Monday, June 22, 2009         Edition: #4045
Ahhhh, It’s Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Madonna & ex-hubby Guy Ritchie reunited in London on Saturday to welcome her newly adopted daughter Mercy James into the family. After the 4-year-old endured a grueling 12-hour flight from South Africa to Heathrow Airport, she was dragged to a Kabbalah meeting with her new family. Madonna & her brood are expected to stay in London a few days before returning to her NYC home. (Will she succeed in converting the world to Kabbalah by adopting everyone?)
– “Daily Mirror”
• Actress Jennifer Aniston has been spotted on another date with her “He’s Just Not That Into You” co-star Bradley Cooper, whose most recent movie is the hit comedy “The Hangover”. The twosome were seen enjoying an intimate, late-night dinner in Manhattan. A source confirms it was a date but claims Jennifer is taking it slow, not wanting to rush into anything. (Think about it, hon’. Is that wise at 40?)
– People.com
• Actor Alec Baldwin (“30 Rock”) tells “Playboy” magazine he’s going to write a parenting book, no matter how ironic that might seem to some. He claims today’s kids have ‘too much power’ and call ‘too many of the shots’, telling their parents what they will and won’t do. He blames the economy and other social issues for parents ‘going soft’. Parenting your children effectively, Baldwin says, is a ‘tough job’. (Yeah, you gotta keep a short leash on the ‘rude little pigs’. Hope you had a happy Fathers Day, General.)
– ContactMusic.com
• Kanye West may be looking to rekindle his romance with ex-girlfriend Amber Rose just a week after announcing their split. The “Stronger” hitmaker and the music video vixen had been dogged by rumors of a break-up for weeks before Kanye confirmed they’d parted earlier this month. However, the couple has now been spotted on a dinner date at a Hollywood restaurant, and were said by onlookers to be ‘very happy and very affectionate’. (Better hang on to her, Kan-man. She may be the one human who can stomach you!)
– Hollyscoop.com
• Seems one of Hollywood’s most stable acting couples … isn’t. After over 16 years of marriage actors Bradley Whitford (“The West Wing”) & Jane Kaczmarek (“Malcolm In the Middle”) are divorcing. They wed in 1992 and have 3 children. Kaczmarek currently stars as a judge on TNT’s “Raising the Bar”; Whitford starred in a Broadway revival of “Boeing-Boeing” last year. (Now that he’s not working regularly, he’s been hanging around the house bugging her.)
– StarPulse.com
• “American Idol” host-turned-prolific producer Ryan Seacrest has taken a dinner meeting with pseudo-actress, sorta-singer, mostly party-person Lindsay Lohan about developing a new reality TV show in which contestants in need of a second chance vie for $1 million to turn their lives around. Lohan would apparently sit on the judging panel, listening to stories to determine which contestant deserves a second shot. (Seacrest is already to blame for the reality shows “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, “Bromance”, and “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated”.)
– TMZ.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Chris Brown – Barring another delaying tactic, he’s finally set to face felony assault charges today at a preliminary hearing in LA. Rihanna has been subpoenaed to testify against him.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Tony Bennett (“The Complete Tony Bennett”).
• Kiefer Sutherland – Today his arraignment is scheduled in a Manhattan Criminal Court on a 3rd-degree assault charge related to that odd head-butting incident involving fashion designer Jack McCollough at a celeb party in May.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Sonic Youth (“The Eternal”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Iggy Pop (“Preliminaries”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Kelly Clarkson (“All I Ever Wanted”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Pete Yorn (“Back & Fourth”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:

