Thursday, June 27, 2002        Edition: #2328
Touch Your Screen — This BS Is Still Warm!

TONIGHT “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” ends its primetime run as a regular ABC-TV series with a 90-minute edition, a victim of overexposure in just 2 seasons (when’s the last time you watched?) . . . Eminem tells “Rolling Stone” his affair with Mariah Carey is over because, quote – “She doesn’t really have it together” and “I just don’t like her as a person” (guess it wasn’t love, just her lungs) . . . Female instructors at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh are protesting the breast size of female characters in animated movies and video games, saying they’re being drawn too big (they’re cartoons for pete’s sake – the heads are too big for the bodies, too!) . . . The new automatic security system at Celine Dion’s Jupiter FL mansion issues the audible warning “Stop! Come no further!” as you approach the main gate (nice welcome mat) . . . Another sign this whole “Osbournes” thing is out of control – Kelly Osbourne will begin recording her debut album NEXT MONTH . . . MSNBC has dubbed the new movement combining rap and activism ‘raptivism’ (in other news, ‘C’ + ‘rap’ = ‘Crap’) . . . And “Maxim’s” new poll on the ‘50 Sexiest Women in Britain’ had a surprising name voted into the #46 slot – Princess Margaret, who’s moldering in the grave (thank gawd the Queen Mom didn’t place!).

Word is Harrison Ford is lobbying to have his sometime girlfriend, ex-”Ally McBeal” actress Calista Flockhart, in the upcoming 4th “Indiana Jones” flick . . . Actors Will Smith & Ryan Phillippe are teaming up to produce “White Boy Shuffle”, described as a hip-hop “Catcher in the Rye” . . . John Woo’s upcoming “Land of Destiny” will center around Chinese and Irish railway workers in early America and, if the director gets his way, will star Nicolas Cage and Chow Yun-fat. . . Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry & Amanda Peet will all be back for a sequel to the 2000 crime comedy “The Whole Nine Yards” (remember when they only made sequels to hits?) . . . Marc Anthony is in talks to play bad-boy salsa legend Hector Lavoe in a bio-film produced by Jennifer Lopez, who will also co-star . . . TBS is still looking for a an actor to play ‘John-John’ in the TV movie “America’s Prince: The JFK Jr Story”, opposite Portia de Rossi as Carolyn Bessette Kennedy and Jacqueline Bisset as Jackie O . . . Jackie Chan will star in a remake of the 1956 classic adventure story “Around the World in Eighty Days”, which will no doubt feature much less travel and far more butt-kicking.

Workers at a struggling company in Bosnia have been offered pigs instead of wages. Employees at the agricultural firm in Nova Topola were told they could either go home with pigs or just go home. The number of pigs each worker gets depends on how long they’ve worked for the firm and how loyal they’ve been. Most accepted the proposal in order to keep their jobs. (We have a similar deal here, but instead of pigs its Mariah Carey CDs.)

Excerpts from “The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex” —
• What do you do if you wake up next to someone whose name you don’t remember? [Check the medicine cabinet for prescription bottles, search a wallet, or just call them ‘honey’.]
• How can you stop a wedding? [Pull the fire alarm, or fake a seizure.]
• How can you figure out your date’s gender? [Check for hairy knuckles or an Adam’s apple.]
• How do you escape a bad date? [Fake an emergency, or slip out the window.]

An upcoming experiment in the UK called ‘The Food Animal Initiative’ combines scientists from Oxford University and farmers funded by food industry companies in a bid to design farms that make animals happier. Among the initiatives: Using satellites to track sheep grazing habits and design better fields, encouraging pigs to indulge in rooting, and creating shady spots for cows to have their calves in natural comfort. (Good idea, lull them into a false sense of security – then whack ‘em.)

• Hong Kong’s Institute of Textiles & Clothing has created a mannequin that sweats. ‘Walter’ was designed to help the garment industry develop more comfortable clothing. His temperature is maintained using internal pipes filled with heated water, and his exterior can be covered with several different ‘skins’ so a garment’s performance can be measured at varying degrees of perspiration.
• Europe’s biggest fashion retailer, Sweden’s H&M, has launched ‘wear-once paper panties’ for women. Not just for lazy launderers, they’re also meant to have in your handbag if ‘something unexpected’ happens, if you lose your luggage, or if you work out and forget to take a change of underwear. The paper panties are one-size-fit-all G-strings in red, green and black. Critics say they are strong, but uncomfortable. So far, there are no paper underpants for men.

A new sonic weapon being developed for the Pentagon makes use of one of the most fearsome sounds known to humans — a baby crying. Once aimed at the enemy, a focused beam of the familiar noise, played backwards at 140 decibels, should be painful enough to make enemy soldiers run for their lives according to its developer, American Technology
Corporation. They call it the ‘sonic bullet’ and it features 50 soundtracks to choose from. What makes it unique from previous hypersonic sound systems is it only produces noise when it hits the target. The weapon’s user doesn’t hear a thing!

PETA is demanding a gambling game be discontinued at Casino Aztar in Evansville, Indiana because it makes use of animals in a confined environment. The ‘Chicken Challenge’ is a game of tic-tac-toe that pits humans against, yup, chickens. The chickens, which always get to go first, sit inside a box and place their marks on the board by pecking a touch-sensitive computer screen. A human winner gets $5,000. A winning fowl gets a handful of corn. So far, the chickens have never lost. (So who’s the ‘dumb cluck’?)
PHONER: 812-433-4400

If a song makes you cry, chances are 99-1 that you’re a man. Very rarely is a woman moved to tears by music. (Just about anything else, but not music.)


