Monday, July 16, 2001        Edition: #2099
Here’s Another Sheetload of BS!

FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
• “I wonder where the mother bear is?”
• “It’s probably just a rash.”
• ”Nice doggie.”
• “Hey, watch this!”
• “I’ll hold it while you light the fuse.”
• “Gee, that’s a cute tattoo.”
• “What does THIS button do?”
• “The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
• “Are you sure the power is off?”
• “Pull the pin and count to what?”
• “These are the GOOD kind of mushrooms.”
• “I’ll get your toast out.”
• “Hmm. That’s odd.”
• “Duck? What duck?”
(Ask listeners for more!)

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• TODAY Robert Downey Jr will plead ‘no contest’ to drug charges in a plea bargain that will allow him to continue drug treatment rather than do jail time, according to “Daily Dish”. (We’ve honestly lost track of which charges these are and from when, but really — how many chances does this guy get?)
• UK’s “Sun” reports Mick Jagger flew to Germany on the weekend to record a duet with Bono. The as-yet-untitled track was recorded in a Cologne studio while U2 had a day off from the “Elevation” world tour. Jagger reportedly wants to release the song as a single THIS FALL when his new album is released, which will also include collaborations with Lenny Kravitz, Pete Townshend and Matchbox 20′s Rob Thomas. (Almost as many ‘duos’ as Mick gets during a week of touring.)
• Meantime, Jagger’s 17-year-old daughter Elizabeth, who’s now a $10,000-a-day fashion model, admits to “Vogue” she’s been in Keith Richards’ pants — often. Seems the Stones’ stage clothes are stored with her pop’s and in the past she has filched outfits regularly. (Who’d wanna put on pants previously worn by a creepy old guy?)
• “Sun” speculates Tom Cruise may be attempting to reconcile with estranged wife Nicole Kidman. Seems he was spotted flying IN to Fiji for a reunion with Nic’ and their 2 kids, just 24 hours after Russell Crowe flew OUT. (If this keeps up, Nicole’s gonna be worn OUT.)
• For the second time this year Michael Jackson has been dumped by his manager. His previous management team ‘The Firm’ dumped him in APRIL and now “PageSix.com” says his latest handler Louis Levin has abandoned ship after just 3 weeks on the job. Insiders say           Jackson is just too demanding and uncontrollable as an artist. (He’s already announced his next managers — Barnum & Bailey.)
• “E! Online” notes that another celebrity week on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” begins this coming SUNDAY with music stars (and has-beens) Belinda Carlisle, Huey Lewis, Left Eye Lopes, Nick Lachey, Darius Rucker, Brian McKnight and Joey McIntyre squaring off for charity. (They were going to have ‘People Who’ve Never Been on Millionaire’ week, but couldn’t find enough.)
• “Mr Showbiz” reports the following are among the celebs who will receive stars on the famous “Hollywood Walk of Fame” in 2002 – Regis Philbin, Ozzy Osbourne, Rodney Dangerfield, Amy Grant, and KC & the Sunshine Band. (Seems they’re running out of people, don’t it?)

HUG ME OR I’LL HURL:
According to a study in “Self” magazine, hugging may help avoid eating problems. Researchers found that women experiencing eating disorders often report fewer instances of being hugged as both children and adults. (For example, Camryn Manheim gets hugged all the time after inhaling a meal. It’s called the Heimlich Maneuver.)

GOBBLING GARB:
Biotechnologists at the University of Massachusetts are attempting to develop ‘living clothes’ that clean themselves using fibers implanted with a strain of E-coli that consumes dirt and human sweat. In order to bring the bacteria back to life, all you’d need to do is wear the garment and sweat it up a little. In the future, you could end up having to FEED your shirt instead of WASHING it! (By the odor in the studio this morning, it seems [your co-host] is years ahead of his time.)

MARRIAGE REDUX:
Would you marry your husband again? A “Ladies’ Home Journal” study finds 75% of women surveyed would marry the same guy all over again. 16% would pick someone else. But a bitter  8% say that, given a 2nd chance, they would not marry anyone . . . ever.

