Friday, January 23, 2004        Edition: #2709
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

TONIGHT the cast of “Friends” tapes its final scene (airing MAY 6th) on Stage 24 of the Warner Bros lot in Burbank CA, marking the end of a successful 10-season run (word is Brad Pitt has rented luxury suites in Vegas for the entire cast to party in afterward) . . . 39-year-old “Master & Commander” star Russell Crowe has reportedly developed an addiction to – knitting, a hobby he took up while wife Danielle Spencer was pregnant (so much for the tough guy image) . . . 23-year-old “My Big, Fat Obnoxious Fiancé” star Randi Coy has had to quit her teaching job at Pope John XXIII Catholic School in Phoenix AZ after parents persuaded diocese officials the show wasn’t ‘in keeping with their faith’ . . . The new Australian reality TV show “Fantasy Island”, in which 200 women & 100 men will be marooned at a luxury island resort, will be the first to charge contestants a fee – $12,500 per guy plus GST (supposedly to guarantee the women financially well-off men to pick from) . . . Donald Trump’s reality show “The Apprentice” has reportedly become mandatory viewing for students at Harvard Business School and the Wharton School of Finance . . . Kid Rock says he’s planning to record an entire album of duets with ex-girlfriend and “Picture” collaborator Sheryl Crow, but that doesn’t mean any further romance between the duo – she’s dating cycling champ Lance Armstrong these days . . . THIS WEEK an intersection in Altus, Arkansas was officially named ‘Paris Hilton Boulevard’ at ‘Nicole Richie Avenue’ by mayor Veronica Post, to mark the release of “The Simple Life” on DVD . . . Members of the media in Serbia are demanding that Michael Jackson apologize for wearing one of the country’s top honors, the ‘Order of the White Eagle’, to his court case – and for putting it on upside down . . . And Ben Affleck tells German magazine “Bunte” he doesn’t consider himself sexy because he has a huge head that resembles – those giant statues on Easter Island (y’know … he’s right!).

• “The Butterfly Effect” (Sci-Fi Thriller): Ashton Kutcher’s first chance to showcase his dramatic chops premiered at this year’s “Sundance Film Festival”. He plays an emotionally unstable guy who can’t remember all the scary stuff he suffered as a kid. Somehow he finds a way to travel back in time hoping to fix the damage, but instead makes matters worse. A sign the film just might be a dud – it was originally set to open last March.
• “Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!” (Romantic Comedy): Kate Bosworth plays a small-town girl who wins a dream date with Hollywood’s hottest bachelor (Josh Duhamel). But instead of the obligatory date-and-dash she expects, a bizarre love triangle forms that includes her life-long best friend (Topher Grace), who learns there’s only room for one leading man.

SUNDAY is the annual awards presentation for movies & television by the Hollywood Foreign Press, live on NBC-TV.
• Among movies, “Cold Mountain” has a leading 8 nominations. “Lost in Translation” and “Mystic River” have 5 nominations each. Montréal director Denys Arcand’s “The Barbarian Invasions” is up for ‘Best Foreign Language Film’.
• TV nominees include “24”, “CSI”, “Nip/Tuck”, “Six Feet Under” and “The West Wing” for ‘Best Drama Series’; “Arrested Development”, “Monk”, “The Office”, “Sex & the City”, and “Will & Grace” for ‘Best Musical or Comedy Series’.
• Michael Douglas will receive the ‘Cecil B DeMille Award’ for career achievement.
• Presenters include Jennifer Aniston, Susan Sarandon, Gwen Stefani & Elijah Wood.
• The ‘goodie bag’ for presenters is valued at $26,000 and includes a $7,000 hotel package, a $2,000 bi-coastal gym membership, a $2,000 surfboard, a $1,000 diamond necklace, a $570 caviar spoon, a $400 portable DVD player, a $320 set of martini glasses, a handmade $250 steamer trunk, and a $50 box of chocolates. Other oddball items include a Donna Karan velvet quilt, and a Woolrich fur-trimmed parka.

