Tuesday, August 7, 2012        Edition: #4803

Get a Load of This Sheet!

John Travolta’s attorney has filed legal papers firing back at the cruise ship steward who accused the movie star of exposing himself during a 2009 massage (the #3 accuser), though the lawyer does admit Travolta was aboard the Royal Caribbean vessel at the time (hmm) . . . Amanda Bynes has been accused of a 3rd ‘hit & run’ within the space of just 3 months, an LA woman filing a police report claiming the sorta actress ‘rear-ended’ her, then drove off (she must have attended the Lindsay Lohan School of Driving) . . . Former comedian & actress Roseanne Barr is continuing her bid for the White House after clinching the presidential nomination of the Peace & Freedom Party, promising to “hold corporate-funded politicians’ feet to the fire” (well okay, just don’t sing the anthem, ‘k?) . . . Actress Julia Roberts tells “You” magazine that optimism and a sense of humor are the keys to looking beautiful (this is the kinda sheet you say when you’re about to turn 45) . . . Perry Farrell, founder of the just-ended “Lollapolooza” festival in Chicago, has announced it’s expanding to another site in 2013 – Tel Aviv, Israel (joining Chile and Brazil in international versions) . . . And “LA Times” reports that Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking on the role of Downey Professor of State & Global Policy at the University of Southern California and will give his first lecture in early December (gee, hope they have subtitles).


• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Blake Shelton (“Red River Blue”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Grouplove (“Grouplove”). Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Steven Tyler (Aerosmith); Chris Young (“Neon”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Marina & The Diamonds (“Electra Heart”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – The Imagineers (“See As I Say”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Zac Brown Band (“Uncaged”). Rerun.

• Elton John – “The Sun” reports he’s lambasted his longtime rival Madonna as looking like a ‘fairground stripper’ during her “MDNA Tour”. He also criticizes her for ‘being horrible’ to his friend Lady Gaga and suggests the Material Girl’s career is over. (Meow.)
• Flo Rida – He’s just been ordered to pay $400,000 in compensation to Mothership Music for failing to show up at last year’s ‘Fat As Butter’ festival in Newcastle, Australia. (Pocket change.)
• The Game – He’s been forced to cancel a gig in Japan because … his hand got stepped on during a pickup basketball game. The incident has reportedly left the poor guy with a broken thumb and busted wrist. (BS translation: Tickets weren’t selling.)
• Kanye West – A sneak preview of his upcoming GOOD Music album “Cruel Summer”, now due for release September 4th, reveals there’s a track tentatively titled “My Perfect Bitch”, believed to be about his girlfriend Kim Kardashian. (Charming.)
• Rihanna – She’s taken Oprah Winfrey on a personal tour of her native Barbados for an upcoming TV special. Winfrey, who was invited right into Riri’s house to shoot footage, has assured fans they will love the “Oprah’s Next Chapter” special when it airs on OWN August 19th.
• Rob Zombie – Today he offers up a new remix album, “Mondo Sex Head”, on which he says he let the remixers ‘run wild’. (Hey, have at it. Haven’t made a penny on the material in years!)
• TI – His 8th album “Trouble Man”, originally expected in September, is being delayed for tweaking and fine-tuning. The main problem is too much material. He tells MTV News he had ‘like 124 songs’ that he’s so far ‘narrowed down to 86′. (All of them containing the phrase “Whatever You Like”.)


• “Bel Ami” ( NR Drama ): Robert Pattinson stars in the story of Georges Duroy, who travels through 1890s Paris, from cockroach-ridden garrets to opulent salons, using his wits and powers of seduction to rise from poverty to wealth. Co-stars Uma Thurman, Kristin Scott Thomas, Christina Ricci.
• “Dr Seuss’ The Lorax” ( PG Family Animation ): A 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the grumpy yet charming creature called the ‘Lorax’. Voice cast includes Zac Efron, Taylor Swift, Danny DeVito, Ed Helms.
• Also released today: “Curious George: Dance Party!” (Family Animation); “Dr Seuss’s The Cat In the Hat” (Deluxe Re-release); “Foreign Parts” (Documentary); “Ghost Hunters: Season 7″ (TV); “Grimm: Season 1″ (TV); “Gunsmoke: The 6th Season” (Vintage TV); “Kathy Griffin: Pants Off and Tired Hooker” (Comedy); “Marley” (Music Documentary); “Parenthood: Season 3″ (TV); “The Rookies: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); and “William & Catherine: A Royal Romance” (TV Bio-drama).


