (a combination of country and rap, you know — ‘crap’).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
After numerous delays, we finally get the romantic musical drama “Glitter” (originally titled “All That Glitters”). In her first movie role, Mariah Carey plays a young singer who’s eager to become a big star and dates a DJ who helps her get into the biz. (Then she burns out, goes flippy and ends up in a shrink ward.)
DISASTER UPDATE:
At least 27 TV networks (there are 27 networks?) have now agreed to air TONIGHT’S star-studded benefit for terrorist attack victims, “America: A Tribute to Heroes”, to be broadcast live from stages in NYC and LA (Mariah Carey will appear to sing “Hero”, nothing to do with today’s release of her movie . . . honest!) . . . TOMORROW an ‘all-star choir’ that includes Diana Ross, Sugar Ray, Sheryl Crow, Run-DMC, the NY Knicks and members of the NYPD and fire department will gather to record an updated version of the old Sister Sledge hit “We Are Family” as a benefit fund-raiser . . . SUNDAY MuchMusic is replacing the cancelled 12th annual “MuchMusic Video Awards” with “Music Without Borders: A National Benefit Concert and Discussion Forum”, which includes appearances by Shaggy, Barenaked Ladies and Sarah MacLachlan . . . Another tale of a near miss – for his upcoming film “Nosebleed”, Jackie Chan was to play a window cleaner who discovers a terrorist plot to blow up the Statue of Liberty while working at the World Trade Center, but a last-minute script delay postponed production, scheduled for 7 am atop a WTC tower – on SEPTEMBER 11 (how could there be SO MANY movies about terrorism on US soil and yet the country was so unprepared?).
WATCH WHO YOU’RE SLAGGING:
There are 1.2 BILLION followers of Islam in the world, making it the world’s 2nd – largest religion after Christianity. It’s also the world’s fastest-growing, now accounting for 20% of the world’s population and expected to reach 30% by 2025. There are a quarter-million Canadians who follow Islam. There are over 150 million people who speak the Arabic language in the world. So, to use the term ‘Islamic Terrorists’ when referring to a few hundred extremists, most of whom are dissidents, is misleading, and distorting the reality of the numbers.
BIN LADEN BEATS BRITNEY:
Thanks to the terrorism crisis, Internet search engines report that ‘sex’ has dropped off the top 10 list of search terms for the first time. ‘Pamela Anderson’, ‘Britney Spears’ and ‘Backstreet
Boys’ have also been knocked off the list and replaced by terms relating to the terrorist attacks and Osama Bin Laden.
ASTRONAUTS DO IT:
And here’s the proof — NASA is now including do-it-yourself pregnancy test kits in medical packs for the International Space Station. (If you’re having sex in a weightless environment, how do you know who’s on top?)
GOO GOO GUIDE:
A study of baby talk around-the-world finds that babies seem to make the same pattern of sounds, wherever they live. Even more astounding, these sounds resemble what linguists think may have been the original human language. (The study found that when filling a diaper, 98% of babies worldwide say, “UGGGHHHHNNNN!”)
FAB FOUR FAMILY:
UK Beatles fans Michelle & Dave Cooper have just named their new quadruplets after their favorite group, calling them ‘John’, ‘Lennon’, ‘Harrison’ and ‘McCartney’. ‘Ringo’ got left out because the couple decided ‘not to go overboard’. Um, maybe a bit late for that. (They’ll all grow up complaining, “Mom always liked Pete Best!”)
