Monday, August 22, 2011        Edition: #4576
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

• Reality star Kim Kardashian (30) married NBA basketball player Kris Humphries (26) Saturday in a lavish made-for-TV wedding on a private estate in the Southern California hill town of Montecito. “People” magazine bought exclusive rights to the wedding, which was also filmed as a 2-part TV special called “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” (E!) to air in October. (Never has a girl earned so much for doing so little.)
– Jam! Showbiz
• Poor actor Jason Momoa had to give up his love of Guinness beer as he trained to reboot Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Conan the Barbarian” character. The actor loves to unwind with a 6-pack but had to switch to scotch while getting into shape for the new movie. His diet also called for boiled chicken breast every 2 hours. In case you haven’t tried it, he says it tastes like ‘wet cardboard’. (Such sacrifice!)
• Many have criticized the casting of an American in the new British movie “One Day’, suggesting Anne Hathaway fails to pull off the ‘Emma Morley’ character from the bestselling novel, especially her accent. But the 28-year-old actress insists her accent changes in the film are deliberate, in order to reflect the character moving from Yorkshire in the north of England to London in the south. Quote: “I wanted to make sure that the accent grew with her.” (Nice job … right up there with in Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins”.)
• 51-year-old music mogul Simon Cowell says he wants his body to be frozen when he dies, in hopes he can be thawed out and brought back to life in the future. He may have to wait awhile as he’s currently in great condition, thanks to super healthy smoothie cocktails containing fruits & spinach and a weekly intravenous drip of vitamins. Still though, he’s considering cryogenics. Quote: “I have a feeling that if I don’t do it, I could regret it in 300 years.” (If this process works, the future will be populated by sickeningly narcissistic rich people.)
• Brutal divorce? Bitter custody battle? Multiple trips to rehab? It was all water under the bridge over the weekend as actor Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller kicked back on a mini-vacation in Mexico. It seems Charlie decided to whisk Brooke south of the border as a reward for how well he thinks she’s doing with rehab … and to celebrate her birthday. (Could this be a precursor to another walk down the aisle? Stay tuned!)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Soundgarden (“Live On I-5”). Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – One eskimO (“One eskimO”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Brit band Viva Brother (“Famous First Words”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Kills (“Midnight Boom”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tune-Yards  (“whokill”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Elizabeth Cook (“Welder”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Grace Potter (“Grace Potter & The Nocturnals”).

• Amy Winehouse – Creation of a charity foundation in her name has been delayed due to ownership of the naming rights. Her father is holding donations until the foundation can be set up properly. It seems someone else secured rights before he could get the name registered.
• Blake Shelton – In the latest issue of “Cosmopolitan”, he sums up the perfect woman as being quiet, cool and collected; who likes to go to sports bars and hang out with ‘the guys’.
• Luke Bryan – His “Tailgates & Tanlines” takes over top spot on this week’s “Billboard” magazine ‘Country Albums’ chart.
• Miranda Lambert – She’s begun signing off her blog entries with ‘MLS’, presumably for ‘Miranda Lambert Shelton’.
• Shinedown – They’ve begun work on their 4th studio album with producer Rob Cavallo (Kid Rock, Green Day), who previously collaborated with the band on 2008’s “The Sound Of Madness”.
• Taylor Swift – Her ballad “Haunted” was featured on last night’s episode of “True Blood” (HBO).

According to a study in the “British Medical Journal”, a bike-sharing program in Barcelona, Spain prevents an average of 12 deaths a year. How so? Researchers say the ‘Bicing’ program has improved people’s health, reduced pollution by taking some cars off the road, and lowered the odds of accidental injury. Typically, a community bicycle program involves paying a nominal fee to check out a bike from a lockup, then returning it to another lockup at the end of your destination. In Barcelona, the program’s proved popular – as of 2009, 180,000 people, or 11% of the city’s population, were using the shared bikes. (Similar programs are spreading to cities worldwide.)

