Monday, July 9, 2012        Edition: #4782

Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

• Saturday night Angelina Jolie was honored at the 18th “Sarajevo Film Festival” with an ‘Honorary Citizen of Sarajevo’ award from Bosnia’s prime minister. She was there promoting her film “In the Land of Blood & Honey”, which tells the story of the Bosnian War via the relationship between a Serb man and a Muslim woman. (It’s the first time Jolie’s been seen in public wearing the fist-sized diamond engagement ring from fiancé Brad Pitt.)
• Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise seem to have agreed to allow their lawyers to work out a divorce settlement. Their legal teams are said to be negotiating child custody, visitation, child support, and a property settlement in NYC rather than California,  where Cruise might have a better chance of winning joint custody of daughter Suri. Holmes had a 6-hour marathon session with attorneys on Saturday. Sources close to the situation say the goal is to settle out-of-court. (We’re betting Cruise is willing to pay to keep things on the QT.)
• The Los Angeles County Coroner has amended Hollywood icon Natalie Wood’s death certificate, changing the cause from ‘accident’ to ‘undetermined’. The actress drowned in 1981 after partying on a yacht off the California coast with her husband Robert Wagner and fellow actor Christopher Walken. The case was re-opened last year and the investigation is ongoing. (If someone’s gonna get jail time, it better be soon – Wagner’s 82, Walken’s 69.)
• Teen idol Justin Bieber was driving so fast – some say 100 mph – on Friday that a total of 10 motorists called the cops to report him. He was eventually ticketed for traveling in excess of 80 mph in his expensive Fisker Karma sports car on LA’s 101 freeway. His manager, Scooter Braun, claims the Biebs was trying to shake off members of the paparazzi who were closely following him. California Highway Patrol is still investigating. (Kid, use a limo. You can afford it.)
– Jam! Showbiz
• Still embroiled in his messy divorce from Kim Kardashian, basketball player Kris Humphries may soon be jumping into another legal fight. He intends to demand his pregnant ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj take a paternity test. Even before she revealed she was pregnant – and named him as the father – Humphries was alleging she was trying to extort money. At one point he claimed their relationship was casual, that she was just his ‘booty call’ girl. (What a charmer, huh?)


• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Minnie Driver (“Seastories”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Marina & The Diamonds (“Electra Heart”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Laura Marling (“A Creature I Don’t Know”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Robin Zander (Cheap Trick).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tom Waits (“Bad As Me”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Kimbra (“Vows”).


• Amy Winehouse – Her father Mitch Winehouse tells BBC6 that “1 or 2 more albums” could be issued from unreleased material which wasn’t used on last year’s “Lioness: Hidden Treasures” album. Quote: “We don’t want to rip anybody off. We don’t want to put out dross.” (BS translation: They’ll release an album of burping if they can squeeze a penny from it.)
• Billy Ray Cyrus – He’s working on a new album for this Fall, tentatively titled “Change My Mind”, his first since 2008’s “Back to Tennessee”. He’s also slated to make his Broadway debut in “Chicago” on November 5th.
• Linkin Park – “Living Things” has become their 5th #1 album. Since they debuted on the chart in 2000 no other band has had more chart-topping albums, according to
• Miranda Lambert – She was forced to cancel weekend concerts in Varysburg, New York and Scranton, Pennsylvania due to vocal problems. Her doctor’s put her on vocal rest at least until Thursday, when she’s scheduled to play Orange Beach, Alabama.
• P!nk – Her new single “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)”, out today, is from the new album “The Truth About Love”, to be released September 18th. She says it features her daughter Willow ‘playing bells and bass’ on a couple of songs.
• Rihanna – She’s suing her former accountants, Berdon LLP, claiming tens-of-millions in losses as well as failure to properly advise her during a money-losing 2009 tour and an IRS audit. The accountants were allegedly taking 22% of tour revenue while she was getting just 6%.
• The Rolling Stones – Want to live like Mick Jagger for a week? You can rent his Mustique villa ‘Stargrove’, with beachfront pavilions, pool & Jacuzzi, use of a Jeep, and staff of 6 for $15,000. Keith Richards’ Turks & Caicos estate with butler service costs more … $8,000 a night.
• Usher – SoundScan reports his 2004 album “Confessions” has become the 19th release to sell a total of 10 million copies.


