Monday, March 16, 2015        Edition: #5408

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

We’re back! And as promised, all “Bull Sheet” subscribers have received account credits for missed service days during our Spring Break. By the way, Panama was muy bueno.

★ 33-year-old “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” actor Chris Evans & 25-year-old model/actress Lily Collins have reportedly begun dating after meeting at “Vanity Fair’s” Oscars party in February. Evans previously dated Gisele Bundchen, Jessica Biel, and Minka Kelly; while Collins has been linked to her “Mortal Instruments: City of Bones” co-star Jamie Campbell Bower, as well as Taylor Lautner, and Zac Efron. An inside source says: ”It’s just the beginning stages. But they’re having a lot of fun and seeing where it goes.”
– “Us Weekly”
★ During a weekend standup show in Waterbury, Connecticut, 54-year-old comedian Kathy Griffin has again denied there is anything untoward in her decision to leave E! show “Fashion Police”, stating simply “it just didn’t work out.” Although Griffin emphasizes her departure is not the result of behind-the-scenes conflict, an insider claims producers wrongly assumed that Griffin would just step into Joan Rivers’ shoes. Quote: “She wasn’t given the leeway to make it something that she could operate within. She’s not Joan Rivers and she knows that.”
★ Kris Jenner (59) no longer “has anything to do with” estranged hubby Bruce Jenner (65), who’s currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery. Word has it the only time she even speaks to him is if it concerns their daughters Kendall (19) and Kylie (17). Kris hasn’t seen her former spouse to whom she was married for 23 years in months, and is said to be keeping her distance from the former Olympian. That news follows Bruce’s admission that he’s started to feel lonely and more and more separated from his famous reality TV family.
– “Confidenti@l”
★ Several online content providers are bidding for the streaming rights to classic TV sitcom “Seinfeld” and the rumored bids are said to top $100 million. Details are sketchy but Amazon and Hulu are both allegedly in negotiations to acquire the entire library of 172 episodes that aired on NBC-TV 1989-98. The hit sitcom has had limited exposure online through Crackle, which is ad-supported and only offers a handful of episodes at any given time. Sony Pictures is reportedly aiming to top the estimated $500,000 per episode that Netflix paid last year for online streaming rights to another NBC comedy classic, “Friends”.
– “Wall Street Journal”
★ And think you’ve got what it takes to work for royalty? William & Kate, the UK’s Duke & Duchess of Cambridge, have reportedly gone the traditional route and placed an ad for a new housekeeper in a British magazine as the expanding family prepares to move into their Amner Hall country house in Norfolk, a gift from Wills’ mom. According to the ad in “The Lady”, duties include: “Cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners’ clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; assisting with childcare, and caring for dogs.” Closing date for applications is April 5th.
– “Daily Mail”

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Tobias Jesso Jr (“Goon”, out tomorrow).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV2) – In the 2-hour 20th season debut, the new celeb cast includes 14-year-old “Hunger Games” actress Willow Shields (youngest-ever contestant); 70-year-old singing legend Patti LaBelle; Michael Sam, the first-ever openly gay NFL draftee; 26-year-old actress Rumer Willis (daughter of Bruce Willis & Demi Moore); 68-year-old former TV star Suzanne Somers (“Three’s Company”); and pop musician Redfoo (LMFAO).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Madonna (“Rebel Heart”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – He’s taking his show to Austin TX this week during the SXSW festival after doing the same last year; tonight Brad Paisley (“Moonshine In the Trunk”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – La Sera (“Hour Of the Dawn”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Smallpools (“Lovetap!”, out March 24th).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni1) – Matthew E White (“Fresh Blood”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Wiz Khalifa (“Blacc Hollywood”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – Musicians Ellie Goulding, Meghan Trainor, Nick Jonas, and Lionel Richie help with the Battle Round.

• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler reportedly moved to Nashville TN at the beginning of the year and is looking to break into country music. A new deal with the Big MAChine label is expected to be announced shortly, according to, and he’s already hard at work on a debut country album.
• Jay Z – The 45-year-old rapper has agreed to make royalty payments to 79-year-old Swiss jazz musician Bruno Spoerri for sampling his 1978 instrumental “On the Way” on the track “Versus” without permission. The agreement marks the end of an 18-month legal dispute.
• Madonna – Not to kick her while she’s down, but audience reaction to her name was so quiet at the recent “BRIT Awards” in London that screams reportedly had to be added in to ‘sweeten’ her performance.
• Ne-Yo – His real name is Shaffer Chimere Smith. But his dad is also named Shaffer so his mom calls him Chimere (pronounced ‘Shim-ear’).
• Nicki Minaj – Tonight “The Pinkprint Tour in Europe” starts in Stockholm, Sweden. The international tour touches down at key European markets before closing out April 12th in Glasgow, Scotland. The trek also features special guest Trey Songz.
• 3 Doors Down – Today former bassist Todd Harrell is due in Mississippi court to face DUI charges. It’s his 2nd offence for driving under the influence of a substance other than alcohol. He’s currently under house arrest for vehicular homicide, the result of another ongoing case.
• Tyga – The 25-year-old rapper has posted an Instagram picture of 17-year-old reality TV star Kylie Jenner, whom he’s rumored to have been dating for some time. His caption reads: ”Certain things capture your eye, but only few capture the heart.”

The length of a man’s ring finger may be an indication of how nice he’ll be to the opposite sex. A new Canadian study says it has to do with the size ratio of a man’s index and ring fingers, determined by dividing the index finger’s length by the ring finger’s. Basically, the shorter a man’s index finger is compared with his ring finger, the more likely he is to be nice to women. Guys who have short ring fingers or whose index and ring fingers are close in length … yeah, you might want to avoid them. They’re more likely to be an argumentative pain. It has to do with the hormones – chiefly testosterone – men were exposed to in their mothers’ wombs, according to the McGill University study. (A man’s finger size has previously been proven to indicate other … ahem … attributes.)

5 truisms from investment strategist Allan Roth …
✓ Time in the market is far more important than timing the market.
✓ Believing in new paradigms will rob you blind.
✓ Neither good nor bad times last forever.
✓ Markets tend to do better when fear is rampant and worse when greed is abundant.
✓ It is human to buy high and sell low. Fear and greed drive our bad behavior.
What this means is the odds are very low that stocks will gain another 250% over the next 6 years. The good times won’t last forever, just like the bad times of 6 years ago didn’t. The ever-capricious market will dive again. So it may be time to consider taking some risk off the table. That may go against the herd, but it will also tend to grow the nest egg in the long run. (One other truism about stocks … whenever we finally decide to buy ’em, they bomb.)

What’s likely the world’s most expensive ice cream is now on sale at Scoopi Café in Dubai UAE. A single scoop of ‘Black Diamond’ ice cream costs Dhs3,000 (United Arab Emirates Dirham), or circa $820. ‘Black Diamond’ is more than just your traditional raspberry ripple. It’s made with Madagascar vanilla, Iranian saffron, and slices of black Italian truffles. And it wouldn’t be Dubai without a few sprinkles of 23-carat edible gold sprinkled on top. The delectable dessert is served with a Versace bowl & spoon, both of which can be kept by the customer.

55% of the citizens in Palm Springs, California identify as gay. (Or so says the city’s tourist agency.)


1949 [66] Victor Garber, London ON, movie actor (“Argo”, “Milk”)/TV actor (“Web Therapy” since 2011, “Alias” 2001-06)/Broadway actor (“Damn Yankees”)

1954 [61] Nancy Wilson, San Francisco CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“Alone”, “Dreamboat Annie”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 2013

1963 [52] Jerome Flynn, London UK, TV actor (‘Bronn’ on “Game of Thrones” since 2011, ‘Bennet Drake’ on “Ripper Street” since 2012)

1967 [48] Lauren Graham, Honolulu HI, TV actress (“Parenthood” 2010-15, “Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)/movie actress (“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, “Bad Santa”)

1969 [46] Judah Friedlander, Gaithersburg MD, TV actor (“30 Rock” 2006-13)

1988 [27] Jhené Aiko (Chilombo), LA CA, R&B singer (“Spotless Mind”, “The Worst”)

1991 [24] Wolfgang Van Halen, Santa Monica CA, rock bassist (Van Halen since 2006)/son of Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli

• “Act Happy Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Monday of March, a creation of the optimistic Secret Society of Happy People.

• “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden, germ-infested coffee mug at work its annual clean-out … whether it needs it or not.

• “Everything You Do is Right Day”, a day to avoid second-guessing yourself. As long as your decisions are well thought through, just carry them out and let them go. You’ll likely find it saves you a lot of stress.

• “Freedom of Information Day”, celebrating the idea that all citizens in a democracy can access government information. (If they have a lawyer and a dozen years to burn.)

• “Lips Appreciation Day”, when we’re encouraged to do something nice for our lips … kiss somebody. (Go ahead, pick someone at random and see how big the ensuing lawsuit is.)

