Wednesday, September 18, 2002        Edition: #2380
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Gloria Estefan & actor Jimmy Smits host the 3rd annual “Latin Grammy Awards” live on CBS-TV from Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, featuring performances by Shakira, Nelly Furtado & Marc Anthony among others . . . A Russian composer is hoping to stage an erotic musical based on Bill Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but the action would be switched to the Kremlin and the main characters would be Vladmir Putin and mythical secretary Masha Lewinsonova . . . Tom Hanks has announced he’s giving up directing movies and will leave that job to pros like Steven Spielberg (no big deal – the only theatrically-released movie he’s directed is 1996′s “That Thing You Do!“) . . . Word is pop star Kylie Minogue has quit showbiz for 6 months in order to give her singing sister Dannii a chance at the limelight . . . Pink says she’s giving up alcohol due to stomach ulcers and her only remaining vice is smoking – a pack a day since she was 9-years-old! . . . Stealing a page from JXL, UK club DJ Tiesto has recorded a remix of the Elvis Presley track “Burning Love” but needs approval from the Presley family to get it officially released (if it’ll make money, you can bet they’ll let ‘er rip!) . . . THIS WEEK the South African version of “Sesame Street” unveiled a new HIV-positive Muppet called ‘Kami’ as an educational tool (1 in 9 South Africans are HIV positive, more than in any other country) . . . Buzz in Hollywood is Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez are planning to marry soon, some saying she’s already 2-months pregnant! . . . Warning! “The Ketchup Song”, sung in ‘Spanglish’ by 3 sisters from Spain calling themselves Las Ketchup, could turn into the most obnoxious dance hit of the year – it’s already been #1 in Spain, Italy, Holland, Belgium, Switzerland & Sweden (oh no, it’s “La Macarena 2″!).

TODAY’S SURE-FIRE WATER COOLER TOPICS:
• The 2-episode premiere of “The Osbournes” LAST NIGHT on CTV.
• The Canadian premiere of the 4th season of “The Sopranos” LAST NIGHT on The Movie Network.
• Speculation that the GST will be increased to 10% to fund improvements to the Canadian health care system.

JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL OLD:
Beloit College in Wisconsin has just released its 5th annual ‘Mindset List’ to help professors better understand freshmen, many of whom were born in 1984. For instance, for these students –
• Afghanistan has always been a front-page story.
• Big Brother is merely a television show.
• Cyberspace has always existed.
• Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings and Dan Rather have always anchored the US evening news.
• Barbie has always had a job.
• A ‘hot line’ is a consumer service, not a telephone to avoid accidental nuclear war.
Source: “The Chronicle of Higher Education”

NEW TERMS FOR ‘02:
• ‘Hip-Pop’ – Hip-hop that’s become so commercialized it appeals more to suburban mall rats than urban youth. Puff Daddy may have started out as hip-hop, but P Diddy is pure hip-pop.
• ‘Mallzheimers’ – What you’re suffering from if you go to the mall and forget where you parked your car.
• ‘Bettys’ – Once a name for the girls who waited on the sand while their boyfriends rode the waves, the new bettys are now the ones hanging ten and the guys are beginning to watch, thanks to the movie “Blue Crush”.

RUG ROBOT:
A new live-in, housecleaning robot goes on sale THIS WEEK. ‘Roomba’ is the first robot designed to live in your home, serve a useful purpose and be priced for the mass market at just $199. Created by Massachusetts-based iRobot!, Roomba’s primary function is to vacuum the house. The robot ranges around the walls to determine the size of the room, then covers open areas in widening spirals and has the ability to avoid most obstacles. Once it has been over every part of the room several times, it beeps and shuts itself down.

JOOSE NOOSE:
Australia’s first alcoholic milkshake – ‘Moo Joose’ – has been banned by licensing authorities and slammed by health groups as encouraging underage drinking. Beverage maker Wicked Holdings is appealing the ban, saying the chocolate, strawberry and banana-flavored milk drinks are aimed at 18 to 35-year-olds and will only be sold on licensed premises. With an alcoholic content of 5.3%, ‘Moo Joose’ is stronger than most regular Aussie beers.

DESIGNER FLIES:
Scientists at LA’s Beckman Research Institute have genetically modified fruit flies to change sexual preferences when the temperature rises, then change back again when things cool off. Dr Toshihiro Kitamoto says when the temp registers above 30 C (86 F), the modified male fruit flies lose interest in females and begin courting other males. (Researchers say the same effect can be created by playing old Judy Garland show tunes.)

THE NAGGING TRUTH:
3 out of 4 women in a new ”Bella” magazine poll admit they regularly nag their men, but say they have to do it in order to get things done. Common topics include lack of help around the house, cleaning, poor eating habits and excessive drinking. The poll also finds that 1 in 3 men don’t mind being nagged because otherwise they’d think something major was wrong.

OLD BAG:
Using the same principle as the inflatable airbag used in vehicles, an inventor has come up with a new idea to help the elderly from breaking bones if they accidentally fall – an airbag that is placed inside underwear. The gizmo inflates on impact, reducing the danger of hip injuries. (Great idea, but what about every man’s worst fear – premature inflation?)

