Monday, August 20, 2012              Edition: #4812

Sheeters Always Prosper!

• Country star Taylor Swift (22) has seemingly confirmed she is dating Robert F Kennedy Jr’s son Conor (18) after they were spotted kissing in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts on the weekend. The pair look cosy and are seen walking hand-in-hand and smooching in full view of onlookers as they stroll along the waterfront in published pictures. Swift recently acquired a $4.9-million colonial mansion in the area, apparently to be near her new boyfriend.
– “New York Daily News”
• Movie actor Shia Labeouf says he’s preparing to strip off and have real sex onscreen for controversial director Lars Von Trier’s explicit new movie “The Nymphomaniac”. LaBeouf admits the prospect of working with the maverick filmmaker is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. He reveals that there’s a disclaimer right on the script that basically says the actors will be ‘doing it’ for real. Anything that is illegal, he says, will be shot in ‘blurred images’.
• Seems Tiger Woods is not only struggling with his golf game but with his real estate deals. He’s just unloaded his Corona Del Mar condominium for $2.2 million … $500,000 less than what he paid. The townhouse-style unit sits directly across the street from the beach in the poshest part of Newport Beach, California. But don’t feel too sorry for him; he still has a massive waterfront estate on Florida’s Jupiter Island (where he lived with ex-wife Elin Nordegren), plus another home in Jupiter just for his mom.
• It was a gloomy day at “The Tonight Show” (NBC) on Friday as 20-to-25 staffers have been pink-slipped amid news Jay himself is taking what is being called a ‘tremendous pay cut’ to prevent even more lost jobs. Even with severely declining network viewership, “Tonight” remains the top-rated late-night talk show and an advertising cash cow … but with an aging audience. “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” (ABC) and “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central) have siphoned off the younger fans.
• Last night on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” (OWN), Rihanna said the assault she suffered from boyfriend Chris Brown in 2009 was ‘humiliating’. Quote: “It was a confusing space to be in because as angry as I was, I just felt like he made that mistake because he needed help, and who’s going to help him?” Meantime, word has it the former twosome was spotted spending more time together ahead of her interview with Oprah Winfrey.


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – British pop star Cher Lloyd performs; 4 more acts move on to the top 24.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Rascal Flatts (“Changed”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tennis (“Young & Old”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Yeasayer (“Fragrant World”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Train (“California 37″).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Morning Parade (“Morning Parade”).


• Alicia Keys – She’s posted an update on her website announcing that her next album will be called “Girl On Fire”, which she’s currently in the studio working on. No release date as yet.
• Cee Lo Green – He’s been tapped to supply this season’s theme song for the NFL Network’s “Thursday Night Football”. “I Love Football” was recorded to the tune of The Ramones’ “Blitzkrieg Bop”.
• Coldplay – Could there be trouble in their paradise? Word has it both budgets and crews have downsized for the Europe and Australia legs of their current tour, which begin August 28th in Copenhagen.
• Flo Rida – His single “Whistle” is atop the new “Billboard” magazine ‘Hot 100′ chart. It’s his 3rd #1 single, and 7th consecutive to be certified Platinum by the RIAA.
• Jay-Z – His “Made In America Festival”, September 1-2 in Philadelphia PA, will be the topic of an upcoming documentary film by director Ron Howard. It’s Howard’s first foray into filming a music documentary.
• Justin Bieber – His latest album, “Believe”, has been certified Platinum by the RIAA for sales of 1 million units in just 1 month. The Biebs now has 5 career Platinum (or higher) album awards.
• Katy Perry – Her movie “Katy Perry: Part of Me” will be out on Blu-ray, DVD, On Demand and Digital Download on September 18th.
• Neil Young – He tells “Rolling Stone” his next album with Crazy Horse will be titled “Psychedelic Pill”. There is no release date yet but it’s expected out by the end of 2012. Young and Crazy Horse will be on the road this Fall, starting in Windsor, Ontario on October 3rd.
• Silversun Pickups – US Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been using their 2009 track “Panic Switch” at campaign stops without gaining permission, prompting a cease and desist order from the band’s attorney.


The latest craze to hit China’s beaches is a protective head mask that is being used along Shandong province’s East China Sea coast by beach-goers who want to protect their skin from the sun (think less KKK hood and more Pussy Riot cut-out mask). The colorful headgear sells for around 25 yuan (about $4). Added benefit: The face-kinis were initially designed to protect from sunburn but it turns out they are also quite handy at repelling insects and jellyfish. They’re often worn in combination with a complete body suit. (We’re guessing ogling beach bod’s is at a minimum here.)


Hurricane watchers circle today, August 20th, on their calendars every year because this is the ‘magic date’ when Atlantic & Caribbean Hurricane Season seems to kick into high gear. Like clockwork, Hurricane Irene – the Atlantic’s first hurricane of 2011 – was born just 2 days afterward. August 20th seems to be special because the air and ocean are in just the right state around this time to foster and feed monster storms. In climate-speak, this time of year is when vertical shear (a change in wind directions with height) in the atmosphere is low enough and sea surface temperatures are warm enough to create big storms. (Get ready to meet ‘Gordon’ any day now.)


The country’s with the biggest bite of encounters over the past dozen years …
5. Brazil
4. South Africa
3. Australia
2. Bahamas
1. USA (by far, mostly in Florida).


Are you so rich you need gold shoelaces? Well, they exist. Each pair takes 120 hours of sweatshop labor to complete. A high-end brainwave from designer/merchandiser ‘Mr Kennedy’, the gold laces go for $19,000. If you’re too pathetically impoverished to afford that, you can always get cheapo silver ones for $3,000. (Whether you go gold or silver, and no matter what you spend … you’re still gonna have knots.)


