Thursday, October 18, 2012           Edition: #4849

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Yesterday Simon Cowell confirmed what we already knew – reality star Khloe Kardashian will co-host “The X Factor” alongside “Extra” news magazine anchor Mario Lopez (two entries from Hollywood’s yuckiest list – outstanding, Simon!) . . . Despite a massive hard-sell publicity push, former ‘Governator’ Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoir “Total Recall” has debuted to soft sales (without the maid-on-the-side caper, this would likely have been a bestseller) . . . Actor-director Tyler Perry is showing off his 30-lb (14-kg) weight-loss on the cover of the new issue of fitness magazine “Men’s Health” (he slimmed down for the action thriller “Alex Cross”, opening Friday) . . . A US federal court has dismissed a civil rights lawsuit filed by 2 African-American men who claim they were rejected for the starring role on “The Bachelor” (ABC) due to their race, the judge ruling producers have the right to control creative content (neither that show nor “The Bachelorette” has featured a person of color in the leading role ) . . . Celebrity spawn Willow Smith is the latest to join the tie-dye doggy trend, photographed this week walking a cute little pooch with – pink ears and paws (even when dyed with ‘safe’ products, isn’t this animal abuse?) . . . New Zealand capital Wellington will host the world premiere of Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” on November 12th, highlighted by a parade and 1,600-ft (500-m) red carpet (pity the slob who has to vacuum) . . . And 40-year-old actress Cameron Diaz, who earns a reported $20 million per movie, insists in the new issue of “Esquire” that she tries to remain down-to-earth and still happily scrubs her own toilets (to which we say – what are ya, stupid?).

• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Christina Aguilera (“Lotus”).
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – The Killers (“Battle Born”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Paul Weller (“Sonik Kicks”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Desaparecidos (“MariKKKopa/Backsell”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Pete Townshend (The Who). Rerun.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Cher Lloyd (“Sticks & Stones”). Rerun.

• Bon Jovi – Tonight in Philadelphia PA and tomorrow night in NYC, Richie Sambora plays a pair of intimate shows in support of his recently released solo album “Aftermath Of the Lowdown”.
• Bruce Springsteen – Today he appears at campaign events for Barack Obama in Parma, Ohio and Ames, Iowa. The Obama campaign hopes his appearances will help get out the vote in the critical swing states.
• Green Day – Their next album, “¡Dos!”, is due on November 13th.
• Gym Class Heros – Tonight in Chicago they kick off a brief Fall tour that runs through October 30th in Philadelphia.
• Jane’s Addiction – Guitarist Dave Navarro appears on “Sons of Anarchy” (FX) in the final 2 episodes of the current season and the band performs a cover of the Stones’ “Sympathy For the Devil” on the season finalé.
• John Mayer – He celebrated his birthday on Tuesday in NYC with both lunch and a low-key dinner with his apparent latest girlfriend Katy Perry.
• Jonas Bros – They’re putting the finishing touches on their next studio album, although no solid release date has yet been set.
• Rolling Stones – Mick Jagger tells UK’s “Evening Standard” the group is rehearsing about 60 songs ahead of their live shows in November and December and they’ve been in touch with former bass player Bill Wyman about joining them at some point.
• Taylor Swift – This week she debuted a snippet of the new song “State of Grace” on “Good Morning America” (ABC) and the track zoomed to #1 on iTunes within 24 hours.
• The Vines – The Aussie rock group’s frontman Craig Nicholls appeared in court yesterday charged with assault after allegedly holding a knife to his mother’s throat and intimidating his parents, with whom he lives.

