Friday, August 17, 2012        Edition: #4811

Ahhh, It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

“Us Weekly” is reporting that the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie wedding is going down within the next month in France (maybe this weekend?), and they filled out paperwork weeks ago so they’re already legally married (‘Brangelina’ – now legally joined) . . . After injuring her left hand in an auto accident in Hollywood on Wednesday, 36-year-old “Big Bang Theory” actress Mayim Bialik has since texted that she’s doing well and will ‘keep all fingers’ (well obviously – she was texting) . . . US Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps is reportedly joining a reality TV show to learn to play golf better (just like swimming, it’s all in the stroke) . . . We still haven’t gotten a glimpse of Jennifer Aniston’s engagement ring but word has it that it’s 8 carats (which sounds a tad obscene) . . . Jessica Simpson’s dad & former manager Joe Simpson has officially been charged with DUI and may face jail time (he should have been locked up long ago for foisting Jess and Ashlee on the world) . . . Actor Michael J Fox is readying a return to prime-time TV in what’s said to be a single-camera comedy inspired by his own life which the networks are lining up to land (it should belong on FOX, no?) . . . Late night TV host Jimmy Kimmel is engaged, finally popping the question to girlfriend Molly McNearney, co-head writer on his show (sorry, Matt Damon) . . . And self-obsessed “Transformers” actor Shia LaBeouf has announced in “Hollywood Reporter” that he’s ‘done’ with big-budget movies (this comes several months after big-budget movies announced they were ‘done’ with him).


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – Saturday Karmin (“Hello”) performs; 4 acts advance to the semi-finals.
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Tonight Wiz Khalifa (“ONIFC”, out September 18th). Rerun.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Neon Trees (“Picture Show”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Good Old War (“Come Back As Rain”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Lee Fields & The Expressions (“Faithful Man”); Roll the Tanks (“Suffer City”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight  2 Chainz (“Based On a TRU Story”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Allen Stone (“Allen Stone”). Rerun.
• Mixtape Festival (Hershey PA) – Tonight this inaugural weekend event is headlined by Kelly Clarkson and The Fray. Saturday features New Kids On the Block w/Backstreet Boys, and Nick Lachey’s 1990s boy-band 98 Degrees reuniting for a one-off reunion.
• “Oprah’s Next Chapter” (OWN) – Sunday Rihanna takes Oprah Winfrey on a personal tour of her native Barbados and invites her into her island home for an in-depth interview.
• Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Festival (Kansas City MO) – Tonight this 3rd annual touring show kicks off with Godsmack, Papa Roach, Shinedown, Staind, and more. The tour runs through September 30th in Albuquerque NM.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Jason Segel (“The Muppets”); musical guest Florence & The Machine (“Ceremonials”). Rerun.
• “Superstars of ‘70s Soul Live” (PBS) – Saturday Patti LaBelle hosts a gathering of Motown, R&B, soul, and disco artists.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Tonight Eddie Levert (“I Still Have It”). Rerun.
• “Teachers Rock” (CBS) – Tonight this TV special honoring America’s educators features performances by Carrie Underwood, Dierks Bentley, fun., and Josh Groban.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning ‘90s boy-band 98 Degrees performs.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight The Offspring (“Days Go By”).


• Blur – The Brit indie band’s 25-track set “Parklive”, recorded in London’s Hyde Park on the Olympics closing night, is already availably on iTunes. It will be released on CD in November.
• Colt Ford – His 4th studio album, “Declaration of Independence”, is #1 on the “Billboard Country Albums” chart and 5th overall on “Billboard 200”. It’s his highest career album debut.
• D’Angelo / Mary J Blige – Saturday their co-headlining tour begins in Virginia Beach, Virginia. It runs up to September 15th in Chicago, Illinois.
• Janelle Monae – She’s just wrapped her first advertising shoot for Cover Girl, which will appear in the September issue of “Vogue”. She says it has opened up a new platform for her “to inspire women to feel stronger, braver and more beautiful inside and out”. And the money’s good too.


• “The Expendables 2” ( R-Rated Action Adventure ): The old fogies reunite for what should be an easy gig, but when one of their men is murdered, their quest for revenge puts them up against an unexpected threat. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jet Li and, of course, Sylvester Stallone.
• “ParaNorman” (  PG Animated Adventure ): A misunderstood boy who can speak with the dead takes on ghosts, zombies, and grown-ups to save his town from a centuries-old curse. Voice cast includes Anna Kendrick, Casey Affleck, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Tucker Albrizzi. Co-director Chris Butler previously worked on “Corpse Bride” and “Coraline”.
• “Sparkle” ( PG-13 Drama ): In this remake of the 1976 musical set in the 1960s, the late Whitney Houston plays the mother of 3 daughters in a successful Motown singing group who are dealing with the fallout of fame and drugs. This was Houston’s first acting role in more than 15 years. Also stars former “American Idol” winner Jordin Sparks.


