August 18, 2008

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Monday, August 18, 2008        Edition: #3838
Bull Works!

• Wed on the weekend: 50-year-old syndicated talk show host Ellen Degeneres & her 35-year-old longtime girlfriend, actress Portia De Rossi, in a private ceremony in the backyard of their Beverly Hills home SATURDAY evening. Just 19 guests watched as the couple read aloud their handwritten vows. (“I, wealthy show biz celebrity, take you, minor acting talent, to have to hold as long as you do as I say …”)
• More than 6,000 fans & locals crowded outside the funeral of movie actor/comedian Bernie Mac at the House of Hope church in Chicago on SATURDAY. Guests who made it inside included Chris Rock, Cedric the Entertainer, Rev Jesse Jackson, and Samuel L Jackson. His beloved Chicago White Sox presented his widow Rhonda with a jersey bearing his name and the number ‘1′. (She was hoping for season tickets.)
– Contact
• Actor Craig Robinson (warehouse boss ‘Darryl Philbin’ on “The Office”, ‘Matheson’ in “Pineapple Express”) has been arrested in Culver City CA and charged with being under the influence of illegal drugs, as well as possession of ecstasy and methamphetamine. He’s been released on bail and is due to appear in court AUGUST 21st. (What do you bet there’s a new foreman downstairs at “The Office” THIS FALL?)
– Associated Press
• It seems the off-screen relationship between castmates Blake Lively & Penn Badgley is starting to wear on the rest of the “Gossip Girl” (CW) cast and crew. One insider says people are ‘getting sick of watching them suck face during and between scenes’. (Hey you two, get a trailer!)
– “Life & Style”
• Actor Mike Myers is getting a chance to bounce back from his “Love Guru” fiasco by joining the cast of Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming war film, “Inglorious Bastards”. Myers will play a British military mastermind who helps hatch a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders. Brad Pitt also recently committed to star in the film. (The plot sounds kind of iffy … unless they add in a scene where Uma Thurman takes a hypo to the heart.)
• Despite a recent impassioned speech urging curvy women to ‘show off their bodies’ and ‘be proud of how you look’, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (“The Ghost Whisperer”) has dropped a whopping 18 lbs in just 10 weeks. (We’re guessing those candid shots of her cottage cheese thighs in the tabloids had more impact than she let on.)
– “Us Weekly”
• Matthew Fox is king of the island! He’ll now be making $225,000 per episode on “Lost” (ABC), up from the paltry 150 he struggled to live on beforehand. The rest of the show’s core cast are still in the process of renegotiating their deals. Production on the series’ 5th season gets underway TODAY. (As soon as they can wipe that smile off Matt’s face.)
– “Hollywood Reporter”

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Mary J Blige guests.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Avril Lavigne is on.

• Big & Rich – John Rich’s music video, “Raisin’ McCain”, will be featured during the Republican National Convention taking place SEPTEMBER 1-4 in Minneapolis MN.
• John Mayer – He claims 20% of us are simply too ‘wussy’ to get out of relationships that don’t work. Apparently not him. He says he split with Jennifer Aniston ‘to be alone’ and because he doesn’t want to ‘waste someone’s time’. (Their relationship certainly wasted lots of ours.)
• Katy Perry – Her own mother, evangelist Mary Hudson, describes Katy’s summer hit “I Kissed a Girl” as ‘shameful and disgusting’ and says she’s disappointed in her daughter for ‘promoting a sin’. In fact, when the tune comes on the radio, mom says she ‘bows her head and prays’.
• Madonna – Her 50th birthday party turned out to be a surprise bash at Volstead, a private nightclub in London’s West End. About 90 guests showed up,  including her 3 kids who snuck in the back door. Thousands of red roses were everywhere, and the head table featured a caviar-filled crystal ball. Sushi, quail eggs, watermelon martinis, and giant bottles of Krug Rosé champagne were served. Word has it the shindig lasted until 3 am SUNDAY.
• My Chemical Romance – How do you follow the success of “The Black Parade”? Apparently by taking time off. The band is going on hiatus to pursue other projects. Frontman Gerard Way, for instance, is working on his comic book series, “The Umbrella Academy”. Guitarist Frank Iero is starting a new band called Leathermouth.
• Pharrell Williams – He’s teamed with design house Domeau & Peres to create the new ‘Perspective Chair’ for furniture lovers who want something a bit different. It’s set to hit the market early NEXT YEAR for circa $3,000.

