Wednesday, October 19, 2011        Edition: #4611
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

Today famous felon Lindsay Lohan is scheduled to head back to court, and if the judge finds she violated probation, she could face 18 months in jail (which, in her case, usually boils down to about 48 hours) . . . 48-year-old actress Demi Moore is said to have appeared ‘gaunt and pale looking’ at this week’s red carpet premiere of her new movie “Margin Call” (even if she’s forgiven philandering hubby Ashton Kutcher, the media’s never going to let it go) . . . TMZ is screening video of actor Shia LaBeouf (who’s in Vancouver shooting the new movie “The Company You Keep”) being punched on the sidewalk outside a local bar by a shirtless man (word has it they’d both been tossed out for being drunk & disorderly) . . . 19-year-old Selena Gomez has is said to be in ‘extreme fear’ and has obtained a restraining order against a 46-year-old man who traveled from Chicago to LA to meet her after telling his therapist ‘God told me to kill her’ (that’s even scarier than being attacked by a gang of ‘Bieberbots’!) . . . The season 2 premiere of “The Walking Dead” (AMC) did incredibly well in the ratings, so well TV observers are saying it might spell the end for competing show “Pan Am” (ABC) . . . 46-year-old actress Viola Davis (“The Help”, “Eat Pray Love”) has adopted a baby boy, whom she’s mercilessly named ‘Genesis’ (he’ll be making an Exodus from that name as soon as he’s of legal age) . . . Actor Charlie Sheen & his ex, Brooke Mueller, have reportedly split up again after they attempted to reconcile and she moved into his new LA mansion (that’s strike 2!) . . . Californian Michael Alan Rubin is suing the producers of “The Hangover II”, claiming the story was ripped from a script he wrote about his real-life hellish honeymoon in Thailand and India, which he entitled “Mickey & Kirin” (they’ll quibble over how much then buy him off) . . . 80-year-old Larry Hagman, who played ‘JR’ in the primetime soap “Dallas” (1978-91), tells “TV Guide” he’s battling cancer but vows he’ll fight it tooth & nail while continuing to shoot the new “Dallas” prequel series for TNT (well, he already came back from the dead once).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – All Time Low (“Dirty Work”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Foster the People (“Torches”); Taylor Swift (“Speak Now”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Ziggy Marley (“Wild & Free”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Pitbull (“Planet Pit”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Horrors (“Skying”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Wilco (“The Whole Love”). Rerun.
• “The Rosie Show” (OWN) – Little Big Town (“The Reason Why”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Sting (“Best Of 25 Years”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Blondie (“Panic of Girls”). Rerun.
• “World Series Game 1” (FOX) – Rangers vs Cardinals in the opening game from Busch Stadium in St Louis. 17-year-old “American Idol” winner Scotty McCreery (“Clear as Day”) sings the pre-game anthem.

• Adele – She tells Britain’s “The Sun” that a friend set up a MySpace page for her music back in 2004, leading to numerous emails from record companies wanting to sign her. She never responded until finishing college. 3 days later she was in the offices of XL Recordings, who signed her up.
• Bob Dylan – A slew of artists have agreed to cover his tunes on the upcoming compilation album, “Chimes of Freedom: Songs of Bob Dylan Honoring 50 Years of Amnesty International”, which will benefit the human rights group. Among those participating: Adele, Dave Matthews Band, Ke$ha, Patti Smith, and Sting.
• Bruce Springsteen – Hip-hop impresario Russell Simmons tells “OK!” magazine The Boss should join the ongoing ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protest in NYC, as his participation would be a big boost to the movement. Among the famous who’ve thrown their support behind the activists so far: Kanye West, Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, and Tim Robbins.
• Eminem – He tells “Rolling Stone” he’s suffered massive memory loss due to his 5-year battle with prescription drugs, including the sedative Ambien. He says people often tell him stories about events in his life and career that he has no memory of.
• Justin Bieber – He’s been confirmed as a performer for “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest” (ABC) on December 31st. Lady Gaga was previously signed for the 40th anniversary year-end celebration.
• Kanye West / Jay-Z – They’re bing sued by songwriter-musician Syl Johnson, who claims they sampled his 1967 song “Different Strokes” on their “Watch the Throne” album without his permission. He’s seeking actual and punitive damages to be determined at a jury trial.
• No Doubt – 42-year-old Gwen Stefani says she’s prepared to make sacrifices in her career so she can spend as much time as possible with her 2 boys, Kingston (5), Zuma (3), while they are still young. This may explain why No Doubt’s ‘comeback’ has been such a long time coming.
• Taylor Swift – She tells “E! Online” she’d ‘love to sing with Bruno Mars because he has an incredible voice’. A duet featuring these two would also likely sell a couple mill’ easily.

