May 28 2021

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Friday, May 28, 2021 — Edition: #6996

Have a Sheety Weekend!


★ ‘James Bond’ producers have vowed to keep the iconic British spy in movie theaters, despite streaming giant Amazon’s $8.45 billion acquisition of 007 studio MGM. In a statement, Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson, who also run London’s Elon Productions (the stewards of the film series), said they “are committed to continuing to make James Bond films for the worldwide theatrical audience.” It’s still unknown how long a theatrical window the films will have before eventually landing on Amazon Prime Video, but it is clear that Daniel Craig’s swan song as Bond, “No Time to Die,” is on track to hit theaters on Oct. 8.
★ NBCUniversal has already found its replacement for Ellen DeGeneres’ time slot when she exits daytime TV next year. Starting in fall 2022, “The Kelly Clarkson Show” will take over the afternoon time slot — 3 p.m. in most markets — that has been held by “Ellen.” Clarkson’s show, which is in its second season, is currently renewed through 2023. Clarkson has been nipping at “Ellen’s” heels in syndicated TV ratings for the last year. The move also sets up “Kelly Clarkson” to be used as a launch pad for a potential daytime newcomer next year, as NBC stations will still need to fill the void left by “Ellen’s” departure.
★ Dan and Eugene Levy have written a “Schitt’s Creek” book celebrating all 6 seasons of the show, the characters and the town. Due for release on Oct. 26, “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: The Story Of Schitt’s Creek” is a keepsake coffee table book that includes character profiles, behind-the-scenes moments and a comprehensive catalogue of Moira’s wigs. The book’s 368 pages include major moments like Moira’s fruit wine commercial, David and Patrick’s first kiss, the Cabaret performance and the Christmas episode.
★ It looks like Jennifer Lopez is building herself a dream man. She’s turning her rumored new beau, Ben Affleck, back into the hunky man he once was. According to sources, she’s getting him to hit the gym and quit smoking. OK magazine reported an insider as saying: “Jennifer is a fitness frantic. You don’t get to look as great as Jen at 51 without extreme discipline. A healthy lifestyle isn’t just a part of her life, it is her life — and any man who wants to be part of her world needs to join her, or kiss her goodbye.”


• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Shaquille O’Neal, Patton Oswalt, Chase Rice (R)
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Julianne Moore, Dave Bautista, Twenty One Pilots
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Sen. Bernie Sanders, Cue Card Wally, Brian Frasier-Moore (R)
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Naomi Watts, FINNEAS (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Stacey Abrams (R)
• “The Talk” (CBS): Michael Douglas, guest co-hosts Jerry O’Connell & Lana Parrilla
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Elizabeth Banks, Greg Baxstrom, a performance from an “American Idol” fan favorite chosen by viewers.
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Matthew McConaughey, Jon Dorenbos, guest hosts Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (Check local listings): Michelle Obama, Jared Leto (R)
• “The Drew Barrymore Show” (Check local listings): Best of surprises: Robyn Schall, Jennifer Garner, Kathie Lee Gifford
• “Lavell Crawford: The Comedy Vaccine” (SHOWCASE): The comic performs his 5th stand-up special in Tempe AZ, offering his views on mask culture, fatherhood and why 2020 was the best year to fart in public.
• “One Voice: The Songs We Share” (PBS): Broadway showtunes transcend their original genre when recorded by the Rat Pack, Johnny Mathis and other artists apart from the theater.

• “Oslo” (HBO): The story of the back-channel negotiations between the development of the 1990s Oslo Peace Accords between Israel and the Palestinian Liberation Organization.
• “Daddy’s Perfect Little Girl” (LIFETIME): A 12-year-old becomes jealous when her adoptive father develops a budding relationship with a woman and her teenage son.

• “National Memorial Day Concert 2021” (PBS): The 32nd annual concert honoring the men and women of the U.S. armed forces, featuring a tribute to the nurses of Vietnam, the 70th anniversary of the Korean War, and the 20th anniversary of Sept. 11.
• “Tulsa Burning: The 1921 Race Massacre” (HISTORY): An in-depth, look at the tragic events of a century ago, focusing on a specific period: From the birth of Black Wall Street to its catastrophic downfall over the course of 2 bloody days, and finally the fallout and reconstruction.