“Animal Olympics” are under way at the Changsha Ecological Zoo in China’s Hunan Province. The games will last for around 2 weeks. In one of the many events, visitors are competing with parrots at cracking sunflower seeds. And the zoo recently issued a call for 20 ‘warriors’ to challenge its elephants in a tug-of-war. Winners will be richly rewarded, the zoo promises. (We’re betting it only costs them peanuts.)
– “Shanghai Daily”


Scientists are uncovering evidence that short periods of fasting, if properly controlled, could achieve a number of health benefits, as well as potentially helping the overweight. One area of current research is ‘Alternate Day Fasting’ (ADF), involving eating what you want one day, then adhering to fewer than 600 calories the next. Surprisingly, it does not seem to matter that much what you eat on non-fast days. An easier version of ADF is the so-called ‘5:2′ diet. As the name implies you eat normally 5 days-a-week, then for 2 days you eat 500 calories if you’re female, 600 if male. There are no firm rules because so far there have been no scientific trials. (This will no doubt become a flash fad until someone discovers it’s totally bad for us.)
– BBC Health


With the Summer as sweltering as it has been this year, dapper men in the world of commerce have really gotten into the loose-tie look. Here’s how to do it …
✓ Tie your tie (one with a little heft, not a skinny one) with a slightly looser knot, then slide it down an inch or so.
✓ Unbutton 1-or-2 of your top buttons.
✓ If your shirt has a button-down collar, leave 1-or-both collar buttons undone.
✓ When your tie is slightly askew, you still look finished in a jacket (a blazer or one of the newer slim-fit suits).
And voila! You’re relaxed and formal … you’re having it both ways.
– “Wall Street Journal”


Commercial spaceflight and space tourism could become a $1.6-billion industry in the next decade, researchers have told a congressional committee in Washington DC. A joint study by the Tauri Group and the US Federal Aviation Administration has found there will be enough demand for such spaceflights to fill 400-to-500 seats per year at an average price of $200,000 per seat. Demand at these prices has been found to be ‘genuine, sustained, and sufficient to support multiple providers’. (Do you get a meal?)
– UPI.com

Apple no longer actually needs to do ANY advertising when it launches new products, its marketing chief Phil Schiller has testified at the Apple v Samsung patent trial in a San Jose, California court. Instead, the company relies on these 2 strategies …
• Rely on the media to create buzz for its products through positive reviews.
• Product placement in TV shows and movies.
The media is so reliably disposed to favor Apple’s products that when the iPhone was launched in 2007, the company didn’t do ANY advertising for a period. In addition Schiller admits, “We love to see our products used by stars.” (The reason for freebies.)
– BusinessInsider.com


The fastest cheetah on Earth has done it again, breaking her previous world record for the 100-meter dash and setting a new best time of 5.95 seconds. During a photoshoot with “National Geographic”, a cheetah named ‘Sarah’ from Ohio’s Cincinnati Zoo covered 100 meters at 98 km/h (61 mph).
– LiveScience.com

• Elephants use bass singing to keep the herd together.
– “Daily Mail”
• Palm trees once grew in Antarctica.
– BBC News


1942 [70] Garrison Keillor, Anoka MN, public radio host (“A Prairie Home Companion” since 1974)/author (“Radio Days”, “Lake Wobegon Days”)/Radio Hall of Fame (1994)

1960 [52] David Duchovny, NYC, TV actor (“Californication” since 2007, “The X Files” 1993-2002)/movie actor (“X-Files: I Want to Believe”, “Zoolander”)/Mr Tea Leoni since 1997

1966 [46] Jimmy Wales, Huntsville AL, Internet entrepreneur (co-founder and promoter of non-profit online encyclopedia Wikipedia)

1975 [37] Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa, movie actress (“Snow White & The Huntsman”, 2003 Academy Award-“Monster”)  UP NEXT: “Mad Max 4: Fury Road” (2013).

