Wednesday, March 23, 2011        Edition: #4468
BS You Can Actually Look Forward To In the Morning!

Longtime Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch assures “New York” magazine that actor James Franco was NOT stoned while lamely attempting to co-host this year’s Academy Awards (maybe in a coma?) . . . Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller, allowed her temporary restraining order against the looney-tunes actor to expire yesterday (oh oh, beware the warlock!) . . . Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has been arrested in LA on suspicion of domestic violence and is also facing charges of false imprisonment, and preventing the reporting of victimization (again it becomes clear how his daughter got so warped) . . . Rocker Sammy Hagar tells MTV’s “Hive” – with a straight face – that he was once abducted by aliens (‘splains a lot) . . . 47-year-old David Schubert, the Las Vegas Deputy District Attorney who prosecuted both Bruno Mars and Paris Hilton for cocaine possession has been arrested after allegedly buying – a rock of cocaine (takes one to know one) . . . And 35-year-old scandalized golfer Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend – blonde, blue-eyed, 22-year-old Alyse Lahti Johnston – whom he reportedly first met … when she was 7 (how to work on rebuilding your rep, man!).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The 11 remaining finalists perform classic Motown songs.
• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW/A Channel) – The models write, direct, and perform a cosmetics commercial.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Grace Potter & The Nocturnals (“Grace Potter & The Nocturnals”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Bryan Adams (“Bare Bones”).
• “Gayle King” (OWN) – Swizz Beatz (“Haute Living”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Scottish rockers Biffy Clyro (“Only Revolutions”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Friendly Fires (“Pala”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – The Strokes (“Angles”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Keith Urban performs “Without You” from his Gold-certified album “Get Closer”.

• Billy Currington – This week “Let Me Down Easy” is set to become his 7th country chart-topping single and his 5th consecutive #1.
• Britney Spears – She’s reportedly hired a money management tutor from UCLA’s Anderson School of Management to help her learn the basics of finance so she can manage her own affairs.
• Duran Duran – A day after releasing their 13th studio album, “All You Need Is Now”, they play the Mayan Theatre in LA in a performance to be live-streamed on The project is being directed by filmmaker David Lynch.
• Gym Class Heroes – Travie McCoy tells MTV News the band is looking to record a new album this Summer, to be called “The Papercut Chronicles 2”.
• Incubus – They’ve completed work on their as-yet-untitled 6th studio album, the band’s first since 2006’s “Light Grenades”.
• Jane’s Addiction – After several false starts it looks like they’re finally ready to release their new album, “The Great Escape Artist”, this Summer.
• Taylor Swift – She’s set to voice a role in the upcoming 3-D animated movie adaptation of Dr Seuss’ “The Lorax”. Also in the cast: Zac Efron, Betty White, Danny DeVito, and Ed Helms.
• Three Days Grace – Tonight in Seattle WA they kick off a Spring tour of North America with My Darkest Days as the opening act.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Normie’ – Someone who embraces mainstream culture. The opposite of ‘hipster’. (“There’s no way I’m going for a drink at a sports bar in the mall. It’ll be filled with normies!”)
• ‘Reno Coach’ – An advisor who helps people make decisions about or avoid the pitfalls of a home renovation. (“Step 1: Saw a hole in your floor and start pouring in money …”)
• ‘SWEDOW’ – From the phrase Stuff WE DOn’t Want. Unnecessary or inappropriate items donated to a charity organization or relief effort. (“The Japan Earthquake & Tsunami Relief Fund thanks you for your gift of 7 dozen pairs of pantyhose, however …”)

Alcohol metabolism expert Jim Schaefer says hangovers get worse as drinkers age. So why can’t you party like you did in your 20s? As we get older, there’s a drop in our levels of enzymes that are responsible for breaking down alcohol. Cheap booze can also influence the severity of a hangover due to the higher presence of congeners, the ‘chemical soup’ that’s a byproduct of the fermentation and distillation processes. More expensive liquors are often filtered and triple-distilled, creating cleaner alcohol with ‘less junk’. (Buy me Rémy Martin or buy me nothing.)