CONNOISSEUR COMEBACK:
Here’s a tidbit to mention next time some wine snob belittles the cheap plonk you’re serving from a screw-top bottle. Australian researchers now say metal screwcaps appear to be the BEST way to preserve the quality of white wine. (I’ve also found that a paper bag protects the bottle from harmful solar radiation.)

HEIR TO THE THRONE:
Britain’s Twyford company is developing the ‘Versatile Interactive Pan’ which is expected to hit the market in about 5 years. The ‘VIP’ is a ‘major breakthrough’ in toilet technology that will feature a voice-activated seat, automatic flush, and the ability to detect health problems by monitoring well, er . . . deposits. At the first sign of a serious medical condition, it will automatically contact a doctor via the Internet. (Great idea, until you’re cleaning your cat’s litter box.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.16.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [49] Stewart Copeland, Alexandria EGYPT, classic rock drummer (Police-“Every Breath You Take”, “King of Pain”)/film score composer (“Wall Street”, “Rumble Fish”)

1958 [43] Michael Flatley, Chicago IL, obnoxiously arrogant dancer (now touring in “Feet of Flames”, previously in “Lord of the Dance”, and originally in “Riverdance”)

1971 [30] Ed Kowalczyk, York PA, rock singer (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Got something special lined up for your show when you go on vacation? THIS WEEK at KLOL-FM in Houston, “Playboy” playmates are filling in for vacationing morning guys Grego Pruett and The Boner. 6 former “Playboy” centerfolds make up the ‘Playmate Radio Team’. (Because as you know, men don’t want to look at centerfolds, they want to hear what they have to say.)

THIS MONTH is “Appreciate A Geezer Month”, when we’re asked to appreciate seniors instead of relegating them to the trash heap of life. ‘The Geezer Brigade’ notes that geezers not only have most of the money but “are having greater sex than anyone ever suspected”!
NET: http://www.thegeezerbrigade.com

ON THIS DAY . . .
1994 [07] 26-year-old bad actress/gold digger Anna Nicole Smith marries 89-year-old multi-millionaire J Howard Marshall II (it must have been true love because she’s still fighting for his money in court)

1999 [02] John F Kennedy Jr, wife Carolyn Bessette Kennedy and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette are killed as his plane crashes off coast of Martha’s Vineyard

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1849 [152] 1st ‘safety pin’ (next day, 1st bachelor ‘cuffs’ his new pants in 12 seconds)

1935 [66] 1st ‘parking meter’ charges 5 cents (Oklahoma City)

1945 [56] 1st ‘atomic bomb’ explosion (‘Fat Boy’-Alamogordo NM)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1950 [51] Largest crowd in sporting history, 199,854 watch Uruguay defeat Brazil in World Cup soccer final (beer vendor dies of heart attack attempting delivery to Section 794, Row 3542, Seat 8,463)

1981 [20] Shukuni Sasaki spins a record 72 plates simultaneously (that’s nothing compared to  trying to keep this show organized every morning)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Canadian Alliance Party caucus meeting (the end of the Day?)
[Wed] Cow Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Stick Your Tongue Out Day
[Thurs] British Open begins
Space Week
Tahiti Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT MOVIE WERE WE ALL IN?

You give the 3 co-stars, your phone contestant tries to name the movie . . .
• Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill. (“Jurassic Park”)
• Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Fiorentino, Will Smith. (“Men in Black”)
• Robert Duvall, Marlon Brando, Al Pacino. (“The Godfather”)
• Ving Rhames, Tom Cruise, Thandie Newton. (“Mission Impossible II”)
• Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor (“Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace”)
• Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Jon Lovitz. (Trick question – they’‘re all voices in the now-playing “Cats & Dogs”)

BS TRIVIA:
• 562 years ago TODAY (1439), this practice was banned in England to prevent the spread of germs. What was it? [Kissing.]
• In the typical home, there are 8 of these. [Clocks.]
• If you are average, you have 9,000 of these in your mouth right at this moment. What? [Taste buds.]
• Are you more likely to die in an airplane or from accidentally falling down? [Every time you fall down, you are 6 TIMES more likely to be killed than when you travel in an airplane.]

BS TAG LINE:
Winners watch for opportunities, losers wait for lucky breaks.


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