Wednesday, May 4, 2011        Edition: #4498

A Bull in Hand Is a Sheetload of Prep!

Talk about timing: “The Hurt Locker” writer/producer Mark Boal & director Kathryn Bigelow have been working on a script about operatives on the hunt for Osama bin Laden ever since they won the ‘Best Movie’ Academy Award in 2009 (now they have a solid ending!) . . . Meantime, the new movie comedy “Operation Belvis Bash”, about an attempt to assassinate bin Laden, screened in Houston TX Sunday night – at the same time the real deal was happening (before you rush out to see this, be advised it stars D-listers Corey Feldman, Daniel Baldwin, and Frank Stallone) . . . A mummified body believed to be that of Yvette Vickers, B-movie actress (“Attack Of the 50 Foot Woman”) & “Playboy” magazine’s ‘Miss July’ 1959, has been found in a dilapidated Beverly Hills CA home after evidently being undiscovered for up to a year (now she’s starring in “Attack Of the Maggots”)  . . . Judith Sheindlin has signed a new deal to stay on the bench as TV’s “Judge Judy” through 2015 (why a recently health-challenged 68-year-old would commit to this – $45 million-a-year) . . . Latest rumored show biz couple: “Scream 4” actress Emma Roberts & “Glee” actor Chord Overstreet, spotted enjoying a night out in NYC . . . Actress Goldie Hawn’s 2nd husband, Bill Hudson, is releasing a tell-all tome entitled “So You Are a Star: Coming to Terms With Fame, Infatuation & Family” which promises to lift the lid on their 4-year marriage (“So You are a Star” was his pop group The Hudson Bros’ 1974 hit) . . . And former soap actor Antonio Sabato Jr welcomed a son this past weekend whom he’s named Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III (we may have a new leader in the worst-ever-named celeb spawn contest!).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The 5 remaining contestants perform 2 songs, one modern song and one from the 1960s.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Belle Brigade (“Belle Brigade”).
• “Gayle King” (OWN) – Sheryl Crow (“Icon: Sheryl Crow”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Goldheart Assembly (“Wolves & Thieves”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Sergio Mendes w/Siedah Garrett (“Bom Tempo”

• ‘The Big 4’ – A week after Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax played Indio CA they’ve announced a 2nd US mega-concert, September 14th at NYC’s Yankee Stadium.
• Black Eyed Peas – They’ve announced a massive concert in NYC’s Central Park on June 9th to benefit the Robin Hood Foundation and its mission to fight poverty in the city.
• Blake Shelton – He tells “USA Today” he almost said no to a coaching job on “The Voice” (NBC) because he’s turned off by “American Idol”-type shows. He likes the new show, however, because he gets to help and encourage, not be mean and make fun of people.
• Bruno Mars – Tonight he kicks off his “Hooligans In Wondaland Tour” in NYC. Janelle Monáe is also on the bill.
• Jay-Z & Kanye West – Their long-awaited collaborative album “Watch the Throne” still doesn’t have a release date but the next single from it will reportedly be “Lift Off”, which features Beyoncé and Bruno Mars.
• Jennifer Lopez – Tonight entertainment news show “Extra” (NBC) features a half-hour J-Lo special, including her new video for the single “I’m Into You”.
• Kenny Chesney – In a new interview he admits he wanted to be a baseball player from the outset and didn’t pick up the guitar until he was a junior in college.
• MIA & Swizz Beatz – They’re currently recording music for each other’s upcoming albums. MIA’s work is yet to be titled; Beatz’ new album will be called “Haute Living”.
• Miley Cyrus – On her current South American tour she’s singing a cover of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. (Would this be grounds for a lawsuit of some sort?)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Ethnoburb’ – A suburban area that draws a large number of immigrants from the same ethnic group. (“There are more pubs per square mile in the Irish ethnoburb of Southie than anywhere else in Boston.”)
• ‘Lawnmower Parent’ – A parent who tries to smooth his or her children’s paths through life by solving their problems for them. (“I have to re-grade this essay because the student’s lawnmower parent showed up, demanding better justification for the low mark.”)
• ‘Zombie Lie’ – A false statement that keeps getting repeated no matter how often it has been refuted. (“Is it true Donald Trump is demanding to see Osama bin Laden’s death certificate? Looks like he’s intent on spreading another zombie lie.”)