• Katy Perry – plans to pass down her wardrobe to her daughter. She says she’s already thinking about which pieces from her closet she wants to save for her and fiancé Orlando Bloom’s 9-month-old, Daisy Dove, when she is older. On the other hand, as she told PopSugar: “[Daisy will] probably just be goth, and like, ‘No, Mom. Thanks.'”
• Benny Blanco, Halsey, Khalid and Ed Sheeran — are being sued for copyright infringement over ‘Eastside’. Songwriters Konstantine Lois and Shane Williams claim Blanco’s 2018 hit, including featured artists Halsey and Khalid, and co-writer Sheeran, copied their 2015 song ‘Loveless’ by Shane’s group American XO.
• J. Cole – His “The Off-Season” is #1 on this week’s Billboard 200 albums chart. That’s his 6th album to reach the top. The Off-Season was released on May 14 and has also earned this year’s largest streaming week for any album.
• Aerosmith – guitarist Joe Perry has contributed 5 songs to the Brad Furman-directed “City of Lies” film. Released earlier this year in theaters and VOD and starring Perry’s Hollywood Vampires bandmate Johnny Depp, City of Lies is due out on Blu-ray and DVD June 8.
• Iron Maiden – Frontman Bruce Dickinson has revealed he underwent hip replacement surgery after being diagnosed with osteoarthritis. Dickinson, who is known for his energetic live performances, says he was in agony on the band’s “Legacy of the Beast World Tour”, which began in 2018.
• Florida Georgia Line – have announced their “I Love My Country Tour 2021”, with openers Russell Dickerson, Lauren Alaina, and Redferrin. The tour begins Sept. 24 in Atlanta, and includes 29 stops, concluding Nov. 20 in Seattle.
• Wynonna — is the latest artist to launch a line of CBD products. Her Wynonna cannabidiol line was developed in partnership with Nashville-based company CeleBriDy Brands. Other artists including Willie Nelson, Jay-Z, and John Legend have launched cannabis lines in recent years. LINK:
• Shania Twain – has announced 14 new dates for her “Shania Twain Let’s Go! The Residency” at the Zappos Theater inside Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. The shows will take place Dec. 2 – 12, and Feb. 11 – 26, 2022, including a special Valentine’s Day performance. One dollar from every ticket purchased will go to Shania Kids Can, Twain’s charity to help kids facing poverty and crises.


A team of scientists claim they have been able to calculate the maximum lifespan a human will ever achieve. Experts in biology and biophysics used an artificial intelligence system to crunch through the medical data of hundreds of thousands of volunteers to create an app that they say can accurately estimate the rate of biological ageing and maximum lifespan. The researchers from Gero, a Singapore-based biotech company and Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center in Buffalo, NY, say this system pinpointed 150 years as the longest-possible any human is ever likely to live. They determined that at around ages 120-150, humans would experience “a complete loss of human body resilience,” or the ability to recover from physiological stresses, signifying the absolute limit of human lifespan.
(Or, as I like to call it, Sunday morning!)
(My grandfather says if you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you’ll live forever. And every day, he tries to figure out how much that is…)
(Judging by THAT description, my knees have already reached that age…)

➢ A 9-year-old boy was paid handsomely for his work washing the family SUV: He found $5,000 in cash inside. Landon Melvin was cleaning out the Chevy Suburban in Plainfield, Indiana when he found an envelope under a floor mat containing the money. The Melvins contacted the vehicle’s previous owners, a South Carolina family, who told them they had driven the Suburban to Florida for a cruise in 2019 and had misplaced the envelope during the trip. They insisted that Landon keep $1,000 as a finder’s fee. (As long as he promises not to get the police involved…)
➢ A man has bought an entire soccer (football) team so he and his son can play in official matches. 35-year-old entrepreneur He Shihua recently became the major shareholder of Zibo Cuju Football Club, a team in the second division (China League One). Now, both Shihua and his 126-kg-heavy (278 lb) son are a part of the team, even though their skills aren’t exactly up to par. And so far, the duo hasn’t proven its worth, as Zibo Cuju is last in the league, with just 1 point in 5 games. (But their teammates aren’t complaining…not if they want to keep their jobs, at least!)
-TheNewspaper, OddityCentral

Canada is the most-likely candidate to become the first cashless country in the world. A study by ranked countries based on contactless payment limits, the number of major e-wallet operators, the number of ATMs per 100,000 adults and the percentage of the population with a debit and/or credit card. With a score of 79.1 out of 100, Canada was also named the world’s most cashless economy right now. (I’ve been cashless for years. Take that anyway you want!)


