August 1, 2012

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012        Edition: #4799

If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

Fred Willard’s ABC-TV improv show “Trust Us With Your Life” has been yanked just weeks after the actor-comedian was arrested on suspicion of ‘lewd conduct’ in an adult movie theater and will be replaced with reruns of “Wipeout” (it was one of the network’s lowest rated shows anyway) . . . Will Ferrell says he nearly killed Zach Galifianakis on the set of “The Campaign” (opening August 10th) by putting walnuts in his breakfast burrito, causing his nut-allergic co-star to require emergency treatment from EMTs (that prank’s about as funny as Will’s movies of late) . . . Actress Sarah Jessica Parker (“Sex & The City”) is set to guest star as a “Vogue” magazine journalist on an upcoming episode of FOX-TV’s “Glee” (now let’s all time-travel back 2 years, when we might have actually cared) . . . Musical acts at Friday night’s Olympic Opening Ceremony, ie: Paul McCartney, agreed to play for free but had to be paid a token £1 in order to create a binding contract with London 2012 organizers (some say they haven’t received it yet) . . . ‘James Bond’ fans will soon be able to smell like a spy as a special fragrance is being released to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the ‘007’ franchise (the first movie was 1962’s “Dr No”) . . . 49-year-old actor Johnny Deep reportedly collects limited-edition celebrity dolls such as Beyoncé, Elvis, New Kids On the Block, and even Donny Osmond (the weirdest is said to be a Lindsay Lohan figurine, complete with court-ordered ankle monitor) . . . And TMZ reports that shooting on the new movie “The Canyons” was delayed this week when sorta actress Lindsay Lohan refused to do a topless scene unless the entire crew also got naked, but it was finally agreed the show could go on if the crew filmed the rest of the scene – in just their underwear (usually it doesn’t require dropped drawers for her to get naked, just the drop of a hat).


• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Jason Mraz (“Love Is a Four Letter Word”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) –  Matisyahu (“Spark Seeker”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) –  Justin Bieber (“Believe”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Joss Stone (“The Soul Sessions Vol 2”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – Dancers in jeopardy perform; 2 are eliminated.

• Eminem – He’s just become the first artist to reach 60 million followers on Facebook. His “Love The Way You Lie” collaborator Rihanna is not far behind though, with just over 59 million.
• Katy Perry – She’s reportedly hired a cat shrink to work on her pets’ bad behavior. Seems over the last couple of months ‘Kitty Purry’ and ‘Krusty the Cat’ aren’t responding to her like they used to and have been disappearing for hours at a time. The cat whisperer is apparently working to communicate with them and calm them down.
• Kenny Chesney – “Come Over” will become the 24th #1 single of his career when “Billboard” releases the new ‘Country Singles’ chart this Thursday. It’s already been certified Gold for digital sales in excess of 500,000.
• Mumford & Sons – Tonight in Hoboken NJ they kick off a North American tour in advance of the release of their 2nd album, “Babel”, coming September 24th.
• Pitbull – He’s shown some class by playing a gig in remote Kodiak, Alaska. Even though comedy website hijacked his online promotion in which he promised to perform in the place which registered the most ‘likes’, the Miami rapper acquiesced to the bogus vote and was greeted by hundreds of fans when he arrived there Monday. Afterward he tweeted, “Thank U Kodiak … I am honored, truly.”
• Rolling Stones – 57-year-old former model Jo Wood is currently penning an autobiography which will detail her 24-year marriage to Ronnie Wood. She admits she’ll always love the 65-year-old rocker, but also claims he’s a ‘rotten bastard’ who’ll likely never speak to her again once the book is published.
• Sheryl Crow – She’s asked for a restraining order against a fan who has allegedly threatened her life. In papers filed in LA, she says the delusional man is claiming that Crow broke into his house looking for his gun. He believes she stole money from him and he’s been threatening to harm her in a series of angry online posts.


