Monday, August 1, 2016 – Edition: #5786
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ When “Homeland” (Showtime) finally returns, it will feature a renewed focus on Washington DC and one important piece has fallen into place. Actress Elizabeth Marvel (“House of Cards”) has been cast as president … well, sort of. She’ll play president-elect ‘Elizabeth Keane’, a former senator who’s yet to be inaugurated when the action picks up in the 6th season. “Homeland”, recently nominated for 4 Emmys, is getting a later-than-typical start this season. Production starts in NYC later this month, with a premiere likely in early 2017.
★ Think more class, less ass. Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Auburn (“Proof”) has been hired to pen the latest incarnation of the “Charlie’s Angels” movie franchise, which will be directed by Elizabeth Banks (“Pitch Perfect” films). Producers are looking for the dramatist to create rich, fully-developed characters and not just pretty faces plugged into action. It’s hoped the result is a reinvented “Charlie’s Angels” that’s grounded, edgy, subversive, smart, and fun.
★ Singer-songwriter Jason Derulo has been brought aboard to guest-star as a boxer in the new FOX-TV drama based on the “Lethal Weapon” film franchise. This isn’t the first time Derulo has appeared on TV. Last year he played himself on “Empire” and he’s also serving as a judge on “So You Think You Can Dance”. He’ll be featured in one of the early episodes of “Lethal Weapon”. The new series, starring Damon Wayans & Clayne Crawford as detectives ‘Murtaugh & Riggs’, debuts September 21st.
★ And “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino says that things have changed in the upcoming Netflix revival … ‘Lorelai’ and a grown up ‘Rory Gilmore’ can now have cocktails together. Sherman-Palladino is still remaining tight-lipped about the series’ final four words (which are becoming a thing), and encourages viewers not to skip ahead to find out what they are. Quote: “It really is a journey leading up to those last 4 words. It’s going to mean a lot more if you go on the journey. It’s going to mean lot less if you flip to that last page.” “Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life” hits Netflix on November 25th.
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “The Bachelorette” (ABC) – The final rose ceremony in the Season 12 finalé. Jordan Rodgers (brother of NFL QB Aaron Rodgers) is 1 of the 2 final contestants.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Jack Black (Tenacious D). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Bishop Briggs (“River”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Moby (“Long Ambients 1: Calm. Sleep.”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Mary Timony (Ex Hex).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 8 dancers perform.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• David Bowie – His musical ‘Lazarus’, inspired by the book “The Man Who Fell to Earth”, is opening in London in October. After an SRO run in NYC November 2015-January 2016, the production opens at Kings Cross Theatre October 25th through January 2017.
• INXS – Universal is producing a feature-length documentary movie about the life of late lead singer Michael Hutchence. A studio release says it is committed to providing a portrait of a man who left behind an enduring musical and cultural legacy. He died of suicide in 1997.
• Oak Ridge Boys – An annual rite of the Christmas season, a tour by the country music veterans, will continue this year. They’ll hit some 24 cities between November 1st and December 22nd.
• Temple Of the Dog – The supergroup founded to honor the late Andrew Wood of Mother Love Bone, will tour for the first time in November after a 25th anniversary re-issue of their self-titled album on September 30th. The band is made up of Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell and Matt Cameron, plus Pearl Jam’s Stone Gossard, Jeff Ament, and Mike McCready. They’ll perform in just 5 cities.
• Willie Nelson – He’s honoring his late friend Ray Price with the new album “For the Good Times: A Tribute to Ray Price”, due out on September 16th. He’ll cover great Price hits like “Heartaches by the Number”, “Crazy Arms,” “Faded Love” and the album’s title track.
FROM SEWER TO BREWER:
Would you drink beer made from urine? Scientists in Belgium have created a machine that turns pee into a drinkable beverage. It uses solar energy to heat urine in a tank, which is then filtered through a membrane to retrieve drinkable water. The team of scientists at Ghent University say their technique could be applied in rural areas, and in developing countries. It’s also hoped the technique could be used to treat water for use by brewers. And the nutrients collected can be used to make fertilizer. (Would you drink it? Someday the draft taps at your pub may be connected to the men’s.)