• Amy Winehouse – “News Of the World” reports she’s submitted an application to become a permanent resident of the Caribbean island of St Lucia. (A move Britain was lobbying for?)
• Black Eyed Peas – Fergie blabs that she keeps husband Josh Duhamel (“Transformers: Revenge Of the Fallen”) interested by dressing up in her sexy stage costumes at home.
• Collective Soul – Tonight their multi-city summer tour kicks off at the House of Blues in Cleveland OH. Gavin DeGraw co-headlines.
• Julianne Hough – The country singer & “Dancing With the Stars” regular has won the role opposite Chace Crawford (“Gossip Girl”)  in the upcoming “Footloose” movie remake. According to “Variety”, producers are sorting out the shooting schedule around her before making the casting news official.
• Mariah Carey – She’s reportedly landed a $25,000-a-week contract to appear in an unnamed production in London’s West End theater district beginning next spring. (“Glitter: The Musical”?)
• Queen – Freddie Mercury’s middle name was ‘Pluto’. (Just one more oddity in his incredibly odd life.)
• Zac Brown Band – The Atlanta-based country act has canceled its first Canadian tour, with no reason given. A message on their website says the band hopes to reschedule in the near future. (Whenever they sell more than 23 tickets.)

NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:

• Japanese company Omron has developed software that can analyze your smile with a camera using various factors such as the angles of the mouth. The developers hope the system will be used to train shop assistants to be friendly to customers. (What a concept!)
– “Focus Magazine”
• The ‘Espresso Book Machine’ could be the biggest change in the literary world since the Gutenberg printing press. The gizmo prints and binds books in 5 minutes. Simply order up any tome your can think of from a bookseller who has one and – presto – a fresh copy is made to order in minutes. (Sort of an ATM for books.)
– “The Guardian”
• Taking note that consumer lemmings are willing to pay up to $55 for designer water, conceptual artist Scott Amron has come up with designer band-aids, made of … leather. Yup, now you can fashionably dress your boo-boos for a mere $15 a gouge. (For people with constant paper cuts from counting all their money.)
– Neatorama.com

WEIRD WINES:

What’s going on with winemakers? In the last few years vintages from around-the-world have been tagged with some truly strange names. Here’s our ranking of some of the wackiest …
10. Girl’s Night Out (Ontario)
9. Flying Pig (Sicily)
8. Hair Of the Dingo (Australia)
7. Under the Table (South Africa)
6. Naked Grape (British Columbia)
5. Bull’s Blood (Hungary)
4. Fat Bastard (France)
3. Marilyn Merlot (California)
2. Dog’s Bollocks (France)
1. Cat’s Pee On a Gooseberry Bush (New Zealand)
(And what’s the weirdest wine you’ve sipped?)
– BS original.

IN MY LIFE:

In the course of a lifetime, the average person will …
• Consume 7,300 eggs and 350 pounds of chocolates.
• Talk on the phone for 2.5 years.
• Walk 13,673 miles.
• Spend more than 6 months on the ‘john’.
• Be able to name 2,000 people and call 150 of them friends.
• Live 79 years and have 2 children and 4 grandchildren.
• Have a 60% chance to remain married to the same person.
• Have breathed enough air to fully inflate about 13 million balloons.
– “Did You Know?”

ANTICIPATION:

Research at Britain’s Oxford University finds that anticipation of an event actually heightens the sensation of whatever’s being anticipated. For instance, when a dentist drills your teeth it’s not just the actual pain but the fear of it that hurts. Researchers say this phenomenon also explains why a first kiss can make you light-headed. (Unless you’re kissing the dentist.)
– Reuters

DATING SITE PROFILES TRANSLATED:
What they say (what they really mean) …
• “40ish” (62).
• “Adventurer” (numerous sex partners).
• “Contagious Smile” (bring your penicillin).
• “Athletic” (flat-chested).
• “Free Spirited” (will sleep with anyone).
• “Average Looking” (lots of body hair).
(Ask listeners to contribute more.)
– BS original.

FOR THE RECORD:

• Tomoji Tanabe, the ‘World’s Oldest Man’, died in his sleep at his home in southern Japan on Friday at age 113. He was certified by the “Guinness Book of World Records” when he was 111. That makes Henry Allingham of Brighton, England the new ‘Oldest Man’. He turned 113 June 6.
– Yahoo! News
• Japan’s centenarian population is expected to reach nearly 1 million – the world’s largest – by 2050, according to UN projections.
– AP
• “House MD” was the world’s most watched TV show in 2008.
– PopBitch.com

BS CHRONOMETER 06.22.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [60] Meryl (Mary Louise) Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress (“Doubt”, “The Devil Wears Prada”)/15 Academy Award nominations & 2 Oscars (“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)/record 6 Golden Globe Awards

