Monday, September 30, 2002        Edition: #2388
King Sheet!

BS TITILLATING YET TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• According to “Sun”, actor Russell Crowe has hired an aboriginal spiritual dancer named Burnum Burnum to protect his farm in Australia. Seems Burnum works for Crowe by putting artefacts in a circle in the garden where the actor goes for INNER PEACE and CONTROL. (Hmm, doesn’t seem to be working.)
• TONIGHT the 2-hour FOX-TV special ”Celebrity Boot Camp” will follow ‘celebrity recruits’ as they struggle through physical and mental tasks at the US Marine Corps’ Camp Pendleton. “E! Online” reports the ‘big-name’ participants include former rapper Coolio, former pop idol Tiffany, former OJ house guest Kato Kaelin, former ”Married With Children” star David Faustino, and former Milli Vanilli member Fabrice Morvan. The 2 finalists will compete in a series of 8 challenges called the ‘Gauntlet’ in order to find a winner. (Who’ll from now on be known as ‘Former Celebrity Boot Camp Champion’.)
• In an interview with “News of the World”, 37-year-old Calista Flockhart says 60-year-old boyfriend Harrison Ford comes from a dying breed of ‘real men’ and denies he’s too old for her, saying: “Too old for what?” A spokesman for the couple says they have NOT yet become engaged even though rumors are rampant that he bought her a ring. (Turns out it’s not a ring – on her it’s a belt.)
• “NY Post” reports that “Friends” star David Schwimmer apparently has a new gal-pal – model Carla Alapont whose claim to fame is the naked pics of her featured on at least a half-dozen Internet porn sites. The two have been spotted together on numerous occasions and she even accompanied him to the Emmy Awards LAST WEEK. (Guess nobody recognized her with her clothes on.)
• Ever humble P Diddy is reportedly planning his own birthday party. “PeopleNews” says he’ll lay out over a million bucks to celebrate his 33rd on NOVEMBER 9. Word has it he’ll fly more than a hundred of his closest pals in to Punta Canta in the Dominican Republic for a mega-bash in Oscar de la Renta’s vacation villa. (When you gotta buy your friends you really are pitiful.)
• “Star” reports that rats have infested Beverly Hills! No not movie actors, we’re talking the real-life rodents that have been found drinking from the swimming pools of the rich and quasi-famous like Rachel Hunter and Lara Flynn Boyle. Exterminators say more stars have been affected but are too ashamed to report them.
• Kelly Osbourne has found love with a rocker whom “Sun” says is the spitting image of her dad in his younger years. Kelly says she’s happier than she’s been in years with hell-raiser Bert McCracken, lead singer of thrash metal band The Used whose stage trick is to throw up before singing. Kelly tells the tab: “In the past I was attracted to morons, but I’ve found myself a very nice person now.”
• Michael Douglas has gone blonde. “Sunday Mail” reports the 58-year-old movie star has peroxided his mane possibly to look like his wife, who’s also sporting similar blond streaks. But the catty tabloid claims he ended up looking more like his 86-year-old father, Kirk Douglas.
• And here’s the wildest headlines of the week, thanks to the creative folk at “Weekly World News” – “US Marines Tattoo American Flag on Afghan Prisoner’s Butt!”, “Father Strangles Son While Teaching Him to Put On a Tie!”, “Flesh-Eating Worms Turn Your Feet Into Swiss Cheese!”, “African Tribe Worships Barbra Streisand’s Nose!”, “Al Queda Breeding Killer Mosquitoes!”, “Drive-Thru Funeral Home for Mourners on the Move!”, and “Boogers Turn Me On!”

WHIPPING YOU INTO SHAPE:
The Crunch gym in South Beach FL is now offering an aerobic class called ‘Whipped’ that’s led by a dominatrix. Decked out in thigh-high boots and carrying a riding crop, certified fitness instructor Michelle Fernandez entices her students to keep up the pace with teasing snaps of her whip on their backsides.