5. “Baywatch” opening credits, featuring bouncing bikinis (1989–2001).
4. Chris Isaak’s roll-in-the-sand “Wicked Game” video (1991).
3. Elvis ‘the Pelvis’ Presley performing on the “Ed Sullivan Show” (1956).
2. Britney Spears’ undress to impress at the 2000 “MTV Video Music Awards”.
1. Madonna performing “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 “MTV Video Music Awards”.
– “Blender Magazine”

Studies show that many people still believe that aerosols destroy the environment. According to the Consumer Aerosol Products Council, 2008 marks the 30th anniversary of the banning of ozone-depleting aerosol chlorofluorocarbon propellants. Deodorants, hair sprays and other aerosol products now contain only ozone-friendly ‘hydrocarbons’. (Which only cause baldness, constipation and persistent itching.)

Experts say these 5 ‘smart excuses’ will help you skip work and just maybe save your sanity …
• “I’ve earned it.“ – No one can argue with performance. Even if you’re not a slacker, odds are the boss will give you a day off now and again.
• “I’m playing golf with a client.” – A good excuse for those in sales and marketing, but you have to meet with the client … not just say you did.
• “I have a doctor’s appointment.” – Make the appointment first thing in the morning or late in the afternoon to shorten up your work day.
• “I have cramps.” – Who’s to argue? But don’t use this one if you’re a guy. It’ll never work.
• “I’m working from home.” – An excellent way to give yourself a break if your company allows it. You can not only shorten your day but also avoid commuting time.
Experts say vague excuses such as “I have a personal emergency” are not recommended. Above all, they warn that, no matter what excuse you use, you should not lie. If you get caught, your boss will never trust you again.

You think you have gridlock in your town? Officials in Viana do Castelo, Portugal wanted to show how congested local traffic was so they ran a mile-plus race between a Porsche and … a donkey. You guessed it; the 7-year-old donkey named ‘Tironi’ won! (This could work as a morning show stunt using a tricycle, a turtle … maybe a slug?)

5. Nobel Prize-winning geneticist Francis Crick discovers the secrets of DNA while tripping on LSD.
4. Sigmund Freud creates the world’s most famous form of psychoanalysis based on what he learned during his love affair with cocaine.
3. Pharmacist (and cokehead) John Pemberton invents the world’s most popular soft-drink, Coca-Cola.
2. MLB baseball pitcher Dock Ellis pitches a rare no-hitter while peaking on acid.
1. Moses transcribes the 10 Commandments after eating magic mushrooms. (Admittedly that might not be historically accurate, but there is much evidence that ancient Israelites regularly used 2 different types of psychoactive plants in their religious ceremonies, so it can’t be completely ruled out.)

Why does it always seem to be women who complain about the A/C being set to cool in the office? Researchers say there may be several reasons: women’s blood vessels constrict more than men’s, so their skin’s surface is colder; women have less hairy skin than men; and – perhaps most importantly – women don’t wear socks to work.
– “Denver Post”

Highlights of a recent poll on what we eat; when we eat; and when we don’t …
• 65% of Canadians snack on fruit.
• 63% of Canadians say dinner is our ‘favorite meal of the day’.
• 60% of Canadians snack in the evening.
• 48% of Canadians snack on chips.
• 44% of Canadians skip eating a breakfast meal.
• 37% of Canadians say we feel guilty when we snack.
• 7% of Canadians skip dinner.
• 5% of Canadians admit we are ‘almost always’ snacking on something.
– “Toronto Star”

Uruguay’s national anthem is the world’s longest at over 5 minutes (although Greece’s would be longer if all the verses were sung – it has 158 of them!). Qatar’s anthem is the shortest, at just 32 seconds. (More medals for Qatar, we say!)