At what age do you become an adult? According to a new poll, it’s not that simple to answer. A sampling of responses about when you qualify as ‘adult’ …
• When you accept responsibility for yourself … 36%
• When you achieve financial independence … 30%
• When you finish your education … 16%
• When you begin making independent decisions … 14%
• When you get married … 4%
– “USA Today”


New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Haptic’ – Describes technologies, for instance in computer gaming, that give the sensation of touch. (If “Call of Duty” had haptic technology, you might be able to feel an armor-piercing round chew through your limb. What a bonus!)
✓ ‘Skype Sleeping’ – Connecting with a faraway partner on Skype and then falling asleep together. (Seems a tad strange … but at least there’s no need for birth control!)
✓ ‘Sleep Concierge’ – A hotel employee who aids guests that are having trouble sleeping. The ‘SC’ at NYC’s Benjamin Hotel, for instance, allows guests to choose from 12 different sleep-friendly pillows, and is on call to arrange sleep aids like massages and midnight snacks.

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 76% of American elementary school-age boys say they’d rather grow up to be a bartender than US president. (Better tips.)
• 70% of married men do not know the name of their wife’s perfume. (Or if she wears one.)
• 54% of women say their sex life improved after they started working out. (And got down to 350.)
• 50% of single women say they deliberately choose a less attractive woman to be their ‘wing lady’. (How’s that make you feel, sidekick?)
• 49% of brides now update their Facebook status right after exchanging wedding vows. (‘Taken’)
• 30% of women say putting on makeup is the most important thing they do all day. (No, seriously?)
• 22% of adults say they enjoy eating a popsicle on a sultry Summer day. (Or sitting on one.)


It’s well-documented how the appearance of food and its smell influence what we eat, but now the effect that sound has on taste is being looked at. A couple of findings …
• Recent research by scientists at Oxford University has found that specific tones can make things taste sweeter or more bitter. (Pecan pie in E-Flat … awesome.)
• Chef Heston Blumenthal at Britain’s award-winning Fat Duck restaurant has a dish called ‘Sound Of the Sea’, which is served with an iPod playing sounds of the seaside. Customers claim the sounds actually make the food taste fresher. (Squealing clams, for instance.)
(What’s the best sounding food? A crisp apple? A crunchy carrot? Gruel through a straw?)
– BBC News

How do you get horses for the Olympic equestrian events to London? Believe it or not, you ship them by FedEx! The horses are loaded onto specialized jet stalls, which look like the horse trailers you see driving down the road but are specifically designed for air travel. Two horses go into each stall, which is then loaded on a palette and onto the pressurized upper deck of a FedEx cargo plane. Hay and water are provided and the horses are accompanied by a veterinarian and grooms who know them well. Horses in general are pretty good travelers, so they don’t mind their overseas adventure. They even have their own passports! (“I see your name is Gin & Juice … are you entering Britain for work or for pleasure?”)


A new study of 2,000 women reveals the following …
• Most say a woman is ‘sexiest’ at age 28.
• Women’s confidence peaks at age 32, according to most respondents.
• Asked the body part they’re most proud of, 23% of women say ‘eyes’, 20% say ‘bust’, and a savvy 13% pick ‘brain’.


• People were worried about vampires in Bulgaria 700 years ago.
– “National Geographic”
• Modern pop music is louder and less varied than that of the 1950s and 1960s.
– “Daily Mail”


1959 [53] Joe Elliott, Sheffield UK, classic rock singer (Def Leppard-“Promises”, “Love Bites”)

1960 [52] Chuck D (Carlton Ridenhour), Roosevelt NY, trendsetting rapper (Public Enemy-“Shut ‘Em Down”, “Fight the Power”)

1964 [48] Adam Duritz, Baltimore MD, alt-rock singer/songwriter (Counting Crows-“Accidentally in Love”, “Big Yellow Taxi”)

1965 [47] Sam Mendes, Reading UK, movie producer/director (“Revolutionary Road”, Oscar-“American Beauty”)/wed to actress Kate Winslet (2003-10)  COMING UP: The 23rd ‘James Bond’ movie, “Skyfall”, premiering October 26th in London.


