Monday, December 1, 2008          Edition: #3912
Bully For You!

• “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson admits he has poor hygiene when it comes to his hair … he never washes it. In a new interview he confirms, “I don’t have much of a sense of personal hygiene or styling or anything. I gave up washing it a while back.” (So how hot do you think he is now, girls?)
• Meantime, Pattinson appears on “Rolling Stone” magazine’s annual ‘Hot List’, along with rock band MGMT, “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester, the movie “Where the Wild Things Are”, and the hot new scary sport, ‘Winching’, which involves being yanked at high speed across hazard-infested water on a strapless board by a diesel winch. (What fun … ouch!)
• Madonna’s ex- Guy Ritchie is reportedly planning to replicate his successful London pub The Punchbowl in NYC, at least partly as an excuse to visit his sons Rocco & David while they’re living with their mother. Word has it Ritchie dreads the idea of becoming an ‘occasional dad’.
– “Sunday Mirror”
• Actor Robert Downey Jr has been knocked out cold while filming a fight scene on the set of the new Guy Ritchie movie “Sherlock Holmes”. Reports say Downey needed medical attention after being leveled by a punch from 7-ft-tall Canadian wrestler Robert Maillet. A nurse on set administered 6 stitches in his mouth after the accidental clip on the chin from a thundering hook. (When you’re a leading actor, everyone’s a critic.)
• “Live Earth India”, scheduled for this coming Sunday, has been cancelled due to the violence in Mumbai. The charity concert to raise awareness of climate change was scheduled to feature  Bon Jovi, former Pink Floyd rocker Roger Waters, and Black Eyed Peas’ The event was designed as a follow-up to the series of “Live Earth” concerts on 7 continents held 7/7/07.
• Movie star Leonardo Dicaprio has previously lashed out at the paparazzi who follow his every move, branding them ‘disrespectful and dangerous’. Now it seems he’s put his Malibu CA estate on the market in a further attempt to get away from the spotlight. The property, which includes a guest house and 4-car garage, is listed at just under $9 million. Most unique feature? Underground tunnels for escaping on the QT. (It isn’t paranoia if they’re really following you.)
• 56-year-old movie actor Patrick Swayze has reportedly started saying goodbye to family and friends after learning his pancreatic cancer has spread to his liver. He has just finished filming “The Beast” in Chicago, where he has been putting in 12-hour days. He’s been undergoing pioneering Cyberknife radiotherapy at California’s Stamford University Medical Center and had been making a steady recovery. But the spread of the disease to his liver is what his doctors reportedly warned would begin the countdown to the end.
• And supermodel-turned-“Project Runway” hostess Heidi Klum has kept every tooth she has ever lost and carries them everywhere she goes … in a little bag. She says she’s not sure if it’s good luck, it’s just a crazy thing that she does. (It’s unclear if she also totes around other out-of-date body parts.)

• Bond Memorabilia Auction – The annual automotive sale by Bonham’s auction house in London has a ‘Double-O-7′ theme, highlighted by the ‘AU1′ licence plate from the Royals Royce Phantom in “Goldfinger” (1964) and the 1976 Lotus Esprit from “The Spy Who Loved Me” (1977), which converted into a submarine when driven into water. It’s expected to fetch $150,000.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – “American Idol” David Cook is a guest.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – TI (“Whatever You Like”) is the musical guest.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Young Jeezy & Nas are onstage.
• “RED(WIRE)” – Coldplay, the Dixie Chicks, Elton John, Keith Urban, the Killers, Sheryl Crow, and U2 are among the acts contributing exclusive songs to this new digital music magazine. All proceeds benefit the HIV-infected in Africa. For $5, users receive a weekly issue featuring an exclusive song from a major artist, a song from an upcoming showcase artist, and a multimedia piece that outlines how proceeds are benefitting Africans in need. MSN hosts today’s launch.
• Samuel L Jackson – The hard-working ‘professional’s movie star’ receives the 23rd “American Cinematheque Award” for his ‘significant contribution to the art of the motion picture’ at a gala in Beverly Hills CA.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Chanteuse Celine Dion performs.

