Monday, March 14, 2011        Edition: #4461
Sheet Happens!

• Tweeting that the ‘pain & devastation in Japan demands us all to dig deep & love them violently’, Charlie Sheen has pledged to donate $1 from the sale of every ticket to his upcoming stage shows to the Red Cross relief fund for victims of the Japanese earthquake. Tickets to his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option Show Live”, coming to Chicago and Detroit in April, sold out in minutes when they went on sale on Saturday. (Sheen live on stage … now there’s a recipe for disaster.)
• In an article for, actor Alec Baldwin has urged Charlie Sheen to ‘sober up’ and ‘beg’ TV executives to reinstate him on “Two-And-a-Half Men”, insisting the troubled actor ‘can’t win’ his battle with TV bosses. Baldwin also suggests Sheen should apologize, ‘beg for America’s forgiveness’, and buy former co-star Jon Cryer (‘Alan Harper’) a really nice car. (Even if he was a ‘thoughtless little pig’.)
• “Twilight” stars Kristen Stewart & Taylor Lautner have been evacuated due to tsunami warnings issued after Friday’s earthquake in Japan. They’d been shooting scenes for the next instalment in the vampire franchise, “Breaking Dawn”, on a Vancouver Island beach when production was halted and the entire cast & crew moved out of the area as a safety precaution. More than 20 countries around the Pacific Rim, including the entire North American West Coast, were placed on high alert after the massive 8.9-magnitude quake.
– MTV News
• Today “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Richard Hatch (the original “Survivor” winner) is heading back to prison after being sentenced to a further 9-month term for tax evasion. Hatch has already served 3 years for the same crime, but a judge ruled on Friday that he failed to complete the terms of his probation from the initial charge. (All of this for failing to pay tax on his million-dollar “Survivor” win 11 years ago.)
• 55-year-old actor Mel Gibson has been sentenced to 3 years probation and ordered to undergo a further year of counseling after pleading no contest to a charge of simple misdemeanor battery over his infamous set-to with ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. The plea deal has served to keep him out of jail. Gibson, who has been undergoing counseling since January, must now complete another 52 weeks before March 31, 2012. He is due back in court June 9th for a progress report. (Is his career over?)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Guster (“Easy Wonderful”).
• “Gayle King” (OWN) – Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”).
• Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Class of 2011 (NYC) – At the 26th annual Induction Ceremony at the Waldorf-Astoria, Neil Young inducts Tom Waits; Elton John admits recent collaborator Leon Russell; Paul Simon introduces Neil Diamond; Rob Zombie inducts tour-mate Alice Cooper; John Legend welcomes Dr John; and Bette Midler admits Darlene Love. Artists are eligible 25 years after the release of their first recording.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ron Sexsmith (“Long Player Late Bloomer”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – A Perfect Circle (“Emotive”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Stackridge (“A Victory For Common Sense”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – The Chieftains (“San Patricio”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Cold War Kids (“Mine Is Yours”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – “American Idol” cast-off Ashton Jones.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Chrisette Michele (“Let Freedom Reign”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Avril Lavigne (“Goodbye Lullaby”).

• Beach Boys – Capitol Records is finally planning to release the legendary lost album “Smile” later this year as a 2-CD set dubbed “The Smile Sessions”, as an iTunes digital album, and also as a limited-edition box set containing 4 CDs, 2 vinyl LPs, 2 vinyl singles, and a 60-page book.
• Bob Dylan – He’s been approved by China’s Ministry of Culture to play his first-ever concerts in the country. However, he’ll be required to stick with a set-list that has been deemed ‘appropriate’ for Chinese audiences.
• Bryan Adams– “Sunday Telegraph” reports the 51-year-old is set to become a first-time father. He’s said to be in a relationship with his personal assistant, Alicia Grimaldi, and they are expecting a baby together in May.
• Jewel – Her SUV collided with a fire truck near Stephenville TX on Friday. She was taken to a hospital where medical tests indicate both she & her unborn baby son are fine. She later credited her vehicle with saving her life, tweeting that she would definitely ‘get another Cadillac SRX’. (Cleverly putting herself in line for a freebie.)
• Justin Timberlake – He & actress Jessica Biel are back on the singles market as their 4-year relationship is now kaput. Their reps have released a joint statement saying the former twosome ‘remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other’. (BS translation: Keep that jerk out of my sight!)

A team of psychologists at Yale University has been investigating our attraction to objects that have been owned by various celebrities. Among other findings, the team has discovered that a sweater owned by a popular celebrity becomes more valuable to people if they find out that it’s actually been worn by their idol. But if the sweater has subsequently been cleaned and sterilized, it becomes less valuable to fans, apparently because the celebrity’s essence has somehow been removed. (If it doesn’t stink like Clooney, I’m not buying it!)
– “New York Times”

• A 35-year-old Shrewsbury UK dentist has been suspended while he faces a number of clinical and conduct charges including, asking patients to show their money before providing treatment; telling a patient he had bad breath; making derogatory comments about unemployed patients; and … belching and breaking wind during appointments.
– BBC News
• Burglars in Indonesia have robbed a home … literally. The shocking theft was discovered when the landlord arrived to pick up the rent at the 2-story house and found that the entire structure and everything in it had been taken, except for a discarded TV set. Neighbors saw men carrying the building away in pieces but assumed it was legal demolition work.
• Culture officials are hoping to export to other countries an exotic dish that’s been a local delicacy in Dongyang, China for thousands of years. Traditional chefs are hoping the local speciality – Spring eggs hard-boiled in boys’ urine – will catch on worldwide. The urine is gathered from local schools and the very best is said to come from boys under 10.

