February 27, 2008

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008        Edition: #3720
The Bovine Fecal Material Is About to Hit the Air Circulating Device!

‘Country Crossing’, a new country music resort that will include performance venues, hotels, and restaurants has received planning approval to be built near Dothan, Alabama (like Branson, Missouri – only even more remote) . . . Director Ethan Coen, co-Oscar winner with brother Joel for “No Country For Old Men”, will next see his trio of short plays, entitled “Almost an Evening”, remounted off-Broadway (it was a critical & popular hit when unveiled in a tiny NYC theater earlier THIS YEAR) . . . For this year’s theater season, Ontario’s “Stratford Shakespeare Festival” is offering normally pricey seats for $20-a-ticket, thanks to a new ‘TiXX’ online order program (you can choose from ‘nosebleed section’ or ‘upper nosebleed section’) . . . In a rambling post on her online blog, former singer/actress Courtney Love says she has her sights set on wooing studly screen stars Josh Hartnett and/or James McAvoy (yeah honey, you’d be a real catch – for ‘Air Bud’) . . . Double Oscar-nominee Cate Blanchett has been tapped to head up a government think-tank in her native Australia with the mandate of encouraging creativity in the arts . . . Asked which movie actor he’d picked to play him if a movie’s ever made about his life, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama selects Will Smith – because ‘he has the ears’ (and Cate Blanchett has that funny accent) . . . “Two & a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen lost the court battle with ex-wife Denise Richards to keep their kids off her upcoming reality TV show, then reportedly lost again when he called up the show’s co-producer, his friend Ryan Seacrest, asking that the project be cancelled (Ryan thinks Charlie’s too emotional – ‘after the break’) . . . And 28-year-old “Fool’s Gold” actress Kate Hudson says she normally walks around her house naked, a habit inspired by her 62-year-old mom Goldie Hawn & 56-year-old stepfather Kurt Russell (eww, how do we get that icky mental picture to go away?).

• Amy Winehouse – Word has it she’s planning to release her own clothing line. (For people who want to look like a drug addict. Will there be a beehive wig, too?)
• Dierks Bentley – The “Every Mile a Memory” country star is giving fans the chance to choose songs, photos, cover art, and the title for his upcoming greatest hits album. The first 3,000 participants will be listed as ‘executive producers’ in the liner notes.
NET: http://www.dierks.com/site.php?
• Dr Dre – The rapper/producer has just become an equity owner in the beverage firm Drinks Americas Holdings where he’ll first help launch a ‘super premium’ cognac & a sparkling vodka.
• Elton John – The soon-to-be-61 singer says he’s learned to harness his outrageous fashion sense because he’s now too old to wear flamboyant outfits.
• Kanye West – He’s reportedly lining up 50 Cent for a remix of his new single “Flashing Lights”. (So much for that much-publicized fake ‘feud’ a year ago.)
• Madonna – Her upcoming as-yet-untitled 11th studio album is described as ‘up-tempo dance club music with a hip-hop underlining’. Timbaland is co-producing.
• Motley Crue – According to Jon Holmes’ upcoming book, “Rock Star Babylon”, Tommy Lee & Nikki Sixx once staged a ‘personal hygiene strike’ to see if it would affect their groupie action. After 2 months of total non-bathing, the contest finally ended when a fan lost her lunch … during the act. (Didn’t think our esteem for Tommy could get any lower. We were wrong.)
• Van Halen – They’ve abruptly postponed concerts in Charlottesville NC & Atlanta GA. Rumor has it that young Wolfgang Van Halen was involved in an altercation in a bar, causing a heated argument amongst the band members.

• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS): Taut-faced oldies singer Barry Manilow is a guest.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS): Kenna performs music from his album, “Make Sure They See My Face”, accompanied by NERD.
• “Project Runway 4” (Bravo) – Part 1 of the 2 -part finalé. Spice Girls’ Victoria Beckham serves as a guest judge for the final shows, which were shot at the recent “New York Fashion Week”.
• Sean Combs – A court hearing will decide whether he has to disclose financial info for a lawsuit filed by a man who says he was assaulted. Combs’ deposition claims: “Any contact … was caused by his forward motion against my open hand.” (In other words, the victim’s head accidentally ran into Diddy’s fist.)
• Spice Girls – After wrapping their reunion tour LAST NIGHT at the ACC in Toronto, Melanie Chisholm visits both “MuchOnDemand” (MuchMusic) & “MTV Live” (MTV Canada) to promote her new solo single, “Carolyna”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC): Miley Cyrus performs (for all the 12-year-olds that are up after midnight).

