Tuesday, April 19, 2016        Edition: #5712

Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

★ Actress Amber Heard has escaped conviction in her dog smuggling case Down Under after pleading guilty to providing a false immigration document when she entered Australia last year with her pet Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo. As part of the court ruling, Heard and actor-hubby Johnny Depp issued a public apology video yesterday, in which they warn others to “declare everything when you enter Australia”. The awkward filmed apology from the couple has been likened to a hostage video.
– CNN.com
★ The organizers behind California’s now-underway Coachella music festival are planning to bring together rock legends including Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, and the Rolling Stones for a big concert later this year. Promotion company Goldenvoice is hoping those musicians plus The Who, Neil Young, and Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters will hit the stage at the Empire Polo Field in Indio CA October 7-9. If the acts agree to the show, it will mark the first time they all perform on the same bill. An official announcement is expected within weeks.
– “Los Angeles Times”
★ Elton John and JK Rowling are atop new listing of the most charitable British celebrities. The music icon and the author both gave away a hefty amount of their fortune to charities over the past year to top the list, which also includes Coldplay, ex-Beatle Ringo Star, former soccer superstar David Beckham, golfer Rory McIlroy, One Direction, and Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor.
– “Sunday Times”
★ And Daniel Radcliffe is set to return to the stage in NYC in James Graham’s play “Privacy”, inspired by the revelations of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. The former “Harry Potter” star will appear in the play that explores how governments and corporations collect and use our personal information. It runs July 5th through August 7th. Radcliffe was last seen on Broadway in “The Cripple of Inishmaan” in 2014. He also was in “Equus” in 2008 and “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” in 2011.
– AP

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Savages (“Adore Life”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Shawn Hook (“Analog Love”).
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – The Last Shadow Puppets (“Everything You’ve Come to Expect”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Joywave (“How Do You Feel Now?”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – The Flaming Lips (“With a Little Help from My Fwends”).
• “Meredith Vieira” (syndicated) – Jimmy Greene (“Beautiful Life”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – REM’s Michael Stipe. Rerun.
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – Audience voting determines which singer will be eliminated as the rest move to the next phase.

• Breaking Benjamin – Tonight in Lancaster PA they kick off another round of acoustic dates. The shows run through May 8th in Lawrence KS.
• The Goo Goo Dolls – They never thought “Iris” was going to be a hit since it was on the soundtrack to the 1998 movie “City of Angels” alongside songs from bigger artists, like U2 and Alanis Morissette.
• Guns N’ Roses – Tonight they play a concert in Mexico City in between their headlining performances at the 2 weekends of the Coachella festival in Indio CA.
• The Lumineers – They have the #1 album on today’s new ‘Billboard 200’ chart with their 2nd release, “Cleopatra”.
• Oasis – 1994’s “Live Forever” was written as an optimistic retort to Nirvana’s “I Hate Myself and Want to Die”.
• Semisonic – 1998’s “Closing Time” is actually about childbirth, not last call at a bar.
• Third Eye Blind – Their 1998 hit “Jumper” is a about a gay man who jumped off a bridge after being bullied.

Coming out on DVD, Netflix, Google Play and/or other video providers …
• “Fifty Shades of Black” – Marlon Wayans plays a man with power, success, and an intense desire to get freaky. Into his life comes a young, virginal girl (Kali Hawk) who just may not be as innocent as she seems. Only one gets to come out on top in this spoof of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Co-stars Mike Epps, Jane Seymour.
• “The Lady In the Van” – “Downton Abbey” actress Maggie Smith stars in the movie adaptation of playwright Alan Bennett’s West End stage hit, based on his own best-selling memoir about an eccentric woman who parked her broken-down van in Bennett’s London driveway and proceeded to live there … for 15 years.
• “The Revenant” – Oscar-winner Leonardo DiCaprio slept in animal carcasses and ate raw bison liver to get into his role as frontiersman ‘Hugh Glass’ in this Western directed by Alejandro G Iñárritu (“Birdman”). The film sees ‘Glass’ set off on a revenge mission against a hunting team that leaves him for dead after murdering his young son.
• Also being released: “Albert – Up, Up and Away” (Animated); “A Dog Named Gucci” (Documentary); “Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead: The Story Of the National Lampoon” (Documentary); “Forbidden Hollywood Volume 10” (Film Compilation); “Haven: The Final Season” (TV); “Little House On the Prairie: Season 9 Deluxe Remastered Edition” (Vintage TV); “Pretty Little Liars: The Complete 6th Season” (TV); “The Sex Trade” (Documentary); “Shadows of Liberty” (Documentary); “Silicon Valley: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); “Veep: The Complete 4th Season” (2015); and “A Whit Stillman Trilogy: ‘Metropolitan’, ‘Barcelona’, ‘The Last Days of Disco'” (Movie Compilation).