THINGS YOU SHOULD STOP WEARING AFTER COLLEGE:
Your sorority days are over. Keep the memories, but ditch the letters. As well as …
• Wristlet clutches.
• Pajama pants.
• Giant hoodies.
• Slogan T-shirts.
• Old ‘formal’ dresses.
• Those diamond studs you wear with absolutely everything.
• Any and all college gear.
– Condensed from “Cosmopolitan”
NO SHORTAGE OF THIS STUFF:
Forget kale, quinoa and acai berries, the next big superfood is … cockroach milk. Seriously. Scientists in India have discovered it contains ‘unique protein’ and is 4 times more nutritious than cow’s milk. The milk is produced by the Pacific beetle cockroach which births live young. It secretes a type of milk that contains protein crystals to feed its embryos before they are born. These crystals are a complete food – they have proteins, fats, and sugars. In other words, all the essential amino acids. (Would you drink it? Or are you trying not to gag at the thought of it?)
– “Times of India”
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
• The odds are more likely that you will spot a UFO than win a lottery jackpot.
• The odds are 9 in 10 that you will gain back all the weight you lost after a diet.
• The odds are 3 in 4 that you will be mentioned in the media at least once in your life.
• The odds are 1 in 117 that the pilot of the plane you are flying in is drunk.
• The odds are 1 in 4 that your spouse will be unfaithful to you.
– “What Are the Chances?”
TOO MANY GUYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!
A new app called ‘Weepo’ allows users to check the male-to-female ratio at a given bar or club before heading out, instead of finding out the hard way when arriving. ‘Weepo’ is actually a dating app that gives users a chance to meet and chat with people, based on where they are planning to go on a specific evening. The app lists who else is going to the venue, and gives an overall ratio of men and women attending. Once you’ve found a venue with a ratio you like, the app allows you to swipe through the individual profiles of other people who are going there. (What if you encounter some creepo you’ll have to try to avoid all night?)
– “New York Post”
SUPERFOODS FOR HEALTHY HAIR:
What you eat can make a difference. Add these foods to your diet for healthy, shiny hair …
• Eggs or Egg Whites
• Brown Short-Grain Rice
• Cottage Cheese
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”
DID YOU KNOW?
• The Big Bang was not as loud as a Motörhead concert.
• Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender.
• According to the company that created her, ‘Hello Kitty’ isn’t a cat.
– “1,234 Quite Interesting Facts to Leave You Speechless”
BS CHRONOMETER 08.01.16
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959  Joe Elliott, Sheffield UK, classic rock singer (Def Leppard-“Promises”, “Love Bites”)
1960  Chuck D (Carlton Ridenhour), Roosevelt NY, trendsetting rapper (Public Enemy-“Shut ‘Em Down”, “Fight the Power”)
1964  Adam Duritz, Baltimore MD, alt-rock singer-songwriter (Counting Crows-“Accidentally in Love”, “Big Yellow Taxi”)
1965  Sam Mendes, Reading UK, filmmaker (“Spectre”, “Skyfall”).
1979  Jason Momoa, Honolulu HI, TV actor (‘Khal Drogo’ on “Game of Thrones” 2011-12)/movie actor (‘Aquaman’ in “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”) COMING UP: “Justice League” (2017); “Aquaman” (2018).
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “August”, originally the 6th month of the Roman year which was called Sextilis. In the year 8 BC, Emperor Augustus Caesar persuaded the Senate to change the month’s name to ‘Augustus’ in his honor. If it weren’t for him, today would be the 1st of Sextilis!
•”Civic Holiday” in parts of Canada (Manitoba, Ontario, NWT, & Nunavut). It’s observed as “New Brunswick Day” in NB; “Saskatchewan Day” in SK; “British Columbia Day” in BC, “Simcoe Day” in Toronto ON; “Colonel By Day” in Ottawa ON; “Heritage Day” in Alberta; and the semi-holiday “Natal Day” in Nova Scotia & PEI. For everybody else, it’s just … Monday.