✓Cama – A cross between a camel with a llama, thanks to the Camel Reproduction Center in Dubai. They’re said to be friendlier than a camel and hardier than a llama. And since the 2 critters have the same number of chromosomes, it’s believed camas may be able to reproduce.
✓Savannah Cat – It’s a big jungle cat that won’t kill you, named to evoke its African heritage. It was first introduced to the world in 1986 by Bengal breeder Judee Frank. In 2001, the International Cat Association accepted it as a newly registered breed.
✓Zonkey – Zebra father, donkey mother. Sort of resembles a mule wearing striped pantyhose. If it’s the result of a donkey dad and zebra mom, it’s known as a ‘zedonk’. But zebras will mate with just about anything horsey and can even create a ‘zebrass’.


Researchers have found that drivers crash their cars into lampposts or shunt other vehicles more often in the Summer … when men and women are wearing less clothing. A new study of over 2,100 drivers by insurance company Direct Line has found that fully 60% of men admit to being distracted by attractive women; while 12% of women have taken their eyes off the road to leer at good-looking men. 17% of male drivers admit their actions are dangerous but claim they can’t help but look. (“The defendant pleads not guilty due to a pencil skirt and 6-inch heels.”)
– “Daily Telegraph”


✗ A Texas angler not only exceeded his bass catch limit by 35 fish, he bragged about it online and posted pics, prompting 600 angry responses as well as phone calls to fish & game officials. He’s now facing $17,500 in fines. (What a dum-bass!)
✗ Last week, deadly floods ravaged the Philippines. A clear case for aid. One of the first companies to step up and do their bit? Rather oddly … L’Oreal. It pledged 1 million sachets of Total Repair 5 Shampoo & Conditioner. (Presumably because every Filipino is worth it.)
✗ Another shooting in a theater! This time during a screening of “The Bourne Legacy” in Sparks, Nevada, where a patron accidentally shot himself in the butt when his weapon accidentally went off in his pocket. He wasn’t arrested because he had a permit to carry. (What a numb-ass!)


The 2012 update to the “Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary” includes these new terms …
• ‘Aha Moment’ – A sudden realization, inspiration, insight, recognition, or comprehension.
• ‘Bucket List’ – Things that one wants to experience before dying.
• ‘Craft Beer’ – A specialty beer produced in limited quantities, usually by a microbrewery.
• ‘Earworm’ – A song or melody that keeps repeating in one’s mind, ie: “Call Me Maybe”.
• ‘Energy Drink’ – A beverage containing caffeine and/or other ingredients to increase energy.
• ‘E-Reader’ – A handheld electronic device used for reading books and other printed material.
• ‘F-bomb’ – The ‘f-word’ used metaphorically as a euphemism.
• ‘Flexitarian’ – One whose normally meatless diet occasionally includes meat or fish.
• ‘Mash-up’ – Something created by combining elements from two or more sources.
• ‘Sexting’ – The sending of sexually explicit messages or images by cellphone.


Starting later today amusement park Adventure Landing  in Jacksonville Beach, Florida is hosting a 24-hour ‘Slide-A-Thon’ to raise money for charity. The goal is to set a new world record for the longest continuous sliding by a group of people on a waterslide.
– “First Coast News”


Over 3 million dogs across the United States are now regularly using treadmills.


1943 [69] Robert De Niro, NYC, movie actor (2 Oscars-“The Godfather II”, “Raging Bull”)

1960 [52] Sean Penn, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (2 Oscars-“Milk”, “Mystic River”)/wed to actress Robin Wright 1996-2010, Madonna 1985-89

1962 [50] Gilby Clarke, Cleveland OH, rock guitarist (ex-Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)

1964 [48] Colin James (Munn), Regina SK, rock/blues singer/guitarist (“Into the Mystic”, & the Little Big Band-“I Just Came Back”)/6 Juno Awards

1969 [43] Donnie Wahlberg, Dorchester MA, pop singer (New Kids On the Block-“Hangin’ Tough”)/movie actor (“Saw” films, “The Sixth Sense”)

1987 [25] Matthew Shultz, Bowling Green KY, indie rock singer (Cage the Elephant-“Shake Me Down”, “In One Ear”)

Movie director Roman Polanski (“The Pianist”) is 79; Movie actor-director Robert Redford (“The Horse Whisperer”) is 76; Comedian-actor Denis Leary (“Ice Age”) is 55; TV-movie actor Christian Slater (“Breaking In”) is 43; Movie actor Edward Norton (“The Incredible Hulk”) is 43; Rock musician Régine Chassagne (Arcade Fire) is 35; Comedian-actor Andy Samberg (“Saturday Night Live”) is 34; Celebrity offspring Frances Bean Cobain is 20.

