Friday, August 21, 2015        Edition: #5521

Sheet Happens!

★ Tonight actress Brooke Shields and Blondie singer Debbie Harry are among the stars who act out live onstage a comedic rendering of “Kardashian Konfidential”, the autobiography by Kim Kardashian and her sisters. Soap star Susan Lucci and former model Christie Brinkley also take part in the “Celebrity Autobiography” show in East Hampton NY. As well as the Kardashian story, extracts from Justin Bieber’s 2 autobiographies, “Just Getting Started” and “First Step 2 Forever: My Story”, will be presented by actor Ralph Macchio and producer/writer Alan Zweibel.
★ This week newlywed actress Jennifer Aniston stepped out on the red carpet for the Los Angeles premiere of her new movie “She’s Funny That Way”, her first public appearance since wedding Justin Theroux earlier this month. She showed off her wedding ring for the first time but refused to divulge any details about her big day. Quote: “We had the beautiful luxury of having a beautiful private moment and I’m going to be selfish and keep it that way.” Theroux was unable to join his new wife as he’s in Texas filming the TV show “The Leftovers”.
★ And 43-year-old record producer Timbaland is sampling an unreleased Marilyn Monroe track, a swing number titled “Down Boy” which has never been heard before. It was originally recorded for the 1953 movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” but was out cut from the final edit. The song is now owned by Hollywood photographer and TV executive Jack Allen. He bought it at an auction in 2005 and originally wanted Madonna, Gwen Stefani, or Mariah Carey to work on updating the track.
– Bang Showbiz

• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – Tonight 12 acts perform at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall. Rerun.
• Billboard Hot 100 Music Festival (Jones Beach NY) – Saturday-Sunday this inaugural concert event features some of the chart’s biggest artists and rising newcomers. There are 40+ acts on 3 different stages, including Jason Derulo, Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, The Weeknd.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning 5 Seconds Of Summer (“Sounds Good Feels Good”, out October 23rd).
• “Great Performances” (PBS) – Saturday Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga perform selections from their “Cheek to Cheek” album in a special recorded at NYC’s Rose Theater.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Børns (“Candy”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Tonight Rita Ora (“Ora”); Unknown Mortal Orchestra (“Multi-Love”). Rerun.
• Musicfest NW (Portland OR) – The lineup for this 3-day weekend event: Beirut, Belle & Sebastian, Foster the People, Modest Mouse and many more.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Tonight country music veteran Tanya Tucker. Rerun.
• Texas Thunder (Gardendale TX) – The 3rd annual 3-day farmland-set country music fest is headlined by Big & Rich, Brad Paisley, Florida Georgia Line.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning Carly Rae Jepsen (“Emotion”, out today).
• “The Unauthorized Full House Story” (Lifetime) – Saturday night a made-for-TV movie about the making of the 1987-95 sitcom. Not to be confused with the “Fuller House” reunion project coming to Netflix.
• V Festival (South Staffordshire/Chelmsford UK) – Saturday-Sunday the 20th annual 2-site music fest features Calvin Harris, Ellie Goulding, Hozier, Kasabian, Sam Smith, The Script, and – huh? – Tom Jones.

• AC/DC – Saturday the North American leg of their “Rock Or Bust World Tour” gets underway at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro MA and rolls through September 28th in Los Angeles. The tour is missing both guitarist Malcolm Young (dementia) and drummer Phil Rudd (house arrest).
• Carly Rae Jepsen – The 29-year-old singer-songwriter is quick to point out that the creative spark for her new album “Emotion” (out today) came from seeing 1980s superstar Cyndi Lauper, and she ended up going back to the decade in which she was born for inspiration.
• Disturbed – After a 4-year hiatus their new album “Immortalized” is released today. They’ve been secretly writing material over the past year and recorded it in Las Vegas. A Spring 2016 tour in support of the project starts March 11th in Vancouver BC.
• Jordin Sparks – Her 3rd studio album, “Right Here Right Now”, drops today. The new set offers 14 tracks and includes collaborations with BoB, Shaggy, and 2 Chainz.
• Kelly Clarkson – This week during a performance at the Staples Center in Los Angeles she announced that she is pregnant with her 2nd child.
• Kip Moore – More than 3 years after a highly successful debut (“Up All Night”), his sophomore album “Wild Ones” is out today. Moore had a hand in writing every one of the 13 new songs.
• Lenny Kravitz – Sunday the North American leg of his world tour kicks off at the Afropunk Festival in Brooklyn NY. Dates are scheduled through September 19th at the Music Midtown Festival in Atlanta GA.
• Nicki Minaj – Security has been stepped up around her new waxwork at Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas after visitors have been spotted taking suggestive pictures with the figure. Minaj is depicted in a pose from her “Anaconda” video, on all fours, clad in underwear.
• Rob Thomas – Today his new solo album “The Great Unknown” debuts. Thomas celebrates the release with a performance for the “Today Show’s” Summer Concert Series on Monday.
• Thirty Seconds to Mars – Their 3-day “Camp Mars” Saturday-Monday in Malibu CA gives participants the chance to relive Summer Camp. The event promises a pair of performances, plus hiking, climbing, yoga, cooking classes, campfire sing-alongs, ghost stories, and s’mores.
• The Weeknd – He tells “GQ” the song “In the Night” from his upcoming album “Beauty Behind the Madness” (out August 28th) was penned in Marilyn Monroe’s old bedroom, because her old house is now home to his producer Max Martin’s studio.