• Britney Spears – She appeared on Simon Cowell’s UK talent show “The X Factor” Saturday night, her first appearance in Britain in 4 years. The lip-synced performance of “Womanizer” followed televised turns in Germany (“2008 Bambi Awards”) and France (“Star Academy”) on previous nights. Her after-show performance scheduled for London nightclub Heaven was cancelled after a mini-riot broke out due to overcrowding.
• Coldplay – Frontman Chris Martin is reluctant to cook for his family because his last 2 attempts have ended in … visits from the fire department. Both times, it seems excessive smoke triggered his home alarm system.
• Lil Wayne – He’s sparked rumors of a feud with 50 Cent after making disparaging comments apparently aimed at the “In Da Club” star on a new mixtape. (In the rap biz, this is known as ‘promotion’.)
• Oasis – Noel Gallagher says the rapidly aging band is now on the same level as the Stones. He recently modestly told a concert crowd, “Everybody knows who we are. You have to see us in a league with the Rolling Stones now.” (Is that a good thing?)

A recent insurance company survey finds that, when male and female responses are averaged together, those who describe themselves as ‘blonde’ have the fewest traffic accidents. Only 56% of blonde respondents report ever being in an accident. They’re also less likely to be victims of road rage and second-least likely to feel rage against other drivers. When gender is also factored in, the best drivers are black-haired women, with just 47% ever involved in a single accident. Red-haired females are the most likely of all respondents to feel road rage. Red- and black-haired men tie for the title of ‘most accident prone’.
– “Sydney Morning Herald”

• We’re beauticians, not magicians. We can give you a star’s haircut, but not her face.
• If you’re running late, call ahead. This is a business, not fun and games.
• Don’t ask to be ‘squeezed’ in when the sked is booked. It takes time away from other clients.
• If you’re looking for a therapist, look elsewhere.
• As you get older, you need to soften the lines around your face. Layers are the magic remedy.
• A trim is not ‘just’ a trim. It requires expertise, skill, and time.
• If you try to save a buck by coloring your own hair, live with the consequences. Don’t whine.
• Asking for the ‘same cut as last time’ is demanding a lot of our memory. The average time between appointments is 6-to-8 weeks.
• Why do you think a child’s haircut should cost less than yours? Kids don’t sit still. Kids kick. It’s an intense experience.
• We see women at their worst. Their hair is wet, they have foils on their hair, they have no makeup on. There’s nothing for them to hide behind. So they tell us everything. The truth is, we really don’t care about your personal lives … just hair.
– Condensed from “Reader’s Digest”

As usual, the “2008 Christmas Book” catalogue from Dallas-based luxury retailer Neiman-Marcus includes some jaw-dropping lavish gift ideas including …
• His-and-hers life-size Lego statues made in your likeness … $60,000.
• A Titanium Fighter Motorcycle … $110,000.
• Your own Globetrotters basketball uniform and the chance to play in a real game … $110,000.
• An N-M Limited Edition 2009 BMW Individual 7 Series … $160,000.
• An authentic Guinness Home Pub … $250,000.
• The Dallas Cowboys’ end zone … literally. You get the actual turf from a Texas Stadium end zone installed in your backyard, plus a tailgate party with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and a luxury suite for a game at the new Cowboys’ stadium … only $500,000.

Robots are appearing on stage alongside human actors in a new play in Japan. The machines have been programmed to speak lines with human actors and move around the stage. Playwright Oriza Hirata says her play,  “I, Worker”, raises questions about the relationship between humanity and technology. It’s set in the near future and focuses on a young couple who own 2 housekeeping bots, one of which loses its motivation to work and complains it’s been forced to perform boring, demeaning jobs. (It’s so hard to get good help in the future, too.)
– “Social Studies”

Women born in DECEMBER live an average of 3 years longer than women born in AUGUST.

“I want my life back. I want to be able to drive my car. I want to be able to live in my house by myself. I want to say who’s going to be my security guard.”
– Britney Spears in the documentary, “Britney: For the Record”, that aired last night on MTV.

