Wednesday, January 22, 2003        Edition: #2460
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the 2nd of two 90-minute kick-off specials of “American Idol 2″ airs on FOX/CTV (just in case you care what ‘Simon says’) . . . 50-year-old Miami college professor Drew Cummings has filed age-discrimination complaints against “American Idol” because they wouldn’t let him try out for the show . . . “Spin” magazine has named Britney Spears ‘Worst Solo Artist of 2003′ (and to save time, they’ve already named her ‘Worst Solo Artist of 2004′, as well) . . . Meantime, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst is telling fans at the band’s Website they need to ‘chill’ over his supposed relationship with Britney Spears and claims the media is trying to cause controversy over a relationship that is ‘simple, honest and pure’ (not to mention, a great publicity stunt) . . . “Sex & the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker & actor/husband Matthew Broderick are suing cosmetic company Sephora for using their image without consent . . . Word has it Liza Minnelli is in talks with MAC cosmetics to become the ‘face’ of the make-up company in ads (the rumor is being spread by Liza Minnelli) . . . NBC-TV’S “Dateline” has announced it will devote an entire hour on Michael Jackson’s face NEXT MONTH (hopefully this will lead to a show spending entire hour on J-Lo’s butt) . . . A tabloid is saying that Michael Jackson paid Lisa Marie Presley $5 million not to write a tell-all book (if he didn’t, you could sure get lots of donations) . . . And country singer Trace Adkins has just completed a 28-day inpatient program for alcoholism and describes the experience as ‘extremely positive’ (here’s to ya, pal!).

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Kidult Books’ – Stories that manage to appeal to both children and adults. The “Lord of the Rings” and “Harry Potter” books come to mind.
• ‘Audio Caffeine’ – New term for high energy, stimulating music that gets you moving in the morning.
• ‘Preferred Customer’ – Sounds like someone who gets special treatment, but actually just refers to someone a company has identified as buying frequently and paying bills on time.
• ‘Computer Pidgin Language’ – A new lingo Hewlett-Packard suggests PC users learn because computers still can’t recognize human speech effectively. ‘CPL’ is based on phonemes (the audio sounds used by synthetic speech systems to formulate words – sort of like ventriloquists do). For instance, computers have trouble understanding the word ‘printer’ unless it’s pronounced ‘crinter’. And ‘telephone’ to a computer is ‘teleter’.

SUPER CELIBACY:
Looks like most of us will be behaving ourselves this “Super Bowl” SUNDAY. A new ESPN poll finds that fully 83% of us would rather watch the big game than have sex.

BIG BALLS:
The International Tennis Federation is conducting an 18-month trial on a new product – bigger balls. The worry is that as modern players continue to become better, stronger and taller, they will eventually serve faster than human reaction times, diminishing the excitement of the game. So the bigger balls (6% larger but the same weight) are designed to slow down speed and bounce off the court at a steeper angle, giving players longer to react. It’s hoped the result will be longer rallies, creating more excitement. (You want more excitement? Just have Anna Kournakova wear another band-aid.)

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MINE!
“Joe Millionaire” could use this – an entrepreneurial company is making fake ATM receipts for men who want to impress their dates by fooling them into thinking they have a lot of money in their bank accounts. You just drop one in her car, for instance, then hope she finds it and looks later on. (Sort of a man’s version of getting breast implants.)

HAIRY LIPS MAKE THEM HORNY:
Residents of the Romanian village of Baleni-Sirbi say that women with mustaches are the most sought-after wives. Villagers consider mustaches a sign of fidelity and fertility so whiskered girls are thought to be the most dutiful and always get married first. (The downside is, 89% of male residents are suffering from painful chafing.)

THANKS FOR THE HELP:
Norwegian data security organization Data Inspectorate has just admitted that it unwittingly sent the ‘FunLove’ virus to its own subscribers. (We’re really sorry. By the way, you owe us $49.99.)