1944 [77] Gladys Knight, Oglethorpe GA, soul singer (Gladys Knight & the Pips-‘Midnight Train to Georgia’, ‘If I Were Your Woman’)

1945 [76] John Fogerty, Berkeley CA, rock singer/guitarist (‘Centerfield’, w/CCR-‘Proud Mary’, ‘Lookin’ Out My Back Door’)

1964 [57] Phil Vassar, Lynchburg VA, country singer-songwriter (‘Just Another Day in Paradise’, ‘In a Real Love’)

1968 [53] Kylie Minogue, Melbourne Australia, pop singer (‘The Locomotion’, ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’)/movie actress (“Moulin Rouge”)

1977 [44] Elisabeth Hasselbeck (Filarski), Cranston RI, TV co-host (“FOX & Friends” 2013-15, “The View” 2003-13)/reality TV contestant (“Survivor: The Australian Outback” 2001)

1978 [43] Jake Johnson, Evanston IL, TV actor (‘Nick Miller’ on “New Girl” 2011-18)

1985 [36] Colbie Caillat, Newbury Park CA, pop singer (‘Brighter Than the Sun’, ‘Bubbly’)

1985 [36] Carey Mulligan, London UK, movie actress (“The Great Gatsby”, “Drive”)

SATURDAY- Danny Elfman (“The Nightmare Before Christmas”) is 68; Annette Bening (“American Beauty”) is 63; La Toya Jackson (‘Just Say No’) is 65; Melissa Etheridge (‘Come to My Window’) is 60; Noel Gallagher (Oasis) is 54; Melanie B (Spice Girls) is 46; Daniel Tosh (“Tosh.0”) is 46; Laverne Cox (“Orange Is the New Black”) is 37; Riley Keough (“Mad Max: Fury Road”) is 32

SUNDAY- Wynonna Judd (The Judds) is 57; Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine) is 57; Idina Menzel (“Frozen”) is 50; John Ross Bowie (“Speechless”) is 50; Cee-Lo Green (‘Forget You’) is 46

• “Hamburger Day”, a day to celebrate one of the cornerstone foods of Western civilization – the hamburger! While it was invented in Germany, its popularity spread like wildfire throughout the US and Canada. (What burger topping can you absolutely NOT do without? And what one is a dealbreaker?)
• “Amnesty International Day”, commemorating the 1961 launch of ‘Appeal for Amnesty’ which evolved into today’s “AI”. The organization strives to protect human rights around-the-world by publicizing problems and encouraging citizens and governments to take action.
• “Brisket Day”, brisket is a tricky meat in that it comes from the animal tough, but if you find a particularly well-marbled piece and cook it correctly, it will become fork-soft and simply peel apart, making it the tenderest of tender meats. (Whoops! Drooled just a bit there…)
• “Slugs Return From Capistrano Day”, the slugs that have been living in the beautiful Mission San Juan Capistrano leave their winter haven and go back to the gardens and yards they came from. The holiday is a parody of “Swallows Return to Capistrano” or “Swallows Day” in March, when swallows migrate to Capistrano.

• “International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers”, observed on the anniversary of the first deployment of UN Peacekeeping Forces, in 1948, in the Middle East.
• “Learn About Composting Day”, a great excuse to go green and help the environment. (I refuse to work with compost. It’s degrading…)
• “Paper Clip Day”, yes, even the paperclip has its own day. (Really, a paper clip is just a stapler for people with commitment issues…)
• “Coq Au Vin Day”, Coq au vin (translates to “rooster with wine”) is French braise of chicken, cooked with wine, lardons (salt pork), mushrooms and garlic.
• “Biscuit Day”, American biscuits are small crusty bread rolls, often served at breakfast or as a side dish. However, in the UK, the word “biscuit” is used for flat sweet treats which are known as “cookies” in North America. (And don’t even get me STARTED on dog biscuits…)

• “Mint Julep Day”, celebrating the delicious and refreshing Summer cocktail made with bourbon whiskey, mint, water, and sugar. Sounds best if you order one using a Southern accent.
• “Water a Flower Day”, because nourishing a little bit of natural beauty might be the only truly worthwhile thing you do all day. (No, Rover! Stop!)
• “World MS Day”, the Multiple Sclerosis International Federation’s annual campaign to raise awareness of the condition, and to support and connect the 2.3 million people living with it.
• “National Creativity Day”, whether you’re an artist, writer, musician, filmmaker, blogger, photographer, graphic artist, or any of 100 other creative personalities, today we celebrate you and your creative pursuit. (My creativity peaked with a macaroni necklace in kindergarten.)
• “Hole in My Bucket Day”, this wacky holiday is in honor of the fun children’s song ‘There’s a Hole in My Bucket’. (Yup. Slow day.)