1935 [73] Woody Allen (Allen Stewart Konigsberg), Brooklyn NY, film director/writer/actor (“Vicky Cristina Barcelona”, “Match Point”)/2 Oscars (“Hannah & Her Sisters” 1987, “Annie Hall” 1978)

1945 [63] Bette Midler, Honolulu HI, pop singer (“Wind Beneath My Wings”)/movie actress (“The Stepford Wives”)

1970 [38] Sarah Silverman, Bedford NH, comedian/TV personality (“The Sarah Silverman Program” since 2007, “Saturday Night Live” 1993–94)/Jimmy Kimmel’s on & off GF

1977 [31] Brad Delson, Agoura CA, rock guitarist (Linkin Park-“What I’ve Done”, “In The End”)

• “Advent Calendar Day”, the day many kids begin opening one compartment on their seasonal calendar each day through DECEMBER 24th. Hey, is that chocolate in there?

• “Bifocals at the Monitor Day”, a day of lamentation for all those forced to tip their heads back open-mouthed in order to use a computer, thanks to their need for bifocal lenses. Gradually more and more of Canada’s 10 million Baby Boomers are suffering ‘presbyopia’ (Greek word for ‘aging eye’).

• “Let’s See What We Find In the Fridge Day”, a day to be brave and eat something from the back of the refrigerator. So what did you find?

• “Pie Day”, honoring the popular culinary creation as an ‘art form’.

• “St Eligius Day,” patron saint of farmers, miners, taxi drivers, veterinarians, jockeys and locksmiths.

• “World AIDS Day”, the 20th annual day of AIDS awareness and education, first declared by the UN’s World Health Organization in 1988. The UN estimates that 5 people worldwide die of AIDS every minute of every day. HIV has hit every corner of the globe, infecting more than 42 million men, women and children. The official symbol of “World AIDS Day” is the red ribbon. In some communities, the occasion is observed as “Day Without Art”.

2003 [05] World premiere of the 3rd and final “Lord Of the Rings” movie, “The Return Of the King”, in Wellington NZ

1971 [37] John & Yoko Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” is released

1891 [117] James Naismith, a YMCA trainer from Almonte ON, nails 2 peach baskets up on opposite ends of the Springfield [MA] College gym and instructs his students to toss soccer balls into them, thus inventing the game of ‘basketball’

1913 [95] 1st ‘Drive-In Auto Service Station’ (Pittsburgh PA)

1929 [79] Game of ‘Bingo’ invented by Edwin Lowe (nowadays it’s a $5-billion-a-year charitable fundraiser)

1998 [10] Exxon announces $73.7 billion-deal to buy Mobil Oil, thus creating Exxon-Mobil, the world’s largest company

[Tues] Special Education Day
[Wed] 51st Grammy Awards nominations announced
[Wed] Grammy Nominations Concert (LA)
[Wed] International Day of Disabled Persons
[Wed] “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (CBS)
[Wed] Coats for Kids Day
[Thurs] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Thurs] Wear Brown Shoes Day

Cookie Cutter Week / Recipe Greetings For the Holidays Week / Tolerance Week

A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …

• Every day around 10 am, he throws up on the down escalator.
• His elves are all over 6-ft-tall.
• Tells kids his favorite part of Christmas night is staring at reindeer butt for 17 straight hours.
• Tells kids to leave out a jug of gin Christmas Eve.
• He’s dyslexic and keeps saying “Oh, oh oh!”.
• After every toy request says, “Yeah, right”.
• Wears a goatee.

What is the worst human invention?

• The nativity scene you set up in your yard includes 2 plastic pink flamingos and a plastic doll in a painted tire.
• Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
• Your college nickname was ‘Mr Two-Left-Feet Totally-Uncoordinated Never-Get-It Loser-Man’.
• Your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.
• If you see a sign that says ‘Say No to Crack’ it reminds you to hike up your jeans.
• You go to the Goodwill … to meet women.

The difference between the Pope and our boss is … the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Today’s Question: THIS is the biggest selling item at Wal-Mart.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bananas.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which one you need more.

This week’s “Bull Sheet” samplers include Ally Archer @  WWJB Brooksville FL; Karla Brown @ Mix 97.3 [KMXC] Sioux Falls SD; Robb Hartlen @ 95.7 The Wolf [CKTP] Fredericton NB; Mike Rogers @ Roxy98 FM Queensland, Australia; Rob MacNamara @ 101-9 The Giant [CHRK] Sydney NS; Martin Chamberlin @ Bill Country [WBYL] Williamsport PA; Jack Beck @ Astro222FM Regrave UK; and Armand Bumanlag @ AM800 CKLW Windsor ON. Welcome all!

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