• “American Ultra” ( R-Rated Action Comedy ): A stoner (who is in fact a sleeper CIA agent) is marked as a liability and targeted for extermination. But he’s too well-trained – not to mention too high – for his handlers to get the drop on. Stars Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Topher Grace, Connie Britton, John Leguizamo. Shot in New Orleans LA.
• “Hitman: Agent 47” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): In this followup to the 2007 film “Hitman”, Rupert Friend (“Homeland”) stars as an assassin with the International Contracts Agency who teams up with a woman to help her find her father and uncover the mysteries of her ancestry. Co-stars Hannah Ware, Zachary Quinto, Ciarán Hinds. Based on the “Hitman” videogame.
• “Sinister 2” ( R-Rated Horror ): A young mother and her twin sons move into a rural house that’s marked for death. With a spooky basement, home movies on film reels, and scary kids in cornfields, this sequel to the 2012 thriller is packed with horror movie tropes. Stars James Ransone, Shannyn Sossamon, and acting brothers Dartanian & Robert Daniel Sloan.
• Opening in limited release: “Digging for Fire” (Drama); “Grandma” (Comedy); “Learning to Drive” (Romantic Comedy); “6 Years” (Romantic Drama); “She’s Funny That Way” (Comedy); and “Some Kind Of Beautiful” (Romantic Comedy).

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … the older you get, the less you smell. The American Aging Association says that’s because your odor-making apocrine glands become less productive as you age. (Hmm, how to explain that ripe fog that’s always surrounding grandpa?)
• Scientists say … women who drink at least 3 cups of coffee daily reduce their chances of becoming pregnant by 27%. (So … are you on the mug?)
• Scientists say … ‘beer goggles’ actually exist! Researchers in Scotland claim they’ve proven that people who drink a moderate amount of alcohol find the opposite sex 25% more attractive. (Presumably 40-proof shots increase the percentage.)
• Scientists say … synthetic cannabis is good for Alzheimer’s patients. New Jersey’s Meridian Institute for Aging has found that the compound dronabinol appears to reduce agitation and improve the appetite of patients. (Likely because it gives them the munchies.)

The first sales pitch for the Nerf ball was … “Nerf: You can’t hurt babies or old people!”


1973 [42] Sergey Brin, Moscow, Russia [grew up Adelphi MD], computer wiz who co-founded Google with Larry Page in 1998/personal net worth estimated at $29 billion in 2015

1986 [29] Usain Bolt, Trelawny, Jamaica, world’s fastest sprinter (6 Olympic gold medals; 8 World Championship golds)/world 100 meter record (9.58) & 200 meter record (19.19)

1988 [27] Kacey Musgraves, Alba TX, country singer (“Merry Go ‘Round”)

1989 [26] Hayden Panettiere, Palisades NY, TV actress (‘Juliette Barnes’ on “Nashville” since 2012, “Heroes” 2006-09)

CBS News correspondent Steve Kroft (“60 Minutes”) is 70; TV actor Ty Burrell (“Modern Family”) is 48; Pop/rock guitarist Paul Doucette (Matchbox Twenty) is 43; Pop singer Howie Dorough (Backstreet Boys) is 42; Movie actress/comedian Kristen Wiig (“Bridesmaids”) is 42; Rock keyboardist Bo Koster (My Morning Jacket) is 41; Rock bassist Dean Back (Theory Of a Deadman) is 40; Rock guitarist Jeff Stinco (Simple Plan) is 37.