Hong Kong researchers say they’ve determined what makes a woman attractive to a male and vice versa. It’s not the face, legs or body shape – it’s the volume (as in body volume, not voice volume). They say that at least 90% of attractiveness is determined by the ‘V-H-I’ (volume-height index). It’s thought that men, in particular, often make snap-decisions about potential mates by roughly calculating body volume before ever looking at specific features. The VHI is your volume in cubic meters divided by the square of the distance between your chin and your feet. (We figured [co-host’s] out last night at a bar – it’s about 3 quarts.)

A trio of British retirees is planning to do something never done before: drive around-the-world on – tractors. Their ‘Tractor Global Quest’ through 5 continents and 34 countries on 3 vintage machines is planned to begin in May, 2005. (Riding once around a field on the metal seat of a tractor is a pain in the butt. This amounts to intolerable cruelty!)

37-year-old auto parts heiress Belinda Stronach may get advice from a seemingly unusual source in her bid to lead the new Conservative Party of Canada. It seems she has a close friend in – Bill Clinton. He’s expected to advise her on her leadership bid and , if she wins that job, a campaign for PM in the next federal election. (Guess Bubba’s liberal politics go right out the window when it comes to women.)
Source: “NY Post”

These days upmarket consumer products are providing the inspiration for many baby names. ‘Lexus’, ‘Armani’ and ‘Chanel’ have made the top 1,000 given names – ‘Armani’ for both boys and girls. ‘Cartier’ and ‘Infiniti’ have also shown up the odd time. So …
• What product do you think would make a cool name?
• What would you have been called had your parents known how your life would turn out?

Mandy Marks of East Buckland, England claims her ‘Tiny Tim’ is the ‘world’s smallest dog’, measuring just 4-inches-tall at the shoulder. The teensy Chihuahua-Shih Tzu puppy has not grown since it was 4-weeks-old. (And died.)

Who’s the ‘most well-endowed’ presidential candidate? 46% of respondents to a “Playboy” magazine online poll think it’s Al Sharpton. Only 15% pick George W Bush. (Apparently he’s not as big a prick as we thought.)


1950 [54] Patrick Simmons, Aberdeen WA, classic rock guitarist/vocalist (Doobie Bros-“Minute by Minute”, “What a Fool Believes”)

1953 [51] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer/guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”, “I Want You to Want Me”)

1957 [47] Princess Caroline Grimaldi of Monaco, Monte Carlo MON, idle rich girl

1963 [41] Gail O’Grady, Detroit MI, TV actress (‘Helen Pryor’-“American Dreams”, ‘Miranda St Claire’-“Monk”, “NYPD Blue” 1993-96)  

1964 [40] Mariska Hargitay, LA CA, TV actress (‘Detective Olivia Benson’-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”)

1969 [35] Brendan Shanahan, Mimico ON, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings, 2002 Olympic gold medal-Team Canada )

1974 [30] Tiffani Thiessen, Long Beach CA, TV actress (‘Victoria Hill ‘-“Good Morning, Miami”, “Beverly Hills 90210″ 1994-98)

1941 [63] Neil Diamond, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (“I’m a Believer”, “Sweet Caroline”)

1963 [41] Keech Rainwater, Plano TX, country musician (Lonestar-“Unusually Unusual“, “Amazed”)

1986 [18] Mischa Barton, London UK, TV actress (‘Marissa Cooper’-“The OC”)  FACTOID: Style-watchers say “The OC” has become the most influential TV show for young fashions.

TODAY is “National Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to encourage more legible handwriting. (Especially  for doctors.)

TODAY is “National Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. (Isn’t it better used as a weapon?)

TODAY is “National Spieling Day”, celebrating that great Canadian pastime — blathering. Celebrants are encouraged to give long-winded speeches about meaningless subjects to family and co-workers. It’s a good day to play ‘Dollar-a-Second’, where phone contestants must speak for 30 seconds continuously on-air without saying ‘um’ or repeating themselves. Not as easy as it seems! (As you well know.)

TODAY is “National Compliment Day”, a day to bolster someone else’s self-esteem. Go ahead, tell someone they’re not looking as ugly as usual.