1931 [71] Charles Bronfman, Montréal QC, former Seagrams mogul/Edgar Bronfman Jr’s uncle

1959 [43] Lorrie (Loretta Lynn) Morgan, Hendersonville TN, country singer (“Gonna Leave The Lights On”, “Out of Your Shoes”)/Mrs Sammy Kershaw (her 5th marriage)

1975 [27] Tobey Maguire, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“Spider-Man”, “The Cider House Rules”)  NEXT MOVIE: “Spider-Man 2”, set for 2004  NOTE: In MAY, he bought a $3.5 million Beverly Hills mansion with his “Spider-Man” earnings

1976 [26] Leigh Nash, New Braunfels TX, one-hit-wonder pop singer (Sixpence None the Richer-“Kiss Me”)

1991 [11] Madylin Sweeten, Brownwood TX, TV actress (Ally Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”)

TODAY is “Decide To Be Married Day”, focusing on the joys of the ball-and-chain. Ask listeners for advantages to being married that you rarely hear about.

TODAY is “Sunglasses Day”. Shades as we know them today are a 20th century phenomenon. In the 1930s, the military commissioned glasses that would protect pilots from sun glare. But they didn’t become a real fad until the 1960s when an ad campaign asked, “Who’s Behind those Foster Grants?”.
Ray-Ban sunglasses were introduced on this date in 1942. I can’t
 afford them, so I wear cheap knockoffs that distort my vision. But at
 least I look handsome in the mirror.

THIS WEEKEND is the 30th annual “World Super Gopher Derby” in Eston SK. It was initiated in 1972 by the local Lions Club and has been held annually since in conjunction with “Sportsarama Days”. It’s such a landmark event for the town, they erected a statue of a giant 8-ft gopher on the main street in 1987. 64 starting gophers (all with names) are drawn from entries that come from across Canada and the USA. There are 8 heats run daily with winners advancing to finals. Once the racing is over, the competitors are released back into the wild.
PHONER: 306-962-4444/306-962-3541 (Rod Knight)

1859 [143] The melody of the world’s most-sung song “Happy Birthday to You” is composed by Louisville KY school teacher Mildred J Hill (published in 1893 as “Good Morning To All” with lyrics written by her sister Patty Smith Hill)

1994 [08] 1st music release on the Internet (Aerosmith-“Head First”)

2000 [02] 1st ever ‘underwater leg’ of an Olympic torch relay, through Australia’s Great Barrier Reef on way to Sydney

1924 [78] Parliament approves formation of ‘United Church of Canada’ from Methodist, Presbyterian and Congregational churches

1980 [22] “O Canada” unanimously accepted by House of Commons and Senate as Canada’s national anthem, with ‘special allowance for possible changes of words’ (written by Calixa Lavallee & Adolphe-Basile Routhier, it was officially proclaimed Canada’s national anthem a few days later on July 1, 1980)

1949 [53] ‘Largest Canadian majority government’ in history as Louis St Laurent’s Liberals win 191 seats to 41 for Conservatives, 13 for CCF and 10 for Social Credit

[Fri] Paul Bunyan Day
[Sat] Camera Day
[Sun] Meteor Day
[Sun] World Cup final (Brazil vs Germany)
[Sun] Gay Pride Day (varies city-to-city)
[Mon] Canada Day (no BS service)
Canadian Hire a Student Week
Assistant Principals Week
Fireworks Safety Month


• Confused guests constantly mistake it for beanbag chair.
• Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
• You’ve replaced the cat food dish with a front-end loader.
• It’s no longer safe to lift it without a spotter.
• It waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
• It only catches mice that get trapped in its gravitational pull.
• It’s enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
• It has even more chins than lives.

Give on-air lessons on how to heckle or run a contest for the best heckling with the help of the online ‘Baseball Heckle Depot’, compiled by Michael Tolley of Toronto. A few examples of good umpire heckling – “If you’re just gonna watch the game, get a ticket!”, “We know you’re blind, we’ve seen your wife!”, and how about “When your dog barks twice, it’s a strike!”.

• Spain literally means….
a) The land of rabbits. [CORRECT]
b) The home of the bulls.
c) Horse pasture.
• Which animal has been successfully trained to herd sheep?
a) Pigs
b) Geese [CORRECT]
c) Snakes
• Pigs don’t sweat at all. How do they cool off?
a) They roll in the mud.
b) They catch breezes in their oversized ears.
c) They lose moisture through their noses. [CORRECT]
• Which breed of dog has webbed feet and 2 coats of fur?
a) Newfoundland [CORRECT]
b) Labrador Retriever
c) Manitoba Mallard
• What’s a baby eel called? Is it an….
a) Elvis?
b) Elver? [CORRECT]
c) Eely?
• A common house fly processes visual information….
a) Slower than humans?
b) 5 times faster than humans?
c) 10 times faster than humans? [CORRECT. Explaining why they’re so hard to swat.]
• Your swordless female swordfish wants a sword. Should you….
a) Forget about it and change her name to ‘Stubby’?
b) Put her on hormone treatment? [CORRECT]
c) Look in the Yellow Pages under ‘Plastic Swordfish Surgeons’?
• How many compartments does a normal cow’s stomach have?
a) 8
b) 6
c) 4 [CORRECT. The ‘rumen’, ‘reticulum’ (storage area), ‘omasum’ (where water is absorbed), and ‘abomasum’ (the only compartment with digestive juices).]

Today’s Question: 40% of us are so cheap we take these with us when we move.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: The lightbulbs.

The road to success is always under construction.

Don’t Miss Your Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “Bull Sheet”!


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