IT’S IN THE CARDS:
Did you know each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history?
• Spades – King David
• Clubs – Alexander the Great
• Hearts – Charlemagne
• Diamonds – Julius Caesar

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST:
University of British Columbia research confirms that men who are ‘jerks’ get more action with women than men who are considered ‘nice guys’. Sexually active men are often found to be manipulative, arrogant, boastful, calculating, sly and quarrelsome. (And you know what else? Single.)

WHO WANTS TO WORK FOR MINIMUM WAGE:
Germany has about 4 million unemployed people and now a German TV network is being criticized over an upcoming game show in which jobless people will compete for work. Contestants will be given a series of practical tasks on the hour-long program. The viewers will then decide by phone vote who wins the job at the end of the show.

MR DRESS-UP:
There’s a new school in Turin, Italy to teach men how to become – drag queens. Drag artist and TV host La Karl du Pigne will be holding his, er….her first classes in mid-OCTOBER. Lessons will include how to hide a beard, how to strut on a catwalk with high heels, and how to speak in a higher tone of voice. The 3-day intensive course is open to men aged 18-65 and costs about $84. (There’s another TV reality show in here somewhere.)

NOT SADDAM, S’DUMMIES:
Germany’s  ZDF television network says it has made a scientific study of 450 photographs of Saddam Hussein and concludes there are at least 3 doubles posing as the Iraqi president. The network used facial recognition technology on photos and film clips from its archives to determine that men purporting to be Saddam were actually look-alikes. The network claims that only the doubles have appeared in film sequences since 1998.

FINDING A FOLLOWING:
According to a recent study, 8% of women and 2% of men will be stalked at sometime in their lives. A psychiatric researcher claims that, on average, stalkers are more intelligent than other lawbreakers.

BLOWERS BLOW:
Scientific research at Britain’s University of Westminster shows that drying your hands with paper towels removes 42% more germs than just washing alone. But using those hot air blowers often found in public washrooms actually INCREASES the number of germs on your hands by 500%. (Generations of 8-year-olds have known that the safest method is to wipe ‘em on your pants – you KNOW where they’ve been!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The fastest-growing outdoor activity is – bird watching.

THE BULL SHEET 09.30.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [44] Marty Stuart, Philadelphia MS, country singer (“The Whiskey Ain’t Workin”)/Grand Ole Opry member

1964 [38] Robby Takac, Buffalo NY, rock musician (Goo Goo Dolls-“Here Is Gone”, “Iris”)

1971 [31] Jenna Elfman (Jennifer Butala), LA CA, TV sitcom actress (Dharma Finkelstein-“Dharma & Gregg” 1997-2002
1972 [30] Jamal Anderson, El Camino CA, NFL RB (Atlanta Falcons)

1980 [22] Martina Hingis, Kosice SLOV, pro tennis player (won 1st Grand Slam title at age 16)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Mud Pack Day”, proving there is a day to honor just about any damn thing you can think of.

TODAY is “St Jerome’s Day”, patron saint of librarians (to celebrate, SHHHHHHH!). See if you can name the patron saint of the following countries –
• England (St George)
• Scotland (St Andrew)
• Ireland (St Patrick)
• France (St Denis)
• Italy (St Anthony)
• Russia (St Nicholas)
• Canada (St Anne/St Joseph)

TOMORROW is “World Vegetarian Day”, celebrated since 1977. It’s designed to create awareness of the ethical, environmental, health and humanitarian benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle. About 1 million people a year become vegetarians in North America, but still 660,000 animals are killed for meat every hour (I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, it’s because I hate plants!). A 1994 Oxford University study reported that vegetarians have a 40% lower risk of cancer and 30% lower risk of heart disease than meat-eaters and are 20% less likely to die of any cause. (Yeah right. Eat a carrot, live forever.)
PHONER: 518-568-7970 (North American Vegetarian Society-Dolgeville NY)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841 [161] 1st ‘stapler’ (Sam Slocum)

1846 [156] 1st dentist to use ‘anaesthetic’ (Dr William Morton-Boston)