According to a New York University study, the average length of time we have to make a first impression is just 7 seconds. That’s how long it takes us to make 11 separate decisions about someone we meet for the first time. Among those decisions are ranking the person’s competence, credibility, honesty, and trustworthiness. Most of us worry about what to say in new social situations, but it turns out our choice of words only counts for 7% of the overall first impression. (Unless you start the conversation: “So fat boy …”)
– “Social Studies”

Sweden & Denmark are set to roll out a new postal service whereby customers can pay for postage using text-messaging on their cellphones. Customers simply send a text message to the post office and in a few seconds an automated reply arrives with a special code. Write the code on the envelope where a postage stamp would normally go and you’re done. The cost of the stamp will appear on the customer’s phone bill at the end of the month. (Philatelists are going to hate this!)
– QMI Agency

About 40% of skyscrapers due to be completed within the next 6 years will be located in China.
– “The Economist”


1933 [78] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London UK, movie actor (“Sleuth”, “Batman Begins”)/2 Academy Awards (“Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)

1933 [78] Quincy Jones, Chicago IL, pop/jazz artist/producer/composer with 26 Grammy Awards, more than any living recording artist

1948 [63] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Cars”, “City Slickers”)/stand-up comedian

1958 [53] Prince Albert II of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo, Monaco, Monaco’s 32nd ruler following the 2005 death of his father, Prince Rainier

1959 [52] Tamara Tunie, McKeesport PA, TV actress (‘Dr Melinda Warner’ on “Law & Order: SVU” since 2000)

1970 [41] Kristian Bush, Knoxville TN, country singer/guitarist/mandolin player (Sugarland-“Stuck Like Glue”, “It Happens”)

1979 [32] Chris Klein, Hinsdale IL, movie actor (“The United States of Leland”, “American Pie” movies)/Katie Holmes’ fiancé until Tom Cruise showed up

• “Children’s Craft Day”. What crappy craft that you made as a child do you still have? Why?

• “Commonwealth Day”, observed on the 2nd Monday in March to honor the loose association of 53 countries in the British Commonwealth (the one-time British Empire). It now entails some 2 billion people or about 30% of the world’s population. These days, however, the organization is more symbolic than functional as most countries now have other economic alliances.

• “Genius Day”, celebrated annually on the anniversary of the 1879 birth of Albert Einstein. Someone once said, “Common sense is instinct … and enough of it is genius.”

• “Napping Day”, a chance to catch up on the hour of sleep we lost yesterday due to the switch to Daylight Saving Time.

• “International Ask a Question Day”, an annual observance whose goal is to improve our knowledge and lives by asking more and better questions. Such as …
– If you’re born on an airplane, what nationality are you?
– If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made of meat?
– Where does the wax go from those ‘dripless’ candles?
– If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
– Is reading in the bathroom ‘multi-tasking’?

• “Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food. It was invented by chef George Crum on this day in 1853 at a resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained the potato slices were too thick. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. The fussy patron loved the ‘crunchy potato slices’ which soon became known as ‘Saratoga chips’. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. What’s the best flavored potato chip?

• “Save a Spider Day”, a day to appreciate arachnids and the webs they weave.

• “World Pi Day”, as in March 14 or 3/14 or 3.14 … get it? It honors the magic number for circles that expresses the ratio between radius and circumference. Supercomputers have computed pi to more than a trillion decimal places, which would take over 15,000 years to say out loud. How to celebrate this momentous occasion? Have yourself a piece of pi.

1958 [53] RIAA certifies the 1st ‘Gold Record’, Perry Como’s “Catch a Falling Star” (other recordings dating back as far as the 1920s may have sold a million records or more, but because there was no certification organization, they weren’t recognized)

1964 [47] “Billboard” magazine reports The Beatles have claimed 60% of the singles market

1998 [13] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (likely setting some kind of record for sponsorship deals in a single event name)

1860 [151] 1st ‘Baseball Cap’ designed (the next day, some guy puts the 1st baseball cap on  backwards)

1923 [88] 1st ‘Play-by-Play Hockey Broadcast’ (Peter Parker calls Edmonton vs Regina)

1992 [19] Researchers announce that broccoli fights cancer (kids everywhere moan)

[Tues] True Confessions Day
[Tues] Ides of March
[Tues] International Bosses Day Off
[Tues] World Consumer Rights Day
[Wed] “SXSW” begins (Austin TX)
[Wed] Lips Appreciation Day

International Brain Awareness Week / Money Week / Wildlife Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
‘Napoleon Complex’ or ‘Short Man Syndrome’ has long been cited as the reason many vertically-challenged people try to over-achieve. The motivation is said to be a desire to compensate for their lack of physical stature. And it seems the theory may be at least partially true. A recent study has found that shorter men are more prone to jealousy than taller counterparts … by as much as 50%. Add that to previous findings suggesting that taller men have more attractive partners, more children, and higher wages and you can see why the wee folk develop a complex. (What say you, Mr Cruise?)

Yesterday we ‘sprang forward’ on the clock and ‘saved daylight’, so here’s a look at ..
• Kill even more vampires than before.
• Practice golf game by chipping shots into your pain-in-the-ass neighbor’s satellite dish.
• Fry more ants with the magnifying glass.
• Wash & wax that chick-magnet of a Kia that you drive.
– Adapted from

What red flag should serve as a clear signal that your relationship is coming to an end?

Only one bird can fly backwards. Which?
a. Parakeet.
b. Hummingbird. [CORRECT]
c. Woodpecker.
d. Whirlybird. [Or helicopter, also technically CORRECT]

Today’s Question: One-third of women say THIS food reminds them of their husband.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Potato.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.

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