TODAY is “National Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! (Hey, any excuse to get fewer bills delivered.)

TODAY is “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good day to find the listener with the largest, then discover if it’s true what they say about guys with gargantuan feet.

SUNDAY is “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts. Get ready to hurl the haggis! FACTOID: A Chicago company has just begun commercial production of haggis – in a can – and is aiming for sales of 300,000 units across the US in its first year.

1991 [13] “Seinfeld” debuts on NBC-TV as a regular weekly sit-com (ok, you can take it off now!)

1986 [18] 1st “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees include Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry & Fats Domino

1994 [10] In a Toronto hospital, Billy Joel avoids emergency surgery by passing a kidney stone

1942 [62] ‘Tupperware’ is invented (that stuff in your cupboard you can’t find the lids for)

1981 [23] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in 50 games (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

1935 [69] Lowest-ever recorded Ontario temperature (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)

1916 [88] Browning MT sets record for 24-hour temp variation at 100 degrees (from +44 F to -56 F)

1971 [33] Lowest US temperature ever recorded (-80 F at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska)

[Mon] Australia Day
[Mon] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Tues] 76th Academy Awards nominations announced
[Tues] Backwards Day
[Wed] National Kazoo Day
[Wed] Clash Day
[Thurs] Corn Chip Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Feb 1] Super Bowl XXXVIII (Houston)
This Week Is . . . Hunt for Happiness Week / Healthy Weight Week
This Month Is . . . Health Month / Hobby Month

1. Sweden ($4 per person per year)
2. Australia ($2.50)
3. USA/Canada ($2.20)
4. Germany ($1.70)
5. UK ($1.60)
(Now we know how Swedes can stomach stinky old lutefish – they smother it in red goo!)

35-year-old Manchester CT-born masseuse Dorothy Stein, aka ‘Dr Dot’, estimates she’s gotten into more than 3,500 concerts free. How? She uses her magic fingers to limber up the likes of Mick Jagger, Sting, Eminem, Aerosmith, Justin Timberlake and a host of other tensed-up artists. In fact, whenever the Rolling Stones start up a tour, they fly in ‘Dr Dot’ for weeks at a time. Her massage sessions now cost $400 an hour – cash only. And does she have stories! She’s currently hawking her book of memoirs called “Butt-Naked & Backstage”. Ask her about the ‘bite method’.
PHONER: 973.953.5291

• “What things should absolutely NOT be done in the nude? Frying bacon? Welding? Karaoke?”
• “Which is worse – being alone or being with someone you don’t totally click with?”

KOB-FM Albuquerque NM has been running a faux announcement from the Power Cooperative of New Mexico stating that residents who fail to take down their Christmas lights will be subject to stiff fines. A good bit, although the utility is not amused – it’s been swamped with phone calls. If you’re gonna steal the idea, why not invent some mythical agency and announce a deadline for compliance? February 30th, for instance.

An unnamed New York-based former online company executive has pumped his own money into the new Website ‘Booble’, a search engine similar to Google – only it’s for adult material. It apparently allows users to filter through more than 6,000 hand-selected listings of adult Internet content. (Or at least it will … until Google gets a court order.)

Which of the following is NOT an actual recent article from a women’s magazine?
GAME 1 –
• “Discover the Amazing Moan Zone Few Women Know Exists!”
• “XXXVIII Ways to Make Him Forget About the Super Bowl!” [FAKE]
• “Trust Us, You’ve Never Tried These Techniques!”

GAME 2 –
• “Better Than Sex: The No-Carb, Lo-Cal, No-Fat Chocolate Cake!” [FAKE]
• “What His Valentine’s Gift Really Means”
• “The Boob Bible: 20 Surprising Facts About Your Set!”

GAME 3 –
• “Is Your Sex Life More About Ouch Than Ohhh?”
• “The New You – Romantic Couple Makeovers”
• “He’ll Have His Heart On If You Flaunt These Valentine Fashions!” [FAKE]

In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Today’s Question: THIS travels faster than 300 feet per second.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pain.

Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.

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