You Sound Like Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ Will Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian star in their own reality series after a quickie wedding? The couple announced their engagement last week and are said to be hoping to tie the knot soon. Rob hasn’t appeared on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” since 2014, but word has it the couple is being offered big money to film their wedding and star in a new reality show. They’re said to be considering an offer of between $150,000-$200,000 per episode … each. A wedding day episode could pay $500,000 apiece.
★ Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin infamously had a ‘conscious uncoupling’ 2 years ago and Gwyneth is now saying she believes they are better off being friends than being married. The pair has been able to maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of children Apple (11) and Moses (10). Quote: “It’s like we are still a family, but not a couple.” Martin has most recently been linked to “Peaky Blinders” actress Annabelle Wallis; Paltrow is now dating TV producer Brad Falchuk.
– “Marie Claire Australia”
★ Sacha Baron Cohen recently claimed he left the Freddie Mercury biopic in which he was set to star as the late Queen singer because the band wanted a PG-rated film with a happy ending. But now, Queen guitarist Brian May is sharing the band’s side of the story. Quote: “Sacha became an arse.” May also claims Cohen didn’t quit; it was the band’s decision he wasn’t right for the role. The bio-pic is continuing to be developed and they may have found their star: Ben Whishaw (“Q” in the latest ‘James Bond’ films). “He’s fabulous,” May says, “a real actor.”
– “Daily Mail”
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• All For the Hall (Nashville TN) – Keith Urban, Luke Bryan, and Vince Gill headline the 6th annual fundraiser concert at the Bridgestone Arena. Joining them are Emmylou Harris, Maddie & Tae, Jason Isbell, Florida Georgia Line, Sam Hunt, Maren Morris, and Peter Frampton.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Ben Rector (“Brand New”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Fitz & The Tantrums (“Fitz & The Tantrums”, out June 10th).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Deftones (“Gore”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Empress Of (“Me”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – The Last Shadow Puppets (“Everything You’ve Come to Expect”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Frightened Rabbit (“Painting Of a Panic Attack”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – “American Idol” runner-up La’Porsha Renae.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Tyler Shaw (“Wicked”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Former Vegas superstar Wayne Newton.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Chumbawumba– Their 1997-98 hit “Tubthumping” was written about a drunken Irish neighbor who would fall down and get up again outside the band’s house.
• Green Day – Their 1997 hit “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” is about Billie Joel Armstrong being bitter that his girlfriend had broken up with him and moved to Ecuador.
• Kanye West – He’s scored his 7th #1 album with “The Life of Pablo” and in the process become the 1st artist to top the ‘Billboard 200’ on the strength of an album’s streaming data. 70% of the album’s sales figures are attributed to fans listening to the project online.
• Zayne – His model-girlfriend Gigi Hadid is convinced he could also have a future in modeling. The two worked together on a shoot for the May issue of “Vogue” magazine. Runway regular Gigi tells E! News: “He is a very good model. He’s so naturally good looking.”
THIS WEEK’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Coming out on DVD, Netflix, Google Play and/or other video providers …
• “The Forest” ( PG-13 Horror ): A young woman searches for her twin sister in Japan’s so-called ‘Suicide Forest’ at the foot of Mount Fuji, only to find herself surrounded by paranormal forces. Stars Natalie Dormer (“Game of Thrones”, “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Parts 1 and 2”). Co-stars “Chicago Fire’s” Taylor Kinney (Lady Gaga’s fiancé).
• Also being released: “Justice League vs Teen Titans” (Animation); “Ken Burns’ Jackie Robinson” (PBS Documentary); and “Power Rangers Dino Charge: Resurgence” (Animation).