• “No Selfies Day”, celebrated ironically on the birthday of Philippe Kahn, inventor of the cellphone camera and 1st person to snap a pic with his phone … although it wasn’t a selfie.

• “St Urho’s Day”, celebrating the (tongue-in-cheek) saint who allegedly ‘cleared the grasshoppers out of Finland’. The mock holiday is observed in parts of Canada and the USA. For instance, Finnish-Americans in Rolla, North Dakota are staging their 9th annual parade.

2005 [10] After a 3-month criminal trial in LA Superior Court, a jury acquits Robert Blake, star of 1970s TV detective show “Baretta”, of the murder of his wife Bonny Lee Bakley

2005 [10] Billy Joel enters rehab for the 2nd time, ostensibly for ‘gastrointestinal distress’ but in reality to cure his alcoholism

2010 [05] ABBA, The Hollies, and Jimmy Cliff, among others, are inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

2014 [01] Crimea votes in a controversial referendum to secede from Ukraine and join Russia

1996 [19] “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men stays at #1 for a 16th week in-a-row, setting a new record for the longest a single has remained atop the chart

1999 [16] The RIAA gives the first-ever ‘Diamond Award’ certification, honoring “The Eagles’ Greatest Hits 1971-75” for 10 million units sold

2003 [12] Largest coordinated worldwide vigil takes place, a global protest against the Iraq War

[Tues] St Patrick’s Day
[Tues] “One Big Happy” debuts (NBC)
[Tues] Irish Coffee Day
[Wed] “Hockey Wives” debuts (W)
[Wed] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Wed] Biodiesel Day

Act Happy Week / Animal Poison Prevention Week / Flood Safety Awareness Week / Health Information Professionals Week / Inhalant & Poisons Awareness Week / International Brain Awareness Week / Shakespeare Week / Termite Awareness Week / Wellderly Week / Wildlife Week / World Folktales & Fables Week / YoYo & Skills Toys Days


Highlight bits culled from 21 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Best makeup artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of “Vogue”.
• Real tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
• Only 3 hits this month on your ‘World O’ Coffins’ website.
• Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in it just means overtime.
• The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little of that rigor mortis home.
• Toe tag paper cuts.
– First published in “BS” 2004.

Sometimes you don’t need the entire joke, just the punchline …
• “That’s not the Blarney Stone, but don’t stop kissing it.”
• “But I thought ‘Dublin’ meant doing it with twins.”
• “Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
• “Keep looking … I know there’s a shamrock in there somewhere.”
• “She’s out in the barn making Bailey’s Irish Cream.”
• “That is my thick Irish brogue, and yes, I’m happy to see you.”
• “Can’t you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are? We’re Pisscopalians.”
– First published in “BS” 2012.

What’s the correct response to the Irish greeting “top of the morning to you”?
a. “And the bottom of a pint to you.”
b. “And the rest of the day to yourself.” [CORRECT]
c. “Here’s to being single, drinking doubles, and seeing triple.”

☎ Which TV character would you like to date?

Had a bad mixup at the store yesterday. The cashier said: “Strip down, facing me.” Apparently she meant my credit card.

Question: Perhaps surprisingly, THIS contains vitamin B12.
Answer: Rain. (Blend kale with rain for a healthy smoothie.)

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Taylor Feuille @ AGX Radio, Champaign IL; Karen Knopick @ The New 94-1 KTFM, San Antonio TX; Liam Kemp @ 100.9 Albany FM [6CRA] Albany, Australia; Lorraine Scott @ KISS Canaries, Las Palmas, Canary Islands; Kenneth Welch @ KC 102.1 [KCKC] Tucson AZ; Amanda Whitehead-Smith @ 96.5 Ultra, Brisbane, Australia; Nicole Sciamarelli @ Fun 107.1 [WWZY] Long Branch NJ; Jack King @ XFM Tauranga NZ; JD Gerralde @ KBGB Batesville AR; Pate Narawa @ FM96 Suva, Fiji; Jerry Mac @ 100.9 The Wolf [WPGI] Elmira NY; Jaap Brienen @ NPO Radio 6, Hilversum, The Netherlands; Ric Rush @ 103-5 Today’s Country [WEZL] Charleston SC; Sean Dwyer @ Standish Community Radio UK; Jeff Burtob @ 105.7 The Point [KPNT] St Louis MO; and Joel Santiago @ X96.3 FM [WXNY] NYC.

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