1950 [52] 1st ‘Grand Ole Opry’ to be televised

BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Oct 1] Rolling Stones release 40-track, 2-CD greatest hits compilation “Forty Licks” / Homemade Cookie Day / World Vegetarian Day
[Oct 2] Name Your Car Day / World Farm Animal Day / Custodial Workers Day
[Oct 4] National Denim Day / Toot Your Flute Day
[Oct 5] National Techies Day / National Story Telling Day / World Smile Day / World Teachers Day
[Oct 6] German-American Day / Come & Take It Day / International Frugal Fun Day / Physician Assistant Day / Lawyers Day
[Oct 7] UN Universal Children’s Day / Child Health Day / World Habitat Day / Winona Ryder trial scheduled to begin
[Oct 9] UN International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
[Oct 10] National Dessert Day
[Oct 11] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day / Emergency Nurses Day
[Oct 12] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day / Farmers Day / World Egg Day
[Oct 14] Thanksgiving Day (Canada) / Columbus Day (USA) / Be Bald & Be Free Day
[Oct 15] National Grouch Day / National Poetry Day / 2002 VH1-Vogue Fashion Awards
[Oct 16] Dictionary Day / Boss’ Day / World Food Day / School Librarian Day
[Oct 17] Gaudy Day
[Oct 18] Persons Day (Canada) / No Beard Day
[Oct 19] Evaluate Your Life Day / Sweetest Day
[Oct 20] Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day
[Oct 21] Babbling Day / National Reptile Day / Hurricane Thanksgiving Day (Virgin Islands)
[Oct 23] Canned Food Day / TV Talk Show Host Day
[Oct 24] United Nations Day / National Bologna Day
[Oct 25] Punk For A Day Day / Frankenstein Friday
[Oct 27] Mother-In-Law’s Day / Daylight Saving Time ends / Make a Difference Day / Cranky Co-Workers Day
[Oct 28] National Chocolate Day / Plush Animal Lovers Day
[Oct 29] Hermit Day / International Internet Day
[Oct 30] Devils Night / Mischief Night
[Oct 31] Halloween / National Magic Day / Increase Your Psychic Powers Day / UNICEF Day
[Nov 6] 36th annual Country Music Association Awards

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Bank Teller Appreciation Week
Customer Service Week
Pickled Pepper Week
Get Organized Week
Newspaper Week
Mental Illness Awareness Week
Spinning & Weaving Week
Ulcer Awareness Week
Walk a Child to School Week
World Space Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Why is it that boring people are never hoarse?
• Shouldn’t all male Great Danes be forced to wear underwear?
• How come boxing ‘rings’ are square?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Why is it when your hands are coated with grease, your nose begins to itch?
• Would you sound polite or crazy if you answered “You’re welcome” to the waste bin that says “Thank You” at McDonald’s?

BS TRIVIA:
Q: 75 years ago TODAY (1927), Babe Ruth hit his then-record-setting 60th HR off the Washington Senator’s Tom Zachary. Where does the Babe now rank in the list of season HR hitters?
A: He’s down to 5th behind Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Maris.
Source: “Sporting News”

BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which celeb has the sexiest lips?” (In a new poll, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been voted the celebrities with the sexiest lips. Others mentioned include Penelope Cruz, Julia
Roberts, and Johnny Depp.)

POLLING PRANKS:
Conduct your own ‘Gallup Poll’ by opening the phone book, calling everybody named Gallup (or Gallop) and asking them a topical question. Do ‘Nielsen Ratings’ by calling Nielsens or Neilsons and asking their favorite TV show.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Only 3% of the population say that they enjoy these.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Mondays.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Half the people you know are below average.

WELCOME NEWBIES:
This week these samplers are checking out “The Bull Sheet” – Fathia Anindita @ UFM Jakarta, Indonesia, Darcy Williams @ WSMJ Glasgow KY, Scott Trunda @ KLYV Dubuque IA, Rick Taylor @ WQLH Green Bay WI, Dave Peters @ GEM-FM Inverell, Australia, and Steve Hyland @ Mercury FM Crawley UK. You can subscribe to “BS” simply by clicking on the link at the top of today’s sheet.


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