TEST TUBE SEAFOOD:
Lab-grown shrimp are here! And they apparently taste and feel like the real thing. A San Francisco CA biotech company is about 8 months away from unleashing the lab-grown popcorn shrimp into the marketplace. While shrimp are nutritious and delicious, shrimp fishing has a massive carbon footprint 10 times larger than beef production. And there are claims that they are often peeled by migrant slaves trapped in warehouses in Thailand. The fake shrimp being grown in the New Wave Food labs are said to have the springiness and mixture of crunch and chew that you’d expect from the real thing. They also have similar nutritional value. (That will leave real shrimp the opportunity to multiply and take over the world.)
– “Tech Insider”
SLEEPY TEENS ARE RISKY TEENS:
Sleep-deprived high school students are more likely to sustain injuries … often due to taking big chances. That’s according to a study of 50,000+ teens. Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention have found that teens who get 7 hours of sleep or less on school nights are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as not wearing a seatbelt, driving under the influence, or riding with a drinking driver. The study also finds that teens who sleep too much – 10 or more hours a night – are also prone to make the same mistakes. That’s likely because people who sleep too much may also be sleep deprived, trying to make up for lost sleep. (So unless you sleep precisely 8 hours, 2 minutes you’re screwed.)
✓ Organize coloring and drawing supplies by storing them in a dish drainer.
✓ Help your kid climb into bed with a cookie-sheet step wedged between the mattress and box spring.
✓ Trim kids’ bangs with nose-hair scissors.
✓ Put the ketchup under the hot dog to help eliminate spillage.
✓ Flatten the toilet paper roll to slow its rotation and save on usage.
✓ Put socks over footie pajamas to keep the feet in place.
✓ Replace shoelaces with elastic to turn lace-up shoes into slip-ons.
– “Parent Hacks: 134 Genius Shortcuts for Life With Kids” by Asha Dornfest
Is there something you want to know about Sweden? Forget about browsing Wikipedia or making a trip to Ikea … now you can just call. Sweden has become the first country to get a ‘National Phone Number’, allowing the rest of the world to just dial and get connected to a random volunteer somewhere in Sweden. The idea behind the novel campaign launched by the Swedish Tourist Association is to promote Sweden to foreigners by letting citizens answer questions rather than tourism officials. The so-called ‘Swedish Number’ is +46-771-SWEDEN (793336), or in North America 1-301-276-0600 to avoid international phone rates. (Would you volunteer to do this for your country?)
BS WEIRD-BUT-TRUE TAX WRITE-OFF ATTEMPTS:
• A radio personality deducted his dog ‘Red’ as a dependent for several years before finally asking a CPA to straighten out the back-taxes he had managed to escape.
• An elderly taxpayer once claimed an act-of-God casualty loss after he accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet.
• One anxious taxpayer tried to claim the cost of a stress management class, reasoning that he was disturbed by having to drive past a tax office each day.
• A furniture-store owner ended up in jail after deducting a $10,000 ‘consulting fee’ which he had paid to an arsonist … to burn down his store.
• An Amish man who pimped out the buggy he used for business wanted to deduct the accoutrements, including a velvet interior and tinted windshield.
• A salesman attempted to claim a $250 write-off for the cost of shortening his pants, saying it was to avoid being zapped by static electric generated by the carpet in his office.
• An admin assistant wanted to write off the cost of hair coloring because her boss liked her better as a blonde.
• And 22 years ago today (1994), exotic dancer Chesty Love claimed her surgical breast implants as a ‘business expense’ … and that one was okayed!
– Adapted from Cracked.com
FOR THE RECORD:
The developer of the world’s tallest building (Burj Khalifa, aka Burj Dubai) is vowing to build an even taller tower with rotating balconies and elevated landscaping inspired by the mythical hanging gardens of Babylon. The new tower in the Emirate would be ‘a notch’ taller than the 2,717-foot record. The $1-billion edifice will not be a traditional skyscraper but more of a cable-supported spire containing observation decks with trees and other greenery. It will also contain a hotel, restaurants, and glass balconies that rotate outside the wall of the tower. It may not be recognized as the world’s ‘building’ however, as half it’s height will not contain usable floor area.
DID YOU KNOW?