1998 [23] Actor/comedian Phil Hartman (“SNL”) is murdered by his wife while sleeping at age 49

2010 [11] Gary Coleman, former child star of 1970s TV sitcom “Diff’rent Strokes”, dies at 42 in Provo, Utah, 2 days after suffering a brain hemorrhage

2014 [07] Maya Angelou, author of “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” and many other works, dies of natural causes at age 86 at her home in Winston-Salem NC

2007 [15] The Police set aside their differences and launch their first tour since 1986 in Vancouver. Despite some clashes along the way, the tour lasts over a year, selling 3.3 million tickets in 151 shows.

2014 [07] Apple pays $3 billion for Beats Electronics, the music company and headphone-maker started by music producer Jimmy Iovine and rap artist Dr. Dre

2006 [15] Barry Bonds hits his 715th career home run, passing Babe Ruth on the MLB all-time list. (With a huge asterisk…)

1934 [87] Near Callander, Ontario, the Dionne quintuplets are born to Olivia and Elzire Dionne, the first quints to survive infancy

2002 [19] The ‘Mars Odyssey’ robotic spacecraft finds signs of large ice deposits on Mars

1987 [34] Paul Pearman jumps over 21 barrels … on a skateboard (Augusta GA)


✓ The standard way for Russians to answer the telephone is: “I’m listening”.
✓ Mercury thermometers are useless in Antarctica be cause it is so cold that the mercury freezes.
✓ Besides black and yellow, bees can also be red, green and blue.
✓ Australia’s tallest mountain, Mt. Kosciuszko, and largest city, Sydney, are both named for men who never visited Australia.
✓ The Comic Sans font, created in 1994, was inspired by “Batman” and “Watchmen” comic books.
✓ A plastic knife cuts brownies more smoothly than a metal knife.

Best of BS . . .
• You can no longer see in the neighbors’ bedroom window … their 2nd-floor bedroom window.
• You’re reading a new how-to book called ‘Inexpensive Lawn Care Through Asphalt’.
• You have to keep the dog on a leash in the backyard or you lose sight of him.
• Postal workers use a machete to deliver your mail.
• Your landscaping consultant recommends use of an upside-down helicopter.
• To get the newspaper, you have to organize a search team.
• You bump into something on the way out to the car and realize it’s the kids’ swing set.
• The kids went out to play in the backyard on Friday after dinner and by Sunday at noon, there is still no sign of them.
• You start to hear growling sounds similar to the ones on the National Geographic special on the Savannas.
• The mailman has woven the grass over the sidewalk into an artistic arch so he can get to the front door.
• You see your kids laying down a trail of bread crumbs as they leave the house.
-First published in BS in 2010

• From Here To Paternity
• Gone With The Next Door Neighbor
• You’ve Got Mail Order Bride
• The MILF on the Shelf: A Christmas Love Story
• Burning Sensation
• “Keep the Change” and Other Date-Night Whispers
• For God’s Sake Just Rip His Shirt Off And Spare Us The 180 Pages Of Butt-Clenchingly Turgid Prose Leading Up To The Deed
-Twitter, first published in BS in 2020

➠ A survey shows that men take more selfies than women. (The survey was conducted by carefully polling men and women around the world . . . and then completely ignoring the Kardashian Family.)
➠ Shanghai has been named the most expensive city in the world. (The most expensive city, of course, is not to be confused with the world’s most LOADED city, which is wherever Gary Busey is located right now…)
➠ A report has linked binge-watching television to depression and loneliness. (At least according to a fascinating article I read while sitting through my 18th straight hour of old “Arrested Development” episodes and tearfully microwaving a Salisbury steak for one…)
➠ A large chunk of ice fell from the sky through a Florida home’s roof and authorities have no clue where it came from. (Sadly, that’s the LEAST strange thing that happened in Florida that day…)
➠ 14% of men have casual sex to get over a breakup. (The remaining 86% broke up because they were having casual sex…)

This changes everything:

The weekend is almost here. Where’s YOUR happy place?

The weekend is here! Sleep until you’re hungry, then eat until you’re sleepy.

Question:  Studies show most people remember THIS more vividly than their first kiss. What is it?
Answer:  Their first car

Happiness is where we find it, but very rarely where we seek it.


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