1937 [71] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, movie director (“A River Runs Through It”)/movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”)/”Sundance Film Festival” founder (1978)

1952 [56] Patrick Swayze, Houston TX, movie actor (“Dirty Dancing”, “Ghost”)/vapid pop singer (“She’s Like the Wind”)/apparent cancer survivor

1955 [53] Steve Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”)/father of Tyler & Amanda

1957 [51] Denis Leary, Worcester MA, TV actor (“Rescue Me” since 2004)/movie actor (“Ice Age”, “The Thomas Crown Affair”)

1962 [46] Felipe Calderon, Morelia, Mexico, President of Mexico since 2006

1969 [39] Edward Norton, Columbia MD, movie actor (“The Incredible Hulk”, “The Illusionist”)

1969 [39] Christian Slater (Hawkins), NYC, movie actor (“Bobby”, “Broken Arrow”)/rehab regular

1977 [31] Régine Chassagne, St-Lambert QC, rock musician (Arcade Fire-“Keep the Car Running”, “Intervention”)/married to co-founder Win Butler

1981 [27] Jonathan Schneck, Eustis FL, CCM guitarist (Relient K-“Be My Escape”, “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been”)

• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school. (“So, you’re a poet but you don’t know it, Just try writing some verse but don’t be terse, And after it’s writ it will likely read like …”)

• “Discovery Day”, a statutory holiday in the Yukon celebrated annually on the MONDAY nearest AUGUST 17th to mark the 1896 discovery of gold on Rabbit Creek (later known as Bonanza Creek) which touched off the great “Klondike Gold Rush”.

2006 [02] Much-hyped horror movie “Snakes On a Plane”, starring Samuel L Jackson, opens in theaters … and promptly bombs

1998 [10] Lauryn Hill releases mega-hit album, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” (then soon completely disappears from view)

1859 [149] 1st to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope (40,000 watch Charles ‘The Great’ Blondin carry his manager on his back and hoist a stove on which he then cooks an omelette … 160 ft in the air!)

1900 [108] 1st use of the word ‘Television’ (some guy named Perskyi in France)

1922 [86] 1st ‘Caesar Salad’ is concocted in Tijuana, Mexico (named for ‘Caesar’s Restaurant’)

[Tues] Aviation Day
[Tues] Keith Urban releases repackaged “Greatest Hits: 19 Kids”
[Wed] Potato Day
[Wed] Radio Day
[Wed] “Rocker” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Spumoni Day

Aviation Week / American Dance Week / Freedom of Enterprise Week / Hot Lava Week / Religious Software Week

A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …

• The In-Law Javelin Throw
• The Snotput
• Topless Bungee Jumping
• Fingerpulling
• Pantsless Pole Vault
• Nostril Cheerio Shoot
• Synchronized Massage
• Dwarf Tossing
• Intergender Water Polo In the Dark
• Flaming Dodgeball
• 100-Meter Dash With a Fat Guy On Your Back
• Ron MacLean/Bob Costas Impersonations
(Ask listeners to make up more!)

Which is the dumbest actual Olympic event? (Synchronized diving? Rhythmic gymnastics?)

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day (award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about) …
• ‘Kalopsia’: The condition in which things appear more beautiful than they really are. (“Wow dude, I had way too many beers Saturday night at the club and suffered a bout of kalopsia around closing time.”).
– “Foyle’s Philavery: A Treasury of Unusual Words”

Free refills cost me my figure.

Today’s Question: Men, if you don’t do THIS, you are up to 30% more likely to have a heart attack.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Take a vacation.

If you’ve got part of it, flaunt that part.

BS salutes Rod Schween @ 99.1 The Drive [CHDR] Cranbook BC (year 16); and Les Askelson @ KVIK Decorah IA (year 14), both back for another full year of Sheet; and we welcome samplers this week that include Elle Fysha @ FixFM Chempaka, Malaysia; Gary Nolan @ The Eagle 93.9 [KSSZ] Columbia MO; Matt Porteous @ 101.3 The River [CKKN] Prince George BC; Finn Razo @ 87.7 Colors FM Singapore; Cherie Osgood @ Classic Hits 105.7 [WQAK] Union City TN; and Erol Ozlav @ Ans FM Athens, Greece.

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