More people were executed in 2015 than in any of the previous 25 years.
BS CHRONOMETER 04.12.16
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946  Ed O’Neill, Youngstown OH, TV actor (‘Jay Pritchett’ on “Modern Family” since 2009, “Married With Children” 1987-97)
1947  David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, retired TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” 1993-2015, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-93)/TV producer (Worldwide Pants)
1956  Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana, Cuba, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven” movies, “The Untouchables”)
1957  Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (Grammy Awards-“When Love Finds You”, “I Still Believe in You”, “When I Call Your Name”)/married to singer Amy Grant since 2000
1960  Ron MacLean, Zweibrucken, Germany, TV sportscaster (“Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry” host since 1986, “Hockey Night in Canada” host 1986-2014)
1978  Guy Berryman, Kirkcaldy, Scotland, rock bassist (Coldplay-“Adventure Of a Lifetime”, “Clocks”)
1979  Claire Danes, NYC, TV actress (“Homeland” since 2011)/movie actress (“The Family Stone”, “The Hours”)
1987  Brendon Urie, St George UT, rock singer-musician (Panic At the Disco-“”Emperor’s New Clothes”, “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”)
1987  Brooklyn Decker, Kettering OH, 5′-9″ fashion model (“Sports Illustrated”, Victoria’s Secret)/wannabe movie actress (“Battleship”)/wed to tennis player Andy Roddick since 2009
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “International Be Kind to Lawyers Day”, because they get a lot of grief … just for being lawyers. Jokes are made about them and they consistently rank as one of the least respected professions on the planet. Is it too much to ask to be nice to lawyers for just one day? Well …
• “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day”. Almost anyone can make one, but almost everyone does it a bit differently. What’s your secret trick?
• “Library Workers Day”, a day for library administrators and users to recognize the valuable contributions made by all library workers.
• “Licorice Day”. The best kind? We say ‘zout’ (salt) from The Netherlands. A recent UK study says licorice is good for dental health. (It’s the anise that does it.)
• “Walk on Your Wild Side Day”, a day to do something unpredictable. Go to work dressed like a gorilla, get a Master’s degree, something ‘they’ said you’d never do.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2013  A Canadian study published in the journal “Science” finds that areas in the reward center of the brain become active when people hear a song for the first time
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
2009 [07[ Scottish musician and record producer Calvin Harris scores his 1st UK #1 single with “I’m Not Alone”
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2008  With her latest single, “4 Minutes”, Madonna beats Elvis as the artist with the most all-time top 10 hits on “Billboard” charts (37)
2015  Jordan Spieth wins The Masters golf tournament, tying Tiger Woods’ record-setting 72-hole score of 18 under par (1997)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Scrabble Day
[Thurs] “Bones” season premiere (FOX)
[Fri] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival begins (Indio CA)
[Fri] “Barbershop: The Next Cut”; “The Jungle Book” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Income Tax Pay Day (USA)
[Sat] Record Store Day
This Week Is … Environmental Week
This Month Is … Couple Appreciation Month
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If a cyclops closes his eye momentarily, is it a wink or a blink?
• Are teachers allowed to give homework to homeless students?
• If prunes are dried plums, where does prune juice come from?
• If you pinch yourself and it hurts, are you too strong or too weak?
• Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
• Are a brain transplant and a body transplant the same thing?
• Why don’t boogers smell like anything?
BS RANDOM JOKE:
90% of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• People who enjoy which activity are least likely to do it on Tuesdays, according to a recent poll?
a. Golf. [CORRECT]
• You’re suffering from ephebiphobia [‘eh-FEE-bih-fobe-ee-uh’]. What is it that you’re afraid of?
c. Teenagers. [CORRECT]
BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ What superpower did you want to have as a kid?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: 1-in-10 women have done THIS in the bedroom and their partner doesn’t know it.
Answer: Hidden snacks.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You aren’t stuck in traffic, you are traffic.