Three tiny satellites about the size of a soda cracker will be aboard the space shuttle ‘Endeavor’ on NASA’s next-to-last shuttle mission. If the mini-satellites work as researchers expect, future space expeditions may deploy thousands, or even millions, of miniature devices. Since the cost of spaceflight remains astronomically high when calculated by the pound, scientists are working to develop a satellite on a chip … the size of a fingernail. (Millions of chips flying around in space … what could possibly go wrong?)

• Instead of pens or coffee cups, companies handed out ashtrays.
• Ordering a bourbon and pack of butts in Vegas and they BOTH were free, sans tip.
• Ashtrays in hospitals, businesses, restaurants, and grocery stores.
• Making an ashtray in school pottery class was perfectly acceptable.
• Washing your clothes after a sporting event because they smelled like smoke.

Researchers at Japan’s Kajimoto Laboratory have come up with a device that can simulate a kiss over the Internet. A real person on the other end of a computer connection sends a kiss, which is in turn replicated by a mouthpiece in the user’s mouth. The goal is to obtain the actual feeling of a kiss, so if your partner’s device is turned with the tongue, your mouthpiece will react in the same way. The effect is achieved by motor rotations within the mouthpieces. (Is this the future of frenching … or just creepy?)

• Make daily lists/updates of short-term and long-term goals.
• Plan out your meals for the week.
• Schedule your vacations at least 2 months in advance.
• Plan out your social activities at least 4 days in advance.
• Try 1 new hobby every 3 months.
• Take a nap daily.
• Get sunlight every day.
• Treat exercise as a non-negotiable.
• Have regular sex. (Well yeah … easy for you to say.)
– Excerpted from

A research team at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center has found that breast milk contains a protein that could reduce the risk of obesity. The protein, adiponectin, is secreted by fat cells and affects how the body processes sugars and fatty substances in the blood. Low levels of this protein have been linked to obesity. (Geez, I’m feeling bloated this morning …)
– ANI Science & Health

• 19th-century English naturalist Charles Darwin (“The Origin of Species”) invented what we now call the office chair. In the 1840s he customized a wooden armchair by removing the legs and replacing them with a set of cast-iron bed legs mounted on casters.
– “New York Times”
• British astronomer Martin Rees says our Sun formed 4.5 billion years ago, but it’s got 6 billion more years before the fuel runs out. So it won’t be humans who witness the Sun’s demise, he says, but entities as different from us as we are from a bug.
– “Boston Globe”
• The prevalence of ‘Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder’ is almost double in left-handers compared to right-handers, according to a new Scottish study at Queen Margaret University in Edinburgh.
– “Daily Telegraph”


1951 [60] Mick Mars (Robert Deal), Huntington IN, rock guitarist (Motley Crue-“If I Die Tomorrow”, “Dr Feelgood”)

1959 [52] Randy Travis (Traywick), Marshville NC, country singer (“I Told You So”, “Forever & Ever Amen”)  BS FACTOID: This week he released a new self-titled album, exclusive to the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store chain, containing 9 of his hits and 3 new songs.

1970 [41] Will Arnett, Toronto ON, TV actor (“Running Wilde” 2010-11, “Arrested Development” 2003-06)/movie actor (“Semi-Pro”, “Blades of Glory”)

1972 [39] Mike Dirnt (Pritchard), Rodeo CA, rock bassist (Green Day-“Know Your Enemy”, “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”)

• “Great American Grump Out”, the 10th annual observance when we’re all asked to go 24 hours without being grumpy, crabby, or rude. So suck it up, sourpusses!

• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of those brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. (And what women consistently pick in polls as ‘Sexiest Profession’.)

• “Relationship Renewal Day”, saluting relationships that have made it through yet another year. Couples are encouraged to celebrate and congratulate one another … and each other.

• “Respect For Chickens Day”, promoting compassionate & respectful treatment of domestic fowl. Advocacy group United Poultry Concerns argues that we should celebrate the beauty, dignity & life of chickens and protest against the bleakness of their lives in farming operations.

• “Star Wars Day”, a pun on the similarity between “May the 4th be with you” and “May the Force be with you”. Despite efforts in the UK to have the day declared an official holiday of the ‘Jedi Church’, it hasn’t happened yet.

• “Weather Observers’ Day”, recognizing both pros and amateurs who follow the elements.

2001 [10] Sometime actress Bonnie Lee Bakley is fatally shot while sitting in a car waiting for her actor-husband Robert Blake (he’s charged with murder in 2002, then acquitted in 2005)

1959 [52] Inaugural ‘Grammy Awards’ are presented (winners include The Champs, Ella Fitzgerald, Henry Mancini, Kingston Trio, Perry Como)

1968 [43] 1st McDonald’s ‘Big Mac’ is served (2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun)

[Thurs] Cartoonists Day
[Thurs] Cinco de Mayo
[Thurs] International Midwives Day
[Fri] “Jumping the Broom”; Something Borrowed”; “Thor” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Military Spouse Appreciation Day
[Fri] No Diet Day
[Fri] No Homework Day
[Fri] No Pants Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Animals Week
This Month Is … Good Car Keeping Month


• The Addict – Scurries in and out of the break room every 5 minutes to see if coffee has been made yet.
• The Avoider – Sees an empty pot, sets it on top of the coffee-maker to say, “Hey, someone needs to make coffee.”  Walks off.
• The Boor – So unparticular he’ll drink the mostly-evaporated sludge at the bottom of the pot.
• The Creamer – Only uses coffee as an excuse to feed a hopeless half-and-half habit.
• The Escape Artist – Will discreetly duck into the restroom or wait 5 minutes in a far cubicle for someone else to make a pot.
• The Perfectionist – Will  dump out a half-pot because it ‘looks old’.
• The Purist – Scolds anyone who attempts to pour from the pot early or uses the machine’s hot water tap while coffee is brewing.
• The Stinker – Brews overpowering flavored coffee that taints every pot brewed for the remainder of the day, as well as smelling up the air in 5,000 sq ft of office space.
• The Trickster – Sends coffee drinkers into a panic when lining up for the last cup of coffee, only to use the hot water spout to make a cuppa tea.
– Adapted from

What’s the worst food to try to eat while driving? (According to an insurance company study, coffee is the most dangerous, followed by soup.)

• “Do you always cry like that in the middle?”
• “Are we engaged yet?”
• “I hope we made a baby!”
• “Wait, you already had crabs, right?”
• “Wow, I was so loud I hope I didn’t wake my kids.”
• “Sorry I ripped out some of your back hair. Can I keep it?”
– Comedian Amy Schumer in “Cosmopolitan”

How many pounds of food does the average person eat daily?
a. 1.
b. 3. [CORRECT. That’s 1,095 lbs annually or the equivalent of 3 whole elephants in a lifetime.]
c. 5.
– PA News

• Why do tourists travel 2,000 miles just to get their picture taken beside their car?
• If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
• If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
• If a pizza joint only sells slices, is there a guy in the back tossing triangles in the air?
• How come you see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy?

Just fill in your birth date here to find out what your age would be if you lived on other planets. Odds are, on Venus you’re a senior citizen but on Neptune you’re just a pup!

Today’s Question: The lifespan of THIS is about 50 years.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Your toilet.

A bird in hand is better than one overhead.

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