Britain’s BBC TV is being criticized by hard-of-hearing viewers for ‘ludicrous’ subtitles which are erroneously, and often humorously, mistranslating what’s being said onscreen. Live captions are generated by speech recognition software as someone talks into a microphone while listening to a program, or by a stenographer typing words manually. Among the blunders …
• Labour party leader identified as ‘Ed Miller Band’ instead of Ed Miliband.
• ‘A moment’s silence for the Queen Mother’ mistranslated as ‘a moment’s violence’.
• Ireland rugby team identified as ‘Island rugby team’.
• Archbishop of Canterbury referred to as ‘Arch bitch of Canterbury’.
• ‘Millions of puppies’ were sold for Remembrance Day last year … instead of poppies.
• Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been renamed ‘Mr Beryl Beryl’.
• The government ‘making helpful decisions’ became ‘making holes for surgeons’.
• A politician’s caption suggested he did not believe in ‘soliciting’, when he’d actually said ‘short-listing’. (These are almost as much fun as subtitled foreign movies!)
– Condensed from “The Telegraph”

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘AR’ (‘Augmented Reality’) – A new technology for camera-equipped smart phones and tablets whereby information is over-laid on a live image. For example, you point your phone at a restaurant and a review pops up onscreen; or real estate listings appear over an image of a street. (Similar technology to the virtual first-down line that appears on football telecasts.)
• ‘Dejab’ – To stop wearing traditional female Muslim dress. ‘Dejabbers’ have become tired of the separation that the head covering can cause. They are choosing their own identity, no longer wishing to be spokespersons for, or defenders of, all Muslim women.
• ‘Ikea Effect’ – Increased feelings of pride and appreciation for an object because it has been self-made or self-assembled. In a series of studies, researchers from Harvard, Duke, and Tulane universities have found that increasing the labor required for a product actually leads to greater appreciation for it. (Always loved that bookshelf … until it fell down.)

We don’t like to think of ourselves as gold-diggers, but a recent analysis by a Princeton University sociologist suggests that we still see ‘assets’ as a good indicator of whether someone is marriageable, whether we’re female or male. Men who own a car or have financial assets are significantly more likely to marry according to the study, despite their employment, education, religion, family background, or location. The study also shows women with significant assets are more likely to marry. (I said assets …)
– “Boston Globe”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 66% of women detest being called a ‘housewife’. (Is ‘homemaker’ any better?)
• 46% of us have already started Christmas shopping. (For this year or last?)
• 45% of us admit we regularly lie to our managers and co-workers. (“Good morning!”)
• 25% of women say they copy their friends’ style to try and look like them. (Sheep.)
• 22% of men say they call their moms when they get sad. (Wimps.)
• 4% of office workers have watched an entire movie while on-the-job. (Slackers.)

Protesting and worried about being busted? There’s an app for that! Developed specifically with ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors in mind and available from the Android Market, the “I’m Getting Arrested” app is touted by the enterprising folks at Quadrant 2 as ‘Free to the other 99%’. It’s essentially a mass text message service for Android devices. Protestors fearing the worst can create a custom message before a demonstration, then if things go badly, a single tap of the app’s bulls-eye sends the pre-written text to those the app user has designated as loved ones and/or legal representation. (Too bad your phone got bashed by a billy club!)