2 MILLION B.F. [BEFORE FLOSS]:
Anthropologists in Tanzania at a site where human remains dating back 1.8 million years have been unearthed have just discovered signs of – toothpick use. (Of course, it took another 1.799 million years or so to add mint flavoring.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.21.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Leonard Cohen, Montréal QC, Canadian icon/songwriter (“Closing Time”, “Bird on a Wire”)
1947 [54] Stephen King, Portland ME, scary author (“The Shining”, “Pet Cemetery”)/first major author to release books on the Internet
1950 [51] Bill Murray, Wilmette IL, movie actor (“Osmosis Jones”, “Charlie’s Angels”, “Caddy Shack”)
1960 [41] David James Elliott, Milton ON, TV actor (Lt Cmdr Harmon Rabb Jr-“JAG”, since 1995)
1965 [36] Darva Conger, Santa Monica CA, famous for 15 minutes as the whining winner of FOX-TV special “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” who was wed, then un-wed, to supposed millionaire Rick Rockwell (February 15-April 5, 2000)/after complaining about being in the limelight, she posed naked for “Playboy” in August 2000 issue/recent rumors have had her dating Geraldo Rivera (for a real laugh, check out her ‘official Website’ – http://www.darvashouse.com)
1967 [34] Faith Hill, Jackson MS, country superstar (“There You’ll Be”, “This Kiss”)/Mrs Tim McGraw (she’s expecting their 3rd child in JANUARY)
1967 [34] Tyler Stewart, Scarborough ON, rock drummer (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “It’s All Been Done”)
1968 [33] Ricki Lake, Hastings-on-Hudson NY, TV talk show host (“Ricki Lake”, since 1993)/TV actress (Stephanie Heffernan-“The King of Queens”)
1972 [29] Liam Gallagher, Burnage ENG, rock singer/professional a**hole (Oasis-“Champagne Supernova”) who THIS WEEK vowed never to visit the US again (perhaps with the airfare he saves he’ll be able to afford separate eyebrows)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] David Stern, New York NY, NBA commissioner since 1984
1958 [43] Andrea Bocelli, Lajatico ITA, opera singer (his “Romanza” album sold 10 million-plus)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [52] Bruce Springsteen, Freehold NJ, rock singer (Grammys-“Dancing in the Dark”, “Tunnel of Love”, Oscar-winning song-“Streets of Philadelphia”)
1959 [42] Jason Alexander (Greenspan), Newark NJ, TV actor (plays a successful motivational speaker who has a terrible personal life in the new sitcom “Bob Patterson”, scheduled to premiere TUESDAY/George Costanza-“Seinfeld” [1990-98])
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “International Day of Peace” (well, maybe next year)
TODAY is the LAST DAY of summer in the Northern Hemisphere (sniff!). TOMORROW the equinox occurs at 7:04pm EDT, marking the beginning of “Autumn” in the Northern Hemisphere and the start of “Spring” in the Southern Hemisphere. Day and night will be approximately equal in duration. Studies show we fatten up in Fall, eating an average of 14% more than any other season.
TODAY is “Miniature Golf Day”. Did you know there’s actually a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’? Each year they hold the ‘PMGA Championship’. We wonder, do they have caddies? (Try a little golf-whisper play-by-play – “Oooooh, looks like he’s got a bad lie underneath the windmill . . .”)
NET: http://www.thePmga.com
TODAY is “World Gratitude Day”, ‘to unite all people in a positive emotion of gratitude, creating a world community.’ (A good day to be grateful you don’t live in Afghanistan.)
TODAY is “Biosphere Day”, a day to remind everyone of the fragility of the Earth, our only means of life-support.
TOMORROW is “Hobbit Day”, commemorating author JRR Tolkein and the birthdays of his “Lord of the Rings” characters ‘Frodo’ and ‘Bilbo Baggins’. Tolkein’s “The Hobbit” was first published 64 years ago TODAY (1937). Movie versions of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy are being shot simultaneously, the first, “The Fellowship of the Ring”, is opening DECEMBER 19. NOTE: The trailer for the movie debuts on TV on the WB’s season premiere of “Angel” MONDAY night
TOMORROW is “National Centenarians Day”, honoring those who’ve lived 100 years or more. Just think — anyone who is 101 or more has now lived in 3 different centuries.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] Canadian Mint unveils design for new $2-coin that includes a polar bear (soon becomes known as the ‘toony’, twony, ‘toonie’, ‘tooney’ or ‘twonie’ – how do YOU spell it?)
1996 [05] Then ‘world’s most eligible bachelor’ JFK Jr weds Carolyn Bessette in secret Cumberland Island GA ceremony (both killed in plane crash July 16, 1999)
1999 [02] Mariah Carey releases hit single “Heartbreaker”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1929 [72] 1st legal ‘forward pass’ in Canadian football (by Calgary, vs Edmonton)
1970 [31] 1st “Monday Night Football” game on ABC (NY Jets beat Cleveland Browns 31-21)
1993 [08] “NYPD Blue” premieres on ABC-TV with ‘adult language’ and ‘nudity’ advisory (due to Dennis Franz’s butt)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Dear Diary Day
[Sat] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Sat] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Tues] One Hit Wonders Day
National Chiropractic Week
Be Kind to Editors & Writers Month (yeah!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
HANDS-ON CONTEST:
Here’s a twist on the old ‘keep your hand on the car’ contest. 40 competitors at New Zealand’s Lincoln University tried to remain in contact with a vehicle — while a crowd of 300 showered them with eggs, cow manure and beer! After 2 hours, the 21 brave souls remaining had their names thrown into a draw for the car – a (literally) crappy old 1989 Honda Accord.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: The world’s fastest, the ‘Steel Phantom’ and the ‘Desperado’, can reach speeds of 82 mph. What are they?
A: Roller coasters. (In West Mifflin PA and Jean NV respectively.)
BS TAG LINE: Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children!
