September 27, 2000 Edition: #1898
TODAY is “National Food Service Employees Day”.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BAD SERVER WHEN . . .
• After he describes each special he shouts, “Sucks!”
• You suddenly realize it’s the water that’s amber-colored, not the glass.
• You ask for a napkin and he says, “Oh, who’s Mister Fancy?”
• One of your burritos seems to be a rolled-up Ace bandage.
• After presenting food, she says, “Good luck!”
• The only thing French about him is the way he’s kissing your wife.
• You find a liability waiver stapled to the check.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Barbra Streisand performs the 1st of 2 sold-out ‘farewell shows’ at NYC’s Madison Square Garden, where tickets ranged from $125 to $2500 (“NY Post” says many Streisand fans don’t think these will really be her final concert performances and claims that last week’s shows at LA’s Staples Center may have only been ‘sell-outs’ due to last-minute freebies) . . . TODAY U2 will pull a Beatles move and do a live performance on a rooftop in Dublin, to be recorded for Brit TV show “Top Of The Pops” . . . The UK’s FilmFour is offering British theatergoers a money back guarantee if they are not satisfied with the new Bjork movie “Dancer in the Dark”, winner at the Cannes Film Festival (man, think how rich you’d be if this was standard policy!).
INTERNATIONAL BS:
• Chinese border police have arrested a man attempting to smuggle over 100 packages of heroin — in the stomachs of the ducks he was carrying. (Authorities suspected ‘fowl play’ and promptly collared the quack dealer.)
• Police at the Olympics in Sydney are threatening to take action over the tiny portions of food they’re served. (That’s because there is no ‘official donut’ of the 2000 Olympics.)
• If you live in the country of Oman in the Middle East and you own a GENIE, the government says you have to turn it in. Private ownership of genies is now banned. (Hey, my bottle says no deposit, no return!)
• Finally, a product that allows you to be on the cutting edge of music. A Japanese company is now marketing “The Slasher”, a 9-inch switchblade knife that comes with a radio built into the handle. (So you can listen to the theme from “West Side Story” during blade fights.)
• Researchers in Norway polled 600 heart attack survivors and found that just prior to becoming ill, 89% reported experiencing stress from STUPID CO-WORKERS. (No wonder I’m feeling chest pain this morning!)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Group Visits’ . . . According to “The Wall Street Journal”, these are quickly becoming an alternative to individual appointments with a doctor. Several health clinics now offer monthly sessions attended by up to 2 dozen patients. (“OK, everybody bend over and cough . . .”)
• ‘Gonnabees’ . . . These are wannabees that are going to make it. (When it comes to being rich, Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe is one.)
• ‘Inverse Vandalism’ . . . Instead of destroying things for no apparent reason, this is the new trend of creating new products just for the helluva it, even if they serve no useful purpose. (See switchblade radio above.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.27.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [57] Randy Bachman, Winnipeg MB, semi-retired classic rock musician (BTO-“Takin’ Care of Business”, The Guess Who-“American Woman”)/Tal Bachman’s pop
1951 [49] Meat Loaf (Marvin Lee Aday), Dallas TX, classic rock singer (“Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”)/movie actor (“Fight Club”, Eddie-“Rocky Horror Picture Show”)
1964 [36] Stephan Jenkins, Palo Alto CA, rock singer (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, ”Semi-Charmed Life”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[RC] “St Vincent de Paul Feast Day” (patron saint of used clothing?)
TODAY is “Ancestor Appreciation Day”, a day to learn about and appreciate one’s forebears. (For a 5-hour dissertation, just ask your father, “What was it like when you were a kid?” Then don’t forget to say, “Gee dad, thanks for the story.”)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Last MLB game at Detroit’s old Tiger Stadium after 87 years (Detroit beats KC 8-2)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1950 [50] 1st ‘telephone answering machine’ (no one’s actually successfully reached a human voice on the first try since)
1954 [46] “The Tonight Show” debuts on NBC-TV, with 1st host Steve Allen
1991 [09] 1st NHL game in Florida cancelled due to poor ice (a giant puddle in St Petersburg)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1881 [119] Baseball record ‘smallest crowd’ (just 12 people show up to watch Chicago Cubs)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Fri] MLB Playoffs begin
[Sun] Sydney Olympics closing
Banned Books Week
Better Breakfast Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR?
• You’re an ‘ecdysiast’. What do you do for a living? a) model clothes b) design clothes c) take off your clothes [c) You’re a stripper.]
• What does a pilot drop to slow a plane so it can land? a) rudder b) flaps c) pants [b) flaps]
• Those giant moths people keep flicking out of their faces in the Olympic stadium are – a) Pagong Moths b) Bogong Moths c) Kate Moths [b) Millions of them have been descending on the Olympic site, attracted by all the bright lights. Pagong Moths, on the other hand, were voted off the island.]
• You’re lobster fishing and your juicy catch is winged by a stray bullet. What colour is its blood? a) blue b) red, just like ours c) buttery yellow [a) Lobsters are the real ‘blue bloods’.]
• What famous medal depicts 3 naked men with their hands resting on each other’s shoulders? a) Olympic gold medal b) Nobel Peace Prize c) Cody Fashion Design Award [b) It’s the Nobel.]
• The chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific is – a) edible grubs b) rats c) bird droppings [c) If you’re in need of guano, Nauru’s just the ticket!]
BS TAG LINE: Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.