Harold Camping is back at it, the resolute 89-year-old radio preacher who made dire predictions that May 21, 2011 would be the end of the world, then backpedaled when it didn’t happen. It’s not the first time he’s had to re-stamp the ‘Best Before’ date on the human race. He also panicked believers in 1988 and 1994. But now he says he’s ’s recalculated numerical codes he extracted from ‘The One True Printing of The Bible’ and spit out a new day of judgment: October 21, 2011. Yep, this Friday … pack your bags! (Interesting that his Family Radio ministry has filed documents to extend their nonprofit tax-exempt status until … November 15th.)
A listing of a slew of other Doomsayers throughout history who’ve proved faulty …

Every week, a traveling shower truck gives thousands of homeless people in California’s San Fernando Valley an opportunity to clean themselves and receive fresh clothing. Once a week, the mobile shower truck from the San Fernando Valley Rescue Mission offers showers to people in Sherman Oaks who are living on the streets or in their cars. The number of people who have no access to a bathroom on a daily basis is said to have increased dramatically over the past 2 years. (As recently mentioned in “BS”, Sly Stone, former frontman for super-successful ‘60s funk band Sly & the Family Stone, is among them.)

New research indicates that lefties and righties don’t differ in personality, ability, creativity, or any other measurable characteristic.
– “Wall Street Journal”


1931 [80] John Le Carré (David Cornwell), Poole UK, best-selling novelist whose books get made into movies (“The Constant Gardener”, “The Tailor of Panama”)

1945 [66] John Lithgow, Rochester NY, TV actor (“Dexter” 2009, “3rd Rock From the Sun” 1996-2001)/movie actor (“Leap Year”, “Dreamgirls”)

1964 [47] Ty Pennington, Atlanta GA, TV home improvement guru (“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” since 2003, “Trading Spaces” 2000-04)

1969 [42] Trey Parker, Conifer CO, TV producer/writer (“South Park”)/movie producer/director (“Team America: World Police”)

1970 [41] Chris Kattan, Sherman Oaks CA, TV actor (‘Bob’ on “The Middle” since 2009)/TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 1996-2003)

1972 [39] Pras (Prakazrel Michel), Brooklyn NY, rapper/musician (Fugees-“Killing Me Softly”, “Ready or Not”)

1977 [34] Jason Reitman, Montréal QC, filmmaker (“Up In the Air”, “Juno”)/4 Academy Award nominations

• “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. Hey, it shouldn’t take long.

• “Greasy Spoon Day”, a time to remember your favorite place to eat back in the ‘good old days’. Is it still in business?

• “Make a Scarecrow Day”, sponsored by the Scarecrow Art Appreciation Society.

1957 [54] Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard of the Montréal Canadiens becomes the first NHL player to score 500 career goals by slapping a 20-foot shot past Chicago Blackhawks goalie Glenn Hall

1985 [26] 1st ‘Blockbuster’ video-rental store opens, in Dallas TX (the last ones are about to close)

1980 [31] Steve McPeak rides ‘World’s Largest Unicycle’ (101-ft, 9-inches tall)

2003 [08] Magician David Blaine emerges from 44 days of isolation in a clear plastic box suspended over the Thames in London, England (purportedly survives only on water)

[Thurs] Information Overload Day
[Thurs] Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day
[Thurs] International Credit Union Day
[Fri] Mammography Day
[Fri] “American Masters: Pearl Jam Twenty” (PBS)
[Fri] “Margin Call”; “Paranormal Activity 3”; “The Three Musketeers” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Massage Therapy Week
This Month Is … Chiropractic Month


Less than 2 weeks to go before the big night! When you’re considering what kind of goodies to hand out, try to avoid picking these …
• Spinach-flavored rice cakes.
• Teeth-removing taffy.
• Ex-Lax brownies.
• Caramel-covered zucchini.
• Colored Crisco on a stick.
• Hot steaming bowls of pumpkin guts.
• Chocolate-covered prunes.
• A handful of Red Man.
– Adapted from Shortjokeslist

The only culture she gets comes from yogurt.

Each word of the 2-word answers to the following begins with the letter ‘G’ …
• The Queen’s representative in Canada. (Governor-General)
• He’s a legendary Canadian classical pianist. (Glenn Gould)
• It’s the University of Guelph football team. (Guelph Gryphons)
• Belinda Carlisle’s 1980s band. (The Go-Gos)
• It’s as close as ‘Charlie Brown’ ever got to swearing. (“Good grief!”)
• She’s the Swedish-born 1930s Hollywood star who ‘vanted to be alone’. (Greta Garbo)
• They’re the awards handed out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. (Golden Globes)

What did you once throw away that you wish you had saved?

Question: Women have 5 times more of THESE than men.
Answer: Posted pictures on Facebook.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

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