Taiwanese researchers have developed a singing robot head. The creepy humanoid head can read a simplified music score before singing the song in a synthesized voice. This is a somewhat disconcerting experience, but its developers are happy enough with their invention to claim that a collection of these singing heads could one day form part of a robotic theater troupe. These ‘face robots’ may also soon be taking on another occupation as the research group is developing them for use as robotic receptionists in large restaurants. (Yeah, there’s what we need … machines taking the few jobs that are available!)
– “New Scientist”

A look at who we are and the things we do …
• 70% of pet owners have given their pet a nickname.
• 64% of women consider themselves ‘a bit addicted’ to Facebook.
• 58% of us have lied about liking a music group or song in order to gain acceptance from someone else.
• 36% of women & 27% of men have called out a stranger for talking loudly on a cellphone.
• 33% of women are annoyed with their partners for aging better.
• 10% of moms wish the gender of their child was different.

Why do drunks feel heavier to carry when they’re hammered? Because their movements hinder rather than help. A perfectly stiff body (whether dead or alive) of the same weight is easier to carry because you can assess where to hold it and predict how it will behave. In fact, a completely rigid and straight body can be quite easy for 2 people to carry. Drunks, by contrast, sag in the middle if you try to hold each end; and they slither through your grip and provide nothing firm to hold on to. They may even struggle and try not to be lifted. (For more information, Google ‘Lindsay Lohan … falls down … again.’)
– “Focus Magazine”

You’ll never eat these again because, for one reason or another,  they’ve been yanked off the market …
• ‘Crystal Pepsi’ – Ick, a soft drink that looks like water! This dud experiment in discoloring was discontinued in 1993.
• ‘French Toast Crunch’ – Breakfast cereal with syrup & cinnamon flavoring. Ripped from grocery store shelves in 2006. The real deal tastes so much better!
• ‘Gatorade Gum’ – The stuff tastes awful to drink … so who’d wanna chew it? Gatorade was the first to learn that drinks and gum don’t mix so well in the late ‘90s.
• ‘Heinz EZ Squirt Purple (Green) Ketchup’ – There was something so awesome about colorful condiments … or maybe just so gross. Either way, barf ketchup was discontinued in 2006.
• ‘Oreo O’s’ – Mmm, breakfast cereal that tastes like cookies! The most delicious cereal of all time met its demise in 2007 … except in South Korea. Maybe it’s just to hard to say?
• ‘Pepsi Blue’ – Ick, a soft drink that looks like mouthwash! Discontinued in the US & Canada in 2004.
• ‘3-D Doritos’ – Basically just a fat chip. Apparently the world wasn’t ready for 3-D snacks in the mid-2000s. A product ahead of its time?
– Adapted from

If last week’s volatile stock market was too much for you, maybe it’s time to start trading your friends (or even strangers), based on their Facebook updates and how much they tweet. “Empire Avenue”, an online, virtual stock market game launched last year, lets players do just that. Players choose their own ticker symbol, then build a portfolio by ‘buying & selling’ others. A player’s stock goes up based on social-media activity (such as ‘likes’ on Facebook or retweets on Twitter) as well as activity on the “Empire Avenue” site. The company’s CEO says the idea came up when game creators pondered a way to measure the ‘perceived value’ of social interaction. (The ‘real value’, measured by how much it’ll matter next week … zip!)

Technology-inspired terms are among the 400 or so words added to the newest “Concise Oxford English Dictionary”. Among them …
• ‘Cyberbullying’ – The use of electronic communication to bully a person, typically by sending messages of an intimidating or threatening nature.
• ‘Follower’ – Someone who is tracking a particular person, group, or organization on a social networking site.
• ‘Retweet’ – A reposted or forwarded message on Twitter.
• ‘Sexting’ – The sending of sexually-explicit photos or messages via mobile phone.
• ‘Woot’ – An exclamation used to express elation, enthusiasm, or triumph.

