Monday, September 27, 2004        Edition: #2874
More From the Sheet House!

FROM THE WEEKEND TABLOIDS:
• Oliver Stone’s new movie epic “Alexander”, in which Colin Farrell plays the legendary Macedonian ruler, has had its release date put back 3 weeks to NOVEMBER 24th to boost its chances of Oscar success. Historically, films released at the end of the month perform better at the Academy Awards.
– UK’s “Sun”
• 38-year-old Emmy-winning “Sex & the City” star Cynthia Nixon is reportedly having a lesbian relationship with an unnamed female. They’ve been dating for the past 10 months, since Nixon split with long-term boyfriend Danny Mozes. (Wow, ‘Miranda’ has switched sides!)
– “NY Daily News”
• Paul McCartney has written California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking him to ban foie gras production in his state. McCartney is a member of the VIVA! animal-rights group that’s pushing for a bill that outlaws force-feeding geese to produce the delicacy. (“All we are saying is give geese a chance …”)
– “The Scoop”
• Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen have won their fight to stop an LA design company from selling T-shirts featuring the slogan ‘Save Mary-Kate’ with a photo of the formerly anorexic star. The Randy & Moss clothing company has backed down, a spokesman saying it will no longer be selling the shirts because it can’t fight a billion-dollar company. (Even if they are just skinny little twins.)
– “Page Six”
• 40-year-old actress Sandra Bullock is reportedly making plans for a wedding (her first!) THIS FALL with her 35-year-old motorcycle mechanic-boyfriend Jesse James. Word has it the star of Discovery Channel’s “Monster Garage” popped the question during their recent Hawaiian vacation.
– “Star Magazine”
• NBC-TV will air a “Seinfeld” reunion special on NOVEMBER 25th. ”The Seinfeld Story” will be hosted by Jerry Seinfeld and feature clips and interviews of former co-stars Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Michael Richards. The series wrapped up May 14, 1998. (But has aired 27 times a day in syndication ever since.)
– “National Enquirer”

TACKIEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “The Moon Is Hatching … and Whatever’s Coming Out Has Big Teeth, NASA Says!”
• “Evil Egyptian Spirits Cause US Wildfires!”
• “Chinese Demand: Make Laundry an Olympic Sport!”
• “Massive Loch Ness Monster Fart Swamps Tourist Boat!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Rod Stewart – He keeps in touch with his English roots while at home in Beverly Hills by having daily tea at 4pm. He also hosts a once-a-month party for ex-patriot Brits.
• Johnny Cash – A musical based on his life and works called “Ring of Fire” is scheduled to embark on a nationwide tour NEXT FALL followed by a Broadway premiere in 2006.
• George Michael – He reportedly blew more than a half-million bucks on a weekend party to celebrate boyfriend Kenny Goss’ 46th birthday.
• Backstreet Boys – They’re currently performing 5 sold-out stadium shows in China.
• Hilary Duff – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Green Day – They’re the first recording act to offer collectible CD-R discs  featuring artwork from albums. A 5-pack of custom-printed blank discs sells for $7.99 on their Website.
NET: http://greendaymusic.com

THE JOY OF GERIATRIC SEX:
Tips on how to keep the fires of love alive into your 80s, 90s – and beyond!
• Allow yourself plenty of time to get in the mood and ready for action. If you think you’re up for a ‘quickie’ at your age, you’re dreaming!
• Don’t be picky. The old saying ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ holds true with geezer love. Take what you can get and be grateful for it – regardless of the shape your sweetie is in!
• Limit your love sessions to dark rooms to avoid confronting the harsh reality that your lover is as wrinkled and saggy as you are.
• Denture wearers, be creative! The fact that you can remove your teeth from your mouth should suggest all kinds of erotic possibilities that are lost to others.
– “Weekly World News”

CELL PHONES MAKE YOU SMARTER?
If you thought cellphone radiation can only be harmful for you – check this out. David Butler,  head of Britain’s Parent Teacher Associations claims that radiation from cellphone handsets does not pose any health hazard to kids and, in fact, can help children to think more clearly.
(Yeah, listen in on any kid talking on a cellphone – you can just hear the brilliance.)
– “Daily Mail”

THEY DID IT:
43-year-old self-employed inventor Andrew Wilson of Branson, Missouri man has legally changed his name to – ‘They’, as in “That’s what THEY say”. It’s just ‘They’, no surname. He has also changed his driver’s license to reflect his new name. Why? He says ‘They’ are always to blame for so many things, somebody has to take responsibility.
– “Daily News”

BEST PARTS DEPARTMENT:
Catherine Zeta-Jones is considered the embodiment of beauty in the 21st century according to plastic surgeons. The American Academy of Facial Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery has chosen the Oscar-winner as the epitome of modern day aestheticism, ahead of Charlize Theron and Lucy Liu, due to her short delicate jaw, small chin and nose, all of which are desirable for an attractive female face. On the male side, Australian actor Hugh Jackman wins top marks, ahead of the likes of Colin Farrell and Justin Timberlake.
– World Entertainment News Network   

IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• A 25-year-old driver from Baie-Comeau QC has been killed near Québec City – while having sex behind the wheel with a female passenger. He was apparently killed on impact when hit by an approaching vehicle head-on … so to speak. (At least he died happy!)
• Ireland is considering a tax on  – chewing gum. It would fund the cost of cleaning up wads of it off streets and sidewalks, which accounts for about 30% of the country’s total litter.
• Claudia Milena Galan has won the “Miss Congeniality Pageant” – at the Buen Pastor Women’s Prison in Colombia. The 24-year-old natural blonde, who’s doing time for aggravated theft, beat out 6 other finalists, including a female contract assassin. (With looks to kill!)
• A Japanese inventor claims he’d developed cellphone ringtones that – increase the breast-size of women who listen to them. One user claims they increased her bust size by 2 cm (.78 in) in just a single week.
• You’ve heard of bomb-sniffing dogs. But cancer-sniffing dogs? It turns out that canine olfactory senses are acute enough to detect cancerous cells. Researchers in London UK have found that canines can be trained to detect bladder cancer by smelling a person’s urine. (And they’re downright happy to do it!)

FOR THE RECORD:
SATURDAY 23-year-old Roslin Forrest of Eagle Island BC set off from the West Vancouver Yacht Club on her quest to become the youngest woman ever to sail solo around-the-world non-stop. She hopes to complete the 51,000-km circumnavigation in 10 months.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Motorcycle sales have steadily increased in each of the last 11 years. This year, with higher gas prices, sales are at an all-time-record high, for all brands and all styles.
– Motorcycle Industry Council
• The number of female golfers has increased 34% over 5 years, while the number of male golfers has grown by less than 3%.
– National Golf Foundation

AND WE QUOTE:
• “I want to come back as a Yorkshire Terrier, owned by me.”
– Stevie Nicks, explaining the obsessions has-been stars develop to put in their time.
• I don’t want to become one of those child stars who fade into obscurity the moment they turn 20.”
– Hilary Duff explaining to “Blender” magazine why she’ll be around for another couple years.

THE BULL SHEET 09.27.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [61] Randy Bachman, Winnipeg MB, classic rock musician (Guess Who-“American Woman”, BTO-“Takin’ Care of Business”)/Tal Bachman’s pop

1951 [53] Meat Loaf (Marvin Lee Aday), Dallas TX, classic rock singer (“Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”, “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”)/sometime movie actor (“Fight Club”, “Rocky Horror Picture Show”)

1964 [40] Stephan Jenkins, Oakland CA, rock singer (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Going To Be”)/singer Vanessa Carlton’s boyfriend

1978 [26] Brad Arnold, Escatawpa MS, pop singer (3 Doors Down-“Here Without You”, “When I’m Gone”)

1984 [20] Avril Lavigne, Napanee ON, pop singer (“My Happy Ending”, “Complicated”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[RC] “St Vincent de Paul Feast Day” (patron saint of used clothing?)

TODAY is “World Tourism Day” as declared by the UN’s World Tourism Organization. The theme for this year’s observance is ‘Sport & Tourism: two living forces for mutual understanding, culture and the development of societies’. (And, in Athens case, a quick way to go broke.)

TODAY is “Ancestor Appreciation Day”, a day to learn about and appreciate one’s forebears. (A good day to visit Uncle Bob and see how the old will’s coming along.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1954 [50] “The Tonight Show” debuts on NBC-TV, hosted by Steve Allen

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1950 [54] 1st ‘Telephone Answering Machine’ (no one has reached a live voice since)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1881 [123] Major League Baseball record ‘smallest crowd’ (an intimate gathering of 12 people show up to watch the Chicago Cubs)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Tues] Family Health & Fitness Day
[Wed] National Goose Day
[Wed] Pumpkin Day
[Thurs] Mud Pack Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Newspaper Week
Banned Books Week
Roller Skating Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE MALE BODY PART SAYS ABOUT YOU …

Relationship expert Lou Paget, who has worked with thousands of women in seminars, says that certain types of personalities tend to prefer different areas of the ‘manscape’.
• Chest/Stomach … You’re self-assured and successful in personal endeavors, but when it comes to the bedroom, you like your man to take control.
• Legs … You’re comfortable with your own body and perhaps a little self-centered. You’re also very confident in your sexual skills.
• Back/Butt … You are direct and not the least bit shy. You take a more masculine approach to sex in that you focus on the visual appeal of the body and on receiving pleasure.
• Arms … You like a man to take care of you. You also value physical fitness for yourself.
(Is that all then? Yep, sorry, that’s all the options.)
– “Redbook”

PHONE STARTERS:
• What footwear is an immediate turn-off on a guy?
31% Cowboy boots
23% Soccer slides
19% Anything that smells
11% Desert boots
10% Duck boots
6% Flip flops
• How many shirt buttons should a guy wear undone to appear hot?
46% Two
29% One
21% Three
4% Zero
– “Razor” magazine polls.
• Whose life would you like to live for one day? (George Clooney tops a poll of men, selected by 19%.)
– “Men’s Health”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Back in 1898, all of THESE were male. Nowadays, just 3% are.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cheerleaders.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

NEW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
Christopher Whitey @ WCPR Gulfport MS; David Alan Christensen @ KXLP North Mankato MN; George Elliott @ CHBW Rocky Mountain House AB; and Jennifer Walker @ KSLT Belle Fourche SD. Welcome to the pasture, all! Remember, we offer ONE FREE MONTH of service for each and every new “Bull Sheet” subscriber you recommend.


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