SCENT OF A WOMAN:
With surveys showing a sharp decline in romance, a Paris company has hit upon the idea of ‘perfumed bras’. In the drawer they’re like any other garment, but when worn or ‘caressed’, they give off the aroma of pink grapefruit, apple, watermelon, black currant or apricot. “It’s not the sort of thing you’d wear to work though,” admits spokesman Michel Lévi. And there is a drawback – after one wash, the scent vanishes. (Just like when I wash my Fruit of the Looms.)

CAN SHE PICK HIM OUT OF A POLICE LINE-UP?
Bradford, England police couldn’t refrain from laughing when a woman described a man who had cased her house the day before it was robbed. The suspect was described as a one-armed, hunchbacked, 4-and-a-half-foot-tall man with an Irish accent. (Oh no, not another one!)

TRY SHANGRI-LA INSTEAD:
Internet search site “Yahoo Travel” reports that placenames featured in “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, such as ‘Mordor’ and ‘Rivendell’, have become popular holiday search terms. It seems there are a whole whack of uninformed tourists trying to book trips to ‘Middle Earth’ without realizing the destination is fictional. (What? It is?)

ONE-A-DAY KEEPS THE PLASTIC SURGEON AWAY:
Candies that claim to give women a more bountiful bust are booming in Japan. In an ad for Body Japon’s ‘Bust Up Drops’, or ‘B-up Drops’ as they’ve become know, Japanese actress Aya Sugimoto claims that sucking on the candies every day has helped her maintain the figure she exposed for what is currently Japan’s best-selling nude photo spread. The ads feature the pitch line: “Putting power into breast cells and mammary glands, expect to grow at least one cup size a month!” (As any blonde knows, you can’t get a bigger bust from candies, you gotta chew gum!)

THIS ROSE IS A THORNY ISSUE:
Pete Rose will find out FEBRUARY 24 if he’s to be inducted into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame in St Mary’s ON. He’s been nominated based on the fact that he got his 4,000th career hit with the Expos while playing part of the 1984 season for Montréal. Rose, who’s banned for life by Major League Baseball and therefore the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, is said to be thrilled to be nominated. (Apparently he never wagered on Expos games.)

THE BULL SHEET 01.22.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [63] John Hurt, Chesterfield ENG, movie actor (Mr Ollivander-“Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone”, “Contact”, “Alien”)

1949 [54] Steve Perry, Hanford CA, classic rock singer (“Oh Sherry”, Journey-“Open Arms”)

1952 [51] Teddy Gentry, Ft Payne AL, country singer currently on ‘farewell tour’ (Alabama-“When It All Goes South”, “Say I”)/2003 American Music Awards ‘Award of Merit’ for lifetime achievement  FACTOID: Alabama has scored a total of 32 #1 singles and 22 gold albums, 2 of which sold over 5 million copies.

1965 [38] Diane Lane, NYC, movie actress (2003 Golden Globe nomination-“Unfaithful”, “The Perfect Storm”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking.

TODAY is “Speak Up & Succeed Day” (tomorrow is ‘You’re Fired, You Loudmouth Troublemaker Day’).

TODAY is “Ukrainian Day”, celebrating Ukraine’s formation in 1919. Have you noticed that the capital we used to call ‘Kiev’ is now officially spelled ‘Kyiv’ (kay-YEEV)?

TODAY is “Celebration of Life Day”, a day to honor the gift of children and grandchildren.

TODAY is “St Agnes’ Day”, the patron saint of virgins and Girl Guides, and also “St Vincent’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of wine growers. Tradition says: ‘Sunshine on St Vincent’s Day means the year’s wine will be more plentiful than water.’

