May 29, 2008

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Thursday, May 29, 2008        Edition: #3786
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

26-year-old “Spider-Man” actress Kirsten Dunst denies she’s dating actor Ryan Gosling and also that she checked into Cirque Lodge Rehab Center for alcohol abuse, claiming it was to treat depression (in rehab?) . . . 30-year-old actress Eva Mendes goes one better, contending she only checked into rehab in JANUARY to research a new movie role in “Queen Of the South”, in which she plays a drug lord (funny, at the time her rep said it was ‘personal issues’) . . . 39-year-old actress Jorja Fox is set to return to “CSI” THIS FALL (CBS/CTV) to resume her role as ‘Sara Sidle’, at least for the 9th season premiere, and it’s also been announced Gary Dourdan will be returning, a bit surprising considering ‘Warrick Brown’ was shot in the season finalé (and could be in real-life jail by then) . . . Actress Drea de Matteo, who won an Emmy Award for her performance on “The Sopranos”, is complaining that her stint on the short-lived Matt LeBlanc sitcom “Joey” essentially killed her career (naw, it’s cuz you’re 36 – too much mileage for Hollywood) . . . Actor Alec Baldwin and the producers of “30 Rock” (NBC) have yet to come to an agreement to keep him on the show past the middle of next season (he’ll be spouting off about the thoughtless little pigs anytime now) . . . says “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull” is the most mistake-ridden movie this year, with film fans spotting 40+ bloopers, including a US flag with an incorrect number of stars and a scene in which ‘Indy’s shirt appears tucked & then untucked in different camera shots . . . And Nationwide Insurance has just hired a star for a series of TV ads entitled “Life Comes at You Fast” – 2007 “American Idol” joke Sanjaya Malakar (his nickname should be ‘Bad Penny’).

• “Last Comic Standing” (NBC/Global) – “The Office’s” Angela Kinsey & Oscar Nunez take a break from their accounting duties to judge the Los Angeles auditions.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Alicia Keys (“No One”) is onstage. She says that next time she records a duet, she wants it to be with Jack White (White Stripes/Raconteurs) or maybe Queens Of the Stone Age. (Uh, what’s she on these days?)
• “Lost” (ABC/CTV) – The 2-hour finalé entitled “There’s No Place Like Home” promises to reveal how the ‘Oceanic 6′ made it off the island.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – “American Idol” David Cook and runner-up David Archuleta are on. (Are you sick of seeing smirky yet?)
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Former “American Idol” runner-up Clay Aiken promotes his new album “On My Way Here”. Thanks to a whoops! booking, he’s also on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) … at the same time.

• Alanis Morissete – The 34-year-old says she wants to have a family before she hits 40 and will consider adoption. Since splitting with fiancé Ryan Reynolds LAST YEAR, she’s been dating an unnamed lawyer.
• Celine Dion – “Palm Beach Post” reports that her 5.7-acre estate on Jupiter Island is the biggest water utility user along Florida’s ‘Treasure Coast’, consuming 6.5 million gallons in a year … enough to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every 4 minutes.
• Carrie Underwood – She says she’s now single because she simply has no time for a boyfriend. (Especially no-good Tony Romo who dumped her for that bad singing Simpson hussy.)
• Duffy – She says her trademark husky voice is at least partially due to her older sister blindfolding her at age 4 and chasing her around until she fell … and broke her nose.
• Peter, Bjorn & John – The Swedish group has 2 new albums on the go and frontman Peter Moran says there’s just one important ground rule … no whistling! (Seems even they’re sick of “Young Folks”.)
• R Kelly – His former personal assistant has now ‘110%’ identified him as the man in the explicit videotape at the center of his Chicago trial.
• Rihanna – She says she sometimes wears her raunchy stage outfits at home … when she’s in the mood.
• Weezer – Their “Pork & Beans” video has now attracted 3 million-plus views on YouTube.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• Hugh Hefner Biopic – Robert Downey Jr, experiencing a career surge thanks to the success of “Iron Man”, is in talks to portray the “Playboy” founder in an as-yet-untitled movie about his life. A rep says Downey’s interested but unlikely to commit until the script’s finished and a director is named.
• “Inglorious Bastards” – Director Quentin Tarantino has just finished the first draft of a screenplay for a WWII flick expected NEXT YEAR, the story of a group of misfit soldiers that agree to a suicide mission deep in Nazi territory instead of a firing squad. The film is said to be an ‘homage’ to classic guys ‘n guns flicks such as “The Great Escape” and “The Dirty Dozen”.
• “King Lear” – British actress Keira Knightley (“Atonement”) will play ‘Cordelia’ in a new Hollywood adaptation of the Shakespearian play. Gwyneth Paltrow is tipped to take the role of ‘Regan’, the king’s treacherous middle daughter, and Anthony Hopkins will star in the title role.
• “Prince of Persia” – Jake Gyllenhaal has been signed as the lead in the new Disney adaptation of the hit videogame. He’ll play 6th-Century prince ‘Dastan’ opposite British actress Gemma Arterton (“Quantum of Solace”), who’ll play the feisty princess ‘Tamina’. Production is set to begin in Morocco and London in JULY for a likely release in Summer 2009.
• “Up In the Air” – “Juno” director Jason Reitman will take on a screen adaptation of this satirical novel by Walter Kirn. The story lampoons corporate culture and follows a consultant who specializes in ‘career transition counseling’ (BS translation: firing people). No casting has been announced as yet.