According to a OnePoll survey, 67% of respondents say they are more likely to be attentive during breakfast meetings than at afternoon meetings..


1945 [66] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)

1963 [48] Tori (Myra Ellen) Amos, Newton NC, alt-rock singer (“Big Wheel”, “100 Oceans”)

1972 [39] Paul Doucette, North Huntington PA, rock guitarist (Matchbox Twenty-“These Hard Times”, “Unwell”)

1973 [38] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Just Want You to Know”, “I Want It That Way”)

1973 [38] Kristen Wiig, Canandaigua NY, movie actress (“Bridesmaids”, “Adventureland”)/TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” since 2005)

1975 [36] Dean Back, Delta BC, rock bassist/vocalist (Theory Of a Deadman-“Lowlife”, “Bad Girlfriend”)

1978 [33] Jeff (Jean Francois) Stinco, Montréal QC, rock guitarist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”, “Perfect”)

• “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cellphone in public today, give ‘em a slap upside the head … as a public service, of course.

• “Southern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day”, a time for everyone in the southern hemisphere to go outdoors at noon at yell ‘Hoodie-Hoo!’ to chase away winter and make ready for spring.

• “Tooth Fairy Day”, honoring the devious dental donor who leaves money under kids’ pillows for lost teeth. The average price now paid for prime enamel is $2.60, according to a recent poll by “VISA”. Sadly, 10% of kids who tuck a tooth beneath their bolster get … nothing.

2006 [05] Paramount Pictures severs ties with actor Tom Cruise after 14 years, citing ‘bizarre antics’ (sofa-jumping) and ‘erratic behavior’ off–screen (BS translation: obsessive devotion to Scientology)

2003 [08] Norwegian Elvis impersonator Kjell Bjornestad sets a new world record by performing ‘The King’s musical repertoire for 26 consecutive hours (not banned by Geneva Conventions?)

1989 [22] British Telecom unveils world’s 1st ‘Pocket Phones’ (the handy little drain for disposing of excess income)

1989 [22] Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers becomes the 1st Major League Baseball pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters (by firing a 96 mph fastball past Oakland A’s Rickey Henderson)

1998 [13] Westlock, Alberta farmers set a “Guinness World Record” by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (156 acres) in just 15 minutes, 43 seconds

2007 [04] Texas Rangers rout Baltimore Orioles 30-3, the ‘Most Runs Scored’ by a team in modern Major League Baseball history (4 touchdowns and a safety?)

[Tues] Permanent Press Day
[Tues] Hug Your Sweetheart Day.
[Tues] Sponge Cake Day.
[Tues] Sneak Off to the Beach Day
[Tues] Day For the Remembrance Of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition
[Wed] Rod Stewart begins Caesars Palace residency (Las Vegas)
[Wed] Waffle Day

Be Kind To Humankind Week / Minority Enterprise Development Week / Safe at Home Week


A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• “We’ll be delayed here on the taxiway while we sober up the captain.”
• “Please ring the flight attendant call button if you also have a lunch that’s still wiggling.”
• “In the coach cabin, there’ll be a $3-charge for oxygen.”
• “Don’t forget to ask your flight attendant about our ‘Frequent Near-Miss Program’ and time-saving out-of-court settlements.”
• “Does anyone on board have a pocket compass that isn’t spinning round and round?”
• “We’ve requested a little higher altitude since we just sucked a fish through the engine.”
• “Passengers, we’ll be serving complimentary champagne during this free-fall.”
• “We hope you’ll enjoy the in-flight movie on that plane next to us.”
– First published in “BS” 2000

Which possession of your partner’s would you never even think about messing with? Electronic gadgetry? Childhood Lionel train set? Perfectly manicured garden? Color-coded sock drawer?

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute  to skydive twice.

Question: Since their peak in 2003, sales of THESE have dropped by 20%.
Answer: Thong underwear.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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