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘He-vage’ – A variation of ‘heavage’, referring to male cleavage. The amount varies by the number of shirt buttons undone. Two buttons are just daring enough, according to men’s mag “GQ”.
• ‘Hic Lit’ – The tell-all autobiographies of drunks. This currently hot book category is a sub-genre of ‘Mis Lit’ (‘Misery Literature’).
• ‘Interdepartmental Liaison Facilitation’ – This is what you should now fill out on your expense chit if you had lunch with a work colleague. (“Staples for office stapler: $90. ILF: $187.”)
• ‘Slacklining’ – A new extreme sport that resembles tightrope walking, only the line is much slacker. Competitors are judged on the distance they travel and how many tricks they perform along the way.

• Amy Davis
Age: 25
Reminds Us Of: Movie actress Jessica Biel.
• Kady Malloy
Age: 18
Reminds Us Of: A hotter Carrie Underwood.
• Kristy Lee Cook
Age: 24
Reminds Us Of: Movie actress Kate Bosworth.
• Ramiele Malubay
Age: 20
Reminds Us Of: A tiny version of actress Kelly Hu.
– “Maxim”

• In Timisoara, Romania traffic cops have begun taking ballet lessons in order to make themselves ‘more graceful’. A total of 20 officers have enrolled for classes, with the goal of adding some elegance to their work as well as fluency to local traffic. (“We have a stalled vehicle backing things up on the Grand Boulevard this morning and over on Ceausescu Way … a pas de deux!”)
• In Milan, Italy thieves have made off with $20 million-worth of gems after breaking into a famous jewelry store. The heist at the Damiani showroom was like something out of a movie, with the gang spending a month tunneling in from an unused cellar next door. Damiani bosses, meanwhile, were busy hosting an Academy Awards party in Hollywood attended by the likes of Sharon Stone, Paris Hilton & Geena Davis. (It’s the real “Italian Job”!)
• In Budapest, Hungary a 36-year-old policewoman has been sacked after doing some explicit moonlighting. An eagle-eyed colleague spotted her in a hard-core movie, playing a dominatrix cop who uses her handcuffs & truncheon for ‘entertainment purposes’. After her superiors were informed, they promptly fired her for ‘bringing the force into disrepute’ and ‘misuse of the police uniform’. (“You can keep your cudgel, corporal. It’s been … er … ‘used’.”)
• In Genoa, Italy an armed robber who forced a female post office clerk to hand over all her money at gun point seemingly couldn’t get the young lady out of his head. The next day the 31-year-old romantic robber bought a large bouquet of flowers and returned to the scene of the crime to apologize and ask the 21-year-old clerk for a date. She not only declined but kept him talking while she activated a silent alarm. He was arrested minutes later. (Hell hath no fury  like a woman threatened with a handgun.)

New statistics show that there is now 1 cellphone for every 2 humans on Earth, more than 3.3 billion active cellphones on a planet of some 6.6 billion humans. This is the fastest global diffusion of any technology in human history, faster even than the polio vaccine. Google CEO Eric Schmidt predicts that eventually there will be 5 billion phones in use, more cellphone users than people who read & write. (Meaning every flippin’ customer in line at the supermarket will be yakking away instead of paying up and getting out of the way … oops, did I say that out loud?)
– “Washington Post”

5. “I’ll have what she’s having.” – Estelle Reiner, “When Harry Met Sally” (1989).
4. “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” – Judy Garland, “The Wizard of Oz” (1939).
3. “You had me at hello.” – Renée Zellweger, “Jerry Maguire” (1996).
2. “It’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the life in your men.” – Mae West, “I’m No Angel” (1933).
1. “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.” – Gloria Swanson, “Sunset Boulevard” (1950).
– “Glamour”

A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 75% of men & 66% of women admit to fantasizing about people in various uniforms.
• 50% of North Americans think it’s okay to live at home until your late 20s.
• 44% of cigarettes in America are now smoked by people with diagnosed mental disorders, including schizophrenics & alcoholics, according to the “Wall Street Journal”.
• 30% of men have cried while watching a sporting event.
• 29% of people who take a day off use the excuse that they have a sick child at home.
• 24% of employees say they hate it when a co-worker wears too much cologne or perfume.