Former US president Bill Clinton is 66; Classic rock bassist John Deacon (Queen) is 61; TV actor John Stamos (“Glee”) is 49; TV actress Kyra Sedgwick (“The Closer”) is 47; Country singer Lee Ann Womack (“I Hope You Dance”) is 46; TV actor Matthew Perry (“Go On”) is 43; Country singer Clay Walker (“Rumor Has It”) is 43.


• “Archeology Day” … can you dig it?
• “Canadian National Exhibition” through September 3rd, a late summer tradition in Toronto since 1879. This year’s attractions include The Arkells, Big Sugar, Nick Carter, The Spinners, Tea Party, 3OH!3, Trooper, and – as always – the Canadian International Air Show.
• “Hug Your Boss Day”, because you weren’t already feeling tense enough around him/her.
• “Men’s Grooming Day”. (What? Once a year? Were you born in a barn?) Participating salons and barbershops are hosting a day of grooming events for men.
• “Thriftshop Day”. What’s the best deal you ever found in one? Our list includes Pierre Cardin and Oscar de la Renta jackets, a solid walnut coffee table, a mint computer workstation.
• “Winnie’s Hometown Festival”, the 24th annual through Sunday in White River, Ontario to celebrate local-bear-made-good, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’.

• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school.
• “Eid-Al-Fitr” [‘eed-ul-FIT-tur’], the 3-day Islamic holiday and feast that celebrates the end of the month-long “Ramadan” fast begins. The exact beginning cannot be predicted in advance. Scanning the sky for the crescent of the new moon to usher in Eid is an Islamic ritual over 1,400-years-old.
• “International Homeless Animals Day”, observed on the 3rd Saturday of August every year.
• “Pacific National Exhibition”, the 102nd edition in Vancouver through September 3rd. This year’s entertainment includes Colbie Caillat, Down With Webster, Emerson Drive, Gavin DeGraw, Heart, Lifehouse, Olivia Newton-John, Our Lady Peace, Trooper, and others.

• “Afghan Independence Day”, celebrating the country of Afghanistan gaining full independence from the United Kingdom in 1919. Only to be invaded about 87 times afterward.
• “Soft Ice Cream Day”, honoring the chilly treat that’s dispensed out of a nozzle in enticing whirls onto a cone. Don’t forget to get it dipped in chocolate!


1987 [25] The movie “Dirty Dancing”, starring Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey, opens in movie theaters

1992 [20] Las Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton files for bankruptcy protection, admitting that he owes some $20 million


2001 [11] After performing over 400 vasectomies, 45-year-old  Dr Jonathan Heatley of London UK performs one … on himself (do not try this at home)


2008 [04] By winning gold in the Men’s 4x100m medley relay, USA swimmer Michael Phelps becomes the first Olympian to win 8 gold medals in a single Olympics (Beijing, China)


[Mon] World Mosquito Day
[Mon] Cupcake Day
[Tues] Ecological Debt Day
[Tues] Poets Day
[Tues] Senior Citizens Day
This Week Is … World Money Week
This Month Is … Runaway Prevention Month


You may have watched one too many decorating/reno shows if you’re now looking for a …
• Granite walk-in closet.
• Stainless steel armoire.
• Bedazzled countertops.
• Convection nursery.
• Gas-burning sink.
• Lap-pool table.
• Sensual backsplash.
• Walk-in oven.
• House consisting entirely of master suite.
• Non-sexy neighbor girl who can babysit.
– Thanks to Ashleigh Lambert


☎ Should cops be allowed to track your cellphone’s location without getting a warrant? A US federal court just ruled that if your carrier’s towers can see you, the police can see you too.

According to zoologists, when deer play tag what do they tag each other with?
a. Nose
b. Hoof [CORRECT]
c. Antler

It’s important to remember when starting a new exercise program … always start slowly, then gradually taper off.


Question: Men consume three-quarters of THIS product, according to “Good Housekeeping”.
Answer: Potato chips.


The trouble with trouble is that it usually sounds like fun.

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