1952 [57] Graham Greene, Six Nations Reserve ON, movie actor (“Dances With Wolves”, “The Green Mile”)/TV actor (“The Red Green Show”, “The Adventures of Dudley the Dragon”)

1953 [56] Cyndi Lauper, Ozone Park NY, oldies singer (“Time After Time”, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”)/human rights advocate (“True Colors Tour”)

1964 [45] Dan Brown, Exeter NH, really rich author ( “Angels & Demons”, “The Da Vinci Code”, which sold over 60 million copies worldwide)

1964 [45] Amy Brenneman, New London CT, TV actress (‘Dr Violet Turner’ on “Private Practice” since 2007, ‘Amy Gray’ on “Judging Amy” 1999-2005)

1970 [39] Steven Page, Toronto ON, pop singer (ex-Barenaked Ladies-“Pinch Me “, “One Week”)

1973 [36] Carson Daly, Santa Monica CA, TV host (NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly” since 2002, MTV’s “Total Request Live” 1998-2003)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Mirthday”, a day to celebrate individualism and appreciate your own uniqueness. This is the day to make choices that are for your own good. It’s also a good excuse for a ‘Mirthday Party’ … although it kinda sounds like a speech impediment.

• “Stupid Guy Thing Day”. Women are always talking about it (“Oh that’s just another stupid guy thing …”), so here’s the day to commemorate it! Women everywhere are encouraged to make a list of ‘Stupid Guy Things’ and pass it on. A few primers …
– Using anything sharp, dangerous, shiny, and/or pointy as a toy, play sword, etc.
– Making things explode and/or burn.
– Eating everything in sight.
– Punching everyone you see in the arm as a friendly “Hello”.
– Watching TV sports.
– Using power tools.
– Driving souped-up cars.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .

1989 [20] “Batman” opens in movie theaters, starring Michael Keaton as the ‘Caped Crusader’,
Jack Nicholson is as ‘The Joker’, and Kim Basinger as ‘Vicky Vale’

2008 [01] Comedian George Carlin dies in Santa Monica CA at age 71

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .

1873 [136] PEI joins Canada (adding a few friendly folks and a whole bunch of spuds)

1979 [30] NHL absorbs Winnipeg, Québec, Hartford & Edmonton teams from defunct World Hockey Association (Winnipeg is now in Phoenix, Québec in Colorado, and Hartford in Carolina, leaving the Edmonton Oilers as the only original WHA team still in existence)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] “America’s Got Talent” season debut (NBC)
[Tues] National Columnists Day
[Wed] “Transformers: Revenge Of the Fallen” opens in movie theaters
[Wed] Celebration of the Senses
[Wed] St-Jean-Baptiste Day (Fête National du Québec)
[Thurs] Handshake Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Camping Week / Carpenter Ant Awareness Week / Mosquito Control Awareness Week / Old-Time Fiddler’s Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
YOU KNOW YOU TAKE YOUR KIDS’ SPORTS TOO SERIOUSLY IF …
• In your house, potty training involves a starter’s pistol.
• You’ve replaced ‘Flintstone Chewable Vitamins’ with ‘WWE Chewable Steroids’.
• You’ve ever had a fist-fight with the goaltender’s grandmother.
• Going shirtless with your chest painted in the team colors doesn’t sit well with the other soccer moms.
• You’ve ever fired live ammo over your kid’s head when he’s running between bases.
• You abstain from sex the night before a T-ball game.
• You’ve ever said to your daughter, “Put down the Gatorade, Jennifer … the Gatorade is for winners.”

BS PHONE STARTER:

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
The last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it’s still on the list.

BS WEB GOODIE:

The new product ‘Pawfume’ is touted as a low-irritant perfume that deodorizes pets while also providing a shiny coat. It’s water-based, formulated with wheat protein, and purportedly has an ‘oceanic scent’ that leaves your pet smelling sensational. Retails for about $20. (And will be totally licked off within 7 minutes.)
NET: http://www.chemistwarehouse.com.au/product.asp?id=56912

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 60% of Canadians have one of THESE but only 20% of Americans.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A passport.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.


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