• “Girlfriends Day”, either some girl’s greedy grab at gifts from her guy, or perhaps a day for ‘the girls’ to hang out and share woman-to-woman time?
• “Respect for Parents Day”. So what’s the best way to gain respect … setting an example or creating fear?
• “World Scout Scarf Day”, an effort to encourage active and former Scouts worldwide to wear their neckerchiefs in public as a symbol of the Scout promise and the spirit of Scouting. It has been promoted on Facebook and by Scouting organizations since 2007.
• “World Wide Web Day”, marking the birth of the Web in August 1990 at the Europe Laboratory for Particle Physics in Switzerland. Tim Berners-Lee & Robert Cailliau developed a prototype Web browser and introduced Hypertext Markup Language (HTML).
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2012  A “Sight & Sound” magazine ranking lists Alfred Hitchcock’s 1958 thriller “Vertigo” as ‘Greatest Film of All-Time’
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2007  Prince kicks off a series of 21 SRO shows at London’s O2 Arena
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
2012  Badminton teams from China, Indonesia, and South Korea are kicked out of the women’s doubles competition at the London Olympics for trying to … lose on purpose
2013  Russia grants NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden 1 year of temporary political asylum (he’s still there)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1998  Scott Gehrke & Lorrie Kilgore are wed above Perris CA in a 55-second ceremony as they, and a presiding minister, parachute from 13,000 feet (they truly fell for each other)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] “The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now” (MTV)
[Tues] Coloring Book Day
[Tues] National Night Out
[Wed] Watermelon Day
[Thurs] India Pale Ale Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Bargain Hunting Week / Exhibitor Appreciation Week / International Clown Week / Psychic Week / Simplify Your Life Week / World Breastfeeding Week
BEST OF BS:
Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS FUNERAL ETIQUETTE:
• Do NOT ask for ‘just a little peek-a-doodle’ if it is a closed casket.
• Do NOT race the hearse to the cemetery.
• Do NOT approach the widow/widower and ask for the 50 bucks the deceased owes you.
• Do NOT make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased’s clothes.
• Do NOT climb on headstones to get a better view.
• Do NOT use the occasion to ‘schmooze’.
• Do NOT ask if there’s any booze.
• Do NOT ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home.
• Do NOT tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you’ve ever seen.
• Do NOT offer to make a beer-run.
– First published in “BS” 2005.
DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE’S BS COMPLAINTS ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM:
• Unfavorably compares the cooking of her chef to the cooking of his mother’s chef.
• Repulsive giant orange teeth after scarfing down an entire bag of Cheetos.
• Threatens beheading if he ever finds nylons hanging in the bathroom.
• Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
• Always calls Pizza Hut before both decide on toppings.
• Never puts the cap back on the Mango Love Butter.
• Laughs like a hyena at old reruns of “Friends”.
• Wears ‘Home of Big Ben’ boxer shorts.
• That phony British accent.
– First published in “BS” 2014.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which animal closes its eyes when it swallows?
c. Frog. [CORRECT]
• In cooking, how many drops to a single teaspoon?
c. 60 [CORRECT]
– “Totally Trivial”
BS RANDOM JOKE:
What’s the quietest place in the world? The ‘Complaint Department’ at the parachute packing plant.
BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would that be?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: Almost half of women surveyed say they find it ‘very attractive’ when a potential love interest knows how to do THIS.
Answer: Iron clothes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Time wounds all heals.
NOW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
Trey Morgan @ Fresh 102.7 [WNEW] NYC; Evita Louis & Kiran S @ Indigo 919 Bangalore, India; Don Sainte-Johnn @ Mega 97.1 [KRTO] Santa Maria CA; and Pam Cloud @ The Mix 105.1 [KXMX] Sallisaw OK.