• Marcel Pohl was a student at the School of Economics & Management in Essen, Germany. A real brainiac, he passed 60 examinations and graduated in 3 semesters, instead of the normal 11 semesters. You’d think the school would be proud, but it’s suing him for €3,000 ($3,700), the tuition payments we would have made had he stayed as long as other students. It says it’s entitled to the full price for the degree, not the time spent achieving it. (Crooks!)
– “Bild”
• After election officials told Florida a congressional candidate Eddie Gonzalez he could not use a nickname on the ballot of the upcoming November election, he went before a Miami-Dade judge in January and had his name legally changed to … ‘’. Now the Florida Department of State says it has no choice about what name to use on the ballot, because it has no authority to NOT permit his legal name to appear. (Will it be listed ‘Dot-Com, VoteforEddie’?)
• Bacon lovers and cardiologists, rejoice! Slater’s 50/50 restaurant in California has come out with the ‘Merica Burger’, made from 100% ground BACON and topped with … 2 more thick-cut strips of bacon. It also contains cheddar cheese and, for cholesterol addicts, an egg, sunny side up. (Perhaps an organ-donor card with every order would be appropriate. But then, who’d want your heart?)


A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … computers can now distinguish if a person is smiling from delight, or smiling because they are frustrated. In fact, MIT researchers contend that computers programmed with the technology do a better job of it than humans. (See, they KNOW they’re driving you nuts.)
• Scientists say … gardening without warming up can be injurious to health. Hospital ERs deal with over 300,000 gardening injuries every year, including ‘Tennis Elbow’ and ‘Housemaid’s Knee’ from too much pruning and kneeling. (Not to mention ‘Dead Daisy Butt’.)
• Scientists say … someday ‘snakebots’ will be used to explore the human body. Actually, creeping metallic tools are already being used to carry tiny cameras, scissors, and forceps during surgeries. For now, they’re powered by tethers that humans control but eventually, they’ll roam around your body on their own. (Ah! The plot for “Aliens 27”.)
– AP

The ‘International Mensa Organization’ is celebrating its 66th anniversary. Founded at Oxford University by lawyer Lancelot Ware in 1946, a demonstrated IQ of at least 132 is required to join, placing members in the top 2% of the population. The group has only 100,000 members worldwide. Here’s a quickie quiz to see if you might qualify …
✓ Frank & Marianne are found lying on the floor in a pool of water and broken glass. They are dead. Why? (Frank & Marianne are goldfish.)
✓ What do the words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’, and ‘radar’ have in common? (They are palindromes, reading the same frontward or backward.)
✓ To what question can you never answer ‘yes’? (There are at least two: “Are you dead?” and “Are you asleep?”)
✓ Isabelle died at sea while Larry died on land. People were pleased that Larry had died and even more pleased that Isabelle had died. Why? (Isabelle and Larry were hurricanes.)
✓ It sings and has 10 feet. What is it? (One Direction, or any other quintet.)


• All 47 different endings to Ernest Hemingway’s 1929 masterpiece “A Farewell to Arms” will be published in a new edition of the novel this week.
• Retired cruise liner “Queen Elizabeth II” will open as a 300-room hotel in Dubai in about 18 months.
• Machine Gun Vegas opened last week, offering Las Vegas tourists ‘exquisite gun-shooting opportunities in a VIP setting’.
– The


1952 [60] John Tesh, Garden City NY, syndicated radio host (“The John Tesh Radio Show”)/author (“Intelligence For Your Life”)/former TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” 1986-96)/quasi-musician (“Power of Love”)

1956 [56] Tom Hanks, Concord CA, movie actor (Academy Awards-“Forrest Gump”, “Philadelphia”)

1964 [48] Courtney Love (Harrison), San Francisco CA, sometime singer (Hole-“Nobody’s Daughter”)/sometime actress (“People vs Larry Flynt”)/Mrs Kurt Cobain (1992-94)

1968 [44] Xavier Muriel, San Antonio TX, rock drummer (Buckcherry-“Sorry”, “Lit Up”)

1975 [37] Jack White (Gillis), Detroit MI, rock musician (“Love Interruption”, The Raconteurs-“Steady As She Goes”, White Stripes-“Seven Nation Army”)/movie actor (“Cold Mountain”)

1984 [28] Jacob Hoggard, Abbotsford BC, rock singer (Hedley-“Kiss You Inside Out”, “On My Own”)


• “Intern Appreciation Day”, a day to express gratitude to those dedicated young people who are attempting to kick off their careers by sweating it out on-the-job for free.