We have no idea if these actually work. They’re merely a compilation of recommendations …
• Baking Soda May Help Remove a Shard of Glass – Mix some with water to form a paste. When applied to the infested area it will cause the skin to swell and push the splinter out.
• Egg Whites Allegedly Reduce Fevers – Soak socks in egg whites and put them on. Your temperature is supposed to fall immediately. This is an old Amish remedy.
• Make a Mud Mask With Kitty Litter For Smoother Skin – Cat litter with no added ingredients is just bentonite clay … a form of dried mud. This works best on oily skin with large pores.
• Cayenne Pepper Can Stop Bleeding from Small Cuts – It equalizes the blood pressure and allows cuts to clot quickly.
• Eat Olives During Motion Sickness – They contain tannins that dry the saliva induced from the onset of nausea. Pop olives when you first start feeling sick.
• Duct Tape Might Help With Warts – Said to work particularly well with Plantar Warts on the sole or toes of the foot.


Can the sound of snoring reveal an illness? Scientists in Brazil now think listening to recordings of people sleeping may be a cheap and easy way of detecting at least one condition … sleep apnea. The loud and irregular snoring caused by it can leave a sufferer tired during the day, even though he or she is rarely fully awoken by the night-time disruption. Up to 10% of the population is thought to suffer from Obstructive Sleep Apnea, many unknowingly. Now the challenge is to translate the meaning of the total number of snores, their loudness, their regularity, and their pitch. (World’s worst job?)
– BBC News

✓ Gorillas can recognize each other after years apart. (“Hey Magilla, what a surprise! Where have you been since grad school?”)
– Magazine Monitor
✓ A dog can shake roughly 70% of the water from its fur in just 4 seconds. (As anyone with high quality carpeting knows.)
– “The Atlantic”


1948 [64] Robert Plant, West Bromwich UK, classic rock singer (w/Allison Krauss-“Raising Sand”, The Honeydrippers-“Sea of Love”, Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1995)

1956 [56] Joan Allen, Rochelle IL, movie actress (‘Jason Bourne’ films, “The Upside of Anger”)

1970 [42] Fred Durst, Gastonia NC, rock singer (Limp Bizkit-“My Way”, “Re-Arranged”)

1974 [38] Amy Adams, Vicenza, Italy, movie actress (“The Fighter”, “Julie & Julia”)  UP NEXT: Plays ‘Lois Lane’ in “Man of Steel” (2013).

1983 [29] Andrew Garfield, Los Angeles CA, movie actor (“The Amazing Spider-Man”, “The Social Network”)

1992 [20] Demi Lovato, Dallas TX, TV personality (“The X Factor” 2012)/movie actress (“Camp Rock” films)/TV actress (“Sonny With a Chance” 2009-11)/sometime pop singer (“Skyscraper”)


• “Discovery Day” in Yukon Territory, celebrated on the 3rd Monday of August to commemorate the discovery of placer gold on Rabbit Creek (now Bonanza Creek) in 1896, which touched off the great ‘Klondike Gold Rush’.

• “Lemonade Day”, set aside to honor the old fashioned Summer refreshment favorite. Lemonade now has a broader range of flavors to choose from. You can make regular lemonade, pink lemonade, strawberry lemonade, even watermelon lemonade.

• “Radio Day”, for no apparent reason other than someone penciled it in on a calendar years ago. To celebrate, all on-air personalities get a hefty raise, free lunch, and a magnum of Champagne. (In your dreams.)

• “Virtual Worlds Day”, celebrating the alternate lives that can be lived online as avatars in computer-based environments. That includes simulated worlds such as “Second Life” and “Habbo Hotel”, as well as multi-player role-playing games, such as “World Of Warcraft”.

• “World Mosquito Day”, observed annually to commemorate the 1897 date when Sir Ronald Ross discovered the link between malaria transmission and mosquitoes.


1987 [25] Lindsey Buckingham, who had helped turn Fleetwood Mac into one of the biggest-selling acts of the ‘70s, leaves the group after refusing to tour behind its latest album, “Tango In the Night”


1997 [15] An 88-year-old man is rescued from a burning hotel in Mattawa, Ontario – twice – after he goes back in to get his teeth


2004 [08] “Guinness Book of World Records” recognizes ‘World’s Largest Parade of Tow Trucks’ as 83 of them roll through the streets of Wenatchee, Washington


[Tues] Ecological Debt Day
[Tues] Poets Day
[Tues] Senior Citizens Day
[Wed] Southern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day
[Wed] Be an Angel Day
This Week Is … Don’t Wait, Celebrate! Week
This Month Is … Cataract Awareness Month


A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• A team of trainers would be required to get ‘Charlie Centipede’s’ ankles taped by game time.
• Even more jackasses would be in the WWE.
• Fido’s big ‘touchdown dance’ would consist of trying to catch his own tail.
• Giraffe outfielders would put a serious dent in MLB home run production.
• ‘Sports bras’ would be available with 8 cups.
• “UFC 397″ would feature badger vs mongoose.
• The real ‘Chicago Bears’ would have to forfeit the 2nd half of season as the entire team goes into hibernation.
• Only 1 camera would be required to cover the ‘Hamster Marathon’.
• Maria Sharapova would no longer be the only bitch on the pro tennis tour.
– First published in “BS” 1999.


Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


And the winners of the ‘Zombie Safe House’ competition are … (Seriously.)


☎ If you could communicate with a dead celebrity, who would it be?


When your pet moose kneels, which is he doing?
a. Resting.
b. Eating. [CORRECT. A moose’s neck is too short and his legs too long for grazing. So sometimes he has to kneel to eat.]
c. Praying.
– “Poor Cedric’s Almanac”


Question: 1-in-10 men admits to regularly performing this beauty regimen.
Answer: Plucking their eyebrows.


A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

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