Monday, October 10, 2016 – Edition: #5825

Get a Load of This Sheet!

★ Kim Kardashian has reportedly filed a $5.6-million insurance claim over last week’s robbery in Paris. It’s significantly less than than the $10 million- or $11 million-worth of jewelry that was reported taken. A total of 13 items were stolen, including her 2nd engagement ring from Kanye West, a 20-carat job engraved with the word ‘Adidas’ valued at circa $4 million alone. In the wake of the attack Kim has stopped posting on social media, the Kardashian clan has cancelled all public appearances, and filming on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is suspended. (How can we adequately thank these thieves?)
★ Beyoncé finished up her mammoth Formation World Tour on Friday night at the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. The event included special guest appearances by Kendrick Lamar and tennis champ Serena Williams. The audience featured famous faces as well: actor Hugh Jackman, musician Frank Ocean, and “Orange Is the New Black” star Taylor Schilling among them. The show’s finalê was a surprise duet with Jay Z, who joined his superstar wife on their hit “Drunk in Love”. It’s the first time they’ve performed side-by-side in over a year. (No fisticuffs reported.)
★ And “Mad Max: Fury Road” actress Zoe Kravitz (daughter of rocker Lenny Kravitz) and former “Cosby Show” star Lisa Bonet, are among actresses who’ve auditioned for the female lead in the new ‘Han Solo’ film, a “Star Wars” spinoff about the intergalactic smuggler. Tessa Thompson (“Creed”) and Naomi Scott (“Power Rangers”) have also auditioned. The untitled project features a more youthful version of the iconic character made famous by Harrison Ford. “Hail Caesar!” actor Alden Ehrenreich was announced to play ‘Solo’ back in May but little has been revealed about the film since. (Have we reached overkill yet?)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The Temper Trap (“Thick As Thieves”). Rerun.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – Each celebrity dances to a song that reflects a memorable time in his or her life; conductor Andre Rieu guests.
• “Ellen” (syndicated/CTV2) – Anderson Paak (“Yes Lawd”, out October 21st).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Two Door Cinema Club (“Gameshow”, out Friday).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Band of Skulls (“By Default”).
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/CTV) – CL (“Lifted”). Rerun.
• “Supergirl” (CW) – Season 2 debut.
• “2 Broke Girls” (CBS) – Season 6 debut.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Phish (“Big Boat”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – Mentors Joan Jett, Sammy Hagar, Bette Midler, and Charlie Puth; Battle Rounds begin.

• Coldplay – They’ve announced a 2017 North American tour, playing 18 stadium and arena dates next August, September, and October. The new round of dates begin at NJ’s MetLife Stadium next Summer on August 1st.
• Craig David – He’s atop this week’s UK chart with his comeback album “Following My Intuition”. It’s his first new album release since 2010 and his first #1 in 16 years.
• Drake – Due to ongoing aggravation from an ankle injury, he’s had to cut shows from his current tour. Among those axed: last night’s gig in his hometown of Toronto ON, this Thursday’s Philadelphia PA date, and the first of 2 concerts this coming weekend in Newark NJ.
• French Montana – His 2nd studio album was scheduled to hit retailers in August, but was pushed back to October 14th. Now, however, the project has been totally shelved due to issues with sample clearances.
• Green Day – Speaking to Brit music magazine “NME”, Billie Joe Armstrong has revealed that the “American Idiot” musical is on its way to HBO. He says the script is currently going through some rewrites, so he’s not exactly sure when shooting begins.
• John Legend – The new single “Love Me Now” is from the upcoming album “Darkness & Light”, which is promised to arrive by the end of the year. The project features collaborations with Chance the Rapper and Brittany Howard of Alabama Shakes among others.
• Justin Bieber – He’s extended his “Purpose” tour into 2017 with 5 dates in Australia and New Zealand, beginning March 6th in Perth, Western Australia and winding up in Auckland NZ on March 18th. He last toured the area in 2013.
• Lady Gaga – Friday she taped an appearance with James Corden for his “Late Late Show” feature ‘Carpool Karaoke’. The two wore pink hats matching the cover art for her new album “Joanne”. The segment is likely to air around October 21st, the date of her album release.
• Miranda Lambert – Her November release, ” The Weight of These Wings”, will be a double album of 24 songs. Lambert has given each disc its own specific title; Disc 1 will be “The Nerve” and Disc 2 “The Heart.”
• Taylor Swift – AT&T has announced an exclusive multi-year, multi-faceted deal featuring performances and content from Swift. As part of the deal, she’s headlining “DirecTV Super Saturday Night” in Houston TX the night before the Super Bowl (February 5th).