Avo-lovers, rejoice! One of the most irritating fruit-based problems now has a fix. We’re of course referring to that teeny tiny window of perfect avocado ripeness, bookend-ed by rock hard, inedible avo and squishy mush. This easy trick makes a hard avocado ripe in minutes …
✓ Wrap your avocado, skin and all, in tin foil and put it on a baking tray.
✓ Place in the oven at 100°C (212°F) and bake for 10 minutes.
✓ If it’s still hard, pop it back in the oven and check at 10 minute intervals. If it’s really hard it can take up to an hour to soften.
✓ Remove it from the oven and put your avocado in the fridge until it cools.
✓ Enjoy your soft, ready-to-eat avocado.
Why does this work? As the avocado is baked, it’s surrounded in ethylane, the gas it naturally releases at a slower pace to ripen. All you’re doing is speeding up the process. (Life just became so much better.)
– PureWow.com

A few reasons these ugly-ish reptiles can be lovable, affectionate companions …
• They can live for many years.
• They have the most awesomely expressive faces.
• They’re surprisingly easy to look after, so long as you don’t mind bugs (aka reptile chow).
• They like watching what you’re doing as they’re interested in what is going on around them.
• They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
• They’re hilarious to watch.
• They’re really affectionate, if you define that as meaning climbing up and clinging on to random parts of you.
(Scaly skin and beady eyes … what more could you ask for?)
– Metro.co.uk

The various kinds of people who actually regularly check their inbox …
✓ ‘Inbox Zero’: This is the email user who achieves email nirvana by making sure their inbox has no unread email in it. Whether they actually respond or not is irrelevant as long as nothing is left bolded in the inbox.
✓ ‘First Responder’: The email user that has a compulsion to respond to personal emails in an incredibly quick time. This user is task-driven, time-driven, and achieves happiness when there is no outstanding activity to be performed in their inbox.
✓ ‘Design Lover’: This type values a good email experience (good design, engagement, interaction) above all else. They want a more usable, more interactive, more intuitively designed email experience.
– TheNextWeb.com

Like yawning and coughing, scratching can be infectious. You see someone else scratching and soon you’re doing it yourself. Many research studies have sought an explanation for what is known as ‘Itch Transmission’. So why do we have it? As other primates behave this way as well, one theory is that it evolved in social species to help them notice and deal with parasitic infestations. (Start scratching; see how long the rest of your crew can hold off.)
– “Focus”

There are 5 types of bums in the world, and every woman has a specific one. This life-changing announcement comes from plastic surgeon Matthew Schulman, who’s examined an estimated 50,000 butts from 35 countries as part of his work. So which kind do you have?
1. V-Shape: The line from your hips to your pelvis runs inwards. This type is most common with women who have broad shoulders and narrow hips.
2. A-Shape (aka Trapezoid): You’re an A-shape if your bum gets wider below the hip bones.
3. Square: This is when the line between your hip bone and outer thighs runs straight, perpendicular to the ground, with no outwards or inwards leaning.
4. Round: A butt that curves outwards then inwards in a big, peachy circle. Think Beyoncé or Kimmy K.
5. Upside-down Heart: Like the round butt, but with more weight at the lower part of the hip.
(Hey, they missed #6! Saggy-ass.)
– “Cosmopolitan”

