Thursday, June 20, 2002                         Edition: #2323
Warning! The following program may be distracting. Listen only as directed.

YESTERDAY Rod Stewart was barred from entering the hallowed ‘Royal Enclosure’ at Britain’s oh-so-snooty Royal Ascot horse races for wearing a pale blue summer suit and white shoes instead of the obligatory morning coat and top hat (one must keep the hoi-polloi out!) . . . One of the singles from Swollen Members’ new album “Monsters In The Closet” due out in AUGUST will be titled “Long Way Down”, a retooled version of Sarah McLachlan’s “Ice Cream” . . . 29-year-old magician David Blaine and 41-year-old actress Daryl Hannah have reportedly been an item for a couple of months and are currently hanging out in London while he plans his next big stunt – jumping into the Thames from the Tower Bridge while chained and handcuffed in FEBRUARY . . . Jennifer Lopez is planning to record a duet with Elton John (billed as ‘The Two Divas’?) . . .  The on-screen romance between pint-size “Lord Of The Rings” star Elijah Wood and his current co-star Franka Potente in the now-shooting flick “Try Seventeen” has reportedly blossomed into the real thing (is it true what they say about ‘hobbits’?) . . . Britney Spears’ 11-year-old sister Jamie Lynn Spears has landed a spot as a regular cast member on the Nickelodeon show “All That” (here we go again) . . . Pam Anderson has a new gig as a magazine columnist, writing a monthly feature for “Jane” magazine called “Pam Honestly” that will focus on domestic abuse, women’s health and parenthood (it will be the first mass-circulation magazine column done in crayon).

When director Steven Soderbergh asked Julia Roberts to ‘go Goth’ by shaving off all her hair and dyeing what was left jet black for the upcoming romantic comedy “Full Frontal”, she point-blank refused saying, “I’ll wear a wig but no more!” (we’ll see the results in AUGUST) . . . The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) will star in a pic about Kamehameha the Great, the warrior-king who united the Hawaiian islands into the Kingdom of Hawaii in the early 19th century (Rock’ll look good in a grass skirt, doncha think?) . . . Japanese film director Nagisa Oshima is making a movie about 19th-century gay Samurai warriors (instead of fighting over land, gay Samurais fought when two of them showed up in the same outfit) . . . ABC-TV is developing a biopic on 1980s all-girl rock group the Go-Go’s (“We Got the Beat”) . . . Britney Spears’ production company is developing a movie about NASCAR racing for her to star in, playing the daughter of a racing team owner who inspires a former driver to return to the sport (by singing?) . . . And another John Grisham bestseller is headed to the bigscreen — “The Runaway Jury” will star John Cusack, Rachel Weisz, Gene Hackman & Dustin Hoffman.

Creative ‘taggers’ have discovered a new way to decorate freeways — late at night they sneak onto overpasses to write messages, spelled out in plastic-foam cups stuck into chain link security fences. The so-called ‘cup-fiti’ is a difficult artform to master because the ‘cup writer’ has to stand behind the fence and form the words backwards. But it has become such a problem for clean-up crews in Arizona that it now carries a $500 fine.

British engineers James Auger and Jimmy Loizeau have designed a revolutionary new tooth implant that works like a mobile phone. The ‘tooth phone’ consists of a tiny vibrator and a radio wave receiver implanted during routine dental surgery. Sound comes into the tooth as a digital radio signal and is transferred to the inner ear through bone resonance, meaning information can be received anywhere and anytime – and nobody else can listen in. The inventors believe the gizmo could become the first in a whole array of non-medical devices implanted into the human body.

The Vatican has outlawed a self-styled Australian prophet who believes he will be the last ever Pope. William Kamm calls himself ‘The Little Pebble’ and runs the Order of St Charbel which purportedly has 500,000 members in 160 countries. He claims the Virgin Mary speaks to him on the 13th of each month at 3pm. He has a reputation for predicting disasters which never seem to happen. The Catholic church has called his behavior offensive. (And when it comes to offensive behavior, they’ve become an authority on the topic!)

“Sports Illustrated for Women” has released its list of ‘The Sexiest Men in Sports’ in its 3rd annual swimsuit issue and it includes LA Laker (and Mr Vanessa L Williams) Rick Fox and NY Met catcher Mike Piazza. While the list of more than 75 athletes is in no particular order, an online survey that asked women which athlete they’d most like to see in the issue found Olympic speedskating gold medalist Apolo Anton Ohno finished 1st, followed by Russian figure
skater Alexei Yagudin and NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter.

• 40-year-old Andrea Cabiale of Turin, Italy has been charged with fraud and harassment after allegedly arranging over 500 car accidents in an attempt to  — pick up women. All the women involved say their cars ran into the back of Cabiale’s vehicle after some form of mechanical failure (which he apparently arranged). He then asked them for contact details and proceeded to phone them for months offering dinner invitations which they all rejected. (For a picture of this guy, look in the dictionary under ‘loser’.)
• Three young Amish drivers have been charged with traffic violations in Leon NY after their late-night buggy races caused a vehicular accident with another buggy. (First it’s the buggy racing, then before you know it they’re involved in buttermilk keggers, wet bonnet contests and churning butter naked!)
• A Painesville OH man who ran from police after being stopped for drinking in a car has been ordered by a judge to run again! Judge Michael Cicconetti has sentenced Michael Logar to run in a 5-mile race NEXT MONTH, and the higher he finishes in the race, the less time he’ll have to serve under house arrest!
• An Italian prostitute has been arrested for violating competition laws. She had been charging customers TOO LITTLE, reducing her fee from the standard 35 euros to just 5 euros. (Hey, you get what you pay for.)
• Atlanta police have put out wanted bulletins for the so-called ‘dork bandit’, who is wanted in connection with 3 robberies and acquired the nickname due to his appearance and personality. (This guy’s gonna do well in prison, isn’t he?)