A new study finds that 7-in-10 deaths are now fueled by diet and lifestyle factors. Research in close to 200 countries has found that increases in life expectancy – thanks to improvements in sanitation and immunization – are being eroded by the global obesity crisis. While deaths caused by infectious diseases such as malaria and flu have fallen sharply, the proportion of fatalities fueled by bad lifestyle choices (ie: poor diet, smoking, drinking ) have soared. In total, over 71% of deaths last year were caused by non-infectious diseases, the Global Burden of Disease study shows. These include heart disease, stroke, cancer, and diabetes, all of which are affected by diet and lifestyle. And even though many adults are living longer, millions are finding their later years blighted by poor health. (Would you rather: 65 good years – OR – 90 years, 25 of them crap?)
– “Telegraph”

Beginning this morning, 10 locations of the KFC franchise in Britain begin test-marketing a brand new breakfast menu. Here’s what’s on it …
✓ ‘Chicken AM’ – Original Recipe KFC chicken, smoked bacon, cheese, and a free-range egg served in a floured bun.
✓ ‘Bacon Roll’ – 3 rashers of bacon in a floured roll.
✓ ‘Bacon & Egg Roll’ – 2 rashers of bacon and a free-range egg in a floured roll.
There is also a ‘Meal’ option, which includes any of the rolls or burgers with a hash brown and a cup of coffee. KFC breakfast is available every day 6-to-10.30 am. If the test goes well, the menu is expected to expand to other outlets in Britain and elsewhere. (Isn’t it a tad weird to eat a bird and its offspring for breakfast?)

Is it dangerous to believe in miracles? Yes, when it comes to matters of health apparently. A new study finds that people who put their fate in the hands of a higher being are less likely to seek treatment or pursue healthy options, such as quitting smoking. The scientists admit that having faith and belief in miracles can help reduce the stress associated with chronic health problems and provide a sense of hope and optimism. But University of Michigan researchers who studied close to 3,000 medical cases have found that unless a patient is dying and beyond medical help, letting providence decide a course of treatment is not likely to end well. They recommend finding a balance between divine and personal control, and encourage religious leaders to promote the benefits of healthy choices. (Like a frickin’ vaccine, for instance.)
– “Washington Post”

British bookmaker William Hill says the firm has just registered its biggest wager ever placed on a US presidential election. A 46-year-old woman has laid down a £500,000 (approx $616,000) bet on Hillary Clinton to win the election this November. William Hill is currently giving 4:11 odds on a Clinton victory, meaning the unidentified bettor stands to make $224,000 if Hillary wins.

The punishment for adultery in Qatar is 100 lashes. (For some, this is an incentive.)


1967 [49] Mike Malinin, Washington DC, rock drummer (Goo Goo Dolls-“Give a Little Bit”, “Iris”)

1973 [43] Mario Lopez, San Diego CA, TV personality (“Extra!” since 2011)

1982 [34] Dan Stevens, Croydon UK, TV actor (‘Matthew Crawley’ on “Downton Abbey” 2010-12)/movie actor (“Night At the Museum: Secret Of the Tomb”) UP NEXT: Plays ‘The Beast’ in “Beauty & The Beast” 2017.

• “Angel Food Cake Day”, honoring the dessert every starving dieter touts as being ‘fat-free’ … just before inhaling it in its entirety.

• “Columbus Day” in America, commemorating Christopher Columbus’ October 12th, 1492 ‘discovery of the New World’ … which had already been discovered by Vikings, Siberians, Aboriginals, Aztecs, and many others centuries before.

• “International Newspaper Carrier Day”, saluting everyone who is now, or once was, a paper deliverer. Years ago, the job was primarily populated by kids; nowadays … well, hardly anybody.

• “International Stage Management Day”, the 2nd annual celebrating all the work that stage managers do in theaters and on film sets.