A Detroit-area restaurant has broken the Guinness world record for ‘Largest Hamburger Commercially Available’. The 134-lb ‘Absolutely Ridiculous Burger’ at Mallie’s Sports Bar & Grill in Southgate MI was made with beef, bacon & cheese, and served up on a 50-lb bun. Price: $350. (Call ahead though … it takes 12 hours to make one.)
NET: http://www.malliesbar.com/
– “Detroit News“

• The Polish government is now offering Poles the chance to pay their taxes … in blood. Every donation to local blood banks allows taxpayers to write $60 off their bill. (Can you pay off ALL your taxes with … say … a kidney?)
– Ananova News
• A British study finds that antidepressants are only slightly more effective than placebos and are of use to only the severely depressed. (Just ask Owen Wilson.)
– “Radar”


1930 [78] Joanne Woodward, Thomasville GA, movie actress (Oscar-“The Three Faces of Eve”)/Mrs Paul Newman since 1958

1932 [76] Dame Elizabeth Taylor, London UK, movie star (Oscars-“Butterfield 8”, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times

1934 [74] Ralph Nader, Winsted CT, consumer advocate/2004 US presidential candidate (Green Party)

1959 [49] Johnny Van Zant, Jacksonville FL, country-rock singer (Van Zant-“Help Somebody”, Lynyrd Skynyrd [since its reformation in 1987]-“Sweet Home Alabama”)

1971 [37] Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)

1981 [27] Josh Groban, LA CA, pop singer/operatic baritone (“You Raise Me Up”, “The Prayer”)

• “Glory in Simple Artistic Achievements Day”. Something to do with posting your kid’s ‘fridge art’ perhaps?

• “International Polar Bear Day”, declared by non-profit conservation group Polar Bears International to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys of the Far North.
NET: http://www.polarbearsinternational.org

• “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought … a ‘no brainer’ activity. Like this show, for instance.

• “Read 5 Pages in the Dictionary Day”. Just think, if you do this each day for the rest of your life … you’ll be really boring.

1974 [34] “People” magazine debuts, devoted to celebrity & pop culture news (movie actress Mia Farrow is on the cover)

1827 [181] 1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans LA (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)

1987 [21] A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan skips rope together
160 times without missing for a new “Guinness World Record”

[Thurs] International Floral Design Day
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs] International Repetitive Strain Injuries Awareness Day
[Fri] Leap Year Day
[Fri] 2007 RSP deadline
[Fri] “The Other Boleyn Girl” and “Semi-Pro” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Telecommuter Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Sweet Potato Month


• Friends constantly saying, “No no, it’s okay really … we’ll catch a cab.”
• Terrible foot blisters from ‘Fred Flintstone’ braking system.
• Even dogs can’t bring themselves to use a tire.
• “Fill the oil, check the gas.”
• Has more miles on it than Courtney Love.

From now on, there can only be 2 awards shows per year. Which do you pick?

You run down the list while your guest/phone caller/crew member decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Have everyone think your partner is an idiot OR that he/she is just really, really ugly?
• As a man, have your grandmother’s first name OR her haircut?
• Age only from the neck up OR age only from the neck down?
• Vote for an honest but stupid politician OR a liar with tremendous savvy?
• Have a head twice the normal size OR have a head half the normal size?
• Listen to 24 hours of “The Flight Of the Bumblebee” OR watch ‘snowy’ TV static for 8 hours?
• Paint a large wall with a toothbrush OR do it with a spoon?
• Cut your own hair OR have it cut by an expert hairdresser who is blindfolded?
• Eat 10 live earthworms OR lay perfectly still for 1 hour in a box filled with them?
• Spend the rest of your life in a submarine OR spend the rest of your life in a space ship?

Greeting cards are for people who mean every word that someone else said.

Today’s Question: Women are 4 times more likely to do THIS than men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shoplift.

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

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