Researchers at the University of Illinois’ College of Dentistry have found that compounds in tea can slow the growth of bacteria in our mouths, the primary cause of bad breath. The magic ingredients are antioxidants found in both green and black teas. These so-called polyphenols not only prevent bacteria that causes halitosis, but also stop an enzyme that causes the formation of hydrogen sulfide … the ultimate cause of rotten breath. (Forget the Mentos, keep some Earl Grey in your pocket!)

Max Motors car dealership in Butler, Missouri has a hot sales gimmick … a free handgun with every purchase! Owner Mark Muller says he’s ‘damn glad to live in a free country where you can have a gun if you want to’. During the first 3 days of the promotion, he sold more than 30 vehicles. If buyers don’t want a gun, they can instead choose a gas card but Muller says no one has … except for ‘one guy from Canada and some old guy’. (You know it’s a small town when the car dealer sells Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, Chrysler, Dodge, Ford, Jeep & Pontiac … no BS!)
PHONER: 866-413-3513 (Todd Sommer, Internet Sales Manager)

Divorced South Carolina mom Sheila Butler has invented the ‘Kids In Motion Planner’ for children of estranged parents to carry around, so whichever spouse they happen to be with can check where junior needs to be for lessons, practices, appointments, etc. The weekly planner also has space for comments so former spouses who aren’t speaking can communicate. (There’s something incredibly sad about a kids’ planner with a column labeled ‘Who Am I With Today?.)
– “Charleston Post & Courier”

Useful words from around-the-world that have no English-language equivalent …
• ‘Attaccabottoni’ (Italy): Literally a ‘buttonholer’. It describes someone who corners casual acquaintances or even strangers for the purpose of telling them their miserable life stories.
• ‘Backpfeifengesicht’ (Germany): A face that’s just begging for somebody to put a fist in it.
• ‘Fucha’ (Poland): Using your employer’s time and resources for your own purposes.
• ‘Gorrero’ (Spain): Someone who never, ever picks up the tab.
• ‘Modré Pondeli’ (Czech): ‘Blue Monday’, when you ditch work to give yourself a 3-day weekend.
• ‘Mokita’ (New Guinea): The truth that everyone knows, but no one will speak about.
• ‘Razbliuto’ (Russia): The feeling you have for a person you used to love, but don’t anymore.
• ‘Rujuk’ (Indonesia): To remarry your ex-wife.
• ‘Shitta’ (Iran): Leftover dinner that’s eaten for breakfast. Pizza, anyone?
• ‘Tartle’ (Scotland): To momentarily forget the name of the person you’re talking to. (“Oops sorry, I tartled there for a moment.”)
– “Uncle John’s Wonderful World of Odd”

According to researchers, fasting before a long flight may help prevent jet lag. The body’s natural clock dictates when to wake up, eat, and sleep. A second clock takes over when food is scarce, so manipulating this clock might help travelers adjust to new time zones. (That way, you not only arrive tired … you’re tired and STARVING.)
– “Cosmopolitan”