• Donald Trump only writes his own tweets after 7 pm.
• Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid) is the first soccer player in Spain to score 30 league goals in 6 consecutive seasons.
– PopBitch.com


1968 [48] Ashley Judd, Granada Hills CA, TV actress (“Missing” 2012)/movie actress (“Divine Secrets Of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”)/daughter of country singer Naomi Judd, sister of Wynonna

1978 [38] James Franco, Palo Alto CA, movie actor (“Spring Breakers”, “Milk”)

1979 [37] Kate Hudson, LA CA, movie actress (“Kung Foo Panda 3”, “Almost Famous”)/actress Goldie Hawn’s daughter/former partner of Muse frontman Matthew Bellamy  UP NEXT: “Mother’s Day”, debuting April 29th.

1981 [35] Hayden Christensen, Vancouver BC, movie actor (“Jumper”, “Star Wars: Episode II-III”)

1985 [31] Steve Johnson, Athens AL, blues-rock drummer (Alabama Shakes-“I Ain’t the Same”, “Hold On”)

1987 [29] Maria Sharapova, Nyagan, Russia, admitted doper/former top-ranked women’s tennis player/one-time highest-paid female athlete thanks to endorsement deals

• “Garlic Day”, saluting the ‘stinking rose’ that has been cultivated as long as history has been recorded. It’s been said that if you rub a clove on garlic on your partner’s feet at night, you’ll taste it on their breath the next morning. Why you’d actually want to do this, no one knows.

• “Hanging Out Day”, an initiative of Project Laundry List promoting energy conservation by using a clothesline instead of an electric dryer.
NET: http://www.laundrylist.org

2001 [15] The smash hit musical “The Producers”, based on the Mel Brooks film of the same name, opens on Broadway in NYC

2012 [04] Musician Levon Helm (The Band) dies of cancer in NYC at age 71; musician-songwriter Greg Ham (Men at Work) dies of unknown cases at age 58 in Carlton North, Australia

2014 [02] The White House in Washington DC refuses to comment on a campaign to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada after some 275,000 people sign a petition lambasting his behaviour

2005 [11] Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is elected Pope Benedict XVI (quits February 28, 2013)

2014 [02] Chinese auto manufacturer FAW Group begins taking orders for its luxury Red Flag L5 custom-made auto, priced similarly to a Ferrari at approximately $800,000

[Wed] Pot Smokers Day
[Thurs] Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
[Thurs] High Five Day
[Fri] New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival begins
[Fri] Earth Day
This Week Is … Pet ID Week
This Month Is … International Guitar Month


• That girl you had to work with at Summer Camp who you fantasized about getting eaten by a bear.
• Your co-worker’s roommate who tried to hit on you at a party 4 years ago.
• The therapist you stopped seeing because you were falling asleep in your own sessions.
• That kid from your alma mater that thinks you’re way cooler than you are and sent you a gushing message to please, please connect.
• Your unemployed, living-at-home friend from college … 9 years ago.
• That overzealous friend who sends LinkedIn requests to everyone he’s ever met.
• Your creepy ex-boss.
– Thanks to Diana Tung

☎ Who’s the all-time best TV mom?

Have someone take their pick from each pairing while you list ’em off rapid-fire …
• Superhero – “Superman” or “Batman”?
• TV Game Show – “Big Brother” or “Survivor”?
• Coffee – Black or double-double?
• Breakfast – Hot gooey cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven or crunchy granola with ripe strawberries?
• Recorded Music – Streaming or vinyl?
• Licorice – Red or black?
• Sleepwear – Soft, warm, fleecy onesie or naked as a jaybird?
• Your Lifestyle – A worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

Question: The average person performs THIS function 22 times a day.
Answer: Opening the refrigerator door.

Amateurs practice until they can play it correctly; professionals practice until they can’t play it incorrectly.

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