1976 [36] Barry Kerch, Jacksonville FL, rock drummer (Shinedown-“Bully”, “The Crow & The Butterfly”)

1987 [25] Sydney Crosby, Cole Harbour NS, NHL superstar center (2009 Stanley Cup-Pittsburgh Penguins)


• “Lighthouse Day”, an annual observance when lighthouse grounds, where feasible, are open to the public. No more lonely lighthouse keepers these days … they’re all automated.

• “National Hobo Convention”, the 112th annual through Sunday in Britt, Iowa. Some 30,000 professional and part-time hobos are expected to hop trains from all over North America to take in the parade, the ‘King & Queen of the Hobos’ coronation, ‘Hobo Jungle’, and ‘Hobo Museum’.
NET: http://www.hobo.com/convention/schedule.html

• “National Night Out”, the 29th annual promoting crime & drug prevention as concerned people in urban neighborhoods across North America ‘take back the streets’ by going out en masse after dark.
NET: http://nationaltownwatch.org

• “Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day”, an annual observance to draw attention to the environmentally unfriendly over-packaging of consumer goods. Which do you think are the most over-packaged products?

• “Professional Speakers Day”, an annual salute to those who move us and inform us through the magic of their oratory talents. As orator Ben Johnson once said, “To speak and to speak well are two different things.”
NET: http://www.professionalspeakersday.com


2005 [07] Peter Jennings, anchor & senior editor of ABC News, dies of cancer at his NYC home at age 67

2009 [03] “Julie & Julia” opens in movie theaters, with Meryl Streep playing master chef Julia Child  BS FACTOID: Ironically, Streep has just undergone surgery on her hand after cutting herself with a knife … in a cooking accident.


1997 [15] Garth Brooks plays to a crowd estimated at 750,000 in NYC’s Central Park, ranked the 3rd-largest concert audience of all-time (over 15 million watch on HBO)


1997 [15] Police in Lille, France warn that the ‘Garden Gnomes Liberation Front’ has made off with a dozen lawn ornaments in the previous week (the night-time commandos vow to liberate all gnomes from lawns and flower beds)


2007 [05] Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants breaks baseball great Hank Aaron’s MLB career record by hitting his 756th home run (finishes career with a total of 762, a stat that will always carry an asterisk due to his alleged use of steroids)


[Wed] “Nitro Circus: The Movie” opens in movie theaters
[Wed] Date to Create
[Wed] Happiness Happens Day
[Wed] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Thurs] International Day Of the World’s Indigenous People
This Week Is … Smile Week
This Month Is … What Will Be Your Legacy Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – That thing on your top lip isn’t an endearing feature, and certainly isn’t a feminist statement. It’s a moustache, hon’, plain and simple.
• Taurus – You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a vintage transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
• Gemini – Regrettably, not all horoscopes detail exciting events. Bearing that in mind, the coming month sees you hanging up the laundry on more than one occasion.
• Cancer – The differences between you and your peers sets you apart. And by apart, I mean they’re thinking of relocating you so that you’re as far apart as physically possible.
• Leo – It’s a good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
• Virgo – Don’t let others stifle your creativity. It’s alright to make paintings out of pigeon droppings.
• Libra – Today you will meet someone with a really ‘cute’ sneeze.
• Scorpio – A great surprise is in store. Who’d have thought you’d end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery?
• Sagittarius – Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions … or possibly smells.
• Capricorn – Bits and pieces of the day will flash before your eyes before you experience them. This is all due to the excitement of a new found love … your love of drinking methanol.
• Aquarius – That dream vacation to Albania will have to go on the back-burner while you try to resolve how your partner managed to spend $13,500 shopping online.
• Pisces – You are overworked and underpaid. Man, I’m good at this horoscope stuff, aren’t I?


What do most men notice first about a woman’s looks?
a. Her figure. [CORRECT. The choice of 74% of those polled.]
b. Her face.
c. Her hair.
– “Glamour Magazine”


I’m a Frisbeetarian. I believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


☎ August is “National Sandwich Month”. So what’s the weirdest sandwich you ever made?


Question: According to “Tech World Today, THIS electronic item is now outselling the iPod.
Answer: The hearing aid.


Health is not valued until sickness comes.

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