1. Take 2 aspirins.
2. Take 200 mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores).
3. Take 600 mg vitamin C.
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B-complex.
5. Mix the following ingredients together in a blender: 1 banana, 1 small can V-8, 6 large strawberries , 2 tablespoons honey, 1 cup orange juice, 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk), 1/4 tsp salt, dash of nutmeg.
6. Drink it all up.

It’s the ‘waggle’ of all ‘waggles’ — once he first addresses the ball, PGA tour golfer Sergio Garcia takes an average of 29 seconds to hit the damn thing!


1940 [62] John Mahoney, Blackpool ENG, TV actor (Frasier’s dad, Martin Crane-“Frasier”, since 1993)

1942 [60] Brian Wilson, Inglewood CA, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame pop singer/songwriter (Beach Boys-“Good Vibrations”, “Surfin’ USA”)

1945 [57] Anne Murray, Springhill NS, CanCon oldies singer (“Snowbird”, “You Needed Me”)

1946 [56] Bob Vila, Miami FL, home renovation TV show host (“Home Again with Bob Vila”, ex-“This Old House”)

1949 [53] Lionel Richie, Tuskegee AL, oldies singer (“All Night Long”, Commodores-“Easy”)

1952 [50] John Goodman, Afton MO, film actor (“Monsters Inc”, “O Brother Where Art Thou?”)/ex-TV actor (“Roseanne” 1988-97)   NEXT FILM: Provides voice for ‘Baloo’ in Disney’s “The Jungle Book II”, opening FEBRUARY 2003

1967 [35] Nicole Kidman, Honolulu HI, 5′-10″ movie actress (“Moulin Rouge”, “Eyes Wide Shut”/ex-Mrs Tom Cruise  NEXT FILM: Plays author Virginia Woolf in “The Hours”, opening DECEMBER

It’s tee time on the tundra! The 55th annual “Midnight Classic Golf Tournament” tees off FRIDAY at midnight in Yellowknife NWT, a unique all-night competition under the midnight sun with unusual hazards like thieving ravens, artificial greens and sand fairways.
PHONER: 867-873-4326 (Yellowknife Golf Club)

The 97th annual Summer Solstice “Midnight Sun Baseball Classic” slides in to Fairbanks AK TOMORROW night. The game begins at 10:30 pm WITHOUT artificial lights, because these days Alaskans are enjoying 22 hours of direct sunlight daily.
PHONER: 907-451-0095 (Alaska Goldpanners)

Sometime between JUNE 29 and JULY 3, the 6-BILLIONTH can of SPAM will roll off the assembly line. Interesting that in World Cup host country South Korea, SPAM is considered a delicacy to be served with a fine wine!

1877 [125] 1st commercial telephone service in Canada (Hamilton ON)

1909 [93] 1st ‘hot air balloon honeymoon’, in Cape Cod MA (“If the airship’s rockin’ . . .”)

1914 [88] ‘Noxema’ skin cream is introduced (named because it ‘knocks eczema’ out)

1987 [15] 1st album by female artist to debut at #1 (Whitney Houston’s “Whitney”)

[Today] Last Day of Spring
[Fri] 1st Day of Summer (officially arrives at 9:24 am EDT)
[Fri] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Fri] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Mon] Discovery Day (NF) / Fête Nationale or Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
Canadian Public Service Week
Physical Therapy Week
Frozen Yogurt Month


• In the memo field of all of your cheques, write ‘for sensual massage’.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Always specify that your drive-thru order is ‘to go’.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Sing-along at the opera.

Get a phone contestant (preferably a kid) to try and finish these famous sayings –
• ‘It’s better to be safe than…. (sorry’)
• ‘Strike while the…. (iron is hot’)
• ‘It’s always darkest before…. (the dawn’)
• ‘You can lead a horse to water but…. (you can’t make him drink’)
• ‘No news is…. (good news’)
• ‘You can’t teach an old dog new…. (tricks’)
• ‘The pen is mightier than the…. (sword’)
• ‘Where there’s smoke, there’s…. (fire’)
• ‘A penny saved is…. (a penny earned’)
• ‘Children should be seen and not…. (heard’)
• ‘If at first you don’t succeed…. (try, try again’)
• ‘There is no fool like…. (an old fool’)

• A man goes to a party and drinks some of the punch. He then leaves early. Everyone else at the party who had punch subsequently dies of poisoning. Why didn’t the man? [The poison was in the ice. It was frozen when he drank it, but melted later on.]
• Only one word in the English language has a single letter repeated 6 times. What is it? [Indivisibility.]

Here’s an idea for your Website – each day (week) you post two items and ask ‘Which is Better?’, allowing surfers to click-vote. It could be celebs, songs, movies, anything. The two items can even come from totally different categories. Then you develop an on-going list, ranking all the items in the order they were voted. Some suggested pairings – ‘Which is Better?’ – The Rock or the Pope?, Chocolate or sex?, Christina Ricci or Bette Davis?, “Star Wars” or “ET”?, “The Simpsons” or “Calvin & Hobbes”? You can also flip it over to ‘Which is Worse?’ — N’Sync or Pedophile Priests?, AIDS or Hunger?, Islamic Terrorists or Nazis?

Today’s Question: A study shows that in a typical marriage, the wife does this 4 times more than her husband.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Make decisions.

Be courteous to everyone. You never know who might show up on the jury.


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