A BS sampling of movies in the making …
• “Get It While You Can” – Amy Adams is attached to star as late rocker Janis Joplin in this upcoming bio-pic. Joplin was the hard-living singer behind such rock classics as “Piece Of My Heart” and “Me & Bobby McGee”. She crested on the wave of the 1960s counterculture as one of the faces of hippiedom, performed at Woodstock, then died of a heroin overdose in 1970.
• “Loomis Fargo” – Jim Carrey is reportedly in negotiations to star in this upcoming crime drama based on one of the biggest heists in American history. The film follows the true story of a gang of Southerners who stole $17 million from an armed Loomis Fargo truck in 1997. Cameras are scheduled to roll in North Carolina in February-March 2013.
• “21 and Over” – The story follows a straight-A college student and medical school hopeful whose 21st birthday turns into chaos and debauchery. The cast includes Miles Teller (“Project X”), Justin Chon (“Twilight Saga”), and Skylar Astin (“Pitch Perfect”). The comedy is scheduled to open March 1, 2013.
• “Two Night Stand” – In this romantic comedy about online dating, Analeigh Tipton and Miles Teller play strangers who wake up to find themselves snowed in after a regrettable one-night-stand. “Gossip Girl” actress Jessica Szohr co-stars as Tipton’s roommate; rapper Kid Cudi plays the roommate’s boyfriend. The film is shooting in NYC.
• “Walk of Shame” – Elizabeth Banks plays an aspiring TV news anchor who wakes up in a stranger’s bed with no money, no car, and no memory after a night of partying following a losing audition. Then when her agent calls to tell her she actually got the gig, she’s forced to embark on a ‘walk of shame’ across hostile neighborhoods in order to be on-air by 5 pm.

We like watching risky stuff but we prefer risks with a purpose, according to a new University of Maine psychology study. Researchers note that men who do risky things don’t generally impress anyone, until they take those risks for altruistic reasons. It seems daredevils trying to attract women rarely do. The study concludes that doing something insane may make you temporarily interesting, but doing something insane on behalf of someone else makes you far, far more interesting. (“Hey, watch me down 12 consecutive shooters … for the United Way.”)
– “Pacific Standard Magazine”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 73% of daily commuters do it alone.
• 72% of men have a cookbook, but only 35% actually use it.
• 71% of men feel their dog understands them at some telepathic level.
• 40% of woman have thrown something at a man while arguing.
• 29% of women say they want to be lied to when asking whether they look fat in something.
• 10% of people over age 60 do not have a grey hair.

New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Doorer’ – A driver who opens a car door into the path of an oncoming cyclist. The rider is said to have been ‘doored’. (“I was in high gear cycling down Main Street when a doorer in a Bimmer knocked me off my bike. Of course, if I hadn’t been texting at the time …”)
• ‘Electile Dysfunction’ – The inability to become excited about any of the choices during an election year. (Unfortunately the 2 party system in the United States leaves little option to vote for ‘none of the above’.)
• ‘Tech-Life Balance’ – Balancing technology with face-time to maintain personal relationships. This can involve a family committing to ‘Non-Screen Time’ (NST). (“Our house rules to create tech-life balance include no screens before school, all mobiles on recharge at night, and no calls at meal-times.”)

Disturbing a dormant volcano might seem ill-advised, but that’s exactly what a company is doing this month in a bid to exploit an untapped source of clean energy. Engineers working for Seattle-based AltaRock Energy and the firm’s partners have been given the greenlight to start injecting water into a series of connected cracks 1.8 miles (3 km) down at Oregon’s Newberry volcano. Their goal is to heat the water before returning it to the surface as steam to drive turbines and generate electricity. (Gee, what could possibly go wrong?)