• Germany – A former neo-Nazi skinhead has not only changed politics but … his gender. 35-year-old nurse Monika Strub is running for state parliament as a left-wing Social Democrat candidate. In her previous incarnation as Horst Strub, he had been a member of the right-wing extremist National Democratic Party, complete with cropped hair, beard, and bomber jacket.
• Russia – Well, at least this tattoo serves a practical purpose. For some unknown reason a Russian man has decided to get a full back tattoo of … an eye chart. Who knows why? To apply for a job at the local ophthalmologist? So’s he can donate his back to science after he dies? To make passes at chicks with glasses … “Can you please read the bottom line for me?”
• Britain – A newlywed couple has won a court battle against their wedding videographer for producing a video that failed to capture the iconic moments of their big day and instead featured footage of … guests’ feet. There were also shots of people who weren’t even at the event. The snapper, who’s been ordered to pay the couple over $1,200 has now declared bankruptcy.
– QMI Agency

A new software program called ‘FalseFlesh’ claims it can help you turn your Facebook friends’ photos into nudie pics. The creators of this revolutionary advance in image editing technology claim it will ‘elegantly eliminate clothing from any photo and provide you with natural looking nude flesh’. If you’re really that desperate for thrills, the download costs $34.95. (Facebook stalking just got creepier!)

• If you’re not at Starbucks, don’t order like you are by asking for something like a ‘Venti Caramel Frappuccino’.
• A bigger cup doesn’t necessarily mean more coffee kick. If it’s caffeine you’re after, size doesn’t matter … it’s the number of espresso shots in it.
• If you’re at a place that does ‘foam artwork’ and you don’t get a good picture, that means your drink is not well made.
• If you ask for decaf, you’ll get decaf. You don’t need to ask repeatedly. There’s no conspiracy.
• Sometimes the owners of independent coffee/espresso carts buy cheap coffee and sell it as a more respected brand.
• Customers who are talking on their phone or who are indecisive at the counter are the reason the lineups seem to take forever.
• No matter how tired you are, it’s nice to say ‘please’ when ordering your first coffee of the day.
– Condensed from

Former Harvard University students who made out just fine without earning their degrees …
• Movie star Matt Damon.
• Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Robert Frost.
• Newspaper baron William Randolph Hearst.
• Edwin H Land (Polaroid Corp).
• Folk singer Pete Seeger.
• Grammy Award-winning singer Bonnie Raitt.
• Bill Gates (Microsoft).
• Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook).
– Condensed from “Mental Floss Magazine”

Women own an average of 17 pairs of shoes but wear only 3 pairs regularly, according to a new poll of over 1,000 women 18+. Highlights of the poll’s other findings about female footwear …
• Women buy about 3 pairs a year and, spending $49 per pair on average (31% have spent more than $100 on a single pair).
• 60% are willing to sacrifice pain for style, buying shoes that look really good even if they hurt.
• 59% have gotten blisters from their shoes.
• 51% notice what other women have on their feet.
• 46% have bought an ugly pair of shoes because they are comfortable.
• 39% of those surveyed consider themselves ‘a shoe person’.
• 35% have had an evening ruined by uncomfortable shoes.
• 24% have fallen because of their shoes.
• 19% admit they go shoe shopping ‘to cheer themselves up’.
– “ShopSmart Magazine”

• Despite spending more per head on healthcare than any other country in the world, life expectancy in the USA is at the same level as the lowest of any Western European country … Portugal for men and Denmark for women.
• The American Bird Conservancy estimates that up to 500 million birds are killed each year by cats, about half by pet cats; the other half by feral felines.
– “New York Times”


1949 [62] Ric Ocasek (Otcasek), Baltimore MD, classic rock singer (The Cars-“Drive”, “You Might Think”)/married to model Paulina Porizkova  BS FACTOID: His reunited 1970s-80s new wave band will offer up their comeback album, “Move Like This”, on May 10th.