• “Thanksgiving Day” in Canada, observed annually since 1879. Originally the date was changed year-to-year. In 1957, parliament decided it would be observed annually as a national holiday on the 2nd Monday in October.

• “World Homeless Day”, to draw attention to homeless people’s needs locally and provide opportunities for communities to get involved in responding.

• “World Mental Health Day”, a day for global mental health education and awareness. It was first celebrated in 1992 at the initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health, which operates in more than 150 countries.

• “World Porridge Day”, a celebration of Scotland’s traditional national dish. It began in the wee Scottish Highlands village of Carrbridge (home of the annual “World Porridge Making Championship”) as a fundraiser to help feed needy children. So how do you like your gruel?

2006 [10] Google buys for $1.6 billion

2013 [03] Canadian writer Alice Munro wins the 2013 Nobel Prize in Literature

2001 [15] Former frontman Dennis DeYoung sues Styx for touring and singing his songs without him (he’d left in 1999 due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)

2007 [09] Sting tops a “Blender Magazine” list of worst lyricists ever, for such sins as name-dropping Russian novelist Vladimir Nabokov, quoting a Volvo bumper sticker (“If You Love Someone Set Them Free”), and co-opting the works of Chaucer and Shakespeare

2007 [09] Radiohead offers their 7th studio album, “In Rainbows”, via a unique pay-what-you-want download (most people opt for … nothing)

2014 [02] Taylor Swift is named ‘Billboard Woman Of the Year 2014’, making her the 1st to receive the award twice

1976 [40] Greece’s 98-year-old Dimitrion Yordanidis becomes ‘Oldest Person to Complete a Marathon’ (he’s even older when finally finishing 7 hours, 33 minutes later)

[Tues] “Chicago Fire” season debut (NBC)
[Tues] “Bridget Jones’s Baby: The Diaries” published
[Tues] International Day Of the Girl
[Tues] Food Truck Day
[Wed] Spanish Language Day
[Wed] World Arthritis Day

Chestnut Week / Drink Local Wine Week / Earth Science Week / Emergency Nurses Week / Fire Prevention Week / Getting the World to Beat a Path to Your Door Week / Metric Week / School Lunch Week / Veterinary Technicians Week / World Rainforest Week


Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Pretending to be virtuous.
• Criticizing other women.
• Acting jealous.
• Speaking in code, instead of just saying what’s on their minds.
• Becoming too emotional.
• Shopping till they drop.
• Talking incessantly.
• Using sex as a weapon.
• The orifice fetish – burping, farting, spitting, etc.
• Always adjusting the privates.
• Selective listening and/or tuning out.
• Leaving a trail and/or making a mess, ie: clippings, shavings, etc.
• Not noticing something new.
• Turning into babies when they get sick.
• Falling asleep immediately after you-know-what.
• W.E.T. – Wandering Eye Trouble.
– First published in “BS” 2002.

● You show up wearing an aluminum foil suit in case of ‘enemy attack’.
● You mention your previous job interfered with your drinking.
● Your résumé lists your last 3 jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of Inter-Galactic 7-11.
● Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to ‘pull your finger’.
● Employers don’t seem to be buying your Tourette’s Syndrome excuse.
● Small-minded potential employers find ‘alien abductions’ an unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.
● All your answers are whispered into the interviewer’s ear by your sock puppet, ‘Socky’.
– First published in “BS” 2013.

I’ve been reading this book called “The History of Glue” … I just can’t put it down.

Assuming you are an average woman, how long does it take to use up your height in lipstick?
a. 5 years. [CORRECT]
b. 10 years.
c. 20 years.

What do you wish you knew about puberty before it happened?

Question: According to a study, people perform better on tests if they have one of THESE.
Answer: A cold.

Junk always expands to fill the space allotted.

Graham Smith @ Every Hit Radio, London UK; Joel Abramson @ KOHL [Ohlone Community College] Fremont CA; Dave Lyons @ Non Stop 90s, Dublin, Ireland; Syndicated personality Phil Hulett, Los Angeles CA; Natasha Chewe Mulenga @ Rock FM Lusaka, Zambia; and Tanner Wallace-Scribner @ WABC Mankota SK.

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