• “August”, originally the 6th month of the Roman year which was called Sextilis. In the year 8 BC, Emperor Augustus Caesar persuaded the Senate to change the month’s name to ‘Augustus’ in his honor. If it weren’t for him, today would be the 1st of Sextilis!

• “Girlfriends Day”, either some girl’s greedy grab at gifts from her guy, or perhaps a day for ‘the girls’ to hang out and share woman-to-woman time?

• “Respect for Parents Day”. So what’s the best way to gain respect … setting an example or creating fear?

• “Rounds Resounding Day”, a day to sing rounds. Altogether now, “Row, row, row …”

• “Sturgeon’ Moon”, the Full Moon of August, so-named because the large fish were most readily caught during this month. It’s also been called the ‘Red Moon’, ‘Green Corn Moon’ and ‘Grain Moon’.

• “World Wide Web Day”, marking the birth of the Web in August 1990 at the Europe Laboratory for Particle Physics in Switzerland. Tim Berners-Lee & Robert Cailliau developed a prototype Web browser and introduced Hypertext Markup Language (HTML).


1962 [50] The superhero ‘Spider-Man’ debuts in issue #15 of “Amazing Fantasy” comics

2006 [06] Mel Gibson issues a statement in which he denies being a bigot and apologizes for ‘vitriolic and harmful words’ he used when arrested for DUI (the watershed moment in his career)


1877 [135] Novelty piano ditty “Chopsticks” is composed (which just about any plunker can play)

1994 [18] Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley confirm their marriage in Dominican Republic 11 weeks earlier


1933 [79] ‘Skippy Peanut Butter’ is 1st marketed (go ahead, eat a spoonful and try to whistle)


1957 [55] Canadian Glen Gorbous (Rosedale, Alberta) throws a baseball a record 445-ft, 10-ins (136 m) while playing with the St Louis Cardinals’ Triple A team, still the longest throw ever recorded

1998 [14] Scott Gehrke & Lorrie Kilgore wed above Perris, California in a 55-second ceremony as they and a presiding minister parachute from 13,000 feet (seems they really fell for each other)


[Thurs] Make Some Old-Fashioned Lemonade Day
[Thurs] Roller Skating Day
[Thurs] Ice Cream Sandwich Day
[Fri] “Diary Of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days”; “Total Recall” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Watermelon Day
[Fri] Osheaga Music & Arts Festival begins (Montréal QC)
[Fri] Lollapalooza begins (Chicago IL)
[Fri] Watershed Music Festival begins (George WA)
This Week Is … Fraud Awareness Week
This Month Is … Cataract Awareness Month


Have you noticed that websites are getting pickier and pickier about passwords (perhaps because most of us are still using ‘1234’)? Some of the more outlandish BS demands …
✓ A capital letter.
✓ A number.
✓ The exact date/time of your first blood clot.
✓ Your favorite brand of gin.
✓ Your favorite “Brady Bunch” child.
✓ 3 distinctly different recipes for lemon basil chicken.
✓ That joke … you know, the one with the guy in the raincoat.
✓ An MP3 of you humming Wagner’s “Ride Of the Valkyries” in the shower.
✓ The original battle plans for the invasion of Normandy.
✓ A lowercase letter.
– Thanks to Eric Auld


Just when you think you’re winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat.


Sometimes it’s the tomboy inside you that guys like. According to a recent survey, which is #1 on the list of ways to be a real “Guy’s Girl”?
a. Watching sports with him.
b. Hanging out with his guy friends.
c. Worshiping his car. [CORRECT]


☎ If expense were no object, what single souvenir from Earth would you give to an alien?


• Self-shot video competition during Parade of Nations.
• iPad swipe/pinch/zoom marathon.
• Outdated clamshell-phone toss.
• Obstacle course while texting.
• Wrestling over the merits of Android vs iPhone.


Question: Most of us have at least one of THESE, but odds are less than 50/50 that it’s working.
Answer: Smoke alarm.


The more you say, the less people remember.

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