Actual new pooch products on the market …
• A little black Deni Alexander cocktail dress for doggies … $200. Or if it’s the really big day, a custom-made cream satin taffeta wedding gown … priceless.
• A GPS-enabled collar, so the owner can track the canine’s location within a radius of 1 mile. It’s called … ‘RoamEO’.
• A 52-carat, 1,600-diamond jeweled collar, the world’s most expensive at $1.8-million. (Or 2 for 3-and-a-half mill.)
– “Modern Dog Magazine”

• You are more liable to snore if you’re over 40. Recent studies show 41% of men and 28% of women over 40 are honkers, and the rate increases with age. (Save those odd socks you find in the laundry … you’re gonna need ‘em!)
• A recent study reveals that if you dine with 1 other person, you eat about 35% more than you would if you were alone. In a party of 4, you’re likely to eat 75% more calories than you would solo. (And we all know that 100 wedding guests will mow down like there’s no tomorrow.)
• Scientists estimate 500 cubic feet of air pass through your nose every day. (And just think … it’s already passed through thousands of other people’s noses!)


1958 [50] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, movie actress (“Running With Scissors”, “American Beauty”)/Mrs Warren Beatty since 1992

1959 [49] Rupert Everett, Norfolk UK, movie actor (“Shrek” series, “My Best Friend’s Wedding”)

1961 [47] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, classic rock singer (“I’m the Only One”, “I Want to Come Over”)

1967 [41] Noel Gallagher, Manchester UK, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-“Don’t Look Back in Anger”, “Wonderwall”)/Liam Gallagher’s slightly less obnoxious brother

1975 [33] Melanie Brown, Leeds UK, pop singer (‘Scary Spice’-Spice Girls)/reality TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2007)/former Eddie Murphy girlfriend

1978 [30] Pelle Almqvist, Fagersta, Sweden, rock singer/bassist (The Hives-“Hate to Say I Told You So”, “Main Offender”)

“Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day” in England, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig (because wearing the whole tree is considered ostentatious). The current Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children he was denigrated as the ‘Father of his People’.

1992 [16] Bill Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” hits #1 (2nd-worst thing he inflicted on the world)

1900 [108] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’ (last year when the power went out, [co-host] was stuck on an escalator for 7 hours!)

1953 [55] Sherpa guide Tenzing Norkay allows his boss Sir Edmund Hillary to become 1st to stand atop Mt Everest (or at least the first to get media attention)

1988 [20] ‘Longest Knitted Scarf’ completed … 20 miles, 13 feet (grandma just got carried away)

1993 [15] Wayne Gretzky gets a hat-trick for an NHL record 8th time in a playoff career as LA Kings beat Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 to advance to the Stanley Cup final

1996 [12] Odd record set for ‘Longest Names of 2 Starting Pitchers in a Single MLB Game’ (San Francisco Giant William Van Landingham & NY Met Jason Isringhausen … 37 letters)

[Fri] “Sex & the City: The Movie” opens in movie theaters (late-night TONIGHT in selected theaters)
[Sat] Save Your Hearing Day
[Sat] Macaroon Day
[Sat] World No-Tobacco Day
This Week Is … Cover the Uninsured Week
This Month Is … Foster Care Month


You run down the list while a caller/studio guest/crew member rates each item as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …
• The release of a new ‘James Bond’ novel.
• Toothpaste with baking soda.
• Those little smiley face ads on websites that keep saying ‘Heh-loooo!”.
• Electric cars.
• Downloadable audio books.
• Another ‘Indiana Jones’ movie after “Crystal Skull”.
• Plug-in air fresheners
• Sunglasses with built-in MP3 player.
• Text message speak.
• Ketchup-flavored chewing gum.

• The pattern on your shorts and your couch match.
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
• You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.
• Grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• Jogging is something you do to your memory.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights. (As in a funeral procession.)

What’s in the 3rd-drawer-down in your kitchen?

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Today’s Question: You are for more likely to develop wrinkles if you do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sleep on your stomach.

A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “The Bull Sheet”!

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