1966 [45] Marin Hinkle, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, TV actress (‘Judith Harper’ on “Two-and-a-Half Men” 2003-11)  BS FACTOID: NBC News is reporting that CBS-TV has offered actor Charlie Sheen back his job on “Two-and-a-Half Men”, but no deal has been struck as yet.

1968 [43] Damon Albarn, London UK, alt-rock singer/songwriter/producer (Gorillaz-“Feel Good Inc”; Blur-“Girls & Boys”)

1976 [35] Keri Russell, Fountain Valley CA, movie actress (“Extraordinary Measures”, “Mission: Impossible III”)/TV actress (“Felicity” 1998-2002)

1978 [33] Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira Jr), Miami FL, show biz & celebrity blogger ( radio personality (“Radio Perez”)

• “Chip & Dip Day”. While North Americans might pick ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ or ‘Salt & Vinegar’ chips, the top flavors for ‘crisps’ in the UK include ‘Roast Beef & Mustard’ and ‘Smoked Ham & Pickle’. The Swiss like ‘Paprika’, while Thais choose ‘Prawn’, and in Egypt ‘Kebab’ is popular. The best dip? ‘Hot Bean with Jalapenos’ … or is it?

• “Kick Butts Day”, sponsored by the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, a day when hundreds of events are scheduled to take action against juvenile tobacco use.

• “Puppy Day”, the idea being to save 10,000 homeless puppies in a single day by encouraging adoptions at dog pounds and rescue centers.

• “World Meteorological Day”, an annual UN observance to promote understanding of how weather, climate, and water affects us all. For one thing, it seems to be our favorite topic of conversation. What overused weather clichés should be dumped?

1990 [21] “Pretty Woman” starring Julia Roberts & Richard Gere, opens in movie theaters (greatest ever chick-flick?)

1998 [13] “Titanic” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars at the 70th annual “Academy Awards”

1985 [26] Singer Billy Joel marries uptown model Christie Brinkley (marriage lasts 10 years)

1912 [99] 1st ‘Dixie Cup’ (next day the 1st dentist says, “Take this, rinse and spit …”)

[Thurs] Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
[Thurs] World Tuberculosis Day
[Fri] International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery
[Fri] “Diary Of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules”; “Sucker Punch” open in  movie theaters
[Sat] WWF Earth Hour
This Week Is … Cleaning Week
This Month Is … Deaf History Month


Sometimes you don’t need the entire joke, just the punchline …
• “Yeah?” says the meter maid. “You should see me when I’m clog-dancing topless!”
• The next day, the big-city businessman calls the emu farmer and says, “I want my money back! Every time we get in the shower together, she starts molting!”
• And so Phil Lesh says, “Duuuude! That wasn’t Jamaican Gold, it was a pile of my bunion shavings!”
• Then the doctor says, “OK, now it’s MY turn to cough!”
• “Och, you bahhhhhstaaard! That’s not me bagpipe!”
• “Then the fat cannibal turns to the skinny one and goes, “I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe.”
• “Mom … um … remember that huge band-aid you gave me for my sore? I think I lost it in that big pot of beef stroganoff you made for your boss in hopes of getting that big promotion.”
• So the waiter says, “Madam, that’s not a fly in your soup. It’s a tiny, tightly-woven spool of pubic hair.”
• “Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!”
• “And now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon’.”
– Adapted from

While watching the first London performance of Handel’s “Messiah” 268 years ago today (1743), what did Britain’s King George II accidentally invent?
a. Printed theater programs.
b. Intermissions between acts.
c. The standing ‘O’. [CORRECT. He rose to his feet in appreciation in what is the first recorded case of a ‘standing ovation’.]

Actress Selma Blair says she’s having a great pregnancy but is constantly craving pancakes and grapefruit as she carries her first baby. What was your unusual pregnancy crave?

I get plenty of exercise. I put on my rollerblades and turn my treadmill up to full speed.

Today’s Question: According to “Cosmopolitan” magazine, more than half of women have done THIS at least once at work.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Used the men’s washroom.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

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