• “International Town Criers Day”, honoring the news announcers of yesteryear who wandered throughout towns proclaiming the latest events, announcements of importance, even the weather. (You can incorporate the observance into your show: “7 o’clock and all’s well!”; “Oyay, oyay! Red Sox lose to Yankees!”; “Hear ye, citizens. Mostly sunny and hot today …”)

• “Nude Recreation Week” begins. What would be the absolute worst sport to play naked? How about …
✗ Rugby (icky sweaty hugging in scrums).
✗ Hockey (imminent danger of high sticking).
✗ Greco-Roman Wrestling (many of the same positions as in the Kama Sutra).
✗ Basketball (all that uncontrollable bouncing).
✗ Baseball (just imagine the splinters on the bench).

• “Nunavut Day”, a public holiday in the Canadian territory of Nunavut. It honors the anniversary of the Canadian parliament’s 1993 decision to establish it as a separate entity from the Northwest Territories. The division actually didn’t come into effect until April 1, 1999.


2004 [08] “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” opens in movie theaters, starring Will Ferrell & Steve Carell (a sequel is in the works)


1999 [13] Mick Jagger’s marriage to model Jerry Hall is officially annulled in a London court, ending 8 years of marriage and a 22-year relationship (and about $37 million)

1999 [13] Elton John checks into London’s Wellington hospital to have a pacemaker installed due to an irregular heartbeat


1877 [135] 1st ‘Wimbledon Tennis Tournament’ begins in suburban London, as 21 amateurs vie for the ‘Gentlemen’s Singles’ trophy

2005 [07] Daredevil skateboarder Danny Way uses a large ramp to jump over the Great Wall of China, becoming the 1st person to clear the wall without motorized aid


2002 [10] To the boos of disappointed fans, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game in Milwaukee finishes in a 7-7 tie after 11 innings because … both teams have run out of pitchers

2006 [06] The Fiat 500 Club Italia organizes the ‘World’s Largest Parade of Fiat Cars’, from Villanova d’Albenga to Garlenda, Italy (500 of them, of course)

[Tues] Don’t Step On A Bee Day
[Tues] Pina Colada Day
[Tues] Teddy Bears Picnic Day
[Wed] Cheer Up the Lonely Day
[Wed] Slurpee Day
[Wed] World Population Day


✓ Farriers Week (They shoe horses, don’t they?)
✓ Sports Cliché Week (They dropped the ball on this last time, so it’s gut-check time this week.)


A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
Got a new band in your garage with no name on it? We’re here to help …
• Pictures From an Execution (emo)
• The Enamels (modern dentist office rock)
• The Cap Guns (road rage tunes)
• Pastrami Curtain (Italian metal fusion)
• Coathanger Barbecue (angular acid punk)
• Freezer Burn (Swedish nu metal)
• Los Fibrilators (Tejano punk country)
• Trombone Mockery (big band thrash)
• Neon Theocracy (Christian hair metal)
• The Concrete Mexicans (heavy Texican)
(But what about my new Tibetan dance music band? Any ideas, people?)
– First published in “BS” 2007.


Which will the average person do about 500 million times in a lifetime?
a. Breathe.
b. Blink. [CORRECT. About 5 times while you just heard this.]
c. Say the word ‘I’.

☎ What is your earliest Internet memory? Logging on to a Bulletin Board (BBS)? Becoming a member of AOL or Prodigy? Sending stupid jokes by email?


They say 50% of marriages end in divorce. It would be more … but they don’t count the ones who kill each other.


Question: According to a “USA Today” poll, 27% of us would absolutely love to take our family on vacation to THIS place.
Answer: The Moon.


Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.


Harry Wilson @ KCC Live, Merseyside, England; Tony Murell @ M Power FM, Nelspruit, South Africa; Travis Kelly @ The Fan [WLEG] Elkhart IN; Becky Thorson @ Colorado Country 94 [KKXK] Montrose CO; Debbie Sexton @ The Ticket [KLTD] Temple TX; Andy Park @ Radio Clyde, Glasgow, Scotland; and Anna Marie @ Panorama FM, Hennenman, South Africa.

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