• Men with high testosterone levels lie less.
•  Friendly baboons do better in life than baboons who are loners.
– Mother Nature Network


1926 [86] Chuck Berry, St Louis MO, rock & roll pioneer (“Johnny B Goode”, “Roll Over Beethoven”)/Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award (1984)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)

1960 [52] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg), Brussels, Belgium, action movie actor (“The Expendables 2”, “Timecop”)

1979 [33] Ne-Yo (Shaffer Smith), Camden AR, pop-R&B singer-songwriter (“Miss Independent”, “Closer”)

1984 [28] Freida Pinto, Mumbai, India, movie actress (“Immortals”, “Slumdog Millionaire”)

1987 [25] Zac Efron, San Luis Obispo CA, movie actor (“The Paperboy”, “High School Musical”)

1990 [22] Bristol Palin, Wasilla AK, reality TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars All-Stars” 2012 [eliminated Tuesday], “Dancing With the Stars” 2010)/daughter of US political figure Sarah Palin

• “Chocolate Cupcake Day”. They don’t count, right? They’re just little.

• “International Credit Union Day”, celebrating the more than 186 million credit union members worldwide.

• “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by some guy’s extremely chapped partner.

• “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada (shouldn’t that be ‘people’?). Previously, under English common law, women were persons in matters of pains and penalties, but were not persons in matters of rights and privileges.

• “World Menopause Day”, a collaboration between the International Menopause Society (!?!?) and the World Health Organization for improving awareness on the subject.

1922 [90] The British Broadcasting Company (BBC), the first national broadcasting corporation, is created

1986 [26] Former NFL star Frank Gifford (ex-“Monday Night Football”, NY Giants) weds former “Hee-Haw Honey” Kathie Lee Epstein (now “Today Show” 4th-hour co-host)

1992 [20] As the Toronto Blue Jays meet the Atlanta Braves in the World Series, the US Marine color guard (accidentally?) displays the Canadian flag upside-down (Toronto wins the game 5-4 and the series in 6 games)

1977 [35] In Game 6 of the World Series vs LA Dodgers, NY Yankees slugger Reggie Jackson (‘Mr October’) hits 3 home runs off 3 consecutive pitches from 3 different pitchers (Yankees win the game and the series, the team’s first since 1962)

[Fri] “Alex Cross”; “Paranormal Activity 4”, “The Sessions” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Fri] Love Your Body Day
[Fri] Mammography Day
[Sat] Information Overload Day
[Sun] Reptile Awareness Day
This Week is … Character Counts Week
This Month is … Long Term Care Planning Month


• Typhoid Dads
• Boxcar Moms
• Euro-Americans
• Manifest Destiny Cannibals
• Polio-crats
• Kite Fanciers
• The Syphilitic
• Birthers (those who survived birth)
• Swing Hobos
• Youth Who Didn’t Have Legs Sawed Off in the Civil War
– Thanks to Miles Kahn

When I married ‘Mr Right’ I didn’t know his first name was ‘ALWAYS’.

You run down the list while your guest or phone caller decides which choice is more palatable …
• Would you rather be tall and fat or short and well built?
• Would you rather eat a stick of butter or snort a tablespoon of salt?
• Would you rather have your flight delayed by 8 hours or lose your luggage?
• Would you rather be really hairy or completely bald?
• Would you rather go without the Internet or a car for a month?
• Would you rather be super strong or super fast?
• Would you rather work really hard at an interesting job or slack off at a boring job?
• Would you rather be rich and ugly or poor and good looking?
• Would you rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school?
• Would you rather drink a cup of spoiled milk or pee your pants in public?

☎ Oscars vs Golden Globes: which scored the best host? The Academy’s Seth McFarlane hopes to lure men, while Tina Fey & Amy Poehler play to the Globes’ strength … women.

• Which normally lays a larger egg?
a. An old hen. [CORRECT. Practice makes perfect.]
b. A young hen.
c. A rooster.

• You just experienced a ‘sternutatory reflex’. What happened?
a. You coughed.
b. You sneezed. [CORRECT]
c. You burped.

• Which was the first man-made object to break the sound barrier?
a. Bullet.
b. Jet plane.
c. Whip. [CORRECT]
– “Totally Trivial”

Question: In Europe THIS takes 84 minutes; in North America just 31 minutes.
Answer: Nap time.

The only kind of lottery most people ever win is jury duty.

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