IT’S A WEIRD WORLD:
• 38-year-old Sean McHugh of Allentown PA accidently cut his hand off with a circular saw, put it in the freezer, wrapped his wrist with a rag and duct tape and drove himself to the hospital. Medical staff sent a cop car back to his house to retrieve the hand which was successfully re-attached in a lengthy operation. McHugh is already back at home after just 3 days at Lehigh Valley Hospital! (The bad news is, the cops mistakenly grabbed a roasting chicken out of the freezer.)
• Next time you get a parking ticket, don’t bitch about it! Cops in Bergen op Zoom, Holland are so tough on illegal parking, they even ticketed a hearse parked outside a church – while the coffin was being unloaded! (And they got the corpse for loitering in a public place.)
• The body of a California man headed for burial in his native Mexico mistakenly ended up in Greece and Robert Castaneda’s weeping survivors only discovered the mix-up when they opened the casket and discovered a stranger inside – a man with a cigar and a book displaying a picture of the World Trade Center. Delta Airlines is conducting an investigation to see if proper procedures were followed for transporting human remains. (“Delta – we lose more than just your luggage!”)

THE BULL SHEET 09.18.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [69] Scotty Bowman, Montréal QC, newly-retired NHL coach who has all-time record for wins (more than 800 career victories and 9 Stanley Cup championships with Detroit, Pittsburgh and Montréal)

1933 [69] Robert Blake (Michael James Vijencio Gubitosi), Nutley NJ, former TV actor (“Baretta” 1975-78) & movie actor (“In Cold Blood”) charged with May 2001 murder of his wife

1950 [52] Daryl Sittler, NHL exec/former player (Toronto Maple Leafs)/NHL record 10 points in single game
 
1961 [41] James Gandolfini, Westwood NJ, TV actor (Tony Soprano Sr-“The Sopranos”)/movie actor (“The Mexican”, “A Civil Action”)

1971 [31] Jada Pinkett Smith, Baltimore MD, movie actress (“Ali”, “The Nutty  Professor”)/Mrs Will Smith since 1997 (he’s 6’2″, she’s 5′)  NEXT FILMS: Co-stars in the 2 “Matrix” sequels

1971 [31] Lance Armstrong, Plano TX, cyclist with 4 consecutive Tour de France wins (1999-2002) after battling cancer  FACTOID: His heart is one-third larger than a normal man’s

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS WEEK is “National Farm Animals Awareness Week”. Every day, 6 million tons of manure hit the ground behind farm animals in North America. That’s enough manure to fill a creek 50 feet wide, 10 feet deep, and 70 miles long. Phew!                             

THIS WEEK is “National Singles Week”, recognizing the single lifestyle and promoting the option of living alone. (Is it an option, a burden or just fate?)
PHONER: 800-993-2277
NET: http://www.unmarriedamerica.com/NSWeek/history.htm

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1851 [151] 1st edition of “New York Times” costs 2 cents (“All the News That’s Fit to Print”)

1895 [107] 1st ‘chiropractor’ (David Daniel Palmer-Davenport IA)  FACTOID: Some 30 million ‘back adjustments’ are now performed in Canada annually

1985 [17] 1st ‘Top 10 List’ on “Late Night with David Letterman” is titled ‘Things That Almost Rhyme With Peas’

1999 [03] 1st husband and wife to change genders, each undergoing a sex change operation (Szekesfehervar, Hungary)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [12] 500-lb, 6-foot ‘Hershey Kiss’ is displayed in NYC’s Times Square

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Survivor: Thailand” premieres
[Thurs] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Sat] Miniature Golf Day
[Sun] Hobbit Day
[Mon] Autumn begins (12:55am EDT)
This Week is – Chiropractic Week
This Month is – Hispanic Heritage Month / Piano Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit the healthiest food for you is always the most expensive?
• Whyzit wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo?
• Whyzit people who say they slept like a baby usually don’t have one?
• Whyzit the amount of sleep needed by the average person is always 10 minutes more?
• If sleep regenerates us, whyzit we look so bad when we first get up in the morning?

WHO SAID IT?
“I don’t want people to know what I’m actually like. It’s not good for an actor.”
a) Russell Crowe
b) Jack Nicholson
c) Steven Seagal
ANSWER: Jack Nicholson

BS CONTEMPORARY POETRY:
The lyrics.com Website features the words to thousands of popular songs, even new releases. For a fun bit, find some odd lyrics (Nelly’s “Dilemma”, for instance) and read them as poetry over a background of lush string music. You can also try running them through a computer spell checker to ‘correct’ them. The cleaned-up version can be hilarious!
NET: http://www.lyrics.com

WEB GOODIES:
• Here’s the home page of “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” which inspired the new ABC-TV sitcom starring John Ritter. W Bruce Cameron first listed them in an essay he penned back in 1998.
NET: http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/8rules.htm
• ‘Animal astrologer’ Charlene Lictenstein claims that for the past 6 months your dog has been more likely to bark at odd hours and your cat encouraged to scratch furniture because – ohmygawd – Pluto has been retrograde in the sign of Sagittarius. That scary problem is apparently over for now, but likely to repeat in MARCH. You can check your ‘PetScope’ here –
NET: http://www.theStarryEye.com/petscope

BS ‘DEAD OR ALIVE?’
With or without them their cartoons continue on, but are the following cartoonists still kickin’ or pushin’ up daisies?
• Walter Lantz – “Woody Woodpecker” [DIED 3/22/1994]
• Mort Walker – “Beetle Bailey” [ALIVE and 79]
• Hank Ketcham – “Dennis the Menace” [DIED 6/1/2001]
• Charles Schulz – “Peanuts” [DIED 2/12/2000]
• Scott Adams – “Dilbert” [ALIVE at 45]
• Lynn Johnston — “For Better or For Worse” [ALIVE and 55]
• Chic Young – “Blondie” [LONG GONE, since 1973]
• Jim Davis – “Garfield” [ALIVE at 57]
• Stan Lee – ”Spider-Man” [ALIVE and 79]
• Joe Shuster – “Superman” [DIED 7/30/1992]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 12% of you don’t know this very personal piece of information about yourself.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Your astrology sign.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


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