TODAY is “Weedless Wednesday”, a day for smokers to kick their butts. It’s the focal point of “National Non-Smoking Week” which promotes a one-day-at-a-time approach to quitting. Studies show that most people don’t succeed at quitting on the first try but the more times you make an attempt, the more likely it is you eventually will.
REASON TO QUIT SMOKING: The average smoker loses 3.6 to 7.2 years of life and the average cigarette contains 3,800 chemical compounds, 43 of which are known carcinogens.
REASON TO KEEP SMOKING: If you take a 10-minute smoking break 4 times daily, you work a total of 1 month less each year!

THIS WEEK is “National Thrift Week”, a good excuse to give away ‘thrift store shopping sprees’ – worth 10 whole bucks each! Have the winners call back to tell about their treasures. (Or pit 2 listeners against each other in a shopping showdown.)

THIS WEEK is the 9th annual “Healthy Weight Week”, highlighted by “Women’s Healthy Weight Day” TOMORROW. The whole idea is to debunk unrealistic claims made by weight-loss companies and encourage sensible diets.
PHONER: 701-567-2646 (Beverley Brink-Hettinger ND)
NET: http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/hww.htm

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1992 [11] Canada’s 1st female astronaut (Roberta Bondar lifts off in space shuttle ‘Discovery’ as Canada’s 2nd astronaut)

1952 [51] 1st ‘nude beach’ in USA opens

1997 [06] USA’s 1st female Secretary of State (Madeleine Albright)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1964 [39] World’s largest cheese (34,590 lbs/15,723 kg) produced in Wisconsin (shocking news for those who believe the world’s largest cheese is currently hosting “The Tonight Show”)

1982 [21] It’s estimated that 75% of North America is covered by snow

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Handwriting Day
[Thurs] Measure Your Feet Day
[Thurs] Compliment Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sat] Robbie Burns Day
[Sat] Opposite Day
[Sun] Super Bowl 37
This Week Is . . . Creative Frugality Week / Nurse Anesthetists Week (try saying that 3 times)
This Month Is . . . National Oatmeal Month (please sir, I want more!) / Personal Self-Defence Month (forget karate, [co-host] uses body odor!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PEOPLE & COLORS TEST:

Here’s a fun little experiment to try on a listener or studio guest. Think of someone (who also knows you) that you can associate with the following colors. Don’t repeat answers – one person for each color: Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green. After your guest has given their answers, explain what they mean –
• Yellow – somebody who will never forget you.
• Orange – someone whom you can consider your real friend.
• Red – someone you really love.
• White – your soul mate.
• Green – a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life.

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Seen the J-Lo calendar for 2003? Every month she’s pictured with a different husband.

WHO SAID IT?
“I welcomed the idea of bad reviews because that would mean I was doing something that challenged the critics.”
a) Madonna
b) Maria Carey
c) Nicolas Cage
ANSWER: Nicolas Cage

BS ‘DOUBLE G’ GAME:
Both words in the 2-word answers to the following begin with the letter ‘G’ –
• Jack Nicholson won one of these awards given out Sunday. [Golden Globes]
• This is as close as ‘Charlie Brown’ ever got to swearing. [“Good grief!”]
• This job, currently held by Adrienne Clarkson, comes with a nice house in Ottawa. [Governor General]
• He’s jolly, lives in a valley and sells vegetables. [Green Giant]
• This ‘70s disco queen whose biggest hit was “I Will Survive” is still working. [Gloria Gaynor]
• It’s where PEI’s most famous Anne (with an ‘e’) lived. [‘Green Gables’]
• The nickname of legendary 1920s football hero Red Grange. [‘The Galloping Ghost’]
• This general’s military record made him popular enough to become US president. [General Grant]

BS Q & A:
Q: Which city has hosted the most Super Bowls?
A: New Orleans, home to the Super Bowl 9 times.
Source: superbowl.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The oldest surviving recipe was found on a 3,800-year-old clay tablet. If you followed the directions, what would you create?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Beer.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Money can’t buy happiness. It can, however, rent it.

ATTENTION: BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
Tell a colleague in another market about “The Bull Sheet”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each and every new subscriber you refer.

 


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