Pop singer-actor Rick Springfield (“Ricki & The Flash”) is 66; Rocker Dean DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots) is 54; TV actor Scott Caan (“Hawaii Five-O”) is 39; NBA star Kobe Bryant (LA Lakers) is 37; Rock singer Julian Casablancas (The Strokes) is 37; TV actress Joanne Froggatt (“Downton Abbey”) is 35; Dance musician Sky Blu (LMFAO) is 29.

• “Canadian National Exhibition”, through September 7th in Toronto ON, a late Summer tradition since 1879. Attractions include an aerial acrobatic & ice skating show, the 66th Canadian International Air Show, and a variety of music concerts.
• “Great American Duck Race”, the 36th annual staging of the ‘World’s Richest Duck Race’ through Sunday in Deming NM. These are real live quackers competing for prize money.
• “Men’s Grooming Day”, every 3rd Friday of August, when participating salons and barbershops host a day of special events for men.
• “Hug Your Boss Day”, because you weren’t already feeling tense enough around him/her.
• “Senior Citizens Day”, the 27th annual observance to recognize and show appreciation for the value and contribution of elders to home, family, and society.
• “Spumoni Day”, saluting the Italian dessert made from layers of ice cream, whipped cream, candied fruit, and nuts. It is typically made with 3 layers of flavor: Chocolate, Pistachio, Cherry.
• “Statehood Day” in Hawaii, celebrating the 56th anniversary of it becoming the 50th state to join the USA on August 21, 1959. Two things Hawaii does not have … snakes and billboards.

• Pacific National Exhibition in Vancouver BC, the 105th edition through September 7th. This year’s entertainment includes Beach Boys, Boyz II Men, Colbie Caillat, Hall & Oates, Lee Brice, Loverboy, Sloan, and Tom Cochrane.
• “Southern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day”, a time for everyone Down Under to go outdoors at noon at yell ‘Hoodie-Hoo!’ to chase away Winter and make ready for Spring.
• “Take Your Cat To the Vet Day”, a reminder to schedule an annual checkup. Stats show cats go the vet half as often as dogs. Many cat owners only visit the vet when their cat is ill.

• “Day For the Remembrance Of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition”, designated by UNESCO in 1998 as an annual observance to memorialize the transatlantic slave trade.
• “Go Topless Day”, an annual event on the Sunday closest to “Women’s Equality Day” (August 26th) when we’re all invited to stand up for women’s right to go topless in public.
• “Sponge Cake Day”, celebrating the fat-free dessert that’s variously known as ‘Angel Cake’.
• “Virgo” astrology sign begins (August 23-September 22). Traditional traits of people born under this sign: Modest and shy, meticulous and reliable, practical and diligent, intelligent and analytical. On the dark side, they can also be fussy and a worrier, overcritical and harsh.

2009 [06] “Inglourious Basterds”, Quentin Tarantino’s long-in-the-works satire about an American-led WW2 killing squad, opens in movie theaters

2005 [10] Rolling Stones kick off “A Bigger Bang” world tour at Fenway Park in Boston  MA (after pauses for a concussion and alcohol rehab, it wraps 2 years later as the highest-grossing tour-to-date at over $558 million)

2004 [11] American swimmer Michael Phelps wins his 8th medal of the 2004 Athens Olympics, tying him with Soviet gymnast Aleksandr Dityatin for most medals in a single Olympics (he eventually becomes the most decorated athlete in Olympic history with a total of 22 medals, including 18 golds)

[Mon] Knife Day
[Mon] Pluto Demoted Day
[Mon] Waffle Iron Day
[Tues] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Tues] Park Service Day
[Tues] Secondhand Wardrobe Day
[Tues] Whiskey Sour Day
This Week Is … Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is … Artists Appreciation Month


• Whyzit a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance?
• Whyzit drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions?
• Whyzit we leave cars worth tens-of-thousands in the driveway so we can keep worthless junk in the garage?
• Whyzit called a ‘drive-thru’ at a fast-food restaurant when everybody stops?
• Whyzit we use voicemail to screen calls but also call waiting so we won’t miss a call?
• Whyzit insurance for a car sometimes costs more than the car?

☎ If you could choose only 2 movies to ever watch again, which would they be?

Your pet Dalmatian just had a litter of puppies. What color are they?
a. Black
b. White [CORRECT. They’re born pure white and don’t start getting spots until 3-or-4 days old.]
c. Spotted

I couldn’t care less about apathy.

Question: More than a third